Tired of living this way

singpeace

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HELLO TO ALL MY CF FRIENDS. THANKS FOR PRAYING FOR ME.

I haven't been here in a while. For several years I tried to be a friend, a minister, and a help to others. I wish so much that I could do that again. Maybe soon.

In the past 7 years I have had 4 major surgeries and on a separate occasion I had an undiagnosed lung infection, and my oxygen was at 55% when paramedics came. I spent 7 days on a ventilator/life support. When I woke I had a hypoxic brain injury from the length of time without sufficient oxygen.

My body is literally falling apart. I have severe complex degenerative disk disease which has almost cost me the use of my hand. I've had 3 spine surgeries/fusions and 8 disks replaced.
My shoulder and hip get regular shots until we need to do those surgeries. I'm only 51!!

Nine years ago I was running 3 miles 3 days a week; going to yoga class twice a week and using small weights.

Each surgery has required a minimum of 12 to 18 months of recovery - each time. As soon as my body was healed from the last surgery, I was being scheduled for the next one.
Just 5 weeks ago I had unexpected surgery to remove ovarian cysts the size of a honey dew melon and a grapefruit. They did a full hysterectomy at the same time, took out my appendix and another surgeon repaired a hernia.

It's far from over unless a miracle of healing comes. I love the Lord no matter what happens to me. I don't try to understand why... I just know how He saved me and that is enough.

I'm going back to my surgeon next week - good lord.

I have started thinking lately that it may not worth living if I end up unable to ever regain my health. I cannot live knowing I can no longer contribute but be a burden to my husband who has been wonderful to me. I know these thoughts are probably not rational but the chronic pain has a way of opening up a whole new set of ideas.
I'm on morphine, percocet, gabapentin and medical marijuana. If I were not able to get these drugs for my pain, I would just leave it all behind.

I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I want to be my old self again.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME WHATEVER THE LORD PUTS ON YOUR HEART. THANK YOU EVERYBODY. I LOVE YOU ALL SO DEARLY AND MISS GETTING ON CF LIKE I USED TO.
 

derpytia

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HELLO TO ALL MY CF FRIENDS. THANKS FOR PRAYING FOR ME.

I haven't been here in a while. For several years I tried to be a friend, a minister, and a help to others. I wish so much that I could do that again. Maybe soon.

In the past 7 years I have had 4 major surgeries and on a separate occasion I had an undiagnosed lung infection, and my oxygen was at 55% when paramedics came. I spent 7 days on a ventilator/life support. When I woke I had a hypoxic brain injury from the length of time without sufficient oxygen.

My body is literally falling apart. I have severe complex degenerative disk disease which has almost cost me the use of my hand. I've had 3 spine surgeries/fusions and 8 disks replaced.
My shoulder and hip get regular shots until we need to do those surgeries. I'm only 51!!

Nine years ago I was running 3 miles 3 days a week; going to yoga class twice a week and using small weights.

Each surgery has required a minimum of 12 to 18 months of recovery - each time. As soon as my body was healed from the last surgery, I was being scheduled for the next one.
Just 5 weeks ago I had unexpected surgery to remove ovarian cysts the size of a honey dew melon and a grapefruit. They did a full hysterectomy at the same time, took out my appendix and another surgeon repaired a hernia.

It's far from over unless a miracle of healing comes. I love the Lord no matter what happens to me. I don't try to understand why... I just know how He saved me and that is enough.

I'm going back to my surgeon next week - good lord.

I have started thinking lately that it may not worth living if I end up unable to ever regain my health. I cannot live knowing I can no longer contribute but be a burden to my husband who has been wonderful to me. I know these thoughts are probably not rational but the chronic pain has a way of opening up a whole new set of ideas.
I'm on morphine, percocet, gabapentin and medical marijuana. If I were not able to get these drugs for my pain, I would just leave it all behind.

I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I want to be my old self again.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME WHATEVER THE LORD PUTS ON YOUR HEART. THANK YOU EVERYBODY. I LOVE YOU ALL SO DEARLY AND MISS GETTING ON CF LIKE I USED TO.

Hello there!

My heart is aching for you and your struggles. You sound exactly like I do in this point in time. I'm only 24 years of age but I am dealing with hearing loss, visual snow, and severe tinnitus (so loud that nothing can mask it). I had dreams and a lot of things going for me about four years ago and it all changed so quickly. Yet I am blessed by the Lord for not having to endure the chronic bodily pain that you are having to endure. But I guess we all have our pain in life.

