preteen/teen yrs

[mama2one]

when first joined CF last year posted this:
mom to a preteen so may need extra guidance one of these days


that day has arrived
the roots is easy but how to navigate the wings?

 

[Hazelelponi]

Just keep in mind how you thought of your own parents during these years.

Yes, for a short time you will be seen as ignorant by your new immensely knowledgeable child who now knows all things. . (hahaha. funny but true).

You may as well run around with rollers in your hair because no matter what you are embarrassing if her friends are around.

Hugs will be few and far between and a private occurance.

But this is temporary I promise you. All you can do right now is to be there when she needs you, and parent her the best you can. As much as she pushes you away right now parenting is the need of the day.

While there has to be some measure of independence and freedom, you have to know what's going on in her life, and make sure her influences are positive - which has to be balanced with becoming a person she trusts she can go to when she really needs.

So you have to become something between parent and freind, ignoramus and confident, and be able to walk this line..

There's a balance, and I'm sure you'll find it. Every time you feel like crying just remember some funny thing you thought about your own mother, and how that all changed when you became an adult.

My daughter actually called me up and apologized for all she put me through.. yours will too one day.

 

[mama2one]

know it's temporary but it's just starting!

other day, she also said "don't embarass me" when we were going somewhere, lol

used to get out of car to pick her up from school until day she walked right by me so now I wait in car
I loved, loved, loved the young years, guess will just find these next few years harder

 

[Hazelelponi]

know it's temporary but it's just starting!

other day, she also said "don't embarass me" when we were going somewhere, lol

used to get out of car to pick her up from school until day she walked right by me so now I wait in car
I loved, loved, loved the young years, guess will just find these next few years harder

They will be more difficult years and navigating them isn't easy but we get through somehow.

But, you just found a new way to control her behavior if you ever need. "clean your room or the next time I pick up from school I'm wearing ____!"

hahaha. .. it works!

 

[Dave-W]

Hopefully you have had long mom-to-daughter discussions on the major teen topics (and listened to her more than you spoke), enough so that she is comfortable talking to you about anything. And keep it up as much as you can. Don't preach, but offer advice when she asks.

Keep her engaged.

 

[mina]

I'm not a mom to a pre-teen yet,but I agree with what the above poster said! Communicate , communicate, communicate!!! I go to MOPS and the focus this month was raising girls (but the info was adaptable to boys and girls) ; the major take away I got was that when kids think they can't or shouldn't talk to you about things; then they become so much more vulnerable to bad information or knowledge. Talk even when it is uncomfortable or hard to talk about. Let them feel like there is NO barrier or nothing that they can not come to you with.

 

[Halbhh]

when first joined CF last year posted this:
mom to a preteen so may need extra guidance one of these days


that day has arrived
husband is navigating much better than me, of course, as he's not an emotional being as me

other day, we dropped child off at activity and I was standing there looking around and child said
"you can go now" so stepped into elevator, when husband came in, he noticed I had tears in my eyes

I said "gone are the days when I'd pick her up from K at school and she'd run into my arms for a hug" and said "the next 5 yrs will be hard" he agreed
we still hug and play games but of course, she's wanting more and more independence and find that hard

the roots is easy but how to navigate the wings?

The wonderful answer in post #2 made me remember mine (12) just did the other day (apologize), and I think it was because when we pray the prayer Christ Jesus our Savior gave us that we should pray it daily, in Matthew 6 NIV, that praying it with faith (which we can have that confidence knowing the words are from Christ Himself!), then it's answered. No doubt some days will be less good, but the "we" in this prayer really does mean "we" -- us together as a family, and I believe. So, though no doubt plenty of difficult times will happen, I'm finding this prayer radically alters what happens in a day it's prayed. (and...do it the way He said!, in private, sincere prayer)

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Parents can embarrass pre-teens and teens simply by existing in public. They want to come off to their peers as if they are independent and don't need parents. We have to get used to staying out of the way, watching them without them knowing it.

Personal illustration: I remember once as a teenager, I was walking home from my first day at a new school. I had carefully memorized every turn and every street name that morning, as my parents drove me. Yes, it was a long walk, but I knew the way. I was almost home, on schedule and heading the right direction when my parents came by looking for me "just in case." I was furious. My mother never understood why. I can tell you why. It was insulting, especially when I found out they had not also gone looking for my siblings. They had trusted my brothers and my sister (and I'm the oldest!) to get home by themselves. They might as well have come right out and said, "We don't think you're as competent or as intelligent as your younger siblings."

