Wife Had Affair. Stay or Go?

[escaudill]

It's been a year now since I confronted my wife about her affair and her initial response was that she didn't want to be married. She said the marriage felt more like a friendship than a marriage and I told her that's no reason to get divorced that's something we can work on, especially considering we have two children together ages two and four. She maintained her affair, went a cruise with the man promising the whole time she wasn't sleeping with him, though I knew in my gut she was. Three months after the cruise I find out she was pregnant with his child.
I had been praying for restoration or direction but at this point I was ready for divorce. After considering how I could not divorce legally I began to think about this child's life and how it would have no chance without me in it's life due to the mother not being able to support herself and the lover being addicted to drugs, unemployed, and initially tried to get her to have a divorce. So I tell my wife the same thing I told her months ago that we can still try to salvage the marriage but she has to end her affair, and I would raise this child as my own. She still claims she does not want a relationship with this man yet she still talks to him everyday, and says that she does care for him. I told her when the baby was born I would establish paternity (though it's about 95% certain it's not mine) and file for divorce if she did not make efforts to reconcile and end her affair. I want more than anything to keep my family together but I know I cannot make someone change. She claims she wants our family back together but she still won't end her affair and I believe she wants me back in her life because I have a history of cleaning things up and she knows life would be easier.
I thank God so much for the abundance of peace he has provided me in the past year and I feel closer to God than ever but I am conflicted. I know God hates divorce and I believe God allows divorce but never requires it. That being said, I feel more apprehensive about staying and waiting for her to get her head straight, and more peace about a decision to divorce her because God has greater things planned for my life. Is it even conceivable that God is leading me to divorce or am I following my thoughts?

 

[ReesePiece23]

I wouldn't usually post here, and I ask that I can have a pass for this one. Because I need to say this and the OP needs to hear it.

Okay escaudill, this is MADNESS.

I pray to God (not blasphemy) that you cut ties with this woman immediately. Like, yesterday. And I urge you to be single for the next few years. You have some serious and I mean SERIOUS spiritual and emotional rebuilding to do if you think that there's anything to salvage here. It's more dead than the dodo.

The best relationship that you can have is with yourself - so PLEASE, work at salvaging that one, not the one with your wife.

 

[Tetra]

Woah man... I'm so sorry, I will not tell you what to do... BUT I will encourage you to seriously think about the kid thing. Get a lawyer and look into the laws, because you don't want to end up having to be on the hook financially for child that ain't yours.

I mean, what if in the future something happens where you end up in a divorce anyways, but then you had to pay child support for a child that's not yours till the kid is 18. I couldn't imagine.

Do what you feel is right but seriously look into the laws where you live, seriously think things through.

 

[EastCoastRemnant]

Tough deal.... me, I wouldn't encourage her behaviour by staying. Seems to me she is just using your goodheartedness against you and will continue as long as you let her. Biblically, you do have the right for divorce.

 

[RDKirk]

OP, I did not see that you said anything about her relationship with Jesus.

What is that?

 

[AvgJoe]

It's been a year now since I confronted my wife about her affair and her initial response was that she didn't want to be married. She said the marriage felt more like a friendship than a marriage and I told her that's no reason to get divorced that's something we can work on, especially considering we have two children together ages two and four. She maintained her affair, went a cruise with the man promising the whole time she wasn't sleeping with him, though I knew in my gut she was. Three months after the cruise I find out she was pregnant with his child.
I had been praying for restoration or direction but at this point I was ready for divorce. After considering how I could not divorce legally I began to think about this child's life and how it would have no chance without me in it's life due to the mother not being able to support herself and the lover being addicted to drugs, unemployed, and initially tried to get her to have a divorce. So I tell my wife the same thing I told her months ago that we can still try to salvage the marriage but she has to end her affair, and I would raise this child as my own. She still claims she does not want a relationship with this man yet she still talks to him everyday, and says that she does care for him. I told her when the baby was born I would establish paternity (though it's about 95% certain it's not mine) and file for divorce if she did not make efforts to reconcile and end her affair. I want more than anything to keep my family together but I know I cannot make someone change. She claims she wants our family back together but she still won't end her affair and I believe she wants me back in her life because I have a history of cleaning things up and she knows life would be easier.
I thank God so much for the abundance of peace he has provided me in the past year and I feel closer to God than ever but I am conflicted. I know God hates divorce and I believe God allows divorce but never requires it. That being said, I feel more apprehensive about staying and waiting for her to get her head straight, and more peace about a decision to divorce her because God has greater things planned for my life. Is it even conceivable that God is leading me to divorce or am I following my thoughts?

