"SEX" vs Romance & Spirit Led Intimacy

[forcedelune]

Some here might do well to take a look at The Song of Solomon and you might just get a bit of a different perspective on the physcial aspects of sex.

Much ado is made of the beauty of the physcial body and everything from the "tastes" to hair even to the placement of hands, to a woman's neck, lips and breasts and the emotions of everything from lovers being apart to their mutual delight with one another.

Chapter 7:

"The curves of your hips are like jewels"

"Your navel is like a round goblet"

"How beautiful and how delightful you are"

"and your mouth like the best wine"

"Let us rise early & go to the vineyards"

"there I will give you my love"

Could just be me..but the book seems very much about passion..His and Hers...

and I skipped the part where he likens her stature to a palm tree which he plans to climb...

That's just one Chapter...

"My beloved is mine and I am his"... That's the kind of sex and Love & romance we are to have, is it not?

Yes, beautiful. It's one of our favorite books to read together as a couple.

 

[forcedelune]

So, what is the point in all of this (other than to simply obey the Lord)? Every seed (thought) we allow into our heart will bear fruit in due season. When we allow bad seed into our hearts, it produces a type of fruit that the Lord did not design as good to be there.

This poisonous fruit causes damage and heartache in many areas of our lives. It grieves the Holy Spirit or hinders the Lord from being able to do any good work in that area of our heart & life. It eventually develops into a stronghold and it just smothers out every bit of what God designed us to naturally (and supernaturally) walk in or experience in this area of our life. [Matthew 13:7]

These principles can be applied to most any area of our lives, which need to be set in balance and healed- so that the Lord can do wonderful things through us and bless us in these areas. Now, I'm going to focus in on what matters to us most at this point (or at least in this thread)...how can we prepare our hearts to experience Spirit led intimacy in marriage (not just in the Marriage Bed, but in every expression of our intimate times in marriage) at the deepest and most fulfilling levels the Lord has created us to? I don't need to tell you this if you already read my earlier posts on Spirit led intimacy, but...it is supposed to be a supernatural, deep reaching, Christ centered, prayerful, worship full, praise worthy, loving, heart to heart, eyes to eyes, mysteriously wonderful, and miraculous time- between a man, his wife, and the Lord.

So what is it that most of us in the average church are blind to, which so hinders us from being able to have such an intimate relationship? For me, as a man (and also to some extent for women), my first area I need to be holy (set apart) unto the Lord is my heart. I need to maintain a pure and holy heart.

To be specific, in order to ensure that there's as little hindrance as possible to the level of intimacy I'm able to share with my wife...I need to guard my heart so that no woman (who is not my wife) shares a place in my heart, which only a wife should have. In other words, I will not allow (and I pray against at every turn) any thought (immodest image, seductive words, or fantasies of the flesh) of a woman who is not my wife (what the Bible calls a "stranger" or "strange woman" to our marriage). These areas of my heart are reserved for my wife only and I will not allow a nude (or even immodest) image of a strange woman (including something I saw of a female stranger in front of me) to share that holy place with her.

In order to have complete intimacy with my wife, I need to be able to share EVERY area of my heart with her (total openness). I can't share those areas where a woman, who is a stranger to our marriage bed, is being allowed to have such a place. Obviously, she would be hurt if I did expose her to such a secretly unfaithful area of my heart- where she is both unwelcome and excluded.

So, there you have it...the first ingredient, which is necessary in the heart of a man (and a woman as well) so that the fruit of true marital intimacy in the Lord can be shared together. While this is a much lesser concern to women, as they don't struggle with this as men do by nature...it can subtly creep up in women as well. Let's endeavor to keep our hearts holy for the Lord and for our marriage partners alone.

 

[forcedelune]

So what is the next missing ingredient for healthy Spirit led intimacy in marriage? Specifically, for the wife (and also the husband to some extent), her next area in which she needs to be holy (set apart) unto the Lord is that of the private areas of her body. She needs to maintain a modest heart [1 Timothy 2:9], which will bear fruit into her life by her physically being (outwardly dressing) modest.

