Being a woman's "first"

[leothelioness]

I'm interested to know how this might affect a relationship going into marriage, if at all. If you're a woman's first in pretty much everything (first kiss, first relationship, first sexual partner, etc.) would that affect how you see her as a person? What if her lack of experience leads to some difficulties navigating the relationship or maybe there's even some apprehension on her part?

These are some concerns of mine and I do want to be the best I can be for whoever God has for me and I don't want my total lack of experience to possibly damage any chance of a relationship, especially being as old as I am.

 

[DZoolander]

Honestly, sexual purity was never a big issue for me when I was dating. Don't get me wrong - I didn't want someone who'd tramped it around - but the idea that someone I dated had fallen in love with someone before me - messed around with them/etc - didn't pose me any problems and struck me as normal.

...because I understood that. I understood how it felt to be interested in other people. I understood how it felt to be single, available, and look around to see what your options were. I understood what it felt like to experiment - and it felt natural to me.

To be faced with someone that had managed to successfully deny those things for a huge period of time would just seem bizarre to me. I wouldn't know how to relate to them...and in a lot of ways...I probably wouldn't respect them. Why else would someone go to those lengths unless they were to some degree or another angst/guilt ridden and a rule follower (sort of the opposite of how I look at things).

Of course the problem becomes increasingly difficult the older you get.. Like - dealing with someone when you're 18 who has "held off" is a far cry different than dealing with someone who has "held off" until they were 35. The older you get - the more I would wonder if there would be problems ever moving past that "perpetual virginity" mindset that must be there.

My goal in dating was to find someone normal...someone that I could relate to...someone that had experienced the same types of things I had experienced. An older girl who had never even kissed anyone by the time they were in their late 20's certainly wouldn't fit that bill. lol

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Personally, if she was over 26 I'd be concerned unless there was a really good explanation. Without previous relationship experience how would she know if this particular relationship is right for her?

There is something to be said for failed relationships. I've learned the most about myself and what I need in a partner from past break ups.

As far sexual purity, that could be problematic imo. Is there some odd "sex is dirty" mental block? Is she disinterested and would go along as an obligation rather than a joy? ("Obligation sex" isn't my thing) Are our views on sex compatible?

 

[LinkH]

I'm interested to know how this might affect a relationship going into marriage, if at all. If you're a woman's first in pretty much everything (first kiss, first relationship, first sexual partner, etc.) would that affect how you see her as a person? What if her lack of experience leads to some difficulties navigating the relationship or maybe there's even some apprehension on her part?

These are some concerns of mine and I do want to be the best I can be for whoever God has for me and I don't want my total lack of experience to possibly damage any chance of a relationship, especially being as old as I am.

Some Christian men want to marry virgins, which is a normal thing to want, especially if we look at how virginity is valued in the Bible and how losing virginity before marriage is a bad thing. Statistically, women who are virgins at marriage are much less likely to get a divorce.

So if you marry a man who is either a Christian, serious about abstaining from sin, or who knows the stats, being his 'first' in that area is a good thing. My wife and I were virgins at marriage. I was looking for a virgin. At the time, I was in a country where virginity before marriage was the norm. So it wasn't as big a deal for me, maybe, but I'd imagine single Christian man looking for a virgin nowadays in the US would have quite a search on his hands.

I think not having done a lot of other 'firsts' like kissing, dating, etc. is a plus. If you haven't emotionally bonded with a man romantically and experience that all with your husband, then you save yourself a lot of heartache. And he doesn't have to worry about your being tempted to send messages to old boyfriends on Facebook or your pulling away from him because of past hurts with old boyfriends.

Not having relationships like that before marriage has been the norm for a lot of societies throughout history. Personally, I think it's better that way.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

FWIW, I asked my husband what he thought and he said he wouldn't be inclined to continue a relationship with a woman who had no experience. He wouldn't think less of her as a person, he just said that's not "something I ever want to get into."

His first wife... He was her first everything. It caused a lot of problems.

 

[LinkH]

To be faced with someone that had managed to successfully deny those things for a huge period of time would just seem bizarre to me. I wouldn't know how to relate to them...and in a lot of ways...I probably wouldn't respect them. Why else would someone go to those lengths unless they were to some degree or another angst/guilt ridden and a rule follower (sort of the opposite of how I look at things).

Of course the problem becomes increasingly difficult the older you get.. Like - dealing with someone when you're 18 who has "held off" is a far cry different than dealing with someone who has "held off" until they were 35. The older you get - the more I would wonder if there would be problems ever moving past that "perpetual virginity" mindset that must be there.

I posted my response before I read yours. Don't you respect people for loving God enough to obey Him in this area of their lives?

 

[leothelioness]

So, basically I need to lie through omission so as not to appear "weird" to someone?

My reasons for being so inexperienced stem from the fact that I am very shy and have only ever been asked out exactly twice in my life. I would love to be one of those girls who get tons of attention from guys, but I am not. Thus, I am single through no fault of my own.

So, I guess that means no one will take a chance on me? Or do I just need to lie about being inexperienced? I don't think it would be a good thing to start out a relationship on a lie.

Also, I have a very healthy view of sex and would love to experience that. I don't necessarily plan to wait till marriage for it.

 

[leothelioness]

There is something to be said for failed relationships. I've learned the most about myself and what I need in a partner from past break ups.

I've learned a lot just from attempted relationships. I know that sounds weird, but just getting to know someone in those early stages has taught me a lot about what I want and don't want in someone.

 

[DZoolander]

I posted my response before I read yours. Don't you respect people for loving God enough to obey Him in this area of their lives?

