Can a grandmother detach & live?

[GreatSpeckledBird]

Hi. I am in a very sick dysfunctional family and I have a grown daughter & 3 grandchildren who lean heavily on me for everything yet are extremely disrespectful towards me. Our family has been marred with alcoholism, drug abuse and you name it from forever but my daughter has been in AA for many years but the co-dependency hasn't stopped.

I realized I had to stop it. My grandchildren's awful behavior towards other family members caused a big family rift & I was horribly disrespected in the midst of it as I defended the innocent parties & was accused of being partial. I stood my ground about their unacceptable behavior I was blamed and ridiculed. Now this is after this family has ruined me financially of course as I was always handy with anything I could do to rescue. My thinking is at my age my grown children or grandchildren shouldn't even be looking at me to rescue them financially but they should be taking care of me, if any care taking is to be done.

My question in this post is, will my heart be able to endure the separation from my grandchildren. I feel like I am going to die from heartbreak. How can I endure this? Am I doing the right thing? I can't be around them without being used by them and I feel they just all stomp on me & take me for granted. This is very painful for me but how else will they learn to stand on their own & show respect to others if they can't even learn to respect their own grandmother? I daydream about running far, far away just to find a little peace. I'm accused of not loving my grandkids but they all just act awful. What can I do? Any help is appreciated.

God Bless

 

[madison1101]

I feel for you. The best way you can help yourself is to get involved with Al-Anon. There you will meet others who are in various stages of recovery from all you described.

My one thing I need to say has to do with who is to blame for you giving them money. They can and will ask for help. You don't have to give it to them. It is okay, and necessary, to say, "No."

My youngest son is a heroin addict. When he lived with me, I warned him if he used drugs, I'd kick him out. Well, I eventually had to do just that, at the age of 20 years old. I have also told him "No" many times when it comes to financial help.

Our family can't use us without our allowing it. It is possible to set healthy boundaries. An excellent book to read is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

Google Al-Anon, and find a meeting near you. Start attending meetings, and working the 12 Steps. Get a sponsor, and make friends with the people there.

God Bless

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi. I am in a very sick dysfunctional family and I have a grown daughter & 3 grandchildren who lean heavily on me for everything yet are extremely disrespectful towards me. Our family has been marred with alcoholism, drug abuse and you name it from forever but my daughter has been in AA for many years but the co-dependency hasn't stopped.

I realized I had to stop it. My grandchildren's awful behavior towards other family members caused a big family rift & I was horribly disrespected in the midst of it as I defended the innocent parties & was accused of being partial. I stood my ground about their unacceptable behavior I was blamed and ridiculed. Now this is after this family has ruined me financially of course as I was always handy with anything I could do to rescue. My thinking is at my age my grown children or grandchildren shouldn't even be looking at me to rescue them financially but they should be taking care of me, if any care taking is to be done.

My question in this post is, will my heart be able to endure the separation from my grandchildren. I feel like I am going to die from heartbreak. How can I endure this? Am I doing the right thing? I can't be around them without being used by them and I feel they just all stomp on me & take me for granted. This is very painful for me but how else will they learn to stand on their own & show respect to others if they can't even learn to respect their own grandmother? I daydream about running far, far away just to find a little peace. I'm accused of not loving my grandkids but they all just act awful. What can I do? Any help is appreciated.

God Bless

You can endure with God's help and even prosper. I echo Madison's recommendation to go to Al Anon. It has helped millions overcome the bondage of alcoholism, drug addiction and codependent behaviors. God bless you and yours.

CH Sacerdote

 

[LottyH]

Don't have any advice but I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you in this situation! The previous advice about setting boundaries sounds very wise to me if it means you can keep in touch with your family without them walking all over you.

Lord, I pray for GreatSpeckledBird today. I pray for this situation she has with her family. I pray that you will give Speckle wisdom to make the right decisions. Give her the ability to set boundaries so that she can love them as she longs to do without causing further problems in their behaviour. I pray for Speckle's family, that you will save them, that they will repent and realise how desperate they need your forgiveness. I pray that you will give Speckle strength to endure each day - take care of her Father, nurture her and guide her in all things. I pray this in the mighty name of our saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

Thank you lotty, seriously. Thank you

God bless

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

Thank all of you for your encouragment and advice. Another person told me to get to alanon so im taking the advice offered here. God bless you all.

