Ive always felt closest to God when Im creating, be it stories, art, or videos, and when something sparks that creativity and instills in me a deep love and passion for that subject and for creating, Ive always seen it as a gift from God, and continually praise Him and give Him thanks for it. About two years ago, I came across something that, after carefully examining it and deciding whether or not it was okay to like, quickly boosted my creativity and curiosity to heights that I had never before experienced. I found myself drawing nearer to God during that time, while all the while honing my skills as an author, video editor and artist, and for a couple short months, I was happier and more content than I had ever been in my life. I literally could not wait to get out of bed in the morning, and thats no mean feat. But then
*sigh* then things got bad.
I heard a voice in my head while sitting at my computer one day, telling me to get rid of some of the things I had done for this subject, and I was completely, utterly stunned. I was shaken, to the very depths of my being. Was God not pleased with what I was doing after all? Was He not behind my creativity and inspiration? Had I felt and read everything wrong up to that point? Was I really so deluded? Had I done something irrevocably wrong? I anxiously turned to the Bible, and at first, everything seemed to be pointing to the opposite; that that was not God speaking to me. But almost immediately after I heard the mental voice, I became very ill, with one of the worst sore throats I can remember having. I worried that this illness might be a sign of judgment, that God was really displeased with me and that this was just a warning of things to come, and I just could not shake those feelings of anxiety and confusion from then on (Incidentally, Ive read that there is ample proof that the bacteria that cause sore throats can also be a contributing factor to the onset of OCD).
As is the case when one feels guilty, however irrational it might be, things I started to read both in the Bible and elsewhere seemed to be pointing fingers at me, telling me that it really was God, and I should drop it, drop it, DROP IT!! I didnt know what to think anymore, and my joy dried up like a puddle during a long drought. I didnt stop doing creative stuff, but my motivation was considerably less, and I started to become incredibly stressed out and worried, always second-guessing myself and feeling very condemned and miserable most of the time, stuck in a continuous limbo of indecision.
I mean, I dont want to do anything that is against Gods will, much less have something thats an idol in my life. I just want to please Him with what Im doing, to know that Im in his perfect will for me, and if this was God telling me to do this, I would. I just want to be sure, you know? Ive asked and asked and asked for signs or confirmation from Him, to know what it is He wants me to do, and have gotten everything from Drop it like a hot potato! to No, no, its alright, keep going, that wasnt Me. ^-^ (Proverbially speaking, of course.) So, as you can see, thats not really been a whole lot of help.
And you know the few times when Im actually able to find peace and move on from the doubt and anxiety, I find my creativity and joy come rushing back, and my creative output astounds even me, and I again find myself drawing nearer to God. The spiritually-oriented people in my life whom I trust and have told about this have also said time and time again that that wasnt God, that He does not sound like that and he doesnt work that way, and that its perfectly fine for me to continue doing what Im doing and I havent done anything wrong (aside from listen to the OCD for so long, lol. Also, don't try to diagram that sentence. XD).
But of course, like a bad cold, the OCD will just come back and find a whole new way to get me on the worry train again (I go into more detail about some of these things on the previous threads Ive started), and if it cant get me to worry that God wants me to get rid of this/Ive made it into an idol/what-have-you, then itll just get me worrying about something else, attacking anything it can. Heck, I once spent a whole month angsting over whether or not I was lying to someone, not to mention some of the other things its gotten me to freak over!
This is also why Ive classified my OCD as a mix of Scrupulosity and Relationship OCD, because I have seen the exact same symptoms and questions that I have posed by people who have ROCD, and from what Ive seen, the people whove replied to them have said it wasnt true, and it was just OCDs lies, which in turn has given me hope time and time again about my own symptoms. But again, the doubt just keeps on creeping back (or bludgeoning me over the head, depending on its mood
).
Questions I have:
- Is there anyone else who noticed that their OCD symptoms either started or were exacerbated by a physical illness of some kind? (And Im really not making this up, either; another person I knew got sick at the same time I did and all of a sudden developed trichotillomania while I was busy dealing with my newfound OCD)
- Has anyone else here had ROCD? How did you overcome it, if so?
- What are some strategies you have for counteracting scrupulous thoughts? Because I know that Scrupulosity does NOT seem silly or irrational 95% of the time to people who suffer from it. It all seems perfectly legit, and thus the freaking out and anxiety.
If you actually read all this, I applaud you.