I commend you for how you've handled this, so far. I can't say that I would have been able to continue on, for as long as you have. I certainly can't tell you what is the right thing to do, but what your wife has done is the one exception that Jesus gives for divorce & remarriage (Matthew 19:9).

 

[nChrist]

Your wife's decision to remain in an adulterous affair should tell you something. I can't think of any reason why you should continue in misery.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[escaudill]

How long have you been married? Where do
your wife and kids live? How did this poor no job
guy afford a cruise? How long till the baby is to be
born?

Baby will be born next month, we have been together 10 years married for almost 3, and I can't prove it but I believe she used income tax refund to pay for it. she says she was offered a free cruise but there's a ton of money not accounted for.

 

[escaudill]

OP, I did not see that you said anything about her relationship with Jesus.

What is that?

She believes in God but has very little knowledge about Christianity sadly. I have tried for years to get her interested but to no avail. And yes I am feeling the full brunt of being unequally yoked. God tried to tell me I suppose

 

[escaudill]

I wouldn't usually post here, and I ask that I can have a pass for this one. Because I need to say this and the OP needs to hear it.

Okay escaudill, this is MADNESS.

I pray to God (not blasphemy) that you cut ties with this woman immediately. Like, yesterday. And I urge you to be single for the next few years. You have some serious and I mean SERIOUS spiritual and emotional rebuilding to do if you think that there's anything to salvage here. It's more dead than the dodo.

The best relationship that you can have is with yourself - so PLEASE, work at salvaging that one, not the one with your wife.

I appreciate your candor and I am aware of how absurd I sound, and I honestly I also cannot stand the thought of losing time with my kids, they are my world and in a best case scenario I miss nearly half of their lives. And I know God allows this exception for divorce but never requires it, and I really do appreciate your feedback. I feel like a chump for how hard I have tried but when you watch everything you wanted fall away it's hard to let go. I guess I have to trust God, I know there will be good come out of this, it's just a matter of time

 

[ReesePiece23]

I appreciate your candor and I am aware of how absurd I sound, and I honestly I also cannot stand the thought of losing time with my kids, they are my world and in a best case scenario I miss nearly half of their lives. And I know God allows this exception for divorce but never requires it, and I really do appreciate your feedback. I feel like a chump for how hard I have tried but when you watch everything you wanted fall away it's hard to let go. I guess I have to trust God, I know there will be good come out of this, it's just a matter of time

My mother taught me many years ago now - when she was divorcing my father (I was only eight) that children are NEVER a reason to stay in a relationship - because ultimately, they are the ones who will suffer in the end, and not you. The anger and bitterness will have a MAJOR effect on them, and not in a good way.

You need to see this as a lifelong project. Yes, in the short term, your children will be hurt and confused. But in the long run, they'll respect you for respecting YOURSELF enough to leave this woman - which is the absolute best thing that you could do to help develop self-respect within them. (I'm assuming you want them to respect themselves?)

Also, by breaking away today you can start working on yourself so that you can be the man you need to be tomorrow. Just think, what good could you possibly be doing by sticking around? Do you think that the hurt will just go away? No, it won't. It'll bottle up and fester, get worse and come to fruition in a BIG way - because in time, you WILL end up unwell and/or completely stuck in life. And how is that fair on your children? Let alone you.

They'll always love both of you. They won't condone what their mother did at all, and you need to make sure that you're not forcing them to take sides. Because it's vitally important now that the children categorically know that both parents love them no matter what.

