- Sep 29, 2004
- 576
- 73
- Country
- Australia
- Faith
- Christian Seeker
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
Hey thirty somethings,
I'm a 30 year old... girl... no... "woman" who got divorced this year after an 8 year abusive marriage. I'm now in a serious relationship.
So I've always been terrified of having kids and never felt that pull at all. My ex husband said he'd leave me if I got pregnant and it was one of his biggest fears, but it wasn't an option anyway due to me being the sole income earner and that the relationship was toxic. But even when I was younger and before the relationship got so bad, I still never had any interest. So, I was very careful with birth control and never got pregnant.
My ex now has a baby with someone he met and had a casual encounter with which turned into a relationship. I was technically the child's step mother for a while! So that, along with my age, adds to my confusion. Almost everyone I've known has kids.
I love my boyfriend, we are 100% committed and we have such a healthy and beautiful relationship. And that only reminds me of how much I don't want kids. I don't want to give up our freedom, I had very abnormal teens/20s and did not have freedom. Now I finally have it and I'm already biologically over the hill (bell curve) of fertility (if I'm fertile at all, never tried to get pregnant). I feel pressured by my age, society and family to have kids.. but I'm happy with my life as it is.
I don't feel any warm feelings towards kids that I can tell, never had a day dream about anything child related... the thought of a child controlling my day seems truly awful. It just seems like work and I already work a demanding job assisting people with disabilities... that feels like the opposite of what I want in my personal life. I know it all makes me seem cold hearted and not womanly, but I'm a warm person and a passionate partner.. I just can't see what other women see. I love the thought of being a home maker and taking care of my man, just hate the thought of having kids.
So I could just say well it's not for me and move on but I feel abnormal and torn about it. It'd be good to give my family grandchildren and maybe I'll regret not having them when I'm much much older. Plus people just act like it's a woman's destiny and you're not a fully developed person until you have a kid. But... I still hate the idea of sacrificing my life for it. I also have mental and physical health issues that could worsen due to having children and could pass things onto a child (but probably nothing much more serious than the average person has, I don't know, bit I don't think my genes need to be passed on, put it that way.. and my boyfriend and I both have OCD)
It's getting to me...
Thanks for reading
I'm a 30 year old... girl... no... "woman" who got divorced this year after an 8 year abusive marriage. I'm now in a serious relationship.
So I've always been terrified of having kids and never felt that pull at all. My ex husband said he'd leave me if I got pregnant and it was one of his biggest fears, but it wasn't an option anyway due to me being the sole income earner and that the relationship was toxic. But even when I was younger and before the relationship got so bad, I still never had any interest. So, I was very careful with birth control and never got pregnant.
My ex now has a baby with someone he met and had a casual encounter with which turned into a relationship. I was technically the child's step mother for a while! So that, along with my age, adds to my confusion. Almost everyone I've known has kids.
I love my boyfriend, we are 100% committed and we have such a healthy and beautiful relationship. And that only reminds me of how much I don't want kids. I don't want to give up our freedom, I had very abnormal teens/20s and did not have freedom. Now I finally have it and I'm already biologically over the hill (bell curve) of fertility (if I'm fertile at all, never tried to get pregnant). I feel pressured by my age, society and family to have kids.. but I'm happy with my life as it is.
I don't feel any warm feelings towards kids that I can tell, never had a day dream about anything child related... the thought of a child controlling my day seems truly awful. It just seems like work and I already work a demanding job assisting people with disabilities... that feels like the opposite of what I want in my personal life. I know it all makes me seem cold hearted and not womanly, but I'm a warm person and a passionate partner.. I just can't see what other women see. I love the thought of being a home maker and taking care of my man, just hate the thought of having kids.
So I could just say well it's not for me and move on but I feel abnormal and torn about it. It'd be good to give my family grandchildren and maybe I'll regret not having them when I'm much much older. Plus people just act like it's a woman's destiny and you're not a fully developed person until you have a kid. But... I still hate the idea of sacrificing my life for it. I also have mental and physical health issues that could worsen due to having children and could pass things onto a child (but probably nothing much more serious than the average person has, I don't know, bit I don't think my genes need to be passed on, put it that way.. and my boyfriend and I both have OCD)
It's getting to me...
Thanks for reading
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