Forgiveness

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

How do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?
I’ve heard that if you have a chance to get even with someone who has wronged you and you don’t take it, then you’re over it. But if you have that opportunity and you do take it, then you’re not over it.
BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

 

[ViaCrucis]

How do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?
I’ve heard that if you have a chance to get even with someone who has wronged you and you don’t take it, then you’re over it. But if you have that opportunity and you do take it, then you’re not over it.
BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

We can rest assured in the mercy of God which is for us in Christ. That means that your neighbor is indeed forgiven, not based on you, but on God's mercy in Jesus. Our feelings and emotions are fickle and completely unreliable, the Prophet Jeremiah wrote, "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick, who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). So the pain and anger we have is ours to deal with before God, and indeed, even seek out the forgiveness of those we begrudge. Pain doesn't disappear easily, and that isn't always a bad thing since we can learn from it--if someone has done something truly awful, even if you forgive them it does not necessarily mean that you should trust them again (depending on what they have done)--there is a certain element of being "wise as serpents and gentle as doves" here. If you suffered years of abuse, and though you have finally come to a place where you can forgive them, that doesn't mean you have to again subject yourself to that abuse.

If you hold a grudge and need repentance, then avail yourself to repentance.
If the pain and hurt continues to afflict you, seek counseling and loving people who can help you heal.

There's no one size fits all when it comes to this. But remember that the God who is merciful to you is merciful to others; and so when it comes to your own pain or anger or affliction that this is part of the reality of life. Seek reconciliation when possible, avail yourself to repentance, and know that there is no shame in seeking counseling and help. In all things trust in Christ.

-CryptoLutheran

 

[FutureAndAHope]

How do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?
I’ve heard that if you have a chance to get even with someone who has wronged you and you don’t take it, then you’re over it. But if you have that opportunity and you do take it, then you’re not over it.
BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

Forgiveness is a process, we choose to forgive, but then need to work through all the emotional baggage that is attached to the forgiveness. As an example from my own life, I have a brother who I felt did not take me seriously, he considered me insane, despite the fact he never really spent time with me to know who I really was. This made me angry, because in my heart I knew I was of sound mind. Now I knew the feelings I was having were not right toward him, so I said to God I forgive him. I tried to forgive. Then one day he said some things that just enraged me, it bought up all the past hurt, and I cussed him out. Not the best reaction. Then I had to go home and tell God, sorry I did that, I forgive him. As it stands today I still move towards forgiveness, but there is a lot of bad water under the bridge. Yet the right thing to do is continually forgive, even if our emotions overcome us some times. While you move towards forgiveness, you have forgiven. Jesus said if our brother sins against us many times a day and returns asking for forgiveness we are to forgive each time. Jesus knows there are times we need this multiple daily forgiveness.

 

[Unofficial Reverand Alex]

I keep forgiving my ex for what she did to me, in better and better ways. Just the thought "I forgive you, even though I don't want to, but because Jesus wants me to" was first, then a more sincere thought, then acting more normal around her, going to confession for the sins I committed towards her, actually wanting to help her, and soon, I'll be writing her a thank-you note for everything she did for me. (Yeah, it'll be awkward, but everything's awkward when the ex is involved, and this has been a 2-year process, so after much prayer I know this is something I need to do).

All this is to say that it can come in steps, so even if you feel like you've forgiven someone, that may have just been the first part, and God's calling you to do more. Every step has made me feel much better about her & life in general.

 

[GTW27]

How do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?
I’ve heard that if you have a chance to get even with someone who has wronged you and you don’t take it, then you’re over it. But if you have that opportunity and you do take it, then you’re not over it.
BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

Blessings in Christ Jesus! Take this in prayer to The Lord and say, Holy Father, I want You to know that I have forgiven ______ for what they have done and said to me. At this point they truly are forgiven. As you grow in Him, what people do and say against you will bother you less and less. This is for two reasons. The first reason is, you will becomes less, and He will become more. The second reason is, as you grow in Him, you will truly understand(from wisdom) that they truly can not help what they do. Did He not say, "Father forgive them, for they no not what they do."

 

[Sketcher]

How do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?
I’ve heard that if you have a chance to get even with someone who has wronged you and you don’t take it, then you’re over it. But if you have that opportunity and you do take it, then you’re not over it.
BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

Precisely why I don't believe in that standard.