In order to ensure that there is as little hindrance as possible to the level of intimacy she's able to share with her husband...she needs to guard the private areas of her body as most precious, so that no man (other than her husband alone) will see or touch those areas of her body- that only her husband should. In other words...she will not allow (and she prays against at every turn) any situation involving her wearing immodest clothing, describing private areas/acts, or touching of private areas by (as well as in front of) a man who is not yet her husband. These areas of her heart and body are most precious to her husband, so they should be treated as such...out of love for him as well.

These areas of her body are reserved for her husband alone and she will not allow a view of her nakedness (even potentially) to be seen by a man (whether the man has six degrees behind his name or not), unless she is in the very act of giving herself to him as her new husband. In order to have complete intimacy with her husband, she needs to be able to save for him EVERY private area of her body (and even the private areas of her heart) so that her husband can feel free to open up those areas of His own heart...which were made to cherish her privacy as his own, his wife's, and the Lord's alone. A husband needs the assurance that his wife is doing her best to save these areas of her body for him alone (whether she has in the past or not) or else he'll not be able to share this very sensitive area of his own heart.

You see, here's something that most women (and even most men) don't understand about a husband...men have a natural (God given) need in their heart, which is fulfilled when they have the assurance that their wife's private areas and private activities are for him alone. This is why a woman being a virgin has always been so much more emphasized than for a man to be a virgin- all throughout human history. I'm sorry to say that men have often taken this to extremes in order to try to deal with this longing in their heart. First, many a man has abused women in order to try to fulfill this natural desire (making women cover their entire body, being over-possessive, or treating woman like mere property).

Yet, there is a second (also destructive) way in which men try to deal with this natural longing (that their wives be privately set apart for them alone)...they choose to forcefully sear (desensitize) their own conscience in this area and just totally close shut that place in their heart (eventually subconsciously blocking it desperately against vulnerability to even the softest touch). Once they allow this area of their heart to dry and harden, only the Lord can give life to that area again (upon that man's repentance of living this way). What would motivate a man to do such a thing? Fear, pressure, doing what "seems" acceptable, or to kill the pain he feels (or should feel) as his wife shares these private aspects of herself with other men.

For example, in our culture it's deemed acceptable for a woman to go out in public wearing clothing that covers no more than common underwear (and much less than most past Christian generation's underwear)- as long as she is at the beach, swimming pool, playing a sport, or sitting in front of someone who happens to have a degree to practice medicine. You see, our culture has taught and conditioned us from very young that we should live by fear or pleasure- rather than believing the Lord will provide for our needs and will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can withstand. Yet, the Word of God says that "the just shall live by faith" [Romans 1:17] and "man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word which proceeds from the mouth of God."

[Matthew 4:4] There is no temptation, which has come upon you, that is not common to man and the Lord will always provide a way of escape (that is, if we seek Him for one). [1 Corinthians 10:13]

 

[forcedelune]

Another thing we've been conditioned to accept is that clothing is not so much to cover the body, but rather to decorate it. The need to cover those more private areas of our body, for modesty's sake, is no longer a welcome idea in our society. If the weather is fair, we just strip down to the "bare" minimum and have a "good time"...oblivious to the hidden damage we're causing to the hearts and lives of those around us.

The key is that most women (and men) have given up on seeking the Lord to meet their needs in these areas and have been convinced by the world (contrary to God's Word) that there is no escape (compromising your modesty is necessary). Well, you just have to decide in whom you will believe. The Word is clear and the fruit of modesty is well worth any persecution the world can dish out- for us taking a stand on holiness. We need to be taking to heart that "women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety..." [1 Timothy 2:9] "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." [Joshua 24:15]

This second way of men coping with their wife's accepted immodesty has a huge impact on marital intimacy and this is what most men in our culture choose (or are conditioned from a very young age) to do. This area of a man's heart is a MAJOR part of what enables him to be truly intimate (at the heart level) with his wife. Once a man shuts this area of his heart down (knowingly or unknowingly), intimacy at the heart level is minimal if any.

This has proven very frustrating for so many wives in our culture...the men just seem to be lacking in heartfelt expression for and during intimacy. They are instead flesh focused, absent minded, or at the most they will only interact with her at a mental/emotional level. This is taking away the most important element: for those in the marriage bed to share from the deepest places of their heart (completely and openly) in order to experience and be led by the Spirit into truly fulfilling intimacy together.

