Monogamy/Non-Monogamy/Divorce

[Cassidy Bennett]

I need some advice.

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, and I have not been faithful to her for a single 12 month period. We have 3 children together between ages 6 and 11. She knows of all the times I have cheated, and chose to remain for any number of reasons. I love this woman, and she loves me, but the problem is that I never been able to gain victory over sins of the flesh. I’ve done all I know to do, gave my life to Jesus (before we got married actually) I‘ve had accountability partners, counseling, confession, prayer, fasting, yielding to the Sprit, and none of it seems to work. I told my wife that she should divorce me, because I’m pretty confident that a person like me cannot be saved by God. The problem is that she has very few options, and that makes me sad because I did this to her. At any rate, I know she is not willing to be in a non-monogamous relationship, and I told her that I would never lie to her again. I want to stay married, and one day I will make a really good husband, and that will be the day I get some self-control, because I have none. I tried to kill self at the Cross of Jesus, but that didn’t help either. Self-denial is not a strong point.

What should I do? I want other partners and she doesn’t. I want my marriage, but God won’t take away this evil desire for other women, and I cannot take it away myself. I know this sounds like I’m blaming God, but I’m not. I take the full blame….But God never once gave me the strength to overcome when I asked him to….Not one time, and that is supposed to be one of the benefits of Salvation, freedom from the power of sin. I’m so messed up.

She can’t afford to move and neither can I. I told her that I would move into the attic if she wanted to leave me. I still advise her to leave, but it seems like she wants to stick around. She can see the effort I put in to try and make myself a good husband. I do all the things a husband should do except for one. The only thing I cannot do is be monogamous.

Jesus Help Me please.

Who do you think tells you to cheat on your wife? God or the Devil? Of course you know the answer.

Who do you think tells you that you can't control It? God or the Devil? Again you know the answer.

The same goes with killing yourself.... Your babies need a father!!

So, you can either tell the devil no...or continue with it. You ALWAYS have a choice.

"Resist the devil and he shall flee from you. " James 4:7
When the impure thoughts about cheating come up, shoot them down with scripture the way Jesus did. If you keep giving in to them then it's not going to get easier. What you are doing (cheating) is actually unnatural...so it's making you miserable.

However, if you really don't want to change please, please, please let your wife go. It's so unfair to her and maybe she can find happiness with another man then.

 

[dayhiker]

Xavier Cane --- I can relate to your experience.

 

[Evan Briggs]

Xavier Cane --- I can relate to your experience.

I can also, suffered from inappropriate content addiction for a while also cheated on my wife...

The Lord delivered me from the oppression amen!

 

[Kaylamorgan]

I need some advice.

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, and I have not been faithful to her for a single 12 month period. We have 3 children together between ages 6 and 11. She knows of all the times I have cheated, and chose to remain for any number of reasons. I love this woman, and she loves me, but the problem is that I never been able to gain victory over sins of the flesh. I’ve done all I know to do, gave my life to Jesus (before we got married actually) I‘ve had accountability partners, counseling, confession, prayer, fasting, yielding to the Sprit, and none of it seems to work. I told my wife that she should divorce me, because I’m pretty confident that a person like me cannot be saved by God. The problem is that she has very few options, and that makes me sad because I did this to her. At any rate, I know she is not willing to be in a non-monogamous relationship, and I told her that I would never lie to her again. I want to stay married, and one day I will make a really good husband, and that will be the day I get some self-control, because I have none. I tried to kill self at the Cross of Jesus, but that didn’t help either. Self-denial is not a strong point.

What should I do? I want other partners and she doesn’t. I want my marriage, but God won’t take away this evil desire for other women, and I cannot take it away myself. I know this sounds like I’m blaming God, but I’m not. I take the full blame….But God never once gave me the strength to overcome when I asked him to….Not one time, and that is supposed to be one of the benefits of Salvation, freedom from the power of sin. I’m so messed up.

She can’t afford to move and neither can I. I told her that I would move into the attic if she wanted to leave me. I still advise her to leave, but it seems like she wants to stick around. She can see the effort I put in to try and make myself a good husband. I do all the things a husband should do except for one. The only thing I cannot do is be monogamous.

Jesus Help Me please.

