Stopping may be half the battle, but it's a necessity - a priority. If you don't make the effort to stop, all the talking and counseling in the world won't make a bit of difference. Again, do we belong to God or do we belong to self?
That’s the problem. The person bound by pain, regret, fear, guilt, shame, disappointment, has taken the wheel. While they belong to God, they have taken the effort to numb the pain upon themselves. In addition, merely quitting the behavior is an effort of willpower… self. It’s not done through the Spirit. One has to mend the spirit else it’s just a work of fleshly willpower. One has to find the issue and give it to God and be healed. Do we fix ourselves through ourselves, or do we give ourselves to God and allow God to change our nature? An excellent book on this concept is titled, Grace Walk, by Tim McVey. Surrender, accept, and pray. Forgive and love. Soon, the desire fades and the soul is at peace. Spiritual growth and maturity into the fullness of Christ Jesus is what’s needed. Not an effort to do better. So many Christian men live life scared with boundaries, rules, laws, regulations, monitoring, “accountability partners”, etc. A walk of grace, marked by a healed nature is true freedom. And that isn’t found in well power, systems of accountability, or more rules and regulations. I’m talking about the supernatural power of true Christianity.
I'm aware of how it is to just "stop" and not be changed inside. My first period of sobriety, I was a dry drunk. I resented every day I did not drink. I craved alcohol. Inevitably I fell off the wagon. I realized then that I wasn't convicted, and that I needed to get convicted. It took another year to get to that point. But I was always trying to stop, always aware I needed to stop, and stopping was my one aim in life -rather than my number one aim being understanding why I drank (which I'm pretty sure is a multitude of reasons, but I have never had counseling on it.) You can get dry/clean/sober without having your head shrunk. If you need it shrunk after, go right ahead, but to continue to sin and sin and sin and sin .. while mouthing platitudes about how you have to quit, have to stop, but just caaaan't do it, and years pass, and you're still falling off and on the wagon - I just don't see that as Christian behavior. Especially with the kind of addictive sin that damages marriages in this manner.
Most don’t understand the nature of salvation. For example, if I asked what God’s intention for every human soul is… most Christians say, “To go to Heaven.” Nothing could be further from the truth. God’s desire is that we allow Him to conform us into the very image and likeness of Jesus. Most also don’t know why they struggle with sin after being saved. So they resort to “will power” and legalism to modify behavior. That’s a form of bondage in and of itself. It’s just seeking to be justified by the law, our own set of laws. Now, seeking oneness with the Father through the Holy Spirit, that’s abiding in Christ. He being the vine, we being the branches. He abiding the Father, we in Him, and He in us. A perichoretic spiritual indwelling. God seeks to be one with us. To be in us, not in the quantative sense, but the qualitative sense. He desires us to partake in His nature through the abiding presence of the Holy Spirit. When we are saved and receive the Holy Spirit we become one spirit with the Lord. God and you are one organism. Athanasius said that God became man so that man could become God. It’s a union between you… and God. So upon being born again of the Spirit the human spirit becomes one with God, His life and righteousness flowing through it. However, a believer’s “soul” (Grk. Psuche, psyche, or mind) needs to be renewed daily through the Word of God. We have to apply the Word of God to the soul (psyche). This requires soul searching, confession, and repentance. You can’t repent of harboring bitterness, pain, guilt, shame, and burying it with self-destructive behaviors if you don’t take the time to search the soul and find them. A counselor (a “Christian” counselor) can really help to resolve these issues. One must align their mind with the Spirit by taking on the mind of Christ. Not by will power (memorizing how Jesus acted and copying Him) but by personal transformation through spiritually abiding in Him and He in in us. Again, I’m talking about a spiritual transformation. Not the “effort to do better” or to “be a better you”.
I'm sorry but we all have hurt, abuse, sadness .. etc. I don't know anyone who has not experienced at least some of these things.
True. However, we all respond differently. Temperament, and emotional maturity all play a part. When I was a medic in the Army I saw many men experience the same things. However, they each respond a little differently. I believe that your one size fits all approach, while sounding “strong” (in reality it’s not), it isn’t true. Anyone who has counseled individuals (both adults and children) after trauma, abuse, or deep emotional hurt, knows that everyone responds differently. Counseling allows one to have a mature Christian come alongside them in the journey and help them see things from a more objective place. It’s here that one discovers that they need to just stop (your position), forgive, heal, let go, etc. I’m saying that many men and women have hurt their spouses by not caring enough to engage in healing to wholeness. Most just want that man or woman to act differently. To that, I say, find a new one. Because unless they love and wish to help their suffering and bound partner no matter what… they just want to control what someone does (most often for what they perceive is the better). But that’s not healthy. We can’t force someone to be something they aren’t. Nor should we seek to force someone to continue to suppress pain, fear, anger, bitterness, or grief if it is indeed there. We have a tendency to want to force someone to be who we want them to be… NOW. And that is something just as damaging to a relationship as any behavior. I’ve seen couples bounce back from horrendous abuse and deception and be a stronger couple for it. Whole. Beautiful. Why? They accepted one another and took the journey necessary. Until then, couples just sit on opposite sides of the table, pointing fingers, and demanding that the other do something or stop doing something else. It’s actually sad. And when they are Christians… you wonder where Jesus is in their fight. Neither are being Christ.