The Word presents a much more balanced way for men and women to deal with this need in a husband's heart. Scripture is very clear that the wife belongs to the husband (she is his private property), but the Word also says that the husband belongs to the wife (he is just as much her private property as she is his). Now, as we know from the whole of Scripture, the husband has primary authority over his wife...but the point of the following verse is that the wife also has legitimate rights to be intimately fulfilled by the husband:

[1 Corinthians 7:4] "For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority {and} control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the husband does not have [exclusive] authority {and} control over his body, but the wife [has her rights]."

Personally I think that's beautiful and I love that God offers this blessing of making us so completely one (body, soul, heart, and spirit) with whom we marry- so that we will belong to each other in the Lord. In the husband's heart especially, if he is naturally sensitive to his wife, an emotional bond forms toward her more intimate and private places of her body. If those areas are exposed to other men, he will feel a deep pain like no other and will be tempted to close this area of his heart (desensitize it)...so that he doesn't have to feel this dull knife cutting at his heart again and again. It actually has very little to do with jealously and everything to do with a man's God given emotional sensitivity to his wife's most cherished places shared during their times of intimacy.

 

[forcedelune]

In summary...to the extent that we seek and follow the Lord to have a pure & holy (set apart) heart unto Him (as well as unto our marriage partner)...to the extent that we guard what is private and should only be shared with those whom we are "one flesh" with (including private areas of our hearts and our bodies)...to that same extent we will be able to enjoy a wonderful blessing of the most fulfilling intimacy between our partner and the Lord (in the Marriage Bed and in every other expression of our intimate times together).

This now leads us to the next step in this journey. How can we discern what thoughts and images are harmful to our hearts? How do we determine what is modest and acceptable, in order to maintain a healthy conscience and a pure heart?

In other words...what are the day-to-day building blocks, which will result in either a holy sanctuary (marriage bed) unto the Lord or that will result in the damaged (compromised) experience of intimacy that the world offers as the norm? We need to address an issue that is central among the building blocks, which will either make or break our ability to experience true Spirit Led Intimacy in the Lord: inappropriate content.

 

[quatona]

Finally found the proper section of the forum to start this discussion. My apologies to the Mod's and Admins that I've been kind of the lone wanderer from topic to topic on this one. Thank you for helping me to get this discussion started in the most appropriate place. So, here we go.

Being one who enjoys frequenting Christian forums...from time to time, I've come across a number of posts in which people were discussing topics such as exactly what kind of "sex" is acceptable, good, and pure after (when) you're married. Well, even though these were Christian message boards, sadly the posts often start to get pretty graphic and inappropriate. At the risk of being judged as naive or unrealistic, I'd like to present my perspective on this issue of what is/is not "sexually right" to do in the marriage bed and hopefully we can have a good discussion on the topic.

First, let's make it clear that the Scriptures do teach how the world has a corrupted version of God's original plan for marital intimacy...or at least shows us where the foundation of such degradation first began. Take a look with me at the following passage of Scripture (my comments in {}'s):

"Therefore God gave them up in the lusts {ungodly desires} of their own hearts to sexual {anything, related to the body, that God has set apart as private from the opposite sex} impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves. Because they exchanged the truth of God {or the leading of His Spirit} for a lie and worshiped and served the creature {body} rather than the Creator {spirit}...For this reason God gave them over and abandoned them to vile affections and degrading passions. For their women exchanged their natural function for an unnatural or abnormal one {temple/body prostitution}..." [Romans 1:24-26]

So what points can we pull out of these scriptures, which may not already seem so apparent, but are the obvious outcome over time?

1) The world's view and approach to marital intimacy is based on a lie. What lie? That marital intimacy should be led by/focused on the body (our outer/physical temple)- rather than the spirit. While the body is a beautiful gift from the Lord (and to your spouse), it was never intended to be your primary focus during intimacy.

First we should be focused on the spirit (prayerful, mindful, thankful, and worshipful toward the Lord), then heart (seeking and being sensitive to meet your partner's most intimate longings), then soul (being considerate to your partner's thoughts, desires, and feelings), and then body (sensual pleasures and conception). I should not have an out of balance focus on my partner's body (in effect, lusting in the flesh), rather than longing to touch her heart. I'll explain this further as we go.

