I've been waiting 7 years to get married, what should I do?

[TheChgz]

We met when I was 16 and he was 24 (I'm now 24 and he 32). We pretty much fell in love at first sight. I didn't want to date him at first because of the age gap, but after a few months, it became too irresistible to refuse his advances. We were head over heels for each other. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but I gave into peer pressure when our classmates poked fun at us because we "hadn't done it yet".

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Even though we felt it was too soon, we saw it as a blessing. The night we found out, we were laying in bed and he whispered: "I suppose we should get married then". My reply was yes, even though I was hesitant. I expected us to tie the not before I gave birth and I felt it a little too soon. But I would rather do the right thing than wait.

Every time I tried to bring the subject up though, he would tell me to stop talking about it. The more I talked about it the more "stressed" he felt and "the less likely it was for him to do it". So I bit my tongue. As hard as it was for me, I stopped talking about it, assuming it would only be for a year. It was very hard for me, the longer it went on the more and more excitement built up.

Years later I hardly even think about it anymore. When I do I feel nothing but sadness. I want more than anything to just get married but he still acts the same when I bring it up. He says he will just surprise me one day and we will just do it. But I feel like I should just give up hope. I almost want to just find somebody else to marry! All I want is to be made an honest girl. It's tough.

 

[Tolworth John]

Years later I hardly even think about it anymore. When I do I feel nothing but sadness.

One question. Do you attend church as a family?

If not why not?
Not your excuse but what is his reason for not attending church with his family every week.

 

[TheChgz]

One question. Do you attend church as a family?

If not why not?
Not your excuse but what is his reason for not attending church with his family every week.

We have never attended a church together. He has explained it as such, he feels like he wants to find a good church with a pastor/priest he trusts. I have looked around locally for the best church I can find, but none of the options has satisfied him. He is the kind of person that talks about what he wants and how he wants it, and if anybody tries to get him to do anything else he shuts himself away. He has to do everything on his own terms or not at all.

 

[Tolworth John]

We have never attended a church together. He has explained it as such, he feels like he wants to find a good church with a pastor/priest he trusts. I have looked around locally for the best church I can find, but none of the options has satisfied him. He is the kind of person that talks about what he wants and how he wants it, and if anybody tries to get him to do anything else he shuts himself away. He has to do everything on his own terms or not at all.

So how does he react to the fact that he has to respond to Jesus's demands to obey him and that includes attendance at church and being married to his wife.
These are not what he decides, just as how one gets saved is not how we want but how Jesus tells us.

Is he prepared to be obedient to Jesus or is he refusing to obey Jesus.

 

[Dave-W]

I see a ton of red flags on this one.

He is getting sex. He is getting companionship. Without any commitment on his part. And he is not interested in changing that setup.

My advice is to tell him: Find a church and start attending and marry me NOW. If he does not, then leave him and find someone else.

 

[TheChgz]

So how does he react to the fact that he has to respond to Jesus's demands to obey him and that includes attendance at church and being married to his wife.
These are not what he decides, just as how one gets saved is not how we want but how Jesus tells us.

Is he prepared to be obedient to Jesus or is he refusing to obey Jesus.

I cannot speak for him but I will try. When I tell him things like this he likes to point out how I'm wrong and he is always right. He has many reasons and excuses. He says how he thinks it's better to not go to church than to go to a bad one. And he talks about how "we are married in the eyes of God". He acts like he is more Christian and more knowledgeable than me because I was an Atheist when we first met, and he convinced me to become a Christian. So I became one, and now I want to do right for Jesus.
Don't let me make him sound bad though. He is a good guy and is probably more devout than he looks on the outside. I think he is just a little misguided.

 

[Dave-W]

No. He is NOT a good Christian. He sounds like a narcissist. They always turn any complaint around to the accuser; making them the bad guy and justifying themselves and their actions.

A good Christian would see their own sins and shortcomings when pointed out and repent.

 

[PloverWing]

How old is your child now? I don't know much about family law in the UK, but in the US, marriage gives some legal stability to the parenting relationship. If your child were in the hospital, would your partner have legal rights to visit the child? Does your partner have the ability to sign legal documents on behalf of the child? If you were to die, would your partner automatically be recognized as the child's legal parent, thus avoiding fights over guardianship?

Maybe the answer to all this is "yes" under UK law, if your partner is listed as the father's name on the birth certificate. But legal marriage can help some things go more smoothly, at least in the US.

 

[Tolworth John]

he likes to point out how I'm wrong and he is always right.

he talks about how "we are married in the eyes of God"[/QUOTE]

May I suggest you ask him to explain how he obeys the command, Husbands love your wifes as Jesus loved the church, giving up everything for her'?