So, if that's the case then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Nearly twenty years has passed since my parents divorce and I haven't dropped contact with either of them in that time. It was the best thing that could ever have happened, and each of my parents agree.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[ReesePiece23]

I'm not for an immediate leave her. The baby is due soon and
you don't want your very young children being watched by a
guy on drugs. Has he been married or have any kids? Glad that
God has been giving you strength to get through this.

The matter is between her and God. All of her choices have led her here, so it's now 100% on her. If she destroys her own life then that's her problem, she shouldn't be dragging escaudill down with her - he's already spent enough self-respect and dignity on her.

Sometimes the most Christian thing you can do, is put yourself first, walk away, and leave things in God's capable hands. In fact, in this situation, it's ALL he can do.

The injustice here is too expensive to justify the price of further suffering for escaudill.

That's just where I'm at with this. If it was his baby, then maybe I'd answer differently. But sticking around for that other guy's kid is just being laughed at and spat on.

 

[blackribbon]

Why aren't you planning on taking the kids? They need a stable Christian parent and financial security. They will get neither with their mother. The right thing is to parent your children.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[blackribbon]

If he did drugs, how do you know she didn't do drugs? Baby can be tested in the hospital after birth if you report this might be a issue. If it is, then the state will take the baby and you don't have to worry about it. You can be tested for paternity immediately. If she tests positive, you should get custody of your two older ones. I am assuming that you would test clean.

 

[dayhiker]

escaudill ... Hi Welcome to CF.
Sounds to me like your being very loving and Christlike in this situation.
I like how your thinking about the children. I like how you are being responsible. I think you have a good plan. I do think it would be good to add a couple of things to the plan. One would be to see a lawyer to learn what local laws apply to your situation. What will happen if you learn as you suspect that the child is of her drug boyfriend?
Second I think you need to think about not protecting the consequences of her actions. She should reap something of what she is sowing. I think if you plan that carefully it could be redemptive for her.
Third, You haven't explained the finances other than a tax refund. What his a tax refund from her job? If you are the sole income, you might want to consider limiting her access to the money so she can't support this guy. Which I assume she is doing in some way beyond the cost of the cruise.
I hope you continue to share with us how this comes out. I for one want to know how your life turns out.

 

[akmom]

That's a hard one. You are loving and forgiving and mature, and your plan for accepting the baby and reconciling the marriage would be best... if your wife were on board. I honestly don't see how it can work if she won't commit to being faithful. She is using you, and using your loving offer to live selfishly instead of mending the situation. You want your family; she wants her sponsored lifestyle.

I'd worry about the custody situation too. Is she a good mother? If she is an absentee mother, it would be fairly easy to cut her off. Maybe consult with an attorney to make sure you keep the kids, and then let her deal with her situation on her own. Maybe the responsibilities will change her mind, and there can be future reconciliation, but on your terms and after she has experienced a little reality. It would be nice to patch things up before the baby, but it doesn't sound like she is going to do that. I suspect the other man will lose appeal really quickly if she loses her support network. Right now, the pressure is just not greater than the temptation. Good luck to you.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Get a consultation with a lawyer. They can advise you on what things will look like should you divorce and what you need to establish in order to get primary custody, visitation guidelines, etc. Once you know more, you'll have an easier time deciding what to do and, more importantly, how to go about things in a way that protects the kids. It would be awful to find out you decided to leave but because you weren't prepared, your kids are now spending time with this guy who abuses drugs. While courts aren't exactly father-friendly yet, most do tend to try to make sure everybody is equally involved in the children's lives. There needs to be a fair amount of convincing to exclude a father, but there needs be even more convincing evidence to exclude or limit a mother's contact with the kids. Even if she said she wanted you to have them, it may not be enough.

Establishing paternity for a child that's not yours... That's not something I'd pin my hat on. Unless the father is willing to give up his rights, you most likely won't be able to assume them. Having a friend who went through a similar debacle 15 years ago, I can tell you simply saying "I want it" isn't enough, especially if she's married to somebody else.