2) The body should be honored- not dishonored. So there are things we can do, in the marriage bed, which actually dishonor our body (and His body...being that we are a member of His Church).

3) There is a natural and unnatural use for our body, in the context of marital intimacy.

4) There are some things that can be done in the marriage bed which are vile or degrading (to one or both parties).

"Let marriage be held in honor in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste {Greek- inappropriate contentos} (all guilty of sexual vice) and adulterous." [Hebrews 13:4]

What can we glean from this verse?

1) Every aspect of marriage (including the marriage bed and marital intimacy) should be held (talked about and acted toward) in honor.

2) The marriage bed can be defiled by certain activities- such as sexual vice {inappropriate contentos} (wrong sexual conduct) and adultery.

Now, for the obvious question...how do we (as believers) determine what is true, honorable, pure, chaste, right, and natural in the marriage bed? The same way we always should in every area of our lives- being led by His Spirit and by His Word.

"So then, brethren, we are debtors, but not to the flesh (we are not obligated to our carnal nature) to live (a life ruled by the standards set up by the dictates) of the flesh...but if through the power of the Holy Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the flesh you shall (experience) true life. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God." [Romans 8:12-14]

"Every scripture is God breathed and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, and for training in righteousness (in holy living, in conformity to God's will in thought, purpose, and action)." [2 Timothy 3:16]

The world has, sadly, influenced the Church so much in this area that we often talk and act like they do (commonly saying things like "having sex" to refer to the fleshly act, using scientific/cold/flesh focused names for certain private parts of the body, focusing first on the physical rather than the spirit). Now I'm not discussing medical terminology (that's another subject), but rather within the context of marital intimacy. I'm also not saying that it is "sinful" to use such expressions...it's just not as meaningful and respectful as I feel God intended it to be.

Does Scripture exemplify this type of attitude toward intimacy in marriage?

The world (who is led by Satan) has taken this very holy & spiritually significant area of our life and has made it seem secular in nature. This is that which represents the very union of Christ and His Church- which brings about an opening of this veil between the spirit realm and the flesh realm (conception). Such an awe inspiring and sacred experience should never be secularized and talked about matter-of-factly in the context of marriage. Should it?

This very special time should be likened more to when one entered into the "Holy of Holies" (behind that mysterious veil in the Old Testament temple)- where God's Spirit would pass through that veil, which separated the spirit and physical realm. Intimacy within marriage is (should be) a holy activity and is the beginning of a mysterious time when a child is able to pass into our world from the spirit realm. Please, pause and take a moment to think about this. Such a holy and awesome experience should not be just "openly" and casually talked about or acted upon, should it?

I know this may be hard to swallow, being that most of us have been ingrained and educated to be desensitized or "open" when it comes to this very private and holy subject of marital intimacy, but shall we open the bedroom door as well and let everybody have a look? So why should we continue to do it with our words? Why should we continue to unclothe before others what God has told us to cover?

There's a reason that marital intimacy is supposed to be private. God designed it that way. This is why inappropriate contentography violates our conscience (a healthy one at least) like it does. Within the next post, we'll begin addressing what Scripture has to say about (and how to be Spirit led in) marital intimacy.

You may still be asking, what this has to do with "Ethics & Morality" at this point...bear with me, because I'm going somewhere and you'll see the relevance in the end. Your thoughts on what's been said so far?

I´m wondering if it´s really necessary for a believer to overcomplicate things that way.
Personally, I can´t comment on your points. I am not a Christian, and I am not holding the bible as authoritative on anything. So your concerns and approaches are somewhat alien to me.

 

[FreeSpirit74]

because I'm going somewhere

Hopefully far away from this forum.

 

[forcedelune]

I´m wondering if it´s really necessary for a believer to overcomplicate things that way.
Personally, I can´t comment on your points. I am not a Christian, and I am not holding the bible as authoritative on anything. So your concerns and approaches are somewhat alien to me.

I have a book shelf in my home. Most of the books are at least 50 pages in length on any given subject. I'm covering a given subject. It's not complicated from my vantage point.