What I mean to say is I understand your sorrow. I understand wanting to be the person you used to be. I look at pictures of myself four and even seven years ago and mourn the loss of that happy smiling girl. Pictures of me now are far and few in between and when they are taken, I look worn and sad.

I don't know why the Lord has seen fit to give some of us trials beyond measure. I wish I had an answer other than the knowledge that He is in control and works out everything in this life, good or bad, to our benefit. Even if we can't for the life of us see what that benefit is. Maybe others can see it and we cannot.

I will pray for you as I pray for myself, begging God to have mercy upon us both and to bring us healing, strength in endurance, and trust in Him.

My the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He look upon you with favor and give you His peace.
 
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Aino

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I can't say I can understand any of your pain but I can pray for you and for your family as well. Don't think of yourself as a burden, you're still a gift for your husband. Give him what you can, be open to take whatever help you need. We all need it sometimes, some of us more and some less. But God is merciful and loving and won't require from us things we cannot do. He can also take your anger, pain and grief. Hang in there, everything is in his control. :hug:
 
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discipler7

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in March 2010, "No one can keep the law. If it were possible, He wouldn't have had to die."
MATTHEW.19:16-20 says otherwise, ie the rich young Jewish ruler could keep the Law. But he failed to follow Jesus and so lost his treasure in heaven.

At LUKE.16:19-31, the Old Testament-era rich man was sent to hell for breaking God's Law at DEUT.15:11, ie for refusing to provide charity to beggar Lazarus during the Sabbath Year or every 7th Year.
....... Bad things will happen to people who intentionally break God's Law - DEUT.28:15, PROVERBS.1:26, 1JOHN.5:16-19, 1COR.5:5 & 11:30, HEBREWS.10:26-31. For such suffering sinners/evildoers/law-breakers, healing and deliverance from God/Jesus may happen but rarely.

1PETER.3:19 & 4:6 describes how law-abiding OT figures like Abraham, Lazarus, Moses and Elijah(MATTHEW.17:3 & 27:52) were saved from hell, ie by keeping the Law.
....... IOW, NT figures could no longer be saved by just keeping Moses Law, ie they have to believe in Jesus Christ and not blaspheme the Holy Spirit, eg by cursing God/Jesus and die.(JOB.2:9)

Prayers for you.
 
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r4.h

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Nine years ago I was running 3 miles 3 days a week; going to yoga class twice a week and using small weights.

Is this true Yoga? Yoga is not compatible with the commands of God, not to serve idols.
 
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thesunisout

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HELLO TO ALL MY CF FRIENDS. THANKS FOR PRAYING FOR ME.

I haven't been here in a while. For several years I tried to be a friend, a minister, and a help to others. I wish so much that I could do that again. Maybe soon.

In the past 7 years I have had 4 major surgeries and on a separate occasion I had an undiagnosed lung infection, and my oxygen was at 55% when paramedics came. I spent 7 days on a ventilator/life support. When I woke I had a hypoxic brain injury from the length of time without sufficient oxygen.

My body is literally falling apart. I have severe complex degenerative disk disease which has almost cost me the use of my hand. I've had 3 spine surgeries/fusions and 8 disks replaced.
My shoulder and hip get regular shots until we need to do those surgeries. I'm only 51!!

Nine years ago I was running 3 miles 3 days a week; going to yoga class twice a week and using small weights.

Each surgery has required a minimum of 12 to 18 months of recovery - each time. As soon as my body was healed from the last surgery, I was being scheduled for the next one.
Just 5 weeks ago I had unexpected surgery to remove ovarian cysts the size of a honey dew melon and a grapefruit. They did a full hysterectomy at the same time, took out my appendix and another surgeon repaired a hernia.

It's far from over unless a miracle of healing comes. I love the Lord no matter what happens to me. I don't try to understand why... I just know how He saved me and that is enough.

I'm going back to my surgeon next week - good lord.

I have started thinking lately that it may not worth living if I end up unable to ever regain my health. I cannot live knowing I can no longer contribute but be a burden to my husband who has been wonderful to me. I know these thoughts are probably not rational but the chronic pain has a way of opening up a whole new set of ideas.
I'm on morphine, percocet, gabapentin and medical marijuana. If I were not able to get these drugs for my pain, I would just leave it all behind.

I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I want to be my old self again.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME WHATEVER THE LORD PUTS ON YOUR HEART. THANK YOU EVERYBODY. I LOVE YOU ALL SO DEARLY AND MISS GETTING ON CF LIKE I USED TO.