Hello Xavier, if you can , please watch this video from John bevere(gaining freedom from inappropriate content addiction)in you tube.I know that you can find freedom and really enjoyed a healthy ,pure,mariage with your wife.don't be discouraged,and don't give up because God still have a wonderful plan for your family.be persistent,and choose to follow the Spirit rather then your flesh..I will pray for you that you will choose life in Christ , because there is power and Victory in the Name of Jesus Christ.stay bless a sister from Ireland.who knows what you going through..

 

[JRichard68]

I suppose we have stumbled upon the one exception to the grace of God. You win. And because you've won, you get to continue the double life (single life now, since your wife knows, and is content to stay with you) you're living.
Let me ask - when you are tempted to engage in a relationship that you know will result in you cheating on your wife (and I assume you know, since you've had a few), do you pick up a phone and talk to someone? Do you talk to your wife? Let her know you're being tempted? Share your thoughts with anyone? Or does it follow a typical pattern of tempted ---> act out ---> guilt/shame/remorse-->
mad at God 'cause he won't answer my prayer or 'stop me' from acting out?
In the book of Galatians, Ch. 5, the Apostle Paul shares a laundry list of things that are what he calls "works of the flesh". It's pretty comprehensive, and includes basically all of us. No-one gets a pass. The bad news is that "...they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God" (21:b).
There are more warnings about unrepentant sin in scripture, and (depending on your doctrinal bent), you might find some application there as well.
Bottom line is... what do you want to happen? When you decide, find someone to help you. You aren't able on your own, God isn't going to knock you out with a thunderbolt, and the more you try this without someone else's aid, the more you're going to find yourself in the same situation. And (perhaps) without your wife and daughters in your life at some point, either by your own doing, or their decision.

 

[JRichard68]

dp

 

[Yarddog]

I need some advice.

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, and I have not been faithful to her for a single 12 month period. We have 3 children together between ages 6 and 11. She knows of all the times I have cheated, and chose to remain for any number of reasons. I love this woman, and she loves me, but the problem is that I never been able to gain victory over sins of the flesh. I’ve done all I know to do, gave my life to Jesus (before we got married actually) I‘ve had accountability partners, counseling, confession, prayer, fasting, yielding to the Sprit, and none of it seems to work. I told my wife that she should divorce me, because I’m pretty confident that a person like me cannot be saved by God. The problem is that she has very few options, and that makes me sad because I did this to her. At any rate, I know she is not willing to be in a non-monogamous relationship, and I told her that I would never lie to her again. I want to stay married, and one day I will make a really good husband, and that will be the day I get some self-control, because I have none. I tried to kill self at the Cross of Jesus, but that didn’t help either. Self-denial is not a strong point.

What should I do? I want other partners and she doesn’t. I want my marriage, but God won’t take away this evil desire for other women, and I cannot take it away myself. I know this sounds like I’m blaming God, but I’m not. I take the full blame….But God never once gave me the strength to overcome when I asked him to….Not one time, and that is supposed to be one of the benefits of Salvation, freedom from the power of sin. I’m so messed up.

She can’t afford to move and neither can I. I told her that I would move into the attic if she wanted to leave me. I still advise her to leave, but it seems like she wants to stick around. She can see the effort I put in to try and make myself a good husband. I do all the things a husband should do except for one. The only thing I cannot do is be monogamous.

Jesus Help Me please.

It sounds like you make a lot of empty claims and haven't actually surrendered to God's Holy Spirit but instead had only surrendered to your own lustful desires. Claiming that you love your wife while completely proving that you really love yourself far more is also a hollow claim.

God can, and will change you when you truly surrender to him, but you may have to lose everything, as I did, in order to achieve that.

Praying for you

 

[aiki]

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, and I have not been faithful to her for a single 12 month period. We have 3 children together between ages 6 and 11. She knows of all the times I have cheated, and chose to remain for any number of reasons. I love this woman, and she loves me, but the problem is that I never been able to gain victory over sins of the flesh.

Well, the behaviour you've described happens for only one of three reasons (or a combination of them):

1. You aren't truly saved.

When the holy Spirit of the God of Universe comes to live in a believer at the moment of their conversion, a fundamental change happens. That change is marked, in part, by a new sensitivity to sin and a desire to be holy that provokes the believer to the forsaking of sin. If such a turning from sin is not evident in the life of person claiming to be saved, there is significant ground to think their conversion was not genuine.

2. Ignorance.

Many people get saved but are not discipled into the faith. They are left, instead, to figure out for themselves what it means to properly walk with God. More often than not, this leads to a patchwork understanding of the faith that in turn leads to all sorts of false beliefs, erroneous practices and much frustration and stumbling into sin.

