Hey brethren. I wanted your Godly opinion on this. It's a situation where you "know the answer", but you still want to hear wisdom from others. As you may know, my wife has mentioned separation, and I've been fighting for my marriage for the past 8 months. She has exposed her heart to another man from her job, and I'm sure may be debating whether she will choose us or a new life altogether.
Since she's an introvert, all she's asked of me is to give her space, and to not talk about our marriage. As an extrovert, it's difficult, because this is the biggest trial God has ever had me face. It's been hard not to be an emotional rollercoaster, but I've committed two weeks ago to not mentioning our marriage. In the meantime, I pray, read the Word, serve her where I can (shopping, cooking, etc), and go to the gym 5 days a week. My question is what are your suggestions for me as I wait for her to make her decision? I intend to stand firm in my unconditional love and commitment to her, but just need advice w/ what to do in the mean time. Thanks in advance.
I'll just start by mentioning that I am not christian...if that colors your opinion of what I say next, so be it.
I'm not one to malign a man's wife to her husband...but what in the world is she doing during these 8 months? This would be my primary concern, because she appears to be waiting for something...what that is, I have no idea. I can make a couple guesses though...
1. What is this man's status? Is he single? Married? Because she could quite possibly be waiting for a commitment from him. After all, she won't want to leave you for him...and find out he just wants sex and not a relationship. Worse, if he's married, perhaps she's waiting to see if he's going to leave his wife for her. The funny thing is, if he actually has no intention of committing to her...she'll end up waiting quite a long time. Why? Because you aren't going anywhere...and the "possibility" of being with him will remain...
2. She's waiting on some kind of change from you. I don't think this is too likely, as it seems you've already changed and filled her only two requests...space and silence. I'm inclined to think that she requested this not so much because she's an introvert (how introverted is she? She's opened her heart to her coworker) but because she doesn't want her feelings for you to interfere with her feelings for him....making it harder to wait on a commitment from him.
3. She's waiting for you to leave. Why? Because she's wrong, she's wrecking your marriage, and she knows she's to blame. If you're the one who leaves however, she can always lie to herself and claim that it was you who ended it. In other words, she's awful at confrontation and hurting you (she probably does care for you some) and she doesn't want to feel guilty about wrecking your marriage and life. If you leave...she gets out of it guilt free.
I'm sure none of this is anything you want to hear...but that's the way this looks to me. I hope I'm wrong...but if she's willing to put you through this for 8 months, it doesn't seem like she has a lot of concern for you or your relationship.
If it were me...I would've forced the decision by now. I'd make her choose between me and the marriage, or the guy she thinks she wants to be with. If she refuses to choose...then I'd tell her she has a week, and I'm going to give her some real space and silence. I'd move out (even if into a hotel) and refuse any contact from her that wasn't a decision. Of course, this action has no teeth if you won't follow through on leaving if after a week she still won't choose.
Obviously, this being a christian forum I cannot tell you to divorce...and I'm not. What you need to ask yourself is this...how long are you willing to settle for this situation as a marriage? 8 months??? That's a long time and I really feel bad for you. I do think that after a long enough time, this will affect you mentally if it hasn't already.
I'm curious what this other guy is getting out of the relationship if it's only been emotional after 8 months. Is she giving him the affection she denies to you? Is it really just emotional? Or has she strung him along with the idea that eventually you'll call it quits? I don't know...