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what are you feeling right now? (24)

Jeshu

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I don't know, but the suicidal thoughts are returning with a vengeance... All the years of being hurt are flooding back into my mind...

The reason they flood back to mind is for you to unload them with Christ and let Him take them from you with His gracious love and defuse their power over you. This is essential when we have fallen in them before.

Just keep repenting of them as they come up and force their crap on you again and ask Jesus to give you love and respect fro life instead.

Much love
 
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Tempura

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I don't know, but the suicidal thoughts are returning with a vengeance... All the years of being hurt are flooding back into my mind...

Let them come, and let them go. They'll always go. God be with you.
 
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LoyalToGod

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The reason they flood back to mind is for you to unload them with Christ and let Him take them from you with His gracious love and defuse their power over you. This is essential when we have fallen in them before.

Just keep repenting of them as they come up and force their crap on you again and ask Jesus to give you love and respect fro life instead.

Much love

Just tell Jesus about them, you mean? Thank you
 
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Hello, all.

Not posting much but am praying for posters who are obviously having a rough time physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Love you and care very much.

Been having ups and downs but most of you are going through far worse things. Peace be unto you.
 
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Jeshu

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feeling devastated! found out i'm the worst offender when it comes to my being so ill all the time. I hate myself and hope i die soon hating myself how do you like that for a paradox?

been sorely tempted to harm myself! i suppose even though i don't really want to ask for prayer i need it big time right now.

Can't believe how bad i've been hating myself so ill as i have been. I need forgiveness big time but have none to give myself, never did - i hate myself more than anyone alive.

gnashing teeth or what? No salvation being like this.
 
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Tempura

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feeling devastated! found out i'm the worst offender when it comes to my being so ill all the time. I hate myself and hope i die soon hating myself how do you like that for a paradox?

been sorely tempted to harm myself! i suppose even though i don't really want to ask for prayer i need it big time right now.

Can't believe how bad i've been hating myself so ill as i have been. I need forgiveness big time but have none to give myself, never did - i hate myself more than anyone alive.

gnashing teeth or what? No salvation being like this.

Hope you're getting all the help you need. Or perhaps you need more than you'd like to admit? In any case, do what you can.

If you can't forgive yourself, at least allow God to do so. That's what ultimately matters, and your heart will follow suit. He doesn't harm you, so don't you harm yourself either.

About hating oneself. It's the weirdest thing. If someone else hated themselves, you'd come up with plenty of good reasons not to do so, and those reasons would probably be true. But when we're hating ourselves, we tend to think that we're special, that no goodness can have anything to with us, and that our self-hate is somehow necessary or important. For me, it can be like a weird form of pride, like I'm acting on behalf of universal justice or something. But in reality I'm just blind.

Said a prayer for you friend. I hope you allow some rest and mercy for yourself.
 
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Jeshu

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Hope you're getting all the help you need. Or perhaps you need more than you'd like to admit? In any case, do what you can.

If you can't forgive yourself, at least allow God to do so. That's what ultimately matters, and your heart will follow suit. He doesn't harm you, so don't you harm yourself either.

About hating oneself. It's the weirdest thing. If someone else hated themselves, you'd come up with plenty of good reasons not to do so, and those reasons would probably be true. But when we're hating ourselves, we tend to think that we're special, that no goodness can have anything to with us, and that our self-hate is somehow necessary or important. For me, it can be like a weird form of pride, like I'm acting on behalf of universal justice or something. But in reality I'm just blind.

Said a prayer for you friend. I hope you allow some rest and mercy for yourself.

Thanks bro you are very right about a lot of things here.

The problem is I have always agreed with my abusers hating me and that is why I have been so ill. all of this is coming out because I'm going through P.T.S.D counseling and my councilor is very good at finding the reason behind the symptoms.

All these years of nausea and sleepless night? Because i hated myself as i was for no other reason whatsoever. All these horrific psychoses? Because i left loveless voice within in place and did not repent hating the poor and needy in me.

Been a real what you call it that is for sure.

Now the job is to learn not to do that any more no matter how ill i get and much I long for a good night sleep - talk about having blame - boy, boy, do i cop it big time here.

literally been gnashing my teeth brother fro Jesus has little time from e as i am now I know that full well, going to have to lay down my miserable life but you never guess it wont die voluntarily even raising it self against God right now.

Waiting for His famous sword to cut me down for hating God's children is always from the wicked and I hate myself like this hotly right now.

For I know Him like this!