3. Unconfessed sin.

Every sin a believer commit falls like veil between the believer and God. And when that veil is not removed by confession of the sin to God, it hangs there as a barrier to fellowship with Him. If other sins are committed and unconfessed, they add to the effect of obscuring God and pushing the believer farther and farther from fellowship with Him. In such a state, the sin-bound believer is largely cut off from the Spirit's transforming and enabling power.

I’ve done all I know to do, gave my life to Jesus (before we got married actually) I‘ve had accountability partners, counseling, confession, prayer, fasting, yielding to the Sprit, and none of it seems to work. I told my wife that she should divorce me, because I’m pretty confident that a person like me cannot be saved by God.

God will - and can - save all who would be saved. But let me ask you: In the midst of all your accountability partnering, confession, prayer, fasting, and yielding to the Spirit were you careful to obey the First and Great Commandment? (Matt. 22:36-38) It is out of obeying this commandment that all the rest of the Christian life flows. It sounds, from what you've described, that you love yourself a good deal more than you do your Creator, your wife and your children. This, I suspect, is the heart of your problem.

I want to stay married, and one day I will make a really good husband, and that will be the day I get some self-control, because I have none.

If you're a genuine child of God, this is a flat-out lie. You have been given all the self-control you need in the Person of the Spirit living within you. (2 Tim. 1:7; Ga. 5:23) What will you believe? What God has said? Or what your feelings and experience tell you? Who has got the right of it? You? Or God?

I tried to kill self at the Cross of Jesus, but that didn’t help either. Self-denial is not a strong point.

No one can truly kill Self. It is impossible for a man to physically crucify himself and it is equally impossible for a man to spiritually crucify himself. The death of Self, of the "old man," is the already accomplished work of Christ at the cross of Calvary 2000 years ago. You don't have to crucify yourself; it's already been done! Again, who are you going to believe? God? Or what you think is the truth? Do your experiences and your feelings trump what God has said?

I want my marriage, but God won’t take away this evil desire for other women, and I cannot take it away myself.

See above.

But God never once gave me the strength to overcome when I asked him to….Not one time, and that is supposed to be one of the benefits of Salvation, freedom from the power of sin. I’m so messed up.

If you're a genuinely born-again child of God, you DO have the power to become the man has called you to be. But God does not lend you His strength, He is your strength. And you have always had the power to successfully refuse sin within you in the Person of His Spirit. This is what Scripture says and God does not lie, nor is He ever mistaken.

Romans 6:6-7
6 knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.
7 For he who has died has been freed from sin.

Romans 6:11-12
11 Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.

Romans 6:14
14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

Romans 8:12-13
12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors--not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.
13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

 

[Rescued One]

Christians love Christ. If you were born again, your desires would be to please God instead of yourself.

John 14
15 If ye love me, keep my commandments...

21 He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

Proverbs 7
2 Keep my commandments, and live; and my law as the apple of thine eye.
3 Bind them upon thy fingers, write them upon the table of thine heart.

John 3 (I love this chapter!)
18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.
21 But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.

Luke 11
27 And it came to pass, as he spake these things, a certain woman of the company lifted up her voice, and said unto him, Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked.

28 But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.

 

[makeajoyfulnoise100]

I understand. Not even God can help me. I consider Him a liar. He said that Sin shall not have dominion over you (Romans 6:14), but it does. Not because I want it to, but because I have no power to fight sin.


When I Surrender to God, I never get any release or comfort. I only have intense compulsion to sin the sin I told God I wouldn’t. God never helped. And He never will. I am a lost cause. It just sucks my wife has to deal with it.

You're a lost cause because you want to be a lost cause. You don't have to want to be a lost cause because God has given you a way out. No temptation is greater than you can handle. If you truly love your wife you would do good by her and stop cheating. But it seems you love yourself more than you love your wife.

You say prayer doesn't help and that reading the Word of God doesn't help but what about doing more than that? And what do you pray for the power not to cheat? Pray for courage not to cheat. Then change your habits. If media is the problem turn it off or throw the tv/computer out the window. Use blockers on sites that are inappropriate contentographic. Train your thoughts to not see other women as attractive but rather notice your wife's beauty in all her ways. The fact she has not divorced you, even though one could argue Bibicly she'd be allowed to, is something I see very beautiful about her.

