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I wrote this up after reading a book by Steven K. Scott. It's the do's and don'ts of constructive conflict. Which one of these would you find the most helpful in your dealings?
Conflict Don’ts
Don’t bury the problem or the pain it’s causing you. Don’t think that the answer to any conflict is to avoid it, or to bury the problem with denial. If you do, that hurt will still grow like an untreated infection and create even greater problems in the future.
Don’t let a confrontation degenerate into an attack on the other person’s character. Stay focused upon the problem. Don’t dilute your argument by focusing on the other person’s weaknesses or character.
Don’t use inflammatory remarks, sarcasms, or name-calling. Don’t generalize or exaggerate. When you use any of these in an argument, it completely changes the focus of the argument, causing, the other person to defend him or herself, or make excuses, drawing their attention away from the real issue. It will also make them deaf to anything else you say.
Don’t enter a conflict with condescension or the attitude of a know-it-all. To achieve the bests possible outcome, enter any conflict with the spirit of a learner- one who also has weaknesses and problems. This can be especially hard for bosses, spouses, and parents to do, but it’s a must to treat the other person with the same respect you would expect or desire of them.
Don’t let the conflict broaden to other issues. Regardless of the temptation to bring up other issues. Keep your argument focused on the isssue causing the conflict.
Never use ultimatums or threats. When you use ultimatems or threats, you are backing the other person into a corner. That may force a destructive counterattack on their part. It also changes the focus from the issue at hand and instead makes the threat or ultimatum the focus.
Don’t use disrespectful body language or demeaning nonverbal communication. Rolling your eyes, shaking your head, slapping your forehead, or using that popular retort “Duuuuhh” is both rude and demeaning.
Don’t interrupt. Let the person say what he or she wants to say. Let them get it all out, Stay focused on what they’re saying. Nod to show your attention. Show patience. Control your tongue. This will show that you value the other person, and because you’ve listened carefully to their concerns, it will make them much more receptive to your genuine concerns and thoughts.
Don’t raise your voice. Remember that soft words turn away anger but harsh words stir it up. Keep your tone of voice respectful.
Never walk away, or withdraw, or hang up the telephone in the middle of a confrontation. Remember, the best way to get another person to really hear what you’re saying is to show honor and respect during the communication. Withdrawing, walking away, or hanging up on the other person shows the opposite. The only time it’s appropriate to hang up or walk away is if the other person starts to become verbally or emotionally abusive.
Conflict Dos
Take a time-out to regain your emotional control. Wait until you are calm before you engage in a confrontation.
Prepare for the confrontation before you engage in it. Rather than acting hastily and shooting from the hip, take time to determine your specific goal for the confrontation. Do you simply want to resolve a current problem? Do you want to stop a behavior pattern, or do you want to attempt to replace a destructive behavior pattern with a more constructive one? Do you want to correct, encourage, or punish? You should want the confrontation to accomplish a specific goal, not just in inflame an already bad situation. Write down your goal if time permits. Determine how the begin the confrontation in the least inflammatory way.
If your intent is to give criticism, use the sandwich method. Deliver your slice of critcism sandwiched between two slices of praise. Start by stating a positive attribute about the person, then deliver the critcism, then end with more positive statements.
Use as many encouraging and positive statements as you can in the context surrounding the issue you’re trying to address or resolve. Your goal is not to tear downthe other person, but rather to constructively address and resolve a problem. Adding encouragement and praise to your argument helps them to know that your goal is to help rather than to hurt. It makes it easier for them to listen, understand, and respond is a positive way.
Be willing to offer and accept a progressive resolution of the problem or issue. In other words, don’t expect the problem to be resolved instantly. Be willing to work at it with a person. Realize that time is often the most important ingredient for lasting change.
Ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve the problem. This not only shows humility on your part, it shows a sincere willingness to take responsibility for any contribution your actions have made to the problem. It also shows that you want to attack the problem as a team, rather than as two adversaries.
If the person attacks you, don’t retaliate. Instead, when they attack, urge them to tell you everything. Ask them, “What else do I do that offends you?” Assure them that you, too, have weaknesses that you need to work on. This will prove that your real desire is to achieve the best possible outcome.
When possible, reassure the person of your ongoing commitment to them and your desire to strengthen and build the relationship. Let them know your commitment to them and to your relationship is the reason you want to address this conflict or problem.