My advice would be 1.) Give your child a chance to succeed before assuming she'll probably fail. If I had been overdue to get home, I can understand my parents being worried, but I was on time and heading the right direction. That's what galled me. 2.) Do watch over your child, but discreetly and from a distance, without letting her know you're watching. That way you'll know she's safe, and she'll feel independent. If my parents had simply driven on past rather than calling out to me and picking me up for those last seven blocks, they would have known I had this covered, and I would have never known they checked.

 

[*LILAC]

know it's temporary but it's just starting!

other day, she also said "don't embarass me" when we were going somewhere, lol

used to get out of car to pick her up from school until day she walked right by me so now I wait in car
I loved, loved, loved the young years, guess will just find these next few years harder

When my kids said this to me, I would always respond back with, "Hey, it's my JOB to embarrass you! Get used to it!" Of course I would never actually do anything drastic but I would if the situation came up! lol Kids grow up so fast. Enjoy it!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^I used to say that to my kids too.

Had a child in kindergarten, and another in second grade. It was school system policy that a parent be present at the school bus stop when a kindergartener is dropped off, even if it's right in front of the house.

On Halloween, I met their school bus dressed as Pebbles Flintstone.

 

[mama2one]

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[mama2one]

she is comfortable talking to you about anything.

we've always told her she can tell us anything

she does talk to husband and me about different things
my parents never talked about any preteen/teen topic with me so don't go by how I grew up

we also have a mother-daughter journal which she can write anything/ask questions and then I write back

 

[Dave-W]

we've always told her she can tell us anything

she does talk to husband and me about different things
my parents never talked about any preteen/teen topic with me so don't go by how I grew up

we also have a mother-daughter journal which she can write anything/ask questions and then I write back

Sounds like you are on the right track there.

 

[mama2one]

@Halbhh

that is a great idea
we could pray Our Father when we do our eve. group hug

husband/child do say nightly prayers
it's his routine to put her to bed which was started as a way for them have time together

 

[mama2one]

thank you everyone for your helpful insights!

 

[Hazelelponi]

.

?

 

[mama2one]

?

sometimes think about a post and decide have overshared or not relevant

 

[Hazelelponi]

sometimes think about a post and decide have overshared or not relevant

I do the same thing.. lol.

But if you ever just want to talk it's okay.. I'm not judgey..

 

[Toro]

Watch Bad Boys 2 (Or Type in "Bad Boys 2 Reggie" on youtube) and copy that.

If Swan and I ever have a daughter............ just sayin.

Honestly, raising a teen is not a task I envy

 

[Odetta]

Humor. It takes lots and lots of humor to live with teenagers.

I have two boys - 17.5 and 15 years old. I have to find ways to have fun with them. Like it annoys the crud out of my youngest when I tell him lame jokes, so I deliberate search for them on pinterest - puns are my favorite - and I read them out loud to him. Why just the other night, I had him rolling on the ground with my lounging-on-my-bed-reading-puns routine. Ok, so he was cringing, sort of half laughing, half crying, and crawling away, but that's only because the puns were so awesome.

Seriously, though, my two are very moody, and the youngest has a mood disorder for which he is being treated. I'm constantly evaluating if today's mood is disorder mood and something I need to bring up with a doctor, or normal teen boy mood and something I have take a deep breath with and move on. I could lose my mind if I don't find humor somewhere. So yeah, seeing him cringe when I tell him bad jokes and then seeing that he's secretly trying not to smile and laugh out loud because that would only encourage me makes my heart sing.

I also joke around with my oldest. That gets interesting because he's autistic (high functioning) and doesn't get jokes most of the time (rather typical of autism, at least his version of it). He also gets annoyed with me when he recognizes that I'm joking, and my heart sings there, too, because he's come so far that he can recognize a joke even if he doesn't understand the joke. When he was a three-nager I didn't know if he'd ever even talk.

So humor. Definitely need humor. Because this age bring on some rather serious stuff to deal with.

* Just so we're clear, the jokes are never making fun of them or trying to humiliate them or anything, or to ignore a serious issue.