Forgiving my husband's past..

[Charleigh Noble]

We have been married for five years. He just recently came to me and told me that he cheated on me when we were dating. The person he cheated with is someone we have seen at multiple events and even gone to dinner with since being married. He would rake me over the coals if I even talked to other guys while we dated, something that eventually made me lose any male friends going in to marriage. The time in which he cheated was one of the hardest times of my life and he was the only person who was "there" for me. And now I realize that I actually had no one, at all (besides God, but at the time I was not at a place to recognize this). I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed, knowing that he's kept that from me for over six years now. And knowing that if he had told me back then, we would not be together today. It would have changed the course of my life... Not saying that I don't love my life now or anything, we have a beautiful little family. But, our marriage has not thrived since the first few months. And now, I feel more alone in our marriage than ever. He has asked for forgiveness and obviously feels awful about all of it. But I don't know how to move past it. I was a virgin, he was even my first kiss. And he'd been with many many girls. I think that is part of what makes this so difficult. I am having a hard time letting this go and truly forgiving him. Any suggestions for things that could help?

 

[381465]

I'm so sorry to read this.
I wish I could give you informed advice, but I don't feel capable.
I struggle with forgiveness.
Does your husband express much remorse? Was there a particular event or conviction bringing this up? Has he begged for forgiveness?

Hoping and praying for a positive outcome and peace in your home.

 

[Charleigh Noble]

He has expressed remorse... but he also tried to belittle it at first, which does not line up with true remorse. He doesn't ask for forgiveness often, I've tried to explain the difference between "I'm sorry" and "will you forgive me" but I don't think he really gets it. He has asked after I told him that I needed to hear him ask.

 

[Charleigh Noble]

I'm so sorry to read this.
I wish I could give you informed advice, but I don't feel capable.
I struggle with forgiveness.
Does your husband express much remorse? Was there a particular event or conviction bringing this up? Has he begged for forgiveness?

Hoping and praying for a positive outcome and peace in your home.

Thank you for responding! I just realized I replied to the entire thread instead of to your post, my bad!

 

[381465]

I know you're supposed to forgive him...but he's should feel convicted and ask for forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be given, but for me to move forward and move past it I would need to know more of the information.
Why?
How did you feel OK with it?
How wrong do you feel about it now?
How would you feel if it had been you?
What do you expect now?

I hope it doesn't make things worse, but I would be troubled that it was OK then and took so long to come to the surface. I don't think I could have been unfaithful or deceived for so long.

My wife would have to come completely clean to me and it might do more harm...I'm a jerk I guess.

I was taught/trained that you don't know what you don't know.

 

[Charleigh Noble]

I know you're supposed to forgive him...but he's should feel convicted and ask for forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be given, but for me to move forward and move past it I would need to know more of the information.
Why?
How did you feel OK with it?
How wrong do you feel about it now?
How would you feel if it had been you?
What do you expect now?

I hope it doesn't make things worse, but I would be troubled that it was OK then and took so long to come to the surface. I don't think I could have been unfaithful or deceived for so long.

My wife would have to come completely clean to me and it might do more harm...I'm a jerk I guess.

I was taught/trained that you don't know what you don't know.

These are definitely questions I have asked him, and he has given me some information, but nothing that really helps... It hasn't made things worse because I definitely felt like I NEEDed to know. But, now I feel like we're at an impasse. The fact that he kept it from me for so long, especially after seeing this woman multiple times, having no idea, is what hurts the most I think. I have never kept anything from him. :/
It also means that he wasn't really who I thought he was back then. All of it hurts I guess, haha. I just want to let it go and move forward, but right now that seems next to impossible because it's in the front of my mind.

 

[lambkisses]

Best thing to do is try to ignore it and ask your self
1)were you happy before you found out?
2)do you prefer to not be with that person?
If you answered yes to one and no to 2 than just forgive him and move on especially since it didn't really interrupted your life (I am inferring because you didn't find out until he told you).
Let me tell you this, I am extremely happy in my marriage but I am under no illusion as to the unhealthy nature of how my husband and I got together. When I first started dating him I was one of two other women and he was engaged to someone else solely because she would be a decent mate in a "power couple". However she was not exactly what my husband wanted sexually. I and another woman was however. I convinced him that I could make a good "power couple " mate too because of my family connections and career (at the time I was a research chemist for DOW) also I am pretty cute despite being a little chubby. That's why he dropped his fiancee in favor of me. I know for a fact that he continued to see that other woman up until we got married and I suspect he was seeing her even after we married up until she passed away due to a medical thing.
When I ask my self those two questions my answers never change so I just chose not to focus on those issues.

 

[381465]

Is there a possibility you 2 could meet with and confide in a pastor for help?

Maybe even get the opportunity to be alone for a day or two to hash it out?

It's not fair for you to suffer without fully dealing with it.

 

[Charleigh Noble]

Best thing to do is try to ignore it and ask your self
1)were you happy before you found out?
2)do you prefer to not be with that person?
If you answered yes to one and no to 2 than just forgive him and move on especially since it didn't really interrupted your life (I am inferring because you didn't find out until he told you).
Let me tell you this, I am extremely happy in my marriage but I am under no illusion as to the unhealthy nature of how my husband and I got together. When I first started dating him I was one of two other women and he was engaged to someone else solely because she would be a decent mate in a "power couple". However she was not exactly what my husband wanted sexually. I and another woman was however. I convinced him that I could make a good "power couple " mate too because of my family connections and career (at the time I was a research chemist for DOW) also I am pretty cute despite being a little chubby. That's why he dropped his fiancee in favor of me. I know for a fact that he continued to see that other woman up until we got married and I suspect he was seeing her even after we married up until she passed away due to a medical thing.
When I ask my self those two questions my answers never change so I just chose not to focus on those issues.

