- Nov 25, 2018
- 153
- 129
- 33
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Episcopalian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hi all, peace and blessings
I am going through it today. Against my better judgment, I texted an ex to see how she was doing. Hadn't talked to her in several months. Probably ill advised. She had sent me mixed messages as to whether she wanted to talk to me again, so I was unsure of where she stood.
A little bit of background: We were dating during the throws of both of our addictions. She was a heroin addict, and I was an alcoholic. She was entirely codependent and played a helpless role, expecting me to take care of her. The impact it had on me was devastating. She put me through a lot; dragged me through the coals. I struggled to take care of someone who had no desire or ability to take care of themselves. And I certainly wasn't innocent. The anger, frustration, and pain I experienced caused me to lash out at her. I said a lot of hurtful things that I later came to regret. She didn't deserve it, even if she was taking advantage of my compassion and selfishly draining me with zero regard to me or my feelings. As you can tell, I'm still a bit resentful.
In the interest of owning my end, I have a behavior pattern of lashing out and becoming verbally abusive when I am excessively angry, frustrated, hurt, powerless, or feel a great injustice has been done. During our interaction, she accused me of being a bully. To an extent, she is right. I have in the past lost a sense of myself and let anger take over. I've tried to make amends with her, to no avail. She isn't having it. Forgiveness isn't her strong suit. I've tried to get her to take responsibility for her end and how she hurt me, but she wasn't having that either. To her, it's all me and what I did wrong. She is incapable of examining herself and taking responsibility. She puts it all on me.
That makes me VERY angry, and makes me want to lash out, and hurt her as bad as she hurt me. There's a certain spirit of vengeance that I have. If you make me suffer, I'll make you suffer. I don't want to simply pay people back. I want to exact justice 100 fold. I want to leave them crushed and broken. And every time I've ever tried to do this, the satisfaction is fleeting. I am always overwhelmed by guilt, sadness, remorse, and self-loathing. It is SO destructive.
I refrained from lashing out, ended the conversation, and went my separate way. I have to accept that I won't get any sort of closure.
Aside from the obvious, never speaking to her again, what can I do? What are some spiritual steps I can take to resolve this behavior pattern, which has caused me to hurt so many? To my credit, it has gotten better. I've been working on my anger A LOT with a ton of success, so opportunities to lash out have become scarce as I've calmed way down. My emotional reactions aren't as strong, and I cope with them better. But when the day comes that the urge to lash out is awoken within me, I want to be ready. I want to be able to put a stop to it before it starts.
I am going through it today. Against my better judgment, I texted an ex to see how she was doing. Hadn't talked to her in several months. Probably ill advised. She had sent me mixed messages as to whether she wanted to talk to me again, so I was unsure of where she stood.
A little bit of background: We were dating during the throws of both of our addictions. She was a heroin addict, and I was an alcoholic. She was entirely codependent and played a helpless role, expecting me to take care of her. The impact it had on me was devastating. She put me through a lot; dragged me through the coals. I struggled to take care of someone who had no desire or ability to take care of themselves. And I certainly wasn't innocent. The anger, frustration, and pain I experienced caused me to lash out at her. I said a lot of hurtful things that I later came to regret. She didn't deserve it, even if she was taking advantage of my compassion and selfishly draining me with zero regard to me or my feelings. As you can tell, I'm still a bit resentful.
In the interest of owning my end, I have a behavior pattern of lashing out and becoming verbally abusive when I am excessively angry, frustrated, hurt, powerless, or feel a great injustice has been done. During our interaction, she accused me of being a bully. To an extent, she is right. I have in the past lost a sense of myself and let anger take over. I've tried to make amends with her, to no avail. She isn't having it. Forgiveness isn't her strong suit. I've tried to get her to take responsibility for her end and how she hurt me, but she wasn't having that either. To her, it's all me and what I did wrong. She is incapable of examining herself and taking responsibility. She puts it all on me.
That makes me VERY angry, and makes me want to lash out, and hurt her as bad as she hurt me. There's a certain spirit of vengeance that I have. If you make me suffer, I'll make you suffer. I don't want to simply pay people back. I want to exact justice 100 fold. I want to leave them crushed and broken. And every time I've ever tried to do this, the satisfaction is fleeting. I am always overwhelmed by guilt, sadness, remorse, and self-loathing. It is SO destructive.
I refrained from lashing out, ended the conversation, and went my separate way. I have to accept that I won't get any sort of closure.
Aside from the obvious, never speaking to her again, what can I do? What are some spiritual steps I can take to resolve this behavior pattern, which has caused me to hurt so many? To my credit, it has gotten better. I've been working on my anger A LOT with a ton of success, so opportunities to lash out have become scarce as I've calmed way down. My emotional reactions aren't as strong, and I cope with them better. But when the day comes that the urge to lash out is awoken within me, I want to be ready. I want to be able to put a stop to it before it starts.