WARNING
. this is REALLY
REALLY
long. I hope it's not too long, but please bear with me or skip to the TL;DR at the bottom!!
Hi everyone, I'm new to posting on this forum, but I'm not new to lurking on it, seeing as I'm on page 52 of the OCD section of Christian Forums!
I wrote something previously(and something after this since I wasn't pleased with this one either....), but I didn't feel it was right/good enough/perfect, so I'm rewriting it already I don't feel it's very well written but that's just me being the perfectionist I am.
Anyway, I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD-- officially as in, by a doctor, but once Dad gets a job and we have good insurance, my mom's going to get everyone doctor appts. and I might bring up OCD if I don't chicken out . I think I've had OCD tendencies since I was younger-- at least with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts. When I was really young, I'd often go and check at least the front door and the garage door after my parents went to bed to make sure that everything was locked/shut. I don't do that now since I'm terrified I'll find a rapist/murderer/thief wandering around the house-- which brings me to say that I'm also scared every night that every loud noise(from my rat's cage usually) is someone breaking into my room from my window to assault me somehow. It's not fun. I don't worry about it until I turn off the lights to go to sleep. I usually sleep flat on my stomach, pressed into the side of the bed against the wall because I feel safer like that. Lately I feel if I try to sleep lying on my back, not buried by my covers, that I'm too exposed.
Another big thing with me is that I wash my hands obsessively. I wash them often, and not just scrubbing with soap once for 30 seconds and rinsing. No, but scrubbing for, I dunno, 20 or more seconds 3-5 times. So that's 3-5 times I'm pumping soap and scrubbing it all over my hands(rinsing my hands off between each pump though). I do that maybe more than a normal person would considering I have 10 pet reptiles, two rats, cats and a dog. I also use my hand sanatiser after touching my animals then I'll go wash my hands 3-5 times.
But I will have violent intrusive thoughts that make me shocked I'd think that an example: One day I was in the passenger's side of the car on the way home from Petco and I had my bearded dragon with me on my lap and the car window was down about half way when I had the thought of throwing my dragon(who's like, one of my best friends) out the window. I was terrified at the thought and sort of just clutched him tighter and scooted away from the window a bit. I've also looked straight at one of my geckos and thought: I don't care about anything that happens to you.
I felt extremely guilty! Especially since she turned and ran away-- I thought she was able to read my mind or something and got scared! I felt terrible and told her out loud: I didn't mean that!!!
I've often had thoughts like that-- violently hurting or killing one of my pets. And I don't want to hurt them, but the thoughts just come.
Now onto the religious stuff(that sounds like I don't care, but I do!!)-- I pray a lot! I /have/ to pray everynight before bed or I feel like I won't be able to sleep. I'm also trying to make it a habit again to read my bible every night. At least once chapter, and I've started with Psalms since that's one of my favourites(I've read it before. =3 ) and I think I'll read Proverbs and Isaiah next since I want to read those. (I've read Proverbs, but not Isaiaha). However, whenever I pray, my mind often wanders to something else. So I have to stop, get my mind back on track, and try again. Usually I don't pray out loud, but in my head. So it's really irritating when my mind wanders. I'll also have rather blasphemous thoughts which don't make me happy since I HATE thinking things like that against God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. I go to Church regularly, also. But sometimes I'll just be minding my own business and BOOM-- blasphemous thought! It really bugs me. ><
I'm 15 and a half and my mom keeps reminding me I need read my driving manual to learn how to drive. I was ALL FOR IT! Until recently. Recently, whenever I'm in the car, I'm scared that whoever's driving(my sister, mom, or dad) won't break for a light or a turn quick enough or crash, or someone will hit us, or we'll hit a person. Just a couple hours ago when my sister was driving, I started doubting she was driving on the correct side of the road and any second a car was going to come around the corner and SMASH right into us.