Is he prepared to give up anything for you, and marry you and attend church with you.

 

[Sound Doctrine]

I cannot speak for him but I will try. When I tell him things like this he likes to point out how I'm wrong and he is always right. He has many reasons and excuses. He says how he thinks it's better to not go to church than to go to a bad one. And he talks about how "we are married in the eyes of God". He acts like he is more Christian and more knowledgeable than me because I was an Atheist when we first met, and he convinced me to become a Christian. So I became one, and now I want to do right for Jesus.
Don't let me make him sound bad though. He is a good guy and is probably more devout than he looks on the outside. I think he is just a little misguided.

Never mind church. If he says that he doesn't trust them, he probably has good reason. Churches today are rampantly corrupt, and it is nearly impossible to find a good, Bible following church. You two can concentrate on your relationship with Jesus far better by studying the Bible together far better than sleeping through some pastor's palaver. Ask him if he believes in the Bible as the inerrant word of God. Ask him what he knows about Jesus as his personal Savior. If he can't come clean on these two things, he can't be trusted. If that is the case, you may want to consider giving him the air. Is he responsible in taking care of the child or is he abusive or negligent? Is he genuinely concerned for yours and the child's spirituality? The child needs a good father and you need a good husband. Don't let a past mistake dictate your future. Seven years of waiting is ridiculous IMO.

 

[ncc70]

We met when I was 16 and he was 24 (I'm now 24 and he 32). We pretty much fell in love at first sight. I didn't want to date him at first because of the age gap, but after a few months, it became too irresistible to refuse his advances. We were head over heels for each other. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but I gave into peer pressure when our classmates poked fun at us because we "hadn't done it yet".

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Even though we felt it was too soon, we saw it as a blessing. The night we found out, we were laying in bed and he whispered: "I suppose we should get married then". My reply was yes, even though I was hesitant. I expected us to tie the not before I gave birth and I felt it a little too soon. But I would rather do the right thing than wait.

Every time I tried to bring the subject up though, he would tell me to stop talking about it. The more I talked about it the more "stressed" he felt and "the less likely it was for him to do it". So I bit my tongue. As hard as it was for me, I stopped talking about it, assuming it would only be for a year. It was very hard for me, the longer it went on the more and more excitement built up.

Years later I hardly even think about it anymore. When I do I feel nothing but sadness. I want more than anything to just get married but he still acts the same when I bring it up. He says he will just surprise me one day and we will just do it. But I feel like I should just give up hope. I almost want to just find somebody else to marry! All I want is to be made an honest girl. It's tough.

is this what you want or what God wants? it's not about our wants....our will must be broken...maybe God is trying to tell you something..

 

[Andrew77]

We met when I was 16 and he was 24 (I'm now 24 and he 32). We pretty much fell in love at first sight. I didn't want to date him at first because of the age gap, but after a few months, it became too irresistible to refuse his advances. We were head over heels for each other. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but I gave into peer pressure when our classmates poked fun at us because we "hadn't done it yet".

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Even though we felt it was too soon, we saw it as a blessing. The night we found out, we were laying in bed and he whispered: "I suppose we should get married then". My reply was yes, even though I was hesitant. I expected us to tie the not before I gave birth and I felt it a little too soon. But I would rather do the right thing than wait.

Every time I tried to bring the subject up though, he would tell me to stop talking about it. The more I talked about it the more "stressed" he felt and "the less likely it was for him to do it". So I bit my tongue. As hard as it was for me, I stopped talking about it, assuming it would only be for a year. It was very hard for me, the longer it went on the more and more excitement built up.

Years later I hardly even think about it anymore. When I do I feel nothing but sadness. I want more than anything to just get married but he still acts the same when I bring it up. He says he will just surprise me one day and we will just do it. But I feel like I should just give up hope. I almost want to just find somebody else to marry! All I want is to be made an honest girl. It's tough.

So there is no good answer to your situation. All the good solutions, are now long gone.

You basically have 3 options.

1. Keep going as you are, and keep getting what you have gotten.

2. Force the issue. Bug him every day, and every night, and explain "I want to be married, and if you don't marry me, then I'm going to bring it up every day and every night, until you do. If you want me to stop, then marry me.".

.and tell his family this. Tell his mother, tell his father, tell his brothers and sisters, tell absolutely everyone. Tell his friends, his co-workers, his buddies, his aunts and uncles, tell the people at church.

Force the issue.

3. Ditch this guy, and find someone else.

These are your only 3 options.

There is no magic pill. No grand fix. No three easy steps book.

