- Sep 11, 2006
- 3,698
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- United States
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- Married
possibly the most confusing battle I’m fighting is in my own head.
As I work my two jobs and my husband works none... there’s also the fights. The obvious clue that he doesn’t forgive the seperation or anything that happened because of it.
When we fight, the “d” word comes out. He often talks of wanting to run away. Technically I deserve that.
I keep talking him down and fighting for us, but it’s getting harder and harder. As depression and stress and exhaustion take hold of me and pull me down, his case against me mounts up. Yes, technically speaking, I do deserve to have him pack up and leave me here to fend for myself. After all, it’s what I did to him earlier this year...and it ruined his life.
Then I become painfully aware how divided I am. After all, I was somehow able to fall in love with a friend. It’s simple... that guy worked hard for a living and didn’t have all the anger and rage that comes with ptsd so to me, he was easier to care for than my own husband, whom I was seperated from.
And yes, to be fair, I was honest with my husband about this emotional cheat. He’d done the same to me. But on the internet.
I still think of that guy. But I remind myself he was more of a fantasy and not a reality.
But since half of me could shut down and move On and move out, I know I’m divided. The other half envisions my husband and I sitting on the beach watching a sunset in two years and saying to each other “I’m glad we worked through that hard time we are so much stronger now.”
I try to listen to that half. But it’s hard, when In fits of PTSD, he talks about hating me. Leaving me. Meeting someone who won’t ruin his life.
I have ways out. Three to be exact. One local, two far away. One of the two is stable but not desirable... move back in with parents. The other sounds like a dream but may not be stable.
To be or not to be.... married? I don’t want to have to take one of the escape routes. I want that fantasy about me and him sitting on the beach.
As I work my two jobs and my husband works none... there’s also the fights. The obvious clue that he doesn’t forgive the seperation or anything that happened because of it.
When we fight, the “d” word comes out. He often talks of wanting to run away. Technically I deserve that.
I keep talking him down and fighting for us, but it’s getting harder and harder. As depression and stress and exhaustion take hold of me and pull me down, his case against me mounts up. Yes, technically speaking, I do deserve to have him pack up and leave me here to fend for myself. After all, it’s what I did to him earlier this year...and it ruined his life.
Then I become painfully aware how divided I am. After all, I was somehow able to fall in love with a friend. It’s simple... that guy worked hard for a living and didn’t have all the anger and rage that comes with ptsd so to me, he was easier to care for than my own husband, whom I was seperated from.
And yes, to be fair, I was honest with my husband about this emotional cheat. He’d done the same to me. But on the internet.
I still think of that guy. But I remind myself he was more of a fantasy and not a reality.
But since half of me could shut down and move On and move out, I know I’m divided. The other half envisions my husband and I sitting on the beach watching a sunset in two years and saying to each other “I’m glad we worked through that hard time we are so much stronger now.”
I try to listen to that half. But it’s hard, when In fits of PTSD, he talks about hating me. Leaving me. Meeting someone who won’t ruin his life.
I have ways out. Three to be exact. One local, two far away. One of the two is stable but not desirable... move back in with parents. The other sounds like a dream but may not be stable.
To be or not to be.... married? I don’t want to have to take one of the escape routes. I want that fantasy about me and him sitting on the beach.