Usually if I'm feeling anxious(I'm starting to feel a bit of anxiety just writing this ) I'll start picking at and scraping the sides of my fingers or I'll start chewing on the skin on the side of my thumb or fingertips. Aside from also tapping my fingers on my desk, clicking a pen or mechanical pencil, I've also picked up this habit to soothe my stress or anxiety where I'll tap my finger(s) in a triangle motion while I count 1,2,3,4 and try to imagine the tips of the triangle lighting up in turn as I say each number. Each time I say 4, the 4's on a different tip of the triangle too, so I focus on where the 4's gonna be whenever I do that. I only do that when I'm seriously stressed or anxious-- like when this guy at the movie theatre was chomping on his popcorn like nobody's business! I thought I was going to die because of how annoying that was. Which brings me to the fact I'm very sensitive to sounds such as chewing,slurping, crunching, gulping, lip smaking, and most other noises you can make with your mouth when you eat. They drive. me. up. the. WALL. I want to seriously hurt something when I hear those noises! Usually I just go grab my mp3 player and earbuds and listen to music to distract myself from it. I especially hate it when people crunch things they just popped into their mouth and they haven't shut their lips yet. UGh I can't talk about this anymore because it's making me annoyed just thinking about it.
On to more OCD like things-- ((hah, I just noticed some of my drawers in my dresser weren't pushed in all the way, so I had to take care of that )) if some things aren't exactly straight(like lining up the bathroom rug so it's alined with the tile lines) I HAVE to fix them or it will be on my mind forever. I'll feel the need to move books or papers so they're parallel with the edge of the table they're on.
One time in Spanish class at school, we were about to take a test, and the girl in front of me had her desk slightly crooked. Very slightly so it wasn't EXACTLY against the back of mine. I was really distracted by it and luckily for me, only a few minutes into the test, she got up to grab something and I was able to fix it..
Since November, I thought I had a crush on this one boy at school, but I kept doubting I actually did, and that war went on up until not too long ago actually when my friend told me(by coincidence, her boyfriend is the boy I liked's best friend. xD) in a random conversation that he had a girlfriend. I didn't care and let it go. I don't dwell on things like that, especially since I had been doubting I liked him to begin with. I never told anyone except my older sister about that crush even though my best friend suspected it, I told her I didn't like him. It's because I have trust issues though.
One of my more recent obsessive thought is that(even though I'm 15 ) that one day I'll get breast cancer because I wore my bra too much. I never wear regular bras because I hate them and have the idea that wearing a normal bra with too much support can increase your risk of breast cancer so I only wear sports bras during the day, I don't wear them at night. And doing this I feel like will decrease my chances of ever getting breast cancer. I feel like it's a sort of silly obsession, but I can't shake the idea. I'm terrified of catching some deadly disease though and that's probably why I'm germaphobic also.
I am an EXTREME perfectionist, but mainly with my art. Or while writing something like this if it's not good enough, I'll redo it. I don't usually redo my art though. I'll just notice it looks terrible(while others say it looks amazing, I hate it) and well, hate it. I'll down the picture for looking awful and then call myself a terrible artist.
I'm not a neat freak, or obsessed with cleaning things, but I know that besides being a germaphobe(and doubting a ton of things) I do get randomly stressed about messes and NEED to clean them up. I'll pick up little pieces of trash I see lying around because it bugs me leaving them there .
I think this is the last thing, but one major thing I have troubles with is decision making. I have such trouble making minor decisions, or big decisions! The other day my older sis and her friend were doing henna tattoos and I sort of wanted one of this certain anime character's face. Now it was an extremely simple design, so that was no problem, and they were asking me where I wanted it. Then I started getting really stressed and irritated because I couldn't figure out where I wanted it, so I gave up and just didn't have one done. There's many, many other times I've had troubles making decisions, that was just a recent one.
Heck, part of my mind is now thinking: No, no, stupid, you're not OCD, this is all just some random obsession/thing you made up and now you can't stop thinking about it and think that ALL these little random quirks are normal. It's not OCD, you just THINK it is.
So really, I'm doubting that it is, but then I've read this is the 'doubting disease' and I've looked up symptoms for OCD often and I relate to many of them.
TL;DR(which I'm surprised that you read this whole thing anyway): I have a lot of OCD symptoms, but I keep doubting I had it and since my dad doesn't have a job and we don't have insurance, we can't go to a doctor!!
P.S. I only brought this up to my mom once, that I think I had OCD and she told me her brother's got it and she herself shows very mild OCD symptoms(mainly with being obsessed with things cleaning and she told me once she felt the need to have cans turned a certain way in the pantry or something bad will happen or something like that. xD)
(Okay, I started to write this for the third or fourth time, not being pleased with it, but it's sounding like this one )
So I guess what I'm really asking is-- does this sound like OCD so I can stop obsessing about whether it is or not even though I've read the symptoms for it over and over, read TONS of threads about it(most on here, but some other places also) and even taken quizzes to see if I was OCD or not!?!
