To keep this short, I struggle heavily with social anxiety, misophonia, OCD, and a stuttering problem. I'm also extremely socially awkward. And I'm 24 years old, so it's not like a phase I'm going through or anything. Before anyone asks me if I am seeing a professional therapist, the answer is "no". I cannot afford counselling and don't really have reliable transportation to go to appointments. There is a lot of real-life crap going on in my life at the moment and so it just isn't very possible right now.
At work I have a very hard time. One of the parts of my job duties is to answer and redirect phone calls, and a lot of times after I stutter I get hung up on and sometimes giggled/laughed at. I have been asked if I have forgotten where I worked once and I was very embarrassed. I know that maybe some people may no "mean" to hurt me, but it does. It makes it very hard for me to have any sense of dignity or self-respect. Plus what makes my anxiety 10x worse is my boss sits five feet away from me listening to me stutter all day long. I come home with huge stress and have started to experience mini panic attacks because of the constant anxiety it brings me.
Because of my stutter, I am really quiet around people. I don't speak until I have to or someone else speaks first. I don't want people to hear me stutter because I know I will be judged for it. I also don't want people to see my earplugs because I wear them to cope with my misophonia and sensitive hearing. I already feel like a freak because of my social anxiety--I don't need more reasons for people to think I'm weird. As a result of all this hiding and avoiding people, I am really really lonely. I have been struggling with desires to have a boyfriend because I know that won't fix it, but as I get older and all of these issues surmount my ability to function--I fear I will never have one.
I internalize all of this and feel like God is punishing me or distancing Himself away from me.
I just feel like such a screw-up. I can't get the guts to go to church and make friends because I'm too scared of rejection. And I daydream about happy but imaginary social situations to cope with it. I want nothing more in life than to feel like I belong, that people take me seriously, and that I can properly communicate and have good relationships.
Does God care about me? Is He angry at me? Does He allow these problems in my life to punish me for something I've done? Are people's reactions towards me reflective of how He feels towards me? How do I find confidence in His love in spite of my issues?
At work I have a very hard time. One of the parts of my job duties is to answer and redirect phone calls, and a lot of times after I stutter I get hung up on and sometimes giggled/laughed at. I have been asked if I have forgotten where I worked once and I was very embarrassed. I know that maybe some people may no "mean" to hurt me, but it does. It makes it very hard for me to have any sense of dignity or self-respect. Plus what makes my anxiety 10x worse is my boss sits five feet away from me listening to me stutter all day long. I come home with huge stress and have started to experience mini panic attacks because of the constant anxiety it brings me.
Because of my stutter, I am really quiet around people. I don't speak until I have to or someone else speaks first. I don't want people to hear me stutter because I know I will be judged for it. I also don't want people to see my earplugs because I wear them to cope with my misophonia and sensitive hearing. I already feel like a freak because of my social anxiety--I don't need more reasons for people to think I'm weird. As a result of all this hiding and avoiding people, I am really really lonely. I have been struggling with desires to have a boyfriend because I know that won't fix it, but as I get older and all of these issues surmount my ability to function--I fear I will never have one.
I internalize all of this and feel like God is punishing me or distancing Himself away from me.
I just feel like such a screw-up. I can't get the guts to go to church and make friends because I'm too scared of rejection. And I daydream about happy but imaginary social situations to cope with it. I want nothing more in life than to feel like I belong, that people take me seriously, and that I can properly communicate and have good relationships.
Does God care about me? Is He angry at me? Does He allow these problems in my life to punish me for something I've done? Are people's reactions towards me reflective of how He feels towards me? How do I find confidence in His love in spite of my issues?