Going through divorce and miss my husband

[Katie's Mom]

My husband and I are getting divorced. It is very amicable, but difficult nonetheless. I'm trying to determine if I really miss my husband or if I'm just lonely and worried about the future. Our daughter passed away five years ago and we seem to have followed different grief paths. Over the years, we slowly pulled away from each other and discovered we were not supportive of each other in the way we both needed. We seemed to bring out the worst in each other and the constant fights, arguments and unmet expectations spurred us to make the decision. I really wanted to work on things and get a Christian counselor, but my husband did not want to go this route. I'm angry about the fact that we didn't give this a second chance. In defense of the divorce, I think it's giving us time to become who we want to be. For me, I'd like to get closer to God, reach out to friends more, and be more confident. The problem is that I miss him horribly. We attempted to stay friends, but it wasn't working for me. He wanted a friendship in which he could reach out whenever he wanted, which was hardly ever. I started having expectations of the friendship and I was getting anxious and confused. I told him that we needed some time with no contact until we both get to a point where we have no expectations and had some time to heal individually. I'm trying to do things with friends, but it's not the same. I feel empty. We always "got" each other and when we got along, we REALLY got along. We had a lot of good times together. I don't like my new life at all. I moved into an apartment because he kept the house. I live alone with my dog and am in the process of finding a full-time teaching job. When my daughter passed away, I took some time away from the classroom, but now I need to return for financial reasons, but I also think I want to! I'm okay at work, but get very sad and worried when I'm alone. My sisters live across the country and though I have friends, they are busy with their families most of the time. I want to go to Christian counseling, but I don't have the funds right now. Last night, I couldn't sleep because I thought about my future when I'm elderly. Will I die alone, who will take care of me if I need care, will I always feel this sad and lonely? I read a devotional every morning and God really is speaking to me through it. I believe His words, but I'm really struggling to live them. I don't know what I feel. Do I truly miss my husband or am I afraid of being alone? Sorry for the rambling!

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Kate's mom,
Welcome to CF.
You can discuss a lot of things here and get lots of advice. Only some of it will apply to you.
I've been divorced for over 10 years now. I've made so many friends over years that I can't keep up with all of them. There are a lot of lonely people out there and if your friend them you will make friends.
In my area, meetup.com is a great way to meet people of similar interests without the pressure of dating.

Keep posting and sharing your life. Think about your life and get out to make friends.

 

[Servant68]

So sorry to hear of your daughter's passing. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child. I have heard that it often causes the failure of marriages due to differences in grieving processes.

It sounds like you and your husband really had something great and I can imagine how hard it is to let it go.

I also wanted to save my marriage as I was afraid of being alone. And she also refused to go to counseling. I went on my own and it is worth it.

If he has not moved on to another person and you have not either, then perhaps things can be eventually salvaged. It sounds like it is more of a heart issue rather than a sin issue; if you both realize that the other was not meeting needs and expectations, then realizing that is half the battle. The other half is deciding that you WANT to meet your spouse's needs and expectations and they WANT to meet yours.

If either or both of you decided you didn't want to or couldn't meet the other's needs and expectations, then divorce is inevitable, as it sounds like it was in your case.

But I also think in your case there is plenty of room for God's grace and a miracle to happen.

 

[rubyinprogress]

My husband and I are getting divorced. It is very amicable, but difficult nonetheless. I'm trying to determine if I really miss my husband or if I'm just lonely and worried about the future. Our daughter passed away five years ago and we seem to have followed different grief paths. Over the years, we slowly pulled away from each other and discovered we were not supportive of each other in the way we both needed. We seemed to bring out the worst in each other and the constant fights, arguments and unmet expectations spurred us to make the decision. I really wanted to work on things and get a Christian counselor, but my husband did not want to go this route. I'm angry about the fact that we didn't give this a second chance. In defense of the divorce, I think it's giving us time to become who we want to be. For me, I'd like to get closer to God, reach out to friends more, and be more confident. The problem is that I miss him horribly. We attempted to stay friends, but it wasn't working for me. He wanted a friendship in which he could reach out whenever he wanted, which was hardly ever. I started having expectations of the friendship and I was getting anxious and confused. I told him that we needed some time with no contact until we both get to a point where we have no expectations and had some time to heal individually. I'm trying to do things with friends, but it's not the same. I feel empty. We always "got" each other and when we got along, we REALLY got along. We had a lot of good times together. I don't like my new life at all. I moved into an apartment because he kept the house. I live alone with my dog and am in the process of finding a full-time teaching job. When my daughter passed away, I took some time away from the classroom, but now I need to return for financial reasons, but I also think I want to! I'm okay at work, but get very sad and worried when I'm alone. My sisters live across the country and though I have friends, they are busy with their families most of the time. I want to go to Christian counseling, but I don't have the funds right now. Last night, I couldn't sleep because I thought about my future when I'm elderly. Will I die alone, who will take care of me if I need care, will I always feel this sad and lonely? I read a devotional every morning and God really is speaking to me through it. I believe His words, but I'm really struggling to live them. I don't know what I feel. Do I truly miss my husband or am I afraid of being alone? Sorry for the rambling!

Welcome! My heart goes out to you. I hope you find here a safe place to sort through your concerns. I don't know what low cost counseling options are in your area but you might contact Focus on the Family and see if they have any suggestions. Where I work we offer sliding scale/ability to pay options, but I am in a different state than you. And then there are Divorce Care groups which are usually offered at churches. Even if there isn't one near you, you can go to their website and sign up to receive encouraging and helpful emails everyday for a year.