I'm planning on taking a general transcription course and I really need this to work out. My mom keeps telling me that she needs my help financially so I'm feeling the pressure. I'm hoping I can stay motivated and this will something I'm actually good at. It is a home job but there a good number of legit companies around. I was hoping this would be a nice starter job until my anxiety gets under control. I do want a regular job. I'd even work at Mcdonald or Wendy but I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know. I feel inadequate and stupid. I don't even like talking to strangers on the phone. I don't have any friends. One of my cousins calls me every once in a while but I've really isolated myself from people (my cousins who I'm close in age with). I never call anyone. I just sit around the house all day. The last time I left the house was for a doctor's appointment early last month.
I don't know what I'm going to if this doesn't work out. I'm really trying. Even if it doesn't look like it to other people (my mom especially). I miss days but I try to listen to sermons (I do zone out at times), meditate on scripture, and pray. I've kind of abandoned daily bible reading and for some reason, I struggle to be consistent with even small daily devotionals. I don't know what else to do. I need God's help. I can't fix myself. Somedays I feel like don't know which way is up. It's been hard. I feel like the biggest disappointment.
I was talking to my mom earlier and she mentioned how I'm not cleaning the house like I'm supposed and how she has to tell me to do everything. I thought I was doing good with cooking dinner regularly but I guess I've failed there too. It's true. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings. My focus isn't there and I don't have any energy. I barely comb my hair most days. It's also getting really hard to get out of bed in the morning. I wake up at 9:00 most mornings but I've been lying in bed until 11:00 am even though I wide awake.
She's talked to some of her co-workers about my anxiety and depression issues. I wish she wouldn't do that because I already feel like a colossal loser. Some of them even said, "If that was my child I would kick them out." This made me feel so bad about myself. She dismissed them and said that they don't understand mental illness like she does. If I'm being honest sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand mental illness either (and she's dealt with mental illness too). Comparing me to relatives who have issues who are doing more than I am I think about that and it makes me feel like something's wrong with me. A few weeks ago she got frustrated with me. She asked me about goals and stuff. I clam up during these conversations because honestly I just don't know. I keep praying to God for wisdom because I really don't know what to do or what steps to take or how to take them. She asks about what I want for my future and I clam up with this too because I don't see anything when I try to imagine the future. I can't think about a husband and kids or anything like that there's no room in my head. All I want right now is to not be scared and to be able to work a simple job. Anyway, I ended up crying after this conversation and she got mad and said that I'm making her mean and asked me if I was taking advantage of her.
It hurts so much that nobody seems to understand my heart. I want to be different so much. I'm frustrated with myself. I supposed to be an adult but I'm just failing at every corner. I even told God that he should have made somebody else instead of me. My mom said she was disappointed and I thought 'well that makes two of us'. She also mentioned that she had talked to a counselor about me while ago that suggested that she should give me a three month period to find a job and move out. My mom didn't say she was doing that but I can't stop thinking about it and what some of her co-workers said. I guess people throw you away when you're weak. (Is tough love really love?) Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if that I happened. I feel like I would fall apart like a two-dollar suitcase. I'm barely functioning now. Sometimes the world feels like's too much. I'm too sensitive. Sometimes I just want to curl into a ball, I just want this all to be over.
I don't know what I'm going to if this doesn't work out. I'm really trying. Even if it doesn't look like it to other people (my mom especially). I miss days but I try to listen to sermons (I do zone out at times), meditate on scripture, and pray. I've kind of abandoned daily bible reading and for some reason, I struggle to be consistent with even small daily devotionals. I don't know what else to do. I need God's help. I can't fix myself. Somedays I feel like don't know which way is up. It's been hard. I feel like the biggest disappointment.
I was talking to my mom earlier and she mentioned how I'm not cleaning the house like I'm supposed and how she has to tell me to do everything. I thought I was doing good with cooking dinner regularly but I guess I've failed there too. It's true. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings. My focus isn't there and I don't have any energy. I barely comb my hair most days. It's also getting really hard to get out of bed in the morning. I wake up at 9:00 most mornings but I've been lying in bed until 11:00 am even though I wide awake.
She's talked to some of her co-workers about my anxiety and depression issues. I wish she wouldn't do that because I already feel like a colossal loser. Some of them even said, "If that was my child I would kick them out." This made me feel so bad about myself. She dismissed them and said that they don't understand mental illness like she does. If I'm being honest sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand mental illness either (and she's dealt with mental illness too). Comparing me to relatives who have issues who are doing more than I am I think about that and it makes me feel like something's wrong with me. A few weeks ago she got frustrated with me. She asked me about goals and stuff. I clam up during these conversations because honestly I just don't know. I keep praying to God for wisdom because I really don't know what to do or what steps to take or how to take them. She asks about what I want for my future and I clam up with this too because I don't see anything when I try to imagine the future. I can't think about a husband and kids or anything like that there's no room in my head. All I want right now is to not be scared and to be able to work a simple job. Anyway, I ended up crying after this conversation and she got mad and said that I'm making her mean and asked me if I was taking advantage of her.
It hurts so much that nobody seems to understand my heart. I want to be different so much. I'm frustrated with myself. I supposed to be an adult but I'm just failing at every corner. I even told God that he should have made somebody else instead of me. My mom said she was disappointed and I thought 'well that makes two of us'. She also mentioned that she had talked to a counselor about me while ago that suggested that she should give me a three month period to find a job and move out. My mom didn't say she was doing that but I can't stop thinking about it and what some of her co-workers said. I guess people throw you away when you're weak. (Is tough love really love?) Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if that I happened. I feel like I would fall apart like a two-dollar suitcase. I'm barely functioning now. Sometimes the world feels like's too much. I'm too sensitive. Sometimes I just want to curl into a ball, I just want this all to be over.