- Mar 11, 2016
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That is my issue... Like, I.. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back here because I don't feel like a Christian.... I dont read or pray... But despite what has happened-- I still believe in God ( somehow... I cant get rid of it)
I just want back what I lost, just to simply believe God liked me..and that he was happy with me. I see people on YouTube with awesome testimonies how they're so close knit with God, how God did this and that for them... And I ..i never had that. Idk why but even before the damage ( will get into soon) happen ... I had some experiences with God...mostly dreams..but it was never anything thatd make you go.." That was 100% God" idk alot of Christians make it seem like youre supposed to get an answer to every prayer, or hear clearly from God and be les by his spirit always.. ( also I still never experienced his leading..) so it just made me feel like I was defective or God just didnt like me.
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That's one of the reason's its hard for me to trust God..bc its like he says he wants to be close, talk to you, give you his promises...BUT...it seems everyone else is able to do it but me .... So in that sense I felt like a carrot was being dangled in front of my face.
Now on to the damage..
I'm gonna make this short and bullet point it
▶ Pastor treated me differently , called my mom told her I was a liar and not to believe anything I said. Would rebuke me in front of others, asked if the spirit of Judas was in me, prophesied id be in a shelter..and told me God has mercy on whom he has mercy... And I didnt do anything to warrant that..infact before service...my brothers and I would clean her home ...and i bathed her once when she was ill ...and helped her take her medicine... So I didnt do anything mean or malicious to warrent all that.
▶ Current situation- As I've stated in other threads, I got kicked out of school.. And (gonna back track) when I was in church and what not... I feel like even when I was " blessed" itd be with Jobs I couldn't do... When id hear from someone else the job they'd have is a breeze to get through... And just the whole being in a crampt hotel with my family for 3 years...having set back after set back..
So my faith in God was forcefully eroded.. I cant trust anymore, I have no faith...accept to believe that God is...it is simply impossible for me to believe God doesn't hate me or doesn't want to do anything bad to me...like punish me or something because of the feed back from reality in getting coupled with the spiritual silence... I cant trust because I'm afraid something bad will happen..
During the whole stressful event of my faith being eroded... I even dreamt of my own death and it felt so real like itd actually happen ( I'm not suicidal and I dont want to die)... So its hard...
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I honestly dont care what anyone says, you cant just read a few scriptures and everything will be fine..no.. I feel the reason we all believe in God is because we all had an experience / encounter with Him that made the book come alive. Same with all the other youtubers I see, the have faith BC God came through for them... Had he not... They wouldn't be sharing any kind of testimony...
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I want to trust God again...but I feel I cant... I dont want to try but I just want my faith back and dont want to assume the worse... I just feel like I'm fading away and its kind of scary..but I'm becoming apathetic, I even resigned myself to just the fact... Idk maybe I'm a pot of destruction to show Gods wrath... I dont know... God just kinda left me to my own devices.
Dont know what to do.
I just want back what I lost, just to simply believe God liked me..and that he was happy with me. I see people on YouTube with awesome testimonies how they're so close knit with God, how God did this and that for them... And I ..i never had that. Idk why but even before the damage ( will get into soon) happen ... I had some experiences with God...mostly dreams..but it was never anything thatd make you go.." That was 100% God" idk alot of Christians make it seem like youre supposed to get an answer to every prayer, or hear clearly from God and be les by his spirit always.. ( also I still never experienced his leading..) so it just made me feel like I was defective or God just didnt like me.
--------------------------
That's one of the reason's its hard for me to trust God..bc its like he says he wants to be close, talk to you, give you his promises...BUT...it seems everyone else is able to do it but me .... So in that sense I felt like a carrot was being dangled in front of my face.
Now on to the damage..
I'm gonna make this short and bullet point it
▶ Pastor treated me differently , called my mom told her I was a liar and not to believe anything I said. Would rebuke me in front of others, asked if the spirit of Judas was in me, prophesied id be in a shelter..and told me God has mercy on whom he has mercy... And I didnt do anything to warrant that..infact before service...my brothers and I would clean her home ...and i bathed her once when she was ill ...and helped her take her medicine... So I didnt do anything mean or malicious to warrent all that.
▶ Current situation- As I've stated in other threads, I got kicked out of school.. And (gonna back track) when I was in church and what not... I feel like even when I was " blessed" itd be with Jobs I couldn't do... When id hear from someone else the job they'd have is a breeze to get through... And just the whole being in a crampt hotel with my family for 3 years...having set back after set back..
So my faith in God was forcefully eroded.. I cant trust anymore, I have no faith...accept to believe that God is...it is simply impossible for me to believe God doesn't hate me or doesn't want to do anything bad to me...like punish me or something because of the feed back from reality in getting coupled with the spiritual silence... I cant trust because I'm afraid something bad will happen..
During the whole stressful event of my faith being eroded... I even dreamt of my own death and it felt so real like itd actually happen ( I'm not suicidal and I dont want to die)... So its hard...
-----------
I honestly dont care what anyone says, you cant just read a few scriptures and everything will be fine..no.. I feel the reason we all believe in God is because we all had an experience / encounter with Him that made the book come alive. Same with all the other youtubers I see, the have faith BC God came through for them... Had he not... They wouldn't be sharing any kind of testimony...
--------
I want to trust God again...but I feel I cant... I dont want to try but I just want my faith back and dont want to assume the worse... I just feel like I'm fading away and its kind of scary..but I'm becoming apathetic, I even resigned myself to just the fact... Idk maybe I'm a pot of destruction to show Gods wrath... I dont know... God just kinda left me to my own devices.
Dont know what to do.