Weird Hubby Behavior

[DZoolander]

Why did he get so mad at you?

Because it seems like everything out of your mouth is some form of calling him a liar and a cheat. He wants to work out at the office gym? What's your response? "Does that other woman work out there?"

Maybe he's had enough of the years of every single thing he does being viewed within that context. I sure as heck would.

 

[DZoolander]

Let's put it this way. Let's say I was a liar and a cheat. Let's say I had a woman at the office I wanted to carry on with. Nobody would ever know. I would simply go to her place at lunch and have at it. So far as anyone was concerned I was going to eat at Baja Fresh. I was taking my lunch hour. She would be taking her lunch hour. Coincidence that we both took lunch at noon? Not really. Not that anyone would notice. Most people take their lunch at noon or whatever.

There would be no admissions of taking her out to see the town. There would be no telling our kids that I went out to lunch with so and so. There would be no telling anyone anything. If I wanted to be truly deceitful - it isn't that hard to do it. I can't imagine he's too much of a moron to know the same thing.

If I were looking for hookers - would I give them my actual phone number? No. I'd go out to 7-11 and buy myself a $30 disposable phone. That way no "accidents" would ever happen. The cel phone my wife knows I carry would never cross anyone's path that I didn't want her seeing had called. The disposable phone would never grace my car. It would never come anywhere near my home. It would stay in an inconspicuous place that noone would ever find - used only when I needed to set up my dalliances.

That's what a liar and a cheat would do. ESPECIALLY if he's got a snoop after him.

 

[Heather Maka]

Yes I would be willing to bet they're having an emotional affair- or that it is an entirely different woman he is lunching with (and telling me that he had lunch with his lesbian coworker). Maybe I'm jumping the gun or thinking ahead too much- but I know the deceit people are capable of. I don't particularly enjoy being on the receiving end of it. I think I deserve more respect and love than this relationship is providing me. My husband is just simply not the type of guy who he wants to be. He wants to be a good Christian loving husband whom people respect and he tries to portray this image to anyone else on the outside. However, he can be a very cold, heartless person with huge mood swings and a tendency to get bored with a good relationship. Even when we have been blissfully happy in the past, he has done things to "rock the boat". I have gone thru so much with him over the past 3 years. We have found out one of our children has a disability. My husband has had depression (which he denies). He has had a inappropriate content addiction- which he says he has overcome. Also about 1.5 yrs ago, I demanded that he go to anger management therapy for his angry outbursts (he kicked a hole in an interior door in our home, he picked up a small granite top table and threw it upside down (breaking the granite) in front of our children. All because I wanted to get a doctor on-call paged for my son with disability. My son was having a health issue and my husband didn't agree or want to help me call the doctor (I was busy cleaning up vomit on the floor). We had words and he threw the table upside down. I'm not saying I'm perfect either- but he is definitely far from it. I just don't think he's the one in the position to be calling up attorneys considering all he has done. So- I think he just wants out. I'm really trying hard, but it has become difficult for me to want to stay in the marriage. I had a friend suggest to me to just cheat on him because that's what she would do/did when a guy cheated on her. I'm sorry- but I just don't do that. I have better morals than that and know how it feels to be cheated on...so I'm not a person that does that. My husband also has a ton of baggage/stress from his family. His brother is a drug addict who is older than my husband, but he is constantly in trouble with the law and either in jail or a hospital. My in-laws are old and having lots of health problems. I try to talk to my husband about these things and he shuts me out. His mother puts a ton of pressure on him to visit them every weekend (they live 2.5 hrs away). It's just not possible for us to be driving there every weekend. This causes a lot of guilt on my husband. I think in the past, he has used sex as a coping mechanism (hence the inappropriate content addiction). I sometimes think it's just best that I let him go. Just let him go out and sow his wild oats if that's what he needs to do. I just don't think he understands that once I'm out/gone, I will NOT be getting back with him. I'm not interested in that. I feel that if I'm not important enough to stay with right now- then he's not important enough to me to get back with. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, but this man has twisted my heart apart so many times I cannot count. I cannot put myself thru it again. I barely survived the ordeals we went thru several years ago. He refuses to acknowledge the problem with any of his behaviors and I am just left with nothing to work with.

As a 64 year old male who's wife of 20 years was "done" when I was 43, and then finding the woman of my dreams, literally, 3 weeks later, to whom I've been married 20 blissful years going on, hopefully, another 30, I will say this:

Based on your entire post, and especially the last lines, "Right now, my heart is padlocked and he won't be getting in any time soon! What do you think?"...

You may want to call an attorney as well.

I'm not putting it on you, but your response will only make it worse. She doesn't have to be that good looking, and you don't have to have physical intimacy to have an affair. A man in his position should NOT be spending so much private time with another woman, married or not, if he is married. They are building a close relationship. And if she was "happily" married, she would probably not be doing this. I know taht none of the woman I work with would be comfortable doing this with ME. That is because we talk about their spouses and I talk about how wonderful mine is, as they say about theirs.

Your husband and this woman are "heing and sheing" even if it is only what you are aware of and nothing else. It is literally that simple. And the fact that he even called a divorce attorney, even once, speaks volumes.

At this point, there are two solutions, only one of which would probably work long term. The first is that you become those women in the inappropriate content. The second is that you pray for a miraculous healing in his outlook. However, you can not FORCE a person to change. And people can be quite stubborn.

 

[DZoolander]

I've never heard of a more miserable couple of people apparently hell-bent on making each other miserable.

 

[Heather Maka]

Speaking of the disposable phone, back during the inappropriate content/hooker thing I actually found some digital evidence in his regular phone history where he was looking at Cricket phones. I asked him what it was and he blew it off like he was looking for a phone for his brother.

