Parents pressure marriage

[LoricaLady]

Question guys...I'm kind of stuck in a sticky situation between bf's side and my family's side. We have been officially together for nearly 1.5 years and started dating with the intention of marriage. At this point, it's not really about 'if' but rather more so about 'when'. I'm in my mid twenties and he is approaching thirties. Both are full time employed with stable jobs and he did buy a house a while ago (so financially we are not broke). We've been in touch with each other's family over the course of the past year.

My parents: want to know where we are heading in terms of the near future so they can plan their schedule. They want us to get married soon and are concerned because I'm apparently at the peak of my child bearing age. So they kind of want to know that I'm not getting stringed along (which I'm certain I'm not) and want a clearer response from my bf about what he is intending to do with our relationship. They believe there's nothing wrong with prompting him without telling him to get married or anything.

My bf: he is cautious and responsible type - wants to pray about this before moving ahead with the timeline and next season of our relationship, which I appreciate very much. But as to how exactly God will make it clear to him when the right timing is, he hasn't really explained it to me. I consider him a godly man and I know he is serious about this relationship. His mum has been unwell physically for quite some time (in terms of tiredness, headache and dizziness) and I believe he wants to delay the timing of marriage because of this since he does most of the helping out around the house compared to other siblings. My parents find it difficult to accept this as the reason though. He did mention that we should get married soon but it's kind of on/off in terms of him actually seriously talking about it or putting things into action.

Me: I don't want him to propose or do anything due to external pressure (and he's been getting these questions from many people already including his grandparents, family, friends, mentors etc) because it can backfire later when it isn't primarily motivated by his own desires and free will. I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't want to get married in the next few months because if he did, he would do it on his own accord? I've come to terms with waiting and want to give him this opportunity to initiate and lead our relationship - and trust that God will lead him in this area. I'm not in a hurry to have kids either. My parents on the other hand, think I'm too passive and tolerant.

I don't know whether I should put my foot down and set some boundaries with my parents at this stage? - i.e. respectfully telling them not to interfere. Or should I allow them to be involved in this case and gently nudge him?

Yes, I think that as an adult you need to set some boundaries with your parents and kindly and gently tell them to not interfere. It seems to me that if they get away with it now, they will surely try more of the same with any marriage.

As for the boy friend, he needs to tell you where he stands on marriage and not be so vague. Since you are putting in time with him he owes that to you. Transparency here will help with transparency if you marry.

 

[Zatek]

I would question his interest in you, and yours in him, if you've been dating for 1.5 years. There's no reason to be dating longer than 6 months, unless you just have no idea what you're doing, in which case you shouldn't really be dating in the first place.


After dating for 6 months that's who the person is. There's nothing else you need to learn to decide whether or not you want to marry them. They're not going to magically become a more fun or attractive person than they are now. It doesn't mean you know everything about them of course, but it means you know things about them like their view on life, moral beliefs, religious beliefs, life goals, commitment to personal growth, how they treat people, etc, etc.


Marriage is about more than just kids, it's about accomplishing life goals together. Dating for 6 months, a year, 2 years, or more, just sets yourself up for sexual temptation, complacency, etc. If you just date forever you never get around to accomplishing any life goals together because you aren't even sure if you're going to be together.


Think about. After what 1.5 years, how has he not yet decided if you're the right woman for him? What does he think he needs to know about you that he doesn't already? If he doesn't know for sure he wants to marry you after 1.5 years, then he will never know, and you're only hurting yourself by waiting around letting your life tick away waiting for him to decide.


I know it's tough, or at least if you love him it will be tough, but I would suggest you could him one chance and move on. Tell him (if it's true) that you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and that you have known for a while now. Tell him that if he doesn't feel the same then you with him the best of luck with the rest of his life, then give him a hug goodbye.