 

[paul1149]

BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

I can easily envision a scenario where one doesn't get back when given the chance, yet still continues to harbor pain or bitterness inside. As @FutureAndAHope said, forgiveness is a process. The goal is peace and love, and if we keep that in front of us, whenever a snag comes along - a feeling of pain, anger, or bitterness, or even a thought of retribution - we can take it captive to the obedience of Christ (2Cor 10). This can be real spiritual warfare at times, when we've seriously been hurt, but we are promised the victory if we persevere. We have a choice: we can let our hurts fester in us, or we can let them drive us deeper into the healing grace of God. It's in submission to Him that we find our true wholeness, a wholeness that cannot be shaken by circumstances. God promises to work all things for the good for those who love Him (Rm 8.28), and the wonderful operation of this verse can become a powerful reality as we choose to let the world have its hurts and instead focus our attention on the Lord's goodness.

 

[LoricaLady]

When you truly forgive, you just don't think about the issue that hurt you. You put it behind you - which takes prayer and practice often. You even wish the wrong doer well, or at least don't wish him or her ill.

Of course trust does not at all necessarily go with forgiveness.

 

[Martyr's Crown]

Forgiveness can seem very difficult to do when you are still stuck in your pain and anger 'cause of hurt, many times so easy to say in words that you forgive but in your heart you haven't truly done this. Like LoricaLady says; You don't only not think of the hurt 'caused on you, but you leave it behind you. As well as you decide wanting to start all new again with the person(s) involved. It reminds me now of when one gets saved in Jesus Christ, then everything you have done and said in the past no longer will be kept against you by God, because of what His Son Jesus Christ had done for you when dying on the cross. You are given the opportunity of starting all new again in Him as well. It is very beautiful when knowing you are truly forgiven through Jesus Christ, same way as it is beautiful when you truly forgive someone from the heart. As this shows a "Christ-likeness" over you, and it pleases the Father greatly!

In my experience; When I truly forgive someone, everything bad done towards me doesn't 'cause me any more pain as well, nor is it as important to me. I choose to look at the persons through the eyes of Jesus Christ, looking at them through His love and mercy.

This doesn't mean that everything done to me was okay, it wasn't! But I leave all of that over to God! He is the one who will judge everyone's actions in the end. Though if the persons aren't saved it should be normal for us to hope they too get into repentance and get saved as well.

True forgiveness makes you feel more free too, you no longer have that burden of hurt and unforgiveness over you. You can still sometimes get hurt by other people, but it won't last that long. When you start looking more and more through Jesus Christ's eyes, the way you see things change as well. Though this type of change is something you get help from Jesus in managing, it is in Him that you truly become set free!

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed". (John 8:36)

 

[Greg J.]

How do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?
I’ve heard that if you have a chance to get even with someone who has wronged you and you don’t take it, then you’re over it. But if you have that opportunity and you do take it, then you’re not over it.
BUT.....what if you wouldn’t take an opportunity to get even, but you’re still affected by what they did or said?

The way I examine myself is:

(1) to imagine a scenario where I'm angry and trying to justify what I'm saying by trying to put the other person down. With that anger (and its associated irrationality), would I feel like verbally throwing that past offense against me back at them?

(2) The Lord forgets our sin when we have truly repented (except to continue to help us). If the person hurt me the same way, would I use the fact they've done it before against them? That is, have I forgotten the sin in my heart? (Remember that

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22, 1984 NIV)

(3) In the future when I remember the past hurt, I re-examine myself with the above questions. I have had to let go of the desire to hurt them back (forgive them in my heart) even after I thought I had forgiven them in my heart.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13, 1984 NIV)

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.’” (Mark 11:25, 1984 NIV)

One verse in what is called The Lord's Prayer is:

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12, 1984 NIV)

And this follows:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15, 1984 NIV)

I often add this request after praying Matthew 6:12 (quoted above): and please help me forgive everyone swiftly from my heart (genuinely).

Over the years it has become easier to genuinely forgive people. Sometimes an offense doesn't even offend me such that I feel like there is anything to forgive.

 

[Jenniferdiana]

you know that saying some people will forgive you for what you did but they wont forget. ha

 

[Poppyseed78]

In my opinion, a lot of people equate forgiveness with a continuation of the relationship or friendship. I think you can forgive someone but still not want to be involved with them anymore. Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger, and that's more for yourself than for the person who wronged you. However, if you want to continue your friendship or relationship, then it will take time for trust to be rebuilt, and the person who hurt you has to be patient. Forgiveness is not an automatic assumption that trust is restored.

 

[usexpat97]

I think "moving forward" is the good yardstick, like LoricaLady said. You just want what's best: best for you, best for them. It's a whole lot easier when the other person is repentant, apologizes, and wants to make it right. But when they don't, you just have to be cognizant of the fact that that didn't happen. And you may have a potential repeat offender on your hands. How do you best move forward--for you and for them--knowing that? That's a hard question.