I guess you could say I'm obsessed with OCD and whether I have it or not. (I really do want to talk to a doctor about it, I just can't right now)
Hi everyone, I'm new to posting on this forum, but I'm not new to lurking on it, seeing as I'm on page 52 of the OCD section of Christian Forums!
I wrote something previously(and something after this since I wasn't pleased with this one either....), but I didn't feel it was right/good enough/perfect, so I'm rewriting it already I don't feel it's very well written but that's just me being the perfectionist I am.
Anyway, I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD-- officially as in, by a doctor, but once Dad gets a job and we have good insurance, my mom's going to get everyone doctor appts. and I might bring up OCD if I don't chicken out . I think I've had OCD tendencies since I was younger-- at least with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts. When I was really young, I'd often go and check at least the front door and the garage door after my parents went to bed to make sure that everything was locked/shut. I don't do that now since I'm terrified I'll find a rapist/murderer/thief wandering around the house-- which brings me to say that I'm also scared every night that every loud noise(from my rat's cage usually) is someone breaking into my room from my window to assault me somehow. It's not fun. I don't worry about it until I turn off the lights to go to sleep. I usually sleep flat on my stomach, pressed into the side of the bed against the wall because I feel safer like that. Lately I feel if I try to sleep lying on my back, not buried by my covers, that I'm too exposed.
Another big thing with me is that I wash my hands obsessively. I wash them often, and not just scrubbing with soap once for 30 seconds and rinsing. No, but scrubbing for, I dunno, 20 or more seconds 3-5 times. So that's 3-5 times I'm pumping soap and scrubbing it all over my hands(rinsing my hands off between each pump though). I do that maybe more than a normal person would considering I have 10 pet reptiles, two rats, cats and a dog. I also use my hand sanatiser after touching my animals then I'll go wash my hands 3-5 times.
But I will have violent intrusive thoughts that make me shocked I'd think that an example: One day I was in the passenger's side of the car on the way home from Petco and I had my bearded dragon with me on my lap and the car window was down about half way when I had the thought of throwing my dragon(who's like, one of my best friends) out the window. I was terrified at the thought and sort of just clutched him tighter and scooted away from the window a bit. I've also looked straight at one of my geckos and thought: I don't care about anything that happens to you.
I felt extremely guilty! Especially since she turned and ran away-- I thought she was able to read my mind or something and got scared! I felt terrible and told her out loud: I didn't mean that!!!
I've often had thoughts like that-- violently hurting or killing one of my pets. And I don't want to hurt them, but the thoughts just come.
Now onto the religious stuff(that sounds like I don't care, but I do!!)-- I pray a lot! I /have/ to pray everynight before bed or I feel like I won't be able to sleep. I'm also trying to make it a habit again to read my bible every night. At least once chapter, and I've started with Psalms since that's one of my favourites(I've read it before. =3 ) and I think I'll read Proverbs and Isaiah next since I want to read those. (I've read Proverbs, but not Isaiaha). However, whenever I pray, my mind often wanders to something else. So I have to stop, get my mind back on track, and try again. Usually I don't pray out loud, but in my head. So it's really irritating when my mind wanders. I'll also have rather blasphemous thoughts which don't make me happy since I HATE thinking things like that against God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. I go to Church regularly, also. But sometimes I'll just be minding my own business and BOOM-- blasphemous thought! It really bugs me. ><
I'm 15 and a half and my mom keeps reminding me I need read my driving manual to learn how to drive. I was ALL FOR IT! Until recently. Recently, whenever I'm in the car, I'm scared that whoever's driving(my sister, mom, or dad) won't break for a light or a turn quick enough or crash, or someone will hit us, or we'll hit a person. Just a couple hours ago when my sister was driving, I started doubting she was driving on the correct side of the road and any second a car was going to come around the corner and SMASH right into us.
Usually if I'm feeling anxious(I'm starting to feel a bit of anxiety just writing this ) I'll start picking at and scraping the sides of my fingers or I'll start chewing on the skin on the side of my thumb or fingertips. Aside from also tapping my fingers on my desk, clicking a pen or mechanical pencil, I've also picked up this habit to soothe my stress or anxiety where I'll tap my finger(s) in a triangle motion while I count 1,2,3,4 and try to imagine the tips of the triangle lighting up in turn as I say each number. Each time I say 4, the 4's on a different tip of the triangle too, so I focus on where the 4's gonna be whenever I do that. I only do that when I'm seriously stressed or anxious-- like when this guy at the movie theatre was chomping on his popcorn like nobody's business! I thought I was going to die because of how annoying that was. Which brings me to the fact I'm very sensitive to sounds such as chewing,slurping, crunching, gulping, lip smaking, and most other noises you can make with your mouth when you eat. They drive. me. up. the. WALL. I want to seriously hurt something when I hear those noises! Usually I just go grab my mp3 player and earbuds and listen to music to distract myself from it. I especially hate it when people crunch things they just popped into their mouth and they haven't shut their lips yet. UGh I can't talk about this anymore because it's making me annoyed just thinking about it.