Honestly though, I wouldn't even ask him, I'd just end it and find a guy who isn't confused on whether or not he wants to be with you. I know it's hard to end a relationship, but whatever the reason, he just doesn't want to marry you and if you try to make him choose he might choose you because he's afraid not to, not because he really wants to be with you, and you could set yourself up for an unhappy marriage and eventually divorce. And if you end up having kids before the divorce you'll be a single mother trying to date and that is a nightmare. Good single guys just won't date women with kids because there's plenty of good single women who don't have kids and didn't screw up their lives by marrying the wrong guy.

I know that if I wanted to marry a woman I'd ask her no later than 6 months. It's a man's job to know want he wants and go for it. I know many couples who got engaged after 2 months, though 2 months can be a too soon for a lot of women, but 18 months is not too soon for anyone. If someone can't decide after 18 months, you really need to end it and move on, it's just not working out unfortunately.

 

[GUANO]

Question guys...I'm kind of stuck in a sticky situation between bf's side and my family's side. We have been officially together for nearly 1.5 years and started dating with the intention of marriage. At this point, it's not really about 'if' but rather more so about 'when'. I'm in my mid twenties and he is approaching thirties. Both are full time employed with stable jobs and he did buy a house a while ago (so financially we are not broke). We've been in touch with each other's family over the course of the past year.

My parents: want to know where we are heading in terms of the near future so they can plan their schedule. They want us to get married soon and are concerned because I'm apparently at the peak of my child bearing age. So they kind of want to know that I'm not getting stringed along (which I'm certain I'm not) and want a clearer response from my bf about what he is intending to do with our relationship. They believe there's nothing wrong with prompting him without telling him to get married or anything.

My bf: he is cautious and responsible type - wants to pray about this before moving ahead with the timeline and next season of our relationship, which I appreciate very much. But as to how exactly God will make it clear to him when the right timing is, he hasn't really explained it to me. I consider him a godly man and I know he is serious about this relationship. His mum has been unwell physically for quite some time (in terms of tiredness, headache and dizziness) and I believe he wants to delay the timing of marriage because of this since he does most of the helping out around the house compared to other siblings. My parents find it difficult to accept this as the reason though. He did mention that we should get married soon but it's kind of on/off in terms of him actually seriously talking about it or putting things into action.

Me: I don't want him to propose or do anything due to external pressure (and he's been getting these questions from many people already including his grandparents, family, friends, mentors etc) because it can backfire later when it isn't primarily motivated by his own desires and free will. I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't want to get married in the next few months because if he did, he would do it on his own accord? I've come to terms with waiting and want to give him this opportunity to initiate and lead our relationship - and trust that God will lead him in this area. I'm not in a hurry to have kids either. My parents on the other hand, think I'm too passive and tolerant.

I don't know whether I should put my foot down and set some boundaries with my parents at this stage? - i.e. respectfully telling them not to interfere. Or should I allow them to be involved in this case and gently nudge him?

$$$$$$$$$ <-------------- the answer.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Frist, don't worry about the child bearing age thing. Its not true. Most say "By 30" but ignore that. Heck Sarah had a child at what we would call "elderly" part of her life. Don't let anyone peer pressure either of you into anything. Your adults, adults who old enough to decide on what you want and when. You need to be totally ready for marriage. Though even then you will still not be ready only because its not something you can understand until married of course.

As for your bf, hes smart to pray about it and make sure the timing is right. Now granted if he wants to wait like 6 years or something, then theres a problem. Shouldn't take that long to get married. Its good to see you are not wanting him to give into peer pressure. I'd nicely tell your parents you love their support but they need to lay back a bit and not pressure the issue. Because if hes marries you out of pressure and hes not really ready. It could ruin the relationship. Or it may make him start to get anxious and angry with your the people who are pressuring him. Which would cause bigger issues later on. I do realize women are much more in a hurry to marry for many reasons. But hold back for now. Or if you want to know ask him nicely what he thinks about getting married soon. Unless you already have asked him. In that case give him time to figure things out.

It sounds like hes waiting for the right term going by some responses you gave to others. Which is a good thing. Marriage is not only like a big decision like buying a car or buying a house, its probably the one and only biggest decision. I also realize the "Hurry up and wait!" advice probably can be annoying as you REALLY want to marry. But more people rush into marriage then those who wait and often it ends very badly.