 

[If Not For Grace]

In Al-Anon we learn we do not have to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) Ties in with what the others are saying about boundaries.

Remember "No" is a complete sentence. If someone is truly asking you something then you have the right to say yes or no with equal enthusiasm. (If not, they are really not asking by demanding aren't they?)

No one like change, often when we give people an answer that is different than the one they wanted to hear, their initial reaction is anger. Let them pitch their hissy fit. What passes for love is not always love, if you have to buy your children or grandchildren's approval or affection what you really have is fake affection. You will get through this. Letting people suffer the consequences of their own behavior is one of the best things we can do to offer them a chance at a mature and dignified life.

I encourage you to find a face to face meeting and attend for 90 days. It will change your life. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. (HUG)

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

In Al-Anon we learn we do not have to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) Ties in with what the others are saying about boundaries.

Remember "No" is a complete sentence. If someone is truly asking you something then you have the right to say yes or no with equal enthusiasm. (If not, they are really not asking by demanding aren't they?)

No one like change, often when we give people an answer that is different than the one they wanted to hear, their initial reaction is anger. Let them pitch their hissy fit. What passes for love is not always love, if you have to buy your children or grandchildren's approval or affection what you really have is fake affection. You will get through this. Letting people suffer the consequences of their own behavior is one of the best things we can do to offer them a chance at a mature and dignified life.

I encourage you to find a face to face meeting and attend for 90 days. It will change your life. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. (HUG)

yes i'll take your advice or try to. I'm not sure I'm physically able to do 90 days, you mean straight? I should just get in al-anon and stay there. I was involved for a while in al-anon but the group i was in was unhealthy, had a gossip problem, and I got discouraged and quit going. I felt "unsafe" there, to talk about my issues you know.

It's a big town though and I think there's 4 or 5 different groups and some mega churches that have recovery programs as well. I've got all the al-anon books. This will be my 4th time to realize I need to get in there. Maybe someday I'll realize I need to stay. I get sick and fall out I guess, but I really did get angry over that gossip situation. It was a sick group. I could've addressed the issue I guess. There were probably people there who hated it too, but I was just too sick and went away. I couldn't handle that problem and all my personal garbage at the same time.THEN, maybe now I'll be able to cope better. Thank you.

 

[If Not For Grace]

One way to avoid "gossip" is to keep the focus on you and not the A. We do not have to reveal every detail in a group setting-sharing our story or ESH is not a beginning to end deal leaving nothing out-it is about our struggles, victories and the paths we take and the choices we make and the consequences thereof. There are also online groups and social media has pages and FB has groups (open and closed) and there are many recovery pages. I meant 90 meetings BTW and hopefully on some sort of regular basis at least 1 per week.

"let us refrain from gossip" usually quiets the one or two that initiate it-we usually don't have that from old timers anymore in my F2f group, but the occasional over zealous newcomer may need a "gentle reminder" from time 2 time. In my thread on Detachment I posted a copy of the s-19 pamphlet on Detachment-it's there if you need a copy just print the written version if you don't have Adobe or don't want to download it.

Just remember addiction affects 1-4 families and you are not alone (YANA) The serenity prayer is also a very helpful tool. We have to have a slice of serenity before we can detach, step bk and make good choices or even rational decisions when we have been affected.

 

[chilehed]

Google Al-Anon, and find a meeting near you. Start attending meetings, and working the 12 Steps. Get a sponsor, and make friends with the people there.

God Bless

^^this.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation
of the person or situation from which we are detaching.

Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person’s alcoholism
can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation.

Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Living with the effects of someone else’s drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.

In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s drinking.
We are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin
to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided bya Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.

IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people

• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of
another’s recovery

• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves

• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not
drink, or behave as we see fit

• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds

• Not to create a crisis

• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

DETACHMENT teaches us to focus on ourselves. As a result our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the alcoholics in our lives to experience the
consequences of their own actions.