I don't want to discourage you, but I am also not going to paint you a fake picture of roses, rainbows, and unicorns.

The reality check is, most people will end up with option 3. They will go and find someone else who wants to marry. You can try option 1, but eventually it will eat away at you until you move on. You can try option 2, but the fact is, this guy has everything he wants from you. He has no need or desire for marriage. This is why you don't have sex, or live with someone, until you marry them. Now that you have given him everything he needs, he is not likely to marry.

Does this mean don't try? No go ahead and try. Hope for the best, and pray for G-d's help.

If I were you, here is what I would do.

Say you need to talk. After you have eaten, I would simply say:

"Honey I love you, but I have always wanted to be married. I know this relationship is working for you, but I have not been happy, because we are not married. So you need to decide how this relationship is going to continue, because things are going to get uncomfortable around here, because I am either going to get married, or I am going start having a problem"

If he still refuses, then I would start telling everyone. (friends, family, church, so on)

If he still refuse, then I would move out and live with my parents.

If absolutely nothing changes his mind, then you need to accept that he was never going to marry you ever.... and you have to determine if you are going to live in that situation, or move on.

The temptation will be to go with option 1. Just put up with it, and keep living how you have been living. Most people try to go with that option, but I would encourage you if possible to not take that option. The vast majority of the time, that is a bad plan. In the short term it works, but eventually they end up ditching the other person and moving on.

Even if they stick it out, if this guy dies, you are not his wife. In most states the property and money, and life insurance will go to someone else. Marriage is a protection of the spouse. Without it, you are not protected. I know a lady who was living with a guy, and the guy died, and the family sold the property out from under her, because it wasn't hers. It was his. She was not only grieving from losing this 'special someone', but she was homeless and in debt, and had no car (the car was his too).

Don't be that girl.

Lastly... this is why it is so important to teach your teenagers that they need to act more like adults. You need to tell them that they can make a choice as a teenager that can wreck decades of their life. You need to instill that in your children. Warn them, not to do things that you did. Swallow your pride, and admit you made mistakes that screwed up your life, so that they can avoid the same mistakes.

I wish you the best, and I hope G-d will intervene on your behalf.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

HI I am so sorry you are in such a difficult spot. When an issue comes up and one wants to avoid the conversation that is putting you off and really saying you and your feelings and opinions are not important enough to work through and that he is selfish and dismissing what is very important to you. When there is a labor dispute the un happy workers do not want to leave and work somewhere else they want their list of demands to be met. So the strategy is to stop providing the work until the demands are met. They form a list of specific demands and rank them in importance and offer to return if the demands are met. After 7 years together and with a child it might be too complicated to just up and move out or demand he leave since more than likely he is paying the bills. Your protest has to have specific list of demands and list the reasons why these demands are important to you. At the same time affirm your love and devotion to him and express you want to be with him but let him know your fealings on this are real and cannot be dismissed. Your action plan can include not sleeping in the same bed. taking a job if you don't already have one. Start going to church a couple times a week by yourself and start seeing a christian counselor. If he can perceive you are serious and you are hurting and willing to take your own steps then it will be up to him to respond. You can be in joy through this trial and commit this time to the LORD and know that you are putting God 1st he will see you through. The making clear of the situation will make him responsible for fixing it and perhaps he will wake up and humble himself and commit to you through a public marriage and take charge of being the spiritual head of his house. So you stay on strike until you get your demands met. God bless you and start rejoicing in taking a stand as this is evidence that you are walking in the will of God. it will be contrasted by his self seeking stance.

 

[sunshine100]

We met when I was 16 and he was 24 (I'm now 24 and he 32). We pretty much fell in love at first sight. I didn't want to date him at first because of the age gap, but after a few months, it became too irresistible to refuse his advances. We were head over heels for each other. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but I gave into peer pressure when our classmates poked fun at us because we "hadn't done it yet".

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Even though we felt it was too soon, we saw it as a blessing. The night we found out, we were laying in bed and he whispered: "I suppose we should get married then". My reply was yes, even though I was hesitant. I expected us to tie the not before I gave birth and I felt it a little too soon. But I would rather do the right thing than wait.

Every time I tried to bring the subject up though, he would tell me to stop talking about it. The more I talked about it the more "stressed" he felt and "the less likely it was for him to do it". So I bit my tongue. As hard as it was for me, I stopped talking about it, assuming it would only be for a year. It was very hard for me, the longer it went on the more and more excitement built up.

Years later I hardly even think about it anymore. When I do I feel nothing but sadness. I want more than anything to just get married but he still acts the same when I bring it up. He says he will just surprise me one day and we will just do it. But I feel like I should just give up hope. I almost want to just find somebody else to marry! All I want is to be made an honest girl. It's tough.