But an adult Christian cannot hide him or herself in this manner, and there is no special dispensation for men to become addicted to inappropriate content because they were hurt or sad. None. Either that, or I don't know my Bible very well, because I fail to see that part.
Ummm… the essence of the Gospel is a dispensation of grace for a hurting, wounded, and dying world. That includes those who struggle with lust. The sin has already been atoned for. If the cross has no power to atone for future sin... we have no hope today, over 2,000 years later. Also, the cross provides us "salvation" through Christ, not "probation".
I'm not saying it's okay to be unloving to someone who has been hurt, because we should love people - it's a command to do so, even if we're not feeling it - but that doesn't mean that that person can just wallow in love, and never feel compelled to change.
True love brings change Jane. Love’s power cannot go underestimated. Love, true love, will inspire a desire to be changed. I’ve seen wives LOVE and respect their husbands. And pray for them daily until God got a hold on the man’s heart. They didn’t nag, they didn’t ride, they didn’t’ argue, they didn’t pester, they didn’t judge. In fact, many of them maintained their husband’s dignity and refused to even reveal his struggle unless it was directly to their pastor or counselor. And when God changed the man’s heart… it was a change that is eternal, gracious, powerful, loving, supernatural. The women didn’t threaten suicide to get him to stop. They loved him into wholeness.
P.S…. it goes both ways. Men need to love their wives into wholeness too. Too many men “lord” over their wives and “demand” changes that are not initiated by God. Sadly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not where so many women in our culture have gotten the same approach.
That's how enabling starts. "Poor Fred. He just can't stop getting off on watching prostitutes have sex." Really? I do feel sympathy for those who struggle with addiction - heck, I sometimes even have that spasm where I crazily think "I want a glass of wine. Just one glass of wine. Just let me buy that bottle of red that looks so appetizing. I can just have one glass. Just today. Just because it's Christmas/Easter/my birthday/Valentine's Day/Friday .." But it is crazy thinking, and I know it, and I don't do it. It's very possible to recognize what is beneath the lure of the forbidding (the devil himself) and refuse to go there, and reject that crazy thinking.
LOL We all face temptations. I’m glad you know it’s crazy to give in to those thoughts. Have you ever seen someone come out of addiction or depression through sheer will power? I have. Many times the deeper issues aren’t addressed… and they know it. If they are Christian, they sense something is amiss in their Christianity, but they don’t understand what it is. And when they see someone in addiction or depression, they want to kick that person in the bottom and demand they get on their feet. When the person in their brokenness can’t… it reminds them on a deeper level of their own unaddressed issues. If they aren’t careful, they will smell blood and turn on the weak one…only to cause more pain and disappointment.
I’d start by counting my blessings. Somewhere, someone’s husband has just hit a family van and killed an entire family after drinking. Somewhere, someone’s husband is pinned down under enemy fire that they will not survive this battle. Somewhere, someone’s husband is about to pull the trigger and take his own life. Somewhere, a family is starving to death. But in this thread someone has contemplated suicide because their husband is currently struggling with dirty movies and grappling with something deep in his heart. If I were them, I’d praise God that dirty movies is all it is and love him like there was no tomorrow. A struggling spouse is no greater a sinner than we are. We all have a disease in our flesh we call sin, even if our own symptoms are in remission. Let us take heed, lest we fall. Satan wants to turn this into the battle of a lifetime. And in reality… all that’s needed is a love that can heal and mend the human soul.
I’m talking about an old time religion that makes you love everybody, not seek to control them or modify them. An old time religion that allows you to trust in the power and grace of God and His timing for one who is struggling with sin. I’m talking about something supernatural.
P.S.
We’ve talked about the soul (the psyche) and healing. But often the body needs healing too. Desires, moods, etc. are strongly influenced by hormones. I’ve yet to meet a woman who can deny the power of hormones as it relates to mood and desires. Men deal with hormones also. Those hormones can make a man irritable, irrational, and yes… some hormones can significantly increase physical desire for release. It’s part of a hardwired drive to procreate designed by God Himself. I’m not altogether sure if some men don’t face an overactive libido on account of these hormones being out of balance. Origen, an ancient theologian faced such a drive… he castrated himself. For a man to resort to that to attempt to curb his passions tells me a lot. Some men might also need a touch from God in their flesh (body) to bring things down to a reasonable level. We are fallen creatures. Sin has affected us and twisted us down to our very genetic level. Therefore, I believe that when battling the flesh we should understand that it comes with all kinds of issues ranging from biological issues, psychological issues, and spiritual issues. We must not be afraid to address all three aspects of man’s nature in our battle against sin and our quest for healing, wholeness, and conformity to Christ’s own nature and person.
