You are trying to understand the truth of God from your own heart & mind ... he's not there!
That's what it means to be "in sin", i.e. in darkness.
You will fail which will only prove God right!
You cannot know the truth of God unless you look in
the right place,
i.e. meet
people that have found him
by receiving the same as all the disciples, and those they were sent to - His Spirit within
evidenced by speaking in tongues, followed by all the other signs, wonders and miracles
... meet people that have been transformed, hear God showing he knows your heart
through the gifts of prophecy, see proof of things spoken of 100s of years before etc.
Most "churches" don't have these things so it is highly unlikely that you have even been
to a church that is faithful in these matters. (I say "churches" because Jesus only set up
one church, he isn't confused, he knows what he wants & what he is returning for, who
get's him in the meantime - those choosing to be faithful to the original!)
To really understand and appreciate it you will need to choose to receive
God's Spirit yourself, but at least come and see the difference it makes.
Jesus began by saying
"come and see" (John 1:38-39)
He later said:
"The queen of the south shall rise up in the judgment with the men of this
generation, and condemn them: for she came from the utmost parts of the
earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and, behold, a greater than Solomon is here."
People that will not "come and see" this "light"are also spoken of here:
"this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved
darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that does evil hates
the light, neither comes to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved." (John 3:19-20)
If you choose rather to rely on your own intellect and form opinions based on second-hand
information and other people's prejudices (because they have limited and often coloured
experience) you will never know, you will just form your own opinion to base your life on,
which is really just another religion.
God never wanted religion, Jesus rejected it. God wants relationship, that's why Jesus
gave his Life, His Spirit for us to receive, he never came to bring a religion.
Relationship means 2 active persons ... you need to get where God is active and
desire to see what he wants to do in you!
Otherwise, you are, like Adam and Eve, falling for Satan's trick idea that being without
God is just as good, if not better. I meet many self-professed "seekers", but
the truth
is, they are seeking excuses and self-justification.