I'm so sorry to hear this,I know how hard it is to wait for something that you really want in life,I know because I thought I was going to get married to the guy that I thought was the love of my life,and I thought him and I were going to be together forever,that was all I ever wanted,at the time,but you can't ever give up hope,and you can't ever give up,I know it will happen when he is ready to marry you.

 

[paul1149]

You're giving him what he wants out of the relationship, and he's not reciprocating. Nothing is going to change unless you make a change, because he has shown repeatedly that he makes up his own rules to play the game, and those rules are self-serving. You might read "love must be tough" by james Dobson. This may sound weird, but it's best not to let him know you're reading it, because the name of the game here has been manipulation and control.

 

[maintenance man]

Don't let me make him sound bad though. He is a good guy and is probably more devout than he looks on the outside. I think he is just a little misguided.

Tel him you want to move closer to God and you want to make that journey with him. Ask him to study the Bible with you. Let him pick the Bible teacher you will follow. Let him guide the study as long as it's a sincere study of the Bible. You keep him on track in your Bible study and in time he should see the light.

 

[Elliewaves]

Dump him, focus on raising your child, tell him when he wants to get serious about marriage he knows where to find you. You may meet someone else, you may not; focus on your child.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

I see a ton of red flags on this one.

He is getting sex. He is getting companionship. Without any commitment on his part. And he is not interested in changing that setup.

My advice is to tell him: Find a church and start attending and marry me NOW. If he does not, then leave him and find someone else.

Agree with Dave. It's time to draw some boundaries. I would tell him that *I* will be attending church as of the beginning of the year (or Christmas, or whatever time you choose). That you think it is important and this is what you are doing for your family; he is welcome to join you. Then do it.

I would also say that *I* have every intention of getting married within the next 3 years or so, and that I believe this is God's plan for my life, that I raise my child with my husband (preferably his father, unless he isn't interested), not some boyfriend, and that he is welcome to apply for the position or you will be moving on.

If you don't stand up for yourself, who will? You don't sit waiting and hoping to see what he will do.

You tell him this is what you are doing so he can get on the train or get off at the next stop. Diplomatically, of course.

I would not tell him an arbitrary deadline, but I would have one in my mind. Either he wants you to be his wife, or he doesn't. There's certainly nothing to wait around for here. It's long past time for action.

 

[Dave-W]

If you don't stand up for yourself, who will? You don't sit waiting and hoping to see what he will do.

You tell him this is what you are doing so he can get on the train or get off at the next stop. Diplomatically, of course.

I would not tell him an arbitrary deadline, but I would have one in my mind. Either he wants you to be his wife, or he doesn't. There's certainly nothing to wait around for here. It's long past time for action.

Amen. And. Amen.

I could not agree more.

 

[LoricaLady]

We met when I was 16 and he was 24 (I'm now 24 and he 32). We pretty much fell in love at first sight. I didn't want to date him at first because of the age gap, but after a few months, it became too irresistible to refuse his advances. We were head over heels for each other. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but I gave into peer pressure when our classmates poked fun at us because we "hadn't done it yet".

Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Even though we felt it was too soon, we saw it as a blessing. The night we found out, we were laying in bed and he whispered: "I suppose we should get married then". My reply was yes, even though I was hesitant. I expected us to tie the not before I gave birth and I felt it a little too soon. But I would rather do the right thing than wait.

Every time I tried to bring the subject up though, he would tell me to stop talking about it. The more I talked about it the more "stressed" he felt and "the less likely it was for him to do it". So I bit my tongue. As hard as it was for me, I stopped talking about it, assuming it would only be for a year. It was very hard for me, the longer it went on the more and more excitement built up.

Years later I hardly even think about it anymore. When I do I feel nothing but sadness. I want more than anything to just get married but he still acts the same when I bring it up. He says he will just surprise me one day and we will just do it. But I feel like I should just give up hope. I almost want to just find somebody else to marry! All I want is to be made an honest girl. It's tough.

I am wondering how he treats you in other ways, also the child. Does he brush off other very important issues on your heart and keep you dangling there too? Do you really want to be married to him? You are still young and could find someone else who is marriage minded and would hopefully treat you with more consideration. The guy has a child. He isn't doing the right thing by the child or by you. IF you truly want to marry this man, give him an ultimatum. Tell him to fish or cut bait, that you don't want to keep hanging on like that, that it is stressful for you. You, of course, have no idea if he ever will propose and in the meantime, again, it seems to be all about his feelings with no real consideration for yours.