In Galatians 5:22-23 do you not want those things for yourself? If so then give them to others especially your wife and kids. This isn't meant to discourage you from faith but to help. Seeking wisdom by coming to these forums is the first step. So, I'd advise you listen to what others have posted and what I'm saying to you now. There is hope for you. You are not a lost cause if you don't want to be.

If there's a lot of guilt welled up within you Ray Stedman's sermons on Romans helped me. Expository Series in Romans (Series #I)

Hope you find peace.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

I have given up trusting that God has the power or even the desire to help me.

I would be living proof that this statement is false.

I was a slave to inappropriate contentography from as early as I can remember until I was 30. throughout that time I also prayed that the LORD would take away the desire, deleted everything off of my computer, put filters on my computer, went to men's meetings dealing with this issue...none of it worked. I simply went back to it much worse than when I left it.

it wasn't until the LORD truly saved me that I was able to walk away from this sin. I was not saved beforehand. yeah, I went church, read the bible, and did all the religious stuff, but the supernatural change of the Spirit did not take place in my life until that day the LORD saved me.

It has been 5 years, I can sit on my computer through the wee hours of the night, alone, with no filters, no one watching over me, without the slightest desire to ever go to a inappropriate content site or even view racy material.

it is most unfortunate that you got married and had children before you dealt with this issue. the damage you have done to your wife and will do to your kids will be devastating. all that said, it is simply not true to say that the LORD has no power or desire to free you of this.

I would suggest that you cry out to the LORD in prayer that he would save you. not so much that he would stop you from committing sexual sin, but that he would save you. victory over this sin will come as a part of a TRUE conversion by the Spirit of God.

in the meantime, if you have any sort of inappropriate contentographic material on any electronic device you have or have any inappropriate contentographic media(CD, magazines, etc.), throw it away now. if there are any numbers or addresses to women and prostitutes that you get in touch with, throw away that information. i'm asking you to do this because you need to take a faith step. I am NOT asking you bare knuckle this(you WILL fail) but rather I am asking you to step out in faith and believe in the power of God to change you. on the day the LORD saved me I got a feeling to erase the more than 1.3GBs of filth I had on my computer. after I did that I prayed the would not allow me to go back. praise be to God!!...I never did.

the problem isn't your sex addiction, that's the symptom. the problem is that you do not and never had true fellowship with the LORD. humble yourself before Him in prayer for true, genuine, saving faith in Christ.

 

[JWazzi]

I am struggling the very same as you. God doesnt help me with desire and i also consider him a liar. I am starting to walk away from him and think he is an uncaring [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] that he would mess with my faith and salvation. What kind of loving god is that? People who don't struggle with it, spew their stupid scriptures and dont give any real answers. They dont understand how difficult this struggle is.

 

[JRichard68]

I am struggling the very same as you. God doesnt help me with desire and i also consider him a liar. I am starting to walk away from him and think he is an uncaring [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] that he would mess with my faith and salvation. What kind of loving god is that? People who don't struggle with it, spew their stupid scriptures and dont give any real answers. They dont understand how difficult this struggle is.

Or, perhaps, people struggle with it, recognize themselves in "their stupid scriptures", and have given real answers that work. And maybe, just maybe, those "works of the flesh" that Paul talked about don't belong to some exclusive "I think god is a liar" club, but they've happened to us all to a considerable extent. And maybe, just maybe, instead of swearing at us and God, you might want to consider starting with your bitterness and work from there toward the some of the bigger issues that don't seem to budge.

 

[makeajoyfulnoise100]

I am struggling the very same as you. God doesnt help me with desire and i also consider him a liar. I am starting to walk away from him and think he is an uncaring [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] that he would mess with my faith and salvation. What kind of loving god is that? People who don't struggle with it, spew their stupid scriptures and dont give any real answers. They dont understand how difficult this struggle is.

You may be surprised. Sometimes those who dealt out Scripture are those who've struggled just as much as you or worse.

 

[Aleksandros]

I empathise with some of your struggles. I, since I was very young (single digits) had sexual issues. You can imagine that is not very fun - later on it was like being a puppet on strings; not only concerning sexuality, but about other issues as well.

I more or less had an issue not with sexuality itself, but with perversity as well. Not easy, not fun - but that's being unsaved for you. My problems have gotten much, much better - almost cured of not only inappropriate content addiction (one relapse in five or so months and back up fighting with no downtime) but other issues as well.