I suppose I respect their tenacity to a degree, sure. But I wouldn't want it in my life as a partner beyond a certain age.

Virginity, like anything else, is a conditioned behavior/response in my eyes. To have continued that means you'd have to have created a reality where a sexless existence is your norm WELL into your adult life. It's abnormal (in my humble opinion)l to go into your late 20's and never have kissed a guy, made out with a guy, or arguably had sex with a guy. To have done so, and to have created an environment where that is your norm, to me wouldn't bode well for then starting an intimate relationship with that individual.

 

[DZoolander]

Now, based upon what the OP just said, it doesn't sound like that's really the case with her. It isn't that she's decided that virginity is her issue - she apparently has social impediments to a degree where she's single more by circumstance than by choice.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I've learned a lot just from attempted relationships. I know that sounds weird, but just getting to know someone in those early stages has taught me a lot about what I want and don't want in someone.

Not weird at all. In the bigger scheme of things it is about getting to know someone and guessing about compatibility into the future on limited evidence.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

So, basically I need to lie through omission so as not to appear "weird" to someone?

My reasons for being so inexperienced stem from the fact that I am very shy and have only ever been asked out exactly twice in my life. I would love to be one of those girls who get tons of attention from guys, but I am not. Thus, I am single through no fault of my own.

So, I guess that means no one will take a chance on me? Or do I just need to lie about being inexperienced? I don't think it would be a good thing to start out a relationship on a lie.

Also, I have a very healthy view of sex and would love to experience that. I don't necessarily plan to wait till marriage for it.

No need to lie. Just be honest. Don't bring it up, but dint dodge the question if asked. If remaining chaste is something you want to maintain then keep doing so, provided it is something you believe is good for you as opposed to something you go along with for whatever external reasons.

As for shyness, I'm not sure what to say. You will have to actually have to ask guys out. Times are a changing and in general, it seems so knee of us aren't asking out women for various reasons. There will be tons of rejection but that's the best advice I got.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm shy too and I was 29 my first time. We all have our issues.

Edit: My posts in this thread do not reflect a Christian view as that is not my belief. Regardless of what any of us say in this thread, I'd recommend you also talk to trusted female friend with dating experience. As explained to me by a few women, there are actual risks for adult women when dating that I can't truly appreciate as a guy.

 

[Annessa3]

I married a virgin. It was problematic throughout our 17 year marriage. I would never do it again.

 

[leothelioness]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm shy too and I was 29 my first time. We all have our issues.

I'm 26.

 

[LinkH]

I suppose I respect their tenacity to a degree, sure. But I wouldn't want it in my life as a partner beyond a certain age.

Virginity, like anything else, is a conditioned behavior/response in my eyes. To have continued that means you'd have to have created a reality where a sexless existence is your norm WELL into your adult life. It's abnormal (in my humble opinion)l to go into your late 20's and never have kissed a guy, made out with a guy, or arguably had sex with a guy. To have done so, and to have created an environment where that is your norm, to me wouldn't bode well for then starting an intimate relationship with that individual.

On the other hand, being on the receiving end of a spouse who releases 25 or 30 years of pent-up passions on their spouse doesn't sound like a bad thing, does it?

I was a virgin at marriage. I can't imagine my wife accusing me of having low sexual desire, though. In lots of cultures its the norm for men and women, or just the women, to be virgins until marriage, and some of those countries have couples reproducing like rabbits. I don't think your theory is an accurate one.

A woman having multiple sexual partners before marriage correlates with an increased chance of divorce. There are some statistics available on this issue. It does make sense that a woman who kept herself wilfully from having sex might be less likely to find a boyfriend on the side, to try to get into swinging and weird stuff like that, etc. It's not a guarantee. It makes sense that men would be the same way.

 

[LinkH]

leothelioness,

I don't think you have to go around asking guys out. You can give off subtle cues that women give off without even realizing it. Take a look at some YouTube videos related to dating and body language. Women will do thinks like touch their hair (maybe trying to check it) when a man they find attractive walks in the room. There is eye contact, and things like the way they shift their bodies, expose their necks, subtle stuff like that. I saw a video on body language that had been some kind of documentary on TV on YouTube once. I don't recall the name.

If you like a man, you can also compliment him and smile at him. If he likes you, he may pick up on the clues. Some men are blind to this stuff, but usually if it comes from a woman they aren't considering for romance. They are more attuned to it if a woman they are interested in does these things.

Be careful, though. You don't want to be too flirtatious.

As far as disclosing virginity goes, if that's what you're talking about, there is no need to keep it a secret. The people who have sinned sexually are the ones who have done something wrong. They should be ashamed. If you actually date a man you are considering marrying and you think he may be interested in you for marriage, you can let him know. If he's not interested in marriage, you don't need to date him anyway.

 

[leothelioness]

Great advice, Link. Thanks.

 

[Hetta]

On the other hand, being on the receiving end of a spouse who releases 25 or 30 years of pent-up passions on their spouse doesn't sound like a bad thing, does it?

Are you implying that young children have some kind of "passion" or are you talking about 38-43 year old people (assuming they started having sexual feelings at around age 13).

 

[Hetta]

Leo, you'll be fine so long as you can express in person to the guy you become involved with these same things. There's a guy for you, there always is. You just need to keep your eyes and mind open.

 

[LinkH]

Are you implying that young children have some kind of "passion" or are you talking about 38-43 year old people (assuming they started having sexual feelings at around age 13).

I wasn't thinking about that. I didn't say the age of the hypothetical person in question, but let's make it 10 or 15 years of passion.