Married by spouse gone away

[nyar]

(Sorry the title should be "Married BUT spouse gone away", I don't know how to edit it)

Hi all,

I'm dating (online) a man who has been married (I've just learnt it) to a woman and had a child with her. This woman didn't want to have a baby and told him that she was not supposed to get pregnant because it restrained her from going to club. He begged her to stop being such a kind of woman but when the baby was 9 months, she went away (probably back to her country), leaving the child with him and never returned. Broken-hearted and deceived, he didn't try to find her anymore and now doesn't want to even talk about her.

I told him I was not okay with that situation and cannot have any relationship with him as long as he's legally married. He told me that he'd divorce at the very time the woman shows up but she's missing.

This man is an american and I'm in a very far country from his, so I don't know the laws out there. And as a christian, I also want to know what I can do and cannot do. As for him, he says he fears God but I'm not sure he's born again.

Any advice appreciated, thank you.

 

[seeingeyes]

You cannot legally marry him if he is still legally married to someone else.

He can file for divorce, and if his wife cannot be located within some time limit (it depends on which State he lives in), an order can be sought from a judge barring the wife from objecting to the divorce, which can then be enacted without her consent.

I learned that with one google search. Took me longer to type a summary than find the info. If this guy doesn't even have that much information, it means that he never even bothered to look it up.

Which means he doesn't want to marry you and needed a handy, sympathetic excuse.

Run, girl.

 

[ezeric]

I agree with Sister Seeingeyes (don't I usually?)

She gave you a word in LOVE....

"RUN"

And I agree...

Remember what Solomon said "the first story sounds good, until you hear the other side of the story"..and that you will find that is true many many times in life!
See Proverbs 18:17

GOD has someone better than all that for you, HE knows your life and has heard your cries.

-eric

The Exchanged Life

 

[Hospes]

"Online dating" just means there is a HUGE potential for deception. The story the guy has sounds so much like the typical predator.

My heart feels for you, but there are so many reasons to run away.

 

[nyar]

Thank you for your advices. We have the same law, I think the time limit is 3 years here.

His state is NY, can anyone tell how long is this limit there?

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

Please do not "date" anyone online unless you can meet them in person relatively quickly and often, and take the relationship into the REAL WORLD instead of a virtual fantasy land.

This guy sounds like a liar to me; sorry to be harsh. I would guess he's a married - possibly separated - man who just hasn't gotten to the divorce stage yet, and is lonely and looking online for a safe, quick rebound fix. Picking a woman from another country is his safest bet because you have no way of checking to see if he's honest and truthful.

Please do yourself a favor and avoid online relationships altogether.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

When people lie like this then they are no good. Run indeed. On a site note theres nothing wrong with online relationships as long as you know what you are doing and what to avoid. I am american and my fiance is filipino. We met online and are marrying in a months time. With that said there are alot more lying men online then there are lying women. However dating from another country online is always hard.

My fiance and I have access to each others emails, facebook, bank accounts...etc. We hide nothing from each other this way we know we both are real and honest. If someone doesn't agree to those types of terms then they are hiding something.

 

[Avniel]

If I were you I'd want some sort of evidence, I would need to see legal documentation that he is in the process of getting a divorce. In immigrant communities this isn't so strange. My best friend is going through this now, but he isn't dating on the Internet either. I can't say he's lying but it is a big red flag. I often like to think there is a particular order and the legal order is to obey the law and wait till the divorce is final.

 

[Avniel]

The fact that he is from NY to me makes it less strange

 

[BFine]

Find someone you can interact with in person not some guy spinning
you a tall tale online.

 

[Ark100]

(Sorry the title should be "Married BUT spouse gone away", I don't know how to edit it)

Hi all,

I'm dating (online) a man who has been married (I've just learnt it) to a woman and had a child with her. This woman didn't want to have a baby and told him that she was not supposed to get pregnant because it restrained her from going to club. He begged her to stop being such a kind of woman but when the baby was 9 months, she went away (probably back to her country), leaving the child with him and never returned. Broken-hearted and deceived, he didn't try to find her anymore and now doesn't want to even talk about her.

I told him I was not okay with that situation and cannot have any relationship with him as long as he's legally married. He told me that he'd divorce at the very time the woman shows up but she's missing.

This man is an american and I'm in a very far country from his, so I don't know the laws out there. And as a christian, I also want to know what I can do and cannot do. As for him, he says he fears God but I'm not sure he's born again.

Any advice appreciated, thank you.

RUN

From him

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Aside from the Biblical reasons to leave this situation, this sounds totally fishy and I would just move on from that guy if I were you.

 

[GraceLoveHope]

I'm confused. She didn't want to be pregnant so she ran away with the baby to her home country to be a single mom?

Why is he right away seeking a relationship from another country? There is clearly nothing wrong with dating/marrying someone from outside your own country, but I'm from NY too (rural, not the city) and it's very odd behavior for a man to be looking for love abroad when he hasn't even looked into what he needs to do to begin his divorce!

Not to mention how hard it is to bring someone into the US permanently without being able to legally marry them...

I would be more comfortable with this if he was the guy down the street, not the guy on the other side of the world...

 

[mytel]

On the subject of divorce, remember what Jesus said in Matt 5.32

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Be very cautious about what you are getting into here, consider what others have said and pray to God for guidance.

 

[nyar]

Hi, thank you all for your advices.
I asked him about divorce and he told me that he has already filed for it as the woman has been away already almost two years ago now, and that a divorce letter is already endorsed by the court of law. He's just waiting for the issue.

GraceLoveHope, she didn't want to be a mother so she ran away leaving him and the baby. And he's not looking for someone outside the US only but just anyone who would love him and his child.

I'm really aware that online things are quite unsure but he seems sincere until now so I don't know what to think

 

[nyar]

As for the christian view about divorce, I'd like to ask about this man's case (suppose I'm not gonna marry him), will he be condemned to remain alone all his life because there was no evidence of adultery in his separation?

 

[mytel]

At this point, from what you have said, you are in a relationship with a married man. Have you considered what the christian view of that is?

 

[nyar]

At this point, from what you have said, you are in a relationship with a married man. Have you considered what the christian view of that is?

Is it also a sin to exchange emails with a married man? We never met and never had even a sexual talk but just simple conversation to get to know each other. Can you explain me what biblical view forbid that?

 

[If Not For Grace]

Dating was the term you used. That's a no-no! At any rate a divorce may be obtained in absentia. It requires a "reasonable" attempt to notify the other party usually done in the form of legal ads in the local or last known local newspapers.

Have you never seen the "whereabouts unknown" ads? This man's wife may be asleep beside him for all you know..careful...IJS

 

[nyar]

Dating was the term you used.

Ok, I was probably wrong in using this term but I don't know which one is appropriate. English is only my third language.