Do you feel maybe your parents are a bit pressuring to because you live at home? I know some parents like to force the birds out of the nest ASAP. Granted I don't know your parents.

Sex wise its great you two have held back 1.5 years as it is. And trust me its WAY more worth it to continue to wait. Trust me those urges will pay off even more once married. The honeymoon phase of marriage is wonderful.

Its frustrating that your parents would even say you can date anyone and they may not give their blessing to you if you don't marry soon. To be blunt, its none of their business and not their call on what you, as an adult, do and don't do when it comes to your love life. If the point comes where they give up on him because they wanted a date then I'd tell them you do not need their permission or blessing to get married. I mean its a great thing to get of course because it feels good. But sometimes you have to go against your parents feelings.

And it looks likes the inbetween pressure is taking a toll on you. If they pressure you enough you may get angry and bitter at him and ruin good relationships (or he may do it to you). They need to back off the subject with you. You could tell them "If you love me you will stop pressuring both of us because you are going to ruin things!". Or in even easier words, what is more important to you, your BF or your parents need for a wedding date?

I did answer you on the future living space thing. After reading this I'd now say if both parents are pressuring and can be like this then probably best to not move in with either set of parents because then they will be pressuring you about having a baby, what to buy, what to say, what to do...etc. Parents are loving but they also forget their children who are adults have free will to do what they wish. They sometimes forget to turn parent mode off.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I'd never marry someone I dated less than a year personally - you always see another side of people in a relationship a year later, at least from my experience. 1 1/2 years isn't that long, especially since you're only in your twenties. Nothing wrong with being sure and not rushing everything. You have plenty of time to have children.

 

[Dave-W]

I'd never marry someone I dated less than a year personally -

Different situation, but I proposed during the first 5 minutes of our first date. She said YES; and last month we celebrated our 40th anniversary.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Different situation, but I proposed during the first 5 minutes of our first date. She said YES; and last month we celebrated our 40th anniversary.

That's definitely sweet and special. I'm happy for you guys - congrats on the anniversary

 

[Dave-W]

congrats on the anniversary

Thanks!

 

[faroukfarouk]

I do live with them but I pay for myself as it's a cultural thing to stay with parents until marriage. He is a mixed bag... rather than being indecisive, he likes to put things off until later especially when it comes to major purchases or decisions unless there is a clear need to make a decision right there. I wouldn't say he is passive... just likes to take things slow before stepping forward and consider what might be involved. It goes the same for purchasing big things like car, house, digital tech etc so I guess marriage is similar.

But other times he can be very determined, taking initiative with implementing new ideas for job projects / career wise. He can also be quite impulsive other times eg deciding to go on trips last minute etc. He definitely does get things done diligently when he gives himself a checklist.

Family and national cultures can differ considerably. A Biblical framework ought to be able to work in not just one culture.

 

[faroukfarouk]

There must be some cultural influences that make your parents (and perhaps you, too?) think they have a right to interfere, to put pressure on and give ultimatums to your boyfriend. That is not my culture, so I don't understand it. From my own cultural standpoint, for the health of your relationship with your boyfriend, they need to back off. It's simply not their call when you get married. Again, that's my culture. How would it affect your relationship with your parents if you set your foot down and told them to just stop already? Is that what you're really worried about, perhaps?

Also, something to think about, if they are already interfering in your marriage before it's even happened, how much do you think they will interfere after you're married? I honestly don't think they're going to stop, based on their behavior right now, even if you manage to jump this particular hurdle unscathed. Parental interference can destroy marriages. So I think you're main concern is not only protecting your boyfriend from their pressure, but also protecting yourself and your future marriage.

Only you can decide for yourself how long is too long to wait for a proposal.

Yes, culture can be a very influential factor; some issues are right or wrong, but others are more geared to cultural expectations.

 

[Dave-W]

Prayer, and communication. I think it would be good for him to know that this is the effect it's having on you.

Yes. This.