Yes what you say makes sense (surely he wouldn't come out and admit he was going to lunch with a woman if he really has something going with her)....and I really don't like coming across as a snoop- because I really am not unless given reason to be. But you just have to understand I have found a crap ton of little things that were weird coincidences. For example:

- history on phone where he was looking at disposable phones (he said it was for his brother who is aged 50)

- live chat software on our office computers (he claimed popups)

- in program files on his laptop- a folder called "Second Life" (a virtual reality dating program) - I never confronted him about this because it's just plain weird!

- after a business trip there was history on his phone showing site called snapsext (he says he doesn't know what that is)

- text from the hooker (he claims it's a wrong number)

- digital traces on his phone for Ashley Madison (he claims was popup while he viewed inappropriate content)


Everything the guy does has traces of sex....all the while, he neglects his wife, his home, his yard, etc. This is so NOT the man I married. Our relationship was NOT like this. I had full trust in him at that time and didn't have to worry about stuff like this. I'm telling you- he's using this stuff as a coping mechanism and he refuses to acknowledge he's got a problem.

Let's put it this way. Let's say I was a liar and a cheat. Let's say I had a woman at the office I wanted to carry on with. Nobody would ever know. I would simply go to her place at lunch and have at it. So far as anyone was concerned I was going to eat at Baja Fresh. I was taking my lunch hour. She would be taking her lunch hour. Coincidence that we both took lunch at noon? Not really. Not that anyone would notice. Most people take their lunch at noon or whatever.

There would be no admissions of taking her out to see the town. There would be no telling our kids that I went out to lunch with so and so. There would be no telling anyone anything. If I wanted to be truly deceitful - it isn't that hard to do it. I can't imagine he's too much of a moron to know the same thing.

If I were looking for hookers - would I give them my actual phone number? No. I'd go out to 7-11 and buy myself a $30 disposable phone. That way no "accidents" would ever happen. The cel phone my wife knows I carry would never cross anyone's path that I didn't want her seeing had called. The disposable phone would never grace my car. It would never come anywhere near my home. It would stay in an inconspicuous place that noone would ever find - used only when I needed to set up my dalliances.

That's what a liar and a cheat would do. ESPECIALLY if he's got a snoop after him.

 

[DZoolander]

Speaking of the disposable phone, back during the inappropriate content/hooker thing I actually found some digital evidence in his regular phone history where he was looking at Cricket phones. I asked him what it was and he blew it off like he was looking for a phone for his brother.

Yes what you say makes sense (surely he wouldn't come out and admit he was going to lunch with a woman if he really has something going with her)....and I really don't like coming across as a snoop- because I really am not unless given reason to be. But you just have to understand I have found a crap ton of little things that were weird coincidences. For example:

- history on phone where he was looking at disposable phones (he said it was for his brother who is aged 50)

Just to play devil's advocate - is that a possibility? Does his brother have a cel phone? Is there anything quirky about his brother? Like, my brother has asperger's, and in a lot of ways is kind of dysfunctional. He doesn't have credit cards, he doesn't have a home phone, he doesn't have a cel phone, he basically just has internet. I see having a phone as a safety thing - and I've mulled over (and searched for) disposable cel phones for him in the past.

Is there anything similar with his brother?

- live chat software on our office computers (he claimed popups)

I actually did a little bit of research on that LiveJasmine thing you were talking about earlier - and apparently they are notorious for their popups on inappropriate content sites. They pay the various free inappropriate content sites to pop up windows with live models with the opportunity to chat (for a charge) as their way of marketing. There are tons of sites that talk about how to block those popups. So, at least with that one I would be inclined to believe him. Other people are apparently irritated that LiveJasmine interrupts their free inappropriate content as well. lol

- in program files on his laptop- a folder called "Second Life" (a virtual reality dating program) - I never confronted him about this because it's just plain weird!

I didn't even know second life still existed...and at least when I was aware of it (like 12-13 years ago) it wasn't a dating app. It was a VRML/Virtual Reality type of experiment of a site. Does it still exist?

(nevermind I just looked) - yeah - it's advertising itself as the same type of thing that I remembered it being. It doesn't ADVERTISE itself as a dating site. Is that your understanding of what it is? I thought it was kind of like "The Sims" but with real people running around spending their earned online currency to buy virtual homes, etc.

- after a business trip there was history on his phone showing site called snapsext (he says he doesn't know what that is)

Just looked that up as well (never heard of it). Apparently that's a nude selfie trading app. That would catch my eye and pique my curiosity if I were you.

- text from the hooker (he claims it's a wrong number)

Also passed a lie detector test on that. So I'd be inclined to think it's probably a wrong number.

- digital traces on his phone for Ashley Madison (he claims was popup while he viewed inappropriate content)

Always possible, but worthy of some degree of skepticism. Since you're a decent/tenacious investigator - I'm sure you heard about the Ashley Madison hack where you could search the details of their database to see who had subscribed? I assume you probably checked that? What were the results?

Everything the guy does has traces of sex....all the while, he neglects his wife, his home, his yard, etc. This is so NOT the man I married. Our relationship was NOT like this. I had full trust in him at that time and didn't have to worry about stuff like this. I'm telling you- he's using this stuff as a coping mechanism and he refuses to acknowledge he's got a problem.

What was the turning point? It seems to be where you found out he was viewing inappropriate content, and when the text came from the hooker?

Be honest. You think he had sex with the hooker, and is lying about it, right? You just don't feel comfortable abandoning the relationship without verified proof - which the lie detector test didn't provide. Is that about on target?