Conflict Don’ts
Don’t bury the problem or the pain it’s causing you. Don’t think that the answer to any conflict is to avoid it, or to bury the problem with denial. If you do, that hurt will still grow like an untreated infection and create even greater problems in the future.
Don’t let a confrontation degenerate into an attack on the other person’s character. Stay focused upon the problem. Don’t dilute your argument by focusing on the other person’s weaknesses or character.
Don’t use inflammatory remarks, sarcasms, or name-calling. Don’t generalize or exaggerate. When you use any of these in an argument, it completely changes the focus of the argument, causing, the other person to defend him or herself, or make excuses, drawing their attention away from the real issue. It will also make them deaf to anything else you say.
Don’t enter a conflict with condescension or the attitude of a know-it-all. To achieve the bests possible outcome, enter any conflict with the spirit of a learner- one who also has weaknesses and problems. This can be especially hard for bosses, spouses, and parents to do, but it’s a must to treat the other person with the same respect you would expect or desire of them.
Don’t let the conflict broaden to other issues. Regardless of the temptation to bring up other issues. Keep your argument focused on the isssue causing the conflict.
Never use ultimatums or threats. When you use ultimatems or threats, you are backing the other person into a corner. That may force a destructive counterattack on their part. It also changes the focus from the issue at hand and instead makes the threat or ultimatum the focus.
Don’t use disrespectful body language or demeaning nonverbal communication. Rolling your eyes, shaking your head, slapping your forehead, or using that popular retort “Duuuuhh” is both rude and demeaning.
Don’t interrupt. Let the person say what he or she wants to say. Let them get it all out, Stay focused on what they’re saying. Nod to show your attention. Show patience. Control your tongue. This will show that you value the other person, and because you’ve listened carefully to their concerns, it will make them much more receptive to your genuine concerns and thoughts.
Don’t raise your voice. Remember that soft words turn away anger but harsh words stir it up. Keep your tone of voice respectful.
Never walk away, or withdraw, or hang up the telephone in the middle of a confrontation. Remember, the best way to get another person to really hear what you’re saying is to show honor and respect during the communication. Withdrawing, walking away, or hanging up on the other person shows the opposite. The only time it’s appropriate to hang up or walk away is if the other person starts to become verbally or emotionally abusive.
Conflict Dos
Take a time-out to regain your emotional control. Wait until you are calm before you engage in a confrontation.
Prepare for the confrontation before you engage in it. Rather than acting hastily and shooting from the hip, take time to determine your specific goal for the confrontation. Do you simply want to resolve a current problem? Do you want to stop a behavior pattern, or do you want to attempt to replace a destructive behavior pattern with a more constructive one? Do you want to correct, encourage, or punish? You should want the confrontation to accomplish a specific goal, not just in inflame an already bad situation. Write down your goal if time permits. Determine how the begin the confrontation in the least inflammatory way.
If your intent is to give criticism, use the sandwich method. Deliver your slice of critcism sandwiched between two slices of praise. Start by stating a positive attribute about the person, then deliver the critcism, then end with more positive statements.
Use as many encouraging and positive statements as you can in the context surrounding the issue you’re trying to address or resolve. Your goal is not to tear downthe other person, but rather to constructively address and resolve a problem. Adding encouragement and praise to your argument helps them to know that your goal is to help rather than to hurt. It makes it easier for them to listen, understand, and respond is a positive way.
Be willing to offer and accept a progressive resolution of the problem or issue. In other words, don’t expect the problem to be resolved instantly. Be willing to work at it with a person. Realize that time is often the most important ingredient for lasting change.
Ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve the problem. This not only shows humility on your part, it shows a sincere willingness to take responsibility for any contribution your actions have made to the problem. It also shows that you want to attack the problem as a team, rather than as two adversaries.
If the person attacks you, don’t retaliate. Instead, when they attack, urge them to tell you everything. Ask them, “What else do I do that offends you?” Assure them that you, too, have weaknesses that you need to work on. This will prove that your real desire is to achieve the best possible outcome.
When possible, reassure the person of your ongoing commitment to them and your desire to strengthen and build the relationship. Let them know your commitment to them and to your relationship is the reason you want to address this conflict or problem.