Praying for you sister
 
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singpeace

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MATTHEW.19:16-20 says otherwise, ie the rich young Jewish ruler could keep the Law. But he failed to follow Jesus and so lost his treasure in heaven.

At LUKE.16:19-31, the Old Testament-era rich man was sent to hell for breaking God's Law at DEUT.15:11, ie for refusing to provide charity to beggar Lazarus during the Sabbath Year or every 7th Year.
....... Bad things will happen to people who intentionally break God's Law - DEUT.28:15, PROVERBS.1:26, 1JOHN.5:16-19, 1COR.5:5 & 11:30. For such suffering sinners/evildoers/law-breakers, healing and deliverance from God/Jesus may happen but rarely.

1PETER.3:19 & 4:6 describes how law-abiding OT figures like Abraham, Lazarus, Moses and Elijah(MATTHEW.17:3 & 27:52) were saved from hell.
....... IOW, NT figures could no longer be saved by just keeping Moses Law, ie they have to believe in Jesus Christ and not blaspheme the Holy Spirit, eg by cursing God/Jesus and die.(JOB.2:9)

Prayers for you.


Wow discipler7. The Christ-like mercy and understanding in your reply underwhelms me. I'm glad to know that the Lord is in no way resentful of me; disappointed in me, and certainly not able to be cursed by a mere human. I just want you to know that God sees the true intentions of every heart.
 
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singpeace

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Is this true Yoga? Yoga is not compatible with the commands of God, not to serve idols.
I worship Jesus with my whole heart while I stretch for an hour with some ladies. The meaning in your question was to jab me with a little guilt trip.
 
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singpeace

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I can't say I can understand any of your pain but I can pray for you and for your family as well. Don't think of yourself as a burden, you're still a gift for your husband. Give him what you can, be open to take whatever help you need. We all need it sometimes, some of us more and some less. But God is merciful and loving and won't require from us things we cannot do. He can also take your anger, pain and grief. Hang in there, everything is in his control. :hug:
Thank you so much for that.
 
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singpeace

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WOW! You've been through a lot and more! He can make people whole again. Told you about my eyes used to hurt with no letting up. The eye doctor told me that he knew it hurt, but he didn't want to give me anything for it, as I seem to have a high tolerance to pain. One particular heart doctor at UCLA Medical Center kept repeatedly telling me that also. He told me that it baffled him. He had seen nothing like it before. But again, when I went to God and told Him that I could not take it anymore...He healed my eyesight in an instant. My doctor later told me that he sees it, but he can't explain it. Told him that he could never again tell people that he had not seen a miracle. The things I'm telling you started when I was about 30 and had been sprayed with the Medfly poison that came down on me from a helicopter/s. The next morning began a time of fighting for my life- pain, fainting and near doing it, being given oxygen. Not sure just how low mine went that was actually recorded, but they freaked after they read it in the emergency room. People were moving fast after that.

I thank God you were there today and replied to my thread. Your text made me cry a little.I love that you were healed. Thank you!
 
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singpeace

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Hello there!

My heart is aching for you and your struggles. You sound exactly like I do in this point in time. I'm only 24 years of age but I am dealing with hearing loss, visual snow, and severe tinnitus (so loud that nothing can mask it). I had dreams and a lot of things going for me about four years ago and it all changed so quickly. Yet I am blessed by the Lord for not having to endure the chronic bodily pain that you are having to endure. But I guess we all have our pain in life.

What I mean to say is I understand your sorrow. I understand wanting to be the person you used to be. I look at pictures of myself four and even seven years ago and mourn the loss of that happy smiling girl. Pictures of me now are far and few in between and when they are taken, I look worn and sad.

I don't know why the Lord has seen fit to give some of us trials beyond measure. I wish I had an answer other than the knowledge that He is in control and works out everything in this life, good or bad, to our benefit. Even if we can't for the life of us see what that benefit is. Maybe others can see it and we cannot.

I will pray for you as I pray for myself, begging God to have mercy upon us both and to bring us healing, strength in endurance, and trust in Him.

My the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He look upon you with favor and give you His peace.

Thank you for sharing that with me. You are correct; no matter who you are or how old or young, and no matter how you get your pain; pain is still pain. I used to be the one praying for everyone else. It is hard to admit that I could use some help. My heart will be praying for you and your future. I pray that you might know the peace and joy I have known. I pray you discover a talent that makes it possible for you to excel at something you love!
 
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