Hopefully this gives you a better look at where Ive been coming from in my previous posts. Thank you very much for your time. 
Aster
I heard a voice in my head while sitting at my computer one day, telling me to get rid of some of the things I had done for this subject, and I was completely, utterly stunned. I was shaken, to the very depths of my being. Was God not pleased with what I was doing after all? Was He not behind my creativity and inspiration? Had I felt and read everything wrong up to that point? Was I really so deluded? Had I done something irrevocably wrong? I anxiously turned to the Bible, and at first, everything seemed to be pointing to the opposite; that that was not God speaking to me. But almost immediately after I heard the mental voice, I became very ill, with one of the worst sore throats I can remember having. I worried that this illness might be a sign of judgment, that God was really displeased with me and that this was just a warning of things to come, and I just could not shake those feelings of anxiety and confusion from then on (Incidentally, Ive read that there is ample proof that the bacteria that cause sore throats can also be a contributing factor to the onset of OCD).
As is the case when one feels guilty, however irrational it might be, things I started to read both in the Bible and elsewhere seemed to be pointing fingers at me, telling me that it really was God, and I should drop it, drop it, DROP IT!! I didnt know what to think anymore, and my joy dried up like a puddle during a long drought. I didnt stop doing creative stuff, but my motivation was considerably less, and I started to become incredibly stressed out and worried, always second-guessing myself and feeling very condemned and miserable most of the time, stuck in a continuous limbo of indecision.
I mean, I dont want to do anything that is against Gods will, much less have something thats an idol in my life. I just want to please Him with what Im doing, to know that Im in his perfect will for me, and if this was God telling me to do this, I would. I just want to be sure, you know? Ive asked and asked and asked for signs or confirmation from Him, to know what it is He wants me to do, and have gotten everything from Drop it like a hot potato! to No, no, its alright, keep going, that wasnt Me. ^-^ (Proverbially speaking, of course.) So, as you can see, thats not really been a whole lot of help.
And you know the few times when Im actually able to find peace and move on from the doubt and anxiety, I find my creativity and joy come rushing back, and my creative output astounds even me, and I again find myself drawing nearer to God. The spiritually-oriented people in my life whom I trust and have told about this have also said time and time again that that wasnt God, that He does not sound like that and he doesnt work that way, and that its perfectly fine for me to continue doing what Im doing and I havent done anything wrong (aside from listen to the OCD for so long, lol. Also, don't try to diagram that sentence. XD).
But of course, like a bad cold, the OCD will just come back and find a whole new way to get me on the worry train again (I go into more detail about some of these things on the previous threads Ive started), and if it cant get me to worry that God wants me to get rid of this/Ive made it into an idol/what-have-you, then itll just get me worrying about something else, attacking anything it can. Heck, I once spent a whole month angsting over whether or not I was lying to someone, not to mention some of the other things its gotten me to freak over!
This is also why Ive classified my OCD as a mix of Scrupulosity and Relationship OCD, because I have seen the exact same symptoms and questions that I have posed by people who have ROCD, and from what Ive seen, the people whove replied to them have said it wasnt true, and it was just OCDs lies, which in turn has given me hope time and time again about my own symptoms. But again, the doubt just keeps on creeping back (or bludgeoning me over the head, depending on its mood
). Questions I have:
- Is there anyone else who noticed that their OCD symptoms either started or were exacerbated by a physical illness of some kind? (And Im really not making this up, either; another person I knew got sick at the same time I did and all of a sudden developed trichotillomania while I was busy dealing with my newfound OCD)
- Has anyone else here had ROCD? How did you overcome it, if so?
- What are some strategies you have for counteracting scrupulous thoughts? Because I know that Scrupulosity does NOT seem silly or irrational 95% of the time to people who suffer from it. It all seems perfectly legit, and thus the freaking out and anxiety.
If you actually read all this, I applaud you.
Hopefully this gives you a better look at where Ive been coming from in my previous posts. Thank you very much for your time. Aster
I know how that feels, believe me. I remember a couple times when that voice came back and said I had to not be friends with one of my best friends anymore, and another time when it said it hated my friends. Needless to say, I
did not take that well. ^^;
And yeah, I do. Not all the time, but occasionally. Who knows? Maybe you will! 
Gives me hope that Ill someday get over this without having to get rid of anything except the worry. 
But thanks for the reassurance, man. 