In your case, brother, you seem to have tried really hard so far. It is clear that you have remorse, and bitterness, as you even told your wife to leave you, and are angry at God.

Don't give up yet; it may just be that there is hope.

In the meantime, can I suggest a quick fix? There are herbs (safe ones) that can kill libido. I do not know if this alone will do the trick, but look into them. At least while you're working out this whole thing, it can help.

 

[pdudgeon]

I think you misunderstand. I'm not asking God to help me be non-monogamous, but rather help me to be monogamous. It is not as easy as "just do it because God said so". I need help in the area of my flesh, but God has not and will not help.

that's because this is a problem of your focus, not your will.

You have a wife.
keep your focus on her, on pleasing her, paying attention to her, loving her, doing things for her, learning as much as you can about her. Make it your daily task to please her and care for her.

Do all this and you won't have time to look at other women and think how they would please you.
Do this because you love your wife more than you love yourself.

So yes, changing your focus in life will help your problem immensely. Getting the focus off you and on to her should help things along.

 

[Apex]

I need to be careful here. My advice might be against CF rules. However, I do think it would be very helpful. PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Mark Jr]

Xavier,

You are not alone. Our stories are similar and I have found direction.

I can stand with you. What support are you needing right now?

 

[GirdYourLoins]

I understand. Not even God can help me. I consider Him a liar. He said that Sin shall not have dominion over you (Romans 6:14), but it does. Not because I want it to, but because I have no power to fight sin.


When I Surrender to God, I never get any release or comfort. I only have intense compulsion to sin the sin I told God I wouldn’t. God never helped. And He never will. I am a lost cause. It just sucks my wife has to deal with it.

Of all your comments this one stands out for me. Jesus has done everything necessary to break the dominion of sin in your life. You need to make Him Lord and give Him dominion over your life. As I'm sure you know, at the cross He overcame sin and death. He is victorious over them.

When God said sin will not have dominion over you it does not mean you will never sin. It means that sin is not your Lord, but a greater power, Jesus who defeated sin and death and took away its power, is Lord over your life.

I struggle in this area occasionally as well but have never cheated on my wife. This is the first time I have really confessed that she does not satisfy me that way and is not really interested in sex so I have a constant battle with the flesh, maybe this is the case with you as well that your wife does not satisfy you which is why you need to look elsewhere. I have recently realised its due to soul damage she has from before we were married. I have some damage of my own as well and am working on it with God. ou have soul damage as well. Sex with someone causes soul ties with them which is damaging when they are broken. You need healing for for soul and mind to overcome this.

But sin does not have dominion in my life. If I do sin I repent of it, ask God to help me not to and move on with life.We live in a body of death, Romans 7:24. You need to make Jesus Lord of your life rather than sin. I long for the day I will be free of this body of death and be free to worship God in spirit and in truth. But this life is a fleeting glimpse compared to the eternity we have with God.

It is also important to forgive yourself as well. Without forgiveness you are holding on to your sin. we know Jesus has done everything necessary for god to forgive you. Your wife has forgiven you and stayed. Now you need to forgive yourself. Also forgive whoever you have done this with. They are part of it so complete forgiveness needs to include them whether they want you to or not. Forgiveness always begins with the choice to forgive and is worked out from there.

Then the other thing to do is a practical issue. Just to remove yourself from the situations that lead to this happening. If its at a bar, dont go to those bars, if its at the gym change gym, if its at work look for a new job, etc.

So when you sin or are tempted to sin pray about it. Be honest with God. Give it all to Him. Tell Him you choose Him as Lord (I find saying that it is my choice to make Him Lord very powerful and a great help), repent and ask Him to help you, tell Him you dont want to do it but struggle, give Him your permission to do whatever is necessary to help you with this, tell Him you choose to forgive yourself and the other people involved. I'm not at the point where I am free from temptation but find this approach has broken the power of sin in my life.

As I heard recently, I am not a sinner who struggles to find God, I am a Christian that struggles with sin. When Jesus washed the disciples feet He was showing that we pick up dirt (sin) in our lives, but we have been made clean so dont need the whole body washing.

This all begins with your choices. Admit when you are not strong enough to stick to your choices, but do not give up on them.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

While I was writing my post a program came on Got TV about this very thing. Heres a link to the free download on it. Its about breaking sin in your life and becoming holy. The half an hour programme could have been in response to this thread. I figured god is trying to tell me/you/us something.

http://free.god.tv/wordonfire/