Sorry, but ignoring it definitely will not help. We had a rough beginning, but I was totally unaware that there was anyone else. He pursued me relentlessly and falling in love with him was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. There was no one else in my mind and he led me to believe it was the same for him. The problem is that I can't just "forgive him and move on", as hard as I am trying to. It's not as simple as that. I love him. But I have no idea where we're at as a couple or where he's at as a person.

 

[Charleigh Noble]

Is there a possibility you 2 could meet with and confide in a pastor for help?

Maybe even get the opportunity to be alone for a day or two to hash it out?

It's not fair for you to suffer without fully dealing with it.

I don't know if he would be comfortable meeting with our pastor, but he has seemed open to getting pastoral counseling from somewhere else.

I wish more than anything that we could have that opportunity, but we have two young kids and he works and is in school. But surely he can find some time, because that would definitely help.

 

[A_Thinker]

Your husband sounds like he is ready and willing to work with you to sort things out.

Pursue counseling from someone other than your pastor ...

 

[akmom]

Would it help for you to express those disappointments? To say, "Hey, you know, I wouldn't have married you if I had known this. And I'm finding it hard to forgive you for tricking me into it by pretending you were better than you are. I wouldn't have thought you worth marrying if I knew you were a cheater, but now we have a family so I am stuck. I still love you, but it's hard to realize I got a second-rate version of what I thought I was getting. I made a lot of sacrifices for you, like losing friends you were uncomfortable with me having, and now I'm seeing it wasn't worth it. I feel like I paid for a Lambourgini and just realized I got a Jeep. It's going to take some time for me to cope with getting ripped off so badly." Tell him if you think marriage counseling will help you learn to be content with driving a Jeep the rest of your life.

 

[lambkisses]

Would it help for you to express those disappointments? To say, "Hey, you know, I wouldn't have married you if I had known this. And I'm finding it hard to forgive you for tricking me into it by pretending you were better than you are. I wouldn't have thought you worth marrying if I knew you were a cheater, but now we have a family so I am stuck. I still love you, but it's hard to realize I got a second-rate version of what I thought I was getting. I made a lot of sacrifices for you, like losing friends you were uncomfortable with me having, and now I'm seeing it wasn't worth it. I feel like I paid for a Lambourgini and just realized I got a Jeep. It's going to take some time for me to cope with getting ripped off so badly." Tell him if you think marriage counseling will help you learn to be content with driving a Jeep the rest of your life.

I personally think this is needlessly harsh. Either forgive him or don't. But saying something like that sounds extremely begrudging, and would only lead to more resentment down the line.

 

[live4Christ2016]

Sorry, but ignoring it definitely will not help. We had a rough beginning, but I was totally unaware that there was anyone else. He pursued me relentlessly and falling in love with him was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. There was no one else in my mind and he led me to believe it was the same for him. The problem is that I can't just "forgive him and move on", as hard as I am trying to. It's not as simple as that. I love him. But I have no idea where we're at as a couple or where he's at as a person.

I would find it extremely difficult as well to ignore, forgive, and move on. The problem I see is if he was doing things while you were dating....what has he done during your marriage? The fact that he kept this from you for six years is hard to swallow. The only thing I would suggest is Christian Counselling and don't stop until you feel better about things.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well remember Jesus forgives us for everything we do, so forgiving sa spouse is important. Did he have sex with her? More then once? I sat this because once can maybe be called a mistake. But twice is a choice. Whatever the case cheating, more so having sex with someone else, when married can be forgiven but its not easy to recover from. He needs to know trust may take a long time to heal. Even more so if he cheated more then once. The more the pain, the longer the healing.

As for saying you would have never stayed with him if he had told you early in the marriage, does this mean you would have divorced him? I mean while opinions vary on here about the subject, I don't see that as the "go to" option when something occurs. Its the easy way out. Often marriages may be fixable. Though it does depend on various things of course. Like both parties willing to get counseling and what not.

With all that said the fact he belittled what he did at first does show maybe hes not truly sorry and only saying it now because he feels guilty. Hes trying to clear his conscious but for the wrong reasons. He should be meaningful with his remorse. It should come from the heart because he wants to fix your marriage instead. Did he cry about it? Show any real emotion?

I do think its really terrible the woman he did this with is someone you seen all the time. I mean at least if he told you right away after it happened you could cut her out of your lives and fix the marriage easier. But knowing shes been in front of you this whole time and may still be is horrible. I wonder what goes through his head when he sees her. Does he think of the "fun time" they had together and smile. Or does he remember and feel sad at what he did. Its something I would want to know. I mean why would he be ok with seeing her at events unless maybe he had some sort of feelings for her or maybe it was a reminder of his past he didn't want to part with.

In the end you both need to go to counseling together and work this out. Because if you don't it may just build up bitter feelings towards him and he may start to do the same and we all know how that ends. And if you have kids that ending is the worst thing possible for them. Hopefully in due time the marriage can be fixed and you can slowly regain trust. Until then its going to be painful for awhile.