On to more OCD like things-- ((hah, I just noticed some of my drawers in my dresser weren't pushed in all the way, so I had to take care of that )) if some things aren't exactly straight(like lining up the bathroom rug so it's alined with the tile lines) I HAVE to fix them or it will be on my mind forever. I'll feel the need to move books or papers so they're parallel with the edge of the table they're on.
One time in Spanish class at school, we were about to take a test, and the girl in front of me had her desk slightly crooked. Very slightly so it wasn't EXACTLY against the back of mine. I was really distracted by it and luckily for me, only a few minutes into the test, she got up to grab something and I was able to fix it..
Since November, I thought I had a crush on this one boy at school, but I kept doubting I actually did, and that war went on up until not too long ago actually when my friend told me(by coincidence, her boyfriend is the boy I liked's best friend. xD) in a random conversation that he had a girlfriend. I didn't care and let it go. I don't dwell on things like that, especially since I had been doubting I liked him to begin with. I never told anyone except my older sister about that crush even though my best friend suspected it, I told her I didn't like him. It's because I have trust issues though.
One of my more recent obsessive thought is that(even though I'm 15 ) that one day I'll get breast cancer because I wore my bra too much. I never wear regular bras because I hate them and have the idea that wearing a normal bra with too much support can increase your risk of breast cancer so I only wear sports bras during the day, I don't wear them at night. And doing this I feel like will decrease my chances of ever getting breast cancer. I feel like it's a sort of silly obsession, but I can't shake the idea. I'm terrified of catching some deadly disease though and that's probably why I'm germaphobic also.
I am an EXTREME perfectionist, but mainly with my art. Or while writing something like this if it's not good enough, I'll redo it. I don't usually redo my art though. I'll just notice it looks terrible(while others say it looks amazing, I hate it) and well, hate it. I'll down the picture for looking awful and then call myself a terrible artist.
I'm not a neat freak, or obsessed with cleaning things, but I know that besides being a germaphobe(and doubting a ton of things) I do get randomly stressed about messes and NEED to clean them up. I'll pick up little pieces of trash I see lying around because it bugs me leaving them there .
I think this is the last thing, but one major thing I have troubles with is decision making. I have such trouble making minor decisions, or big decisions! The other day my older sis and her friend were doing henna tattoos and I sort of wanted one of this certain anime character's face. Now it was an extremely simple design, so that was no problem, and they were asking me where I wanted it. Then I started getting really stressed and irritated because I couldn't figure out where I wanted it, so I gave up and just didn't have one done. There's many, many other times I've had troubles making decisions, that was just a recent one.
Heck, part of my mind is now thinking: No, no, stupid, you're not OCD, this is all just some random obsession/thing you made up and now you can't stop thinking about it and think that ALL these little random quirks are normal. It's not OCD, you just THINK it is.
So really, I'm doubting that it is, but then I've read this is the 'doubting disease' and I've looked up symptoms for OCD often and I relate to many of them.
TL;DR(which I'm surprised that you read this whole thing anyway): I have a lot of OCD symptoms, but I keep doubting I had it and since my dad doesn't have a job and we don't have insurance, we can't go to a doctor!!
P.S. I only brought this up to my mom once, that I think I had OCD and she told me her brother's got it and she herself shows very mild OCD symptoms(mainly with being obsessed with things cleaning and she told me once she felt the need to have cans turned a certain way in the pantry or something bad will happen or something like that. xD)
(Okay, I started to write this for the third or fourth time, not being pleased with it, but it's sounding like this one )
So I guess what I'm really asking is-- does this sound like OCD so I can stop obsessing about whether it is or not even though I've read the symptoms for it over and over, read TONS of threads about it(most on here, but some other places also) and even taken quizzes to see if I was OCD or not!?!
I guess you could say I'm obsessed with OCD and whether I have it or not. (I really do want to talk to a doctor about it, I just can't right now)