Foreign to our generation, perhaps, who has been trained that a scientific approach to "sex" is ideal...rather than the romantic and more deeply focused approach. Even these so called tribal men from thousands of years ago could understand the concepts I'm speaking about. Being that you don't claim to be a Christian, I can see why it would seem complicated because it requires a background in many layers of Scriptural concepts.

It's like solid food for even a Christian to digest...most church goers in America are incredibly immature and are still only able to handle milk, in my view. So, I can't blame you for feeling the subject seems complex in nature...it's just from a different world view. The Apostle Paul often wrote in ways that were difficult for the average new or immature Christians to digest.

[2 Peter 3:16] "as also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which untaught and unstable [people] twist to their own destruction, as [they do] also the rest of the Scriptures."

 

[quatona]

I have a book shelf in my home. Most of the books are at least 50 pages in length on any given subject.

Oh, books!

I'm covering a given subject. It's not complicated from my vantage point. [/quote]

From my pov your vantage point makes the subject unnecessarily complicated, and in a way that I consider irrelevant.

I´m not saying sex is a simple subject. It has all sorts of aspects which makes it a complex topic.

Foreign to our generation, perhaps, who has been trained that a scientific approach to "sex" is ideal...rather than the romantic and more deeply focused approach.

Where I live your generation hasn´t been trained that the scientific approach to sex (why the quotation marks, anyway?) is ideal. It´s just that they have been told about a lot of aspects of sex that you would like to see ignored.

Even these so called tribal men from thousands of years ago could understand the concepts I'm speaking about.

Your concept isn´t hard to understand, a tribal man can understand it, and it doesn´t require a 50+pages book to cover it.

 

[apache1]

So what is the next missing ingredient for healthy Spirit led intimacy in marriage? Specifically, for the wife (and also the husband to some extent), her next area in which she needs to be holy (set apart) unto the Lord is that of the private areas of her body. She needs to maintain a modest heart [1 Timothy 2:9], which will bear fruit into her life by her physically being (outwardly dressing) modest.

In order to ensure that there is as little hindrance as possible to the level of intimacy she's able to share with her husband...she needs to guard the private areas of her body as most precious, so that no man (other than her husband alone) will see or touch those areas of her body- that only her husband should. In other words...she will not allow (and she prays against at every turn) any situation involving her wearing immodest clothing, describing private areas/acts, or touching of private areas by (as well as in front of) a man who is not yet her husband. These areas of her heart and body are most precious to her husband, so they should be treated as such...out of love for him as well.

These areas of her body are reserved for her husband alone and she will not allow a view of her nakedness (even potentially) to be seen by a man (whether the man has six degrees behind his name or not), unless she is in the very act of giving herself to him as her new husband. In order to have complete intimacy with her husband, she needs to be able to save for him EVERY private area of her body (and even the private areas of her heart) so that her husband can feel free to open up those areas of His own heart...which were made to cherish her privacy as his own, his wife's, and the Lord's alone. A husband needs the assurance that his wife is doing her best to save these areas of her body for him alone (whether she has in the past or not) or else he'll not be able to share this very sensitive area of his own heart.

You see, here's something that most women (and even most men) don't understand about a husband...men have a natural (God given) need in their heart, which is fulfilled when they have the assurance that their wife's private areas and private activities are for him alone. This is why a woman being a virgin has always been so much more emphasized than for a man to be a virgin- all throughout human history. I'm sorry to say that men have often taken this to extremes in order to try to deal with this longing in their heart. First, many a man has abused women in order to try to fulfill this natural desire (making women cover their entire body, being over-possessive, or treating woman like mere property).

Yet, there is a second (also destructive) way in which men try to deal with this natural longing (that their wives be privately set apart for them alone)...they choose to forcefully sear (desensitize) their own conscience in this area and just totally close shut that place in their heart (eventually subconsciously blocking it desperately against vulnerability to even the softest touch). Once they allow this area of their heart to dry and harden, only the Lord can give life to that area again (upon that man's repentance of living this way). What would motivate a man to do such a thing? Fear, pressure, doing what "seems" acceptable, or to kill the pain he feels (or should feel) as his wife shares these private aspects of herself with other men.