Psalm 11:5
The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.


and my heart is like this right now

Revelation 14:10
they, too, will drink the wine of God’s fury, which has been poured full strength into the cup of his wrath. They will be tormented with burning sulphur in the presence of the holy angels and of the Lamb.


Like Solomon says

Proverbs 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
 
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Tempura

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Thanks bro you are very right about a lot of things here.

The problem is I have always agreed with my abusers hating me and that is why I have been so ill.

That happens a lot. It's all twisted. If you don't love yourself, as those who harmed you didn't, then it all seems to make more sense, to be more understandable that way. Even though it's just deception.

Now you'll learn to do it right, slowly but surely. God is with you.
 
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Jeshu

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That happens a lot. It's all twisted. If you don't love yourself, as those who harmed you didn't, then it all seems to make more sense, to be more understandable that way. Even though it's just deception.

Now you'll learn to do it right, slowly but surely. God is with you.

Yes it is amazing isn't God loves me even a loveless person for He gives me the opportunity to lay such a life down and pick up life in His Son instead. The sicker I feel and the more I long for sleep the more this truth is coming home to me. Wonder when the split with crappy loveless spirit will happen? So miserable right now.

Still very thankful God address all of this now before it is tool late and not let me perish in my guilt and shame. To think I have been much worse than my attackers. Shame on me.
 
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Yes it is amazing isn't God loves me even a loveless person for He gives me the opportunity to lay such a life down and pick up life in His Son instead. The sicker I feel and the more I long for sleep the more this truth is coming home to me. Wonder when the split with crappy loveless spirit will happen? So miserable right now.

Still very thankful God address all of this now before it is tool late and not let me perish in my guilt and shame. To think I have been much worse than my attackers. Shame on me.
I have the utmost faith in you, Gerry. You'll get through this.
 
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Rubiks

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I'm taking Chemistry II this summer. Unfortunately I didn't do very well on the first exam, hopefully I'll do better on the next. (I got an A in Chemistry I, so I'm not too worried :oops:) The biggest hurdle for me is getting used to a professor's teaching style and schedule.

May I ask for prayers?
 
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I was thinking about putting off physical therapy since I did so well yesterday, but now I'm not so sure. I woke up in a lot of pain... I guess it was the medicine wearing off.
Just my two cents, Tim, but when it comes your back I'd get all the help I could. That part of your body is involved in practically everything you do.

I will continue to pray for you. My back goes out once or twice a year and it sure isn't fun. A therapist years ago taught me how to bring it back into alignment myself but it takes a full week out of my life to recover. All the best.
 
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Jeshu

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I was thinking about putting off physical therapy since I did so well yesterday, but now I'm not so sure. I woke up in a lot of pain... I guess it was the medicine wearing off.

The problem with back aches and painkillers when depressed is that pain killers make more depressed, or at least they make me depressed and constipated as well. That is why i like the calming meds i use better for they don't make you depressed and still help you deal with the pain.

Talking about meds i'm basically out, and finding it very hard to deal with the stress and emotions welling at the moment, but at the same time i marvel how much Jesus has achieved in my life just the last 12 months when it comes to my reliance on meds. i know that the times I hang out badly for calming now, are the perfect times to go to Jesus and let Him teach me to release my stress spiritually productively and in such a way that it doesn't tie me down or disadvantage me like meds do.

So far His Word over me in Love has been my refuge!

Romans 8:18-21
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

  • No more psychosis
  • no more major depression
  • No more mindless rage
  • satan loosing hold over much of my bad life so the constant increase of bad life growing has finally been halted and the black matter in my soul is not driving the sons of God further apart, and waiting in eager anticipation to see it light up!
  • and growing more and more skill dealing with my overwhelming welling emotions when PTSD trauma comes around.
  • Also a 30 kilos plus loss in weight. i'm not obese anymore after psych meds piled on the weight for years on end.

So why should i doubt that the other symptoms will not go over the next 12 months or at least be greatly reduced in the power they have over me no matter how sick they make me right now, Jesus will do what i have no been able to do. Hallelujah!

(Why didn't i trust Him 40 years ago doing that? Gnashing my teeth big time contemplating that, as well as feeling very thankful I finally learn to understand my Lord during these very confusing emotional upheavals get within as part of the trauma i experienced as a kid.

Amazing grace He called me into His light I certainly never deserved His grace or mercy.

Traveling here right now

Isaiah 15:5
My heart cries out over Moab; her fugitives flee as far as Zoar, as far as Eglath Shelishiyah. They go up the hill to Luhith, weeping as they go; on the road to Horonaim they lament their destruction.
 
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