The Humour Thread

[Colin]

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

I find some of these to be offensive.

 

[Colin]

I find some of these to be offensive.

Could you clarify , and explain what you find offensive so that I can avoid any such humour in the future ?

 

[Colin]

Pope John XXIII.....

Visiting a hospital, he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the pope said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

"It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about the serious problems afflicting the world and I tell myself, I must talk to the pope about it. Then the next day when I wake up I remember that I am the pope."

In reply to a reporter who asked, "How many people work in the Vatican?", he reportedly said: "About half of them."

When a cardinal complained that a rise in Vatican salaries meant a particular usher earned as much as the cardinal, the pope remarked: "That usher has 10 children; I hope the cardinal doesn't."

When he went to visit a friend at the nearby Hospital of the Holy Spirit in the evening, the nun answering the door said: "Holy Father, I'm the mother superior of the Holy Spirit." He replied: "Lucky you! What a job! I'm just the Vicar of Christ " .

Not long after he was elected pope, Blessed John was walking in the streets of Rome. A woman passed him and said to her friend, "My God, he's so fat!" Overhearing what she said, he turned around and replied, "Madame, I trust you understand that the papal conclave is not exactly a beauty contest."

He once wrote: "There are three ways to face ruin: women, gambling and farming. My father chose the most boring one."

A Vatican official told the pope it would be "absolutely impossible" to open the Second Vatican Council by 1963. "Fine, we'll open it in 1962," he answered. And he did.

 

[Colin]

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?


Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do a "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?


Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?

Who actually tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(The shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)


On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).


On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)


On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".


On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

[tadoflamb]

 

[Genersis]

I am humourless.
Or at least, that's what 21st century doctors tell me.

 

[Colin]

 

[tadoflamb]

 

[tadoflamb]

I am humourless.
Or at least, that's what 21st century doctors tell me.

In that case, you're a perfect fit for CF.

 

[Colin]

 

[Colin]

 

[Colin]

 

[tadoflamb]

 

[JackRT]

A Jewish girl brought her new fiancé home for dinner to meet her parents. After dinner the father brought the young man into his study to get to know him better over a few drinks.

Father: What do you do for a living?

Young man: I am a student at the Yeshiva. I study the Torah.

Father: How will you support yourself and my daughter?

Young man: I will study very hard and God will provide.

Father: When children come how will you support them?

Young man: Then I will study very, very hard and God will provide.

Father: What happens if there is sickness?

Young man: Then I will study very, very, very hard and God will provide.

Later after the young couple left, the mother asked about the conversation. The father said "He has no job, no money and no prospects but I kind of like him. He does deeply love our daughter but there is one thing that troubles me.”

“What's that dear?” she asked.

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

“He thinks that I am God."

 

[Colin]

 

[JackRT]

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and Chicago. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

 

[Colin]

 

[tadoflamb]

 

[Colin]