For example, in our culture it's deemed acceptable for a woman to go out in public wearing clothing that covers no more than common underwear (and much less than most past Christian generation's underwear)- as long as she is at the beach, swimming pool, playing a sport, or sitting in front of someone who happens to have a degree to practice medicine. You see, our culture has taught and conditioned us from very young that we should live by fear or pleasure- rather than believing the Lord will provide for our needs and will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can withstand. Yet, the Word of God says that "the just shall live by faith" [Romans 1:17] and "man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word which proceeds from the mouth of God."

[Matthew 4:4] There is no temptation, which has come upon you, that is not common to man and the Lord will always provide a way of escape (that is, if we seek Him for one). [1 Corinthians 10:13]

I like my wife hot and naked, I think you like yours cold with clothes on.

 

[Bethesda]

sitting in front of someone who happens to have a degree to practice medicine.

So you don't agree with male gynaecologists, male surgeons or indeed male doctors having anything to do with women. I had to go to my GP a while back and saw Muslim (i think) female doctor - it was I suppose a male problem - not that I conciously thought to ask the sex of the doctor when I rang - but it just ended up with a very obvious case of come back again and see your own GP (who was a man)

 

[Bethesda]

Now we dress, entertain ourselves, and accept as "normal" things that even the world (and definitely the Church) would have deemed as horribly immodest, garbage for the mind, and borderline insanity just a short 100 years ago.

equally a hundred years ago (or even less) most people (incl many in the churches) thought it perfectly fine to regard coloured people as something less than fully human, to transport (poor) people to Australia for stealing, to lock up those with mental health issues in horrendous asylums etc. And at least in the UK, marriage gave conjugal rights to a spouse, and marriage could not be revoked except by private Act of Parliament—it therefore seemed to follow that a spouse could not legally revoke consent to sexual intercourse, and if there was consent there was no rape.

Some things have changed for the worse, others for the better

 

[Squeegee Beckenheim]

The world has, sadly, influenced the Church so much in this area that we often talk and act like they do (commonly saying things like "having sex" to refer to the fleshly act[...]

Do you honestly think that the term "fleshly act" is better than "having sex"? It actually makes it sound kind of icky and disrespectful, as if your partner is nothing but a hunk of meat to you. "Having sex" at least implies that both parties are willingly involved. "The fleshly act" sounds like something you'd do in a butcher's.

 

[seeking Christ]

"The fleshly act" sounds like something you'd do in a butcher's.

Must resist the plethora of jokes this begs for.

By using that phrase, the OP is attempting to distinguish the spiritual union from engaging in the activity without it.

 

[Squeegee Beckenheim]

By using that phrase, the OP is attempting to distinguish the spiritual union from engaging in the activity without it.

What he's specifically doing is telling people that they shouldn't use the term "having sex" while himself using a term that's worse. At the very least "physical act" doesn't have the ickiness.

 

[seeking Christ]

If that's all you're getting out of this thread, you are missing the point. Which I can't really fault you for, because the OP isn't very concise, but to his credit the subject material is not simple.

Have you ever read the Song of Solomon? (Otherwise known as the Song of Songs)

 

[Squeegee Beckenheim]

If that's all you're getting out of this thread, you are missing the point. Which I can't really fault you for, because the OP isn't very concise, but to his credit the subject material is not simple.

I wouldn't assume that my not finding any of the content to be relevant to my life is because I don't understand it.

Have you ever read the Song of Solomon? (Otherwise known as the Song of Songs)

Yes.

 

[true2theword]

I could only say that I would bet my life if inappropriate contentography were designed by satan, then what God had designed and established sex to be like would probably look much different, and be much more enjoyable

as with everything done Gods way its much better!

 

[seeking Christ]

I wouldn't assume that my not finding any of the content to be relevant to my life is because I don't understand it.



Yes.

Did you understand SOS? (Song of Songs) I think exploring your understanding of that might be more fruitful for you, despite it being written as poetry. Also, there are now some good modern translations.

 

[Squeegee Beckenheim]

Did you understand SOS?

There is no consensus on what the correct "understanding" is.

I think exploring your understanding of that might be more fruitful for you, despite it being written as poetry. Also, there are now some good modern translations.

"Fruitful" in what way? What are you assuming I lack in my life?