Don't know what to call this: marriage question

[McScribe]

It seems to me Jane that this is an unhappy marriage. That the yelling thing is just a part of it. In a way trying to stop that is just a part of it. If I'm wrong I apologize, but it sounds like both of you are unhappily married. If that's the case then the yelling is just a symptom of things not being right. I get the feeling you feel it is hopeless and that's why you're not praying.

I'll pray for you. You are still Gods beloved creation. Prayer is never futile. God always wants to hear from us.

Your husband's anger sounds like it is being expressed inappropriately, but it also sounds like it is his version of despair. It would not be wrong to think that you want things to change or you want out. So I'm not just talking about him not yelling anymore, but about your marriage changing for the better. You may not feel like trying anymore. And I would personally be wary of marriage counseling.

What do you wish your marriage was like? Do you know what your husbands wish for marriage is like?

 

[mkgal1]

You are so right, Dori. We don't have any idea what goes on behind other's closed doors (or the car ride home from church).

 

[visionary]

Look at him, like a total failure in that situation, and say.. well that went well.. and walk away.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Do you prefer to email him or talk face to face?

I typically will email or text DH when we have an issue to discuss and let him know we need to discuss XYZ that night (or whenever I have determined would be best). He will ignore an issue forever if I don't broach the subject. So, I pick a day/time and get down to business. Sometimes our discussions don't go as smoothly as I had hoped, so we table it until later and try again.

As for the comment you made about "why are you still there". Only you need to know the answer to that question. The choices I made in my previous marriage aren't necessarily the choices everyone else would make, but my advice will probably follow similar boundaries as how I handled things. So, if someone opts not to follow my advice, it rarely offends me b/c it is their life and they have to live it according to their convictions.

 

[FaithPrevails]

My pastor just this past Sunday made the comment about families/couples having a fight on the way to church or getting annoyed about something - as he said, "You know, the stuff that makes us human".

 

[Cute Tink]

I once had a yelling problem and I do still struggle with it when things are getting really frustrating at all sides. One thing I have never done is yell at my wife or my ex. I just didn't deal with it that way. The problem I had was yelling at my kids. The "weird" part was that it usually wasn't about them at all, they just frustrated me at that moment and it was too much. I almost never did it in public, though, because I didn't want to be embarrassed about it either.

I learned to control myself because, as dorig says, you have to want to and I did. I almost never yell any more, but I do slip up sometimes. Even then, it is more raising my voice than quite to yelling. It's tough and you do have to admit that it is your problem and your choice and you do have to really face that before you can control it. All the egg shells in the world aren't enough for everyone else to walk on to keep you calm and it isn't their responsibility to do so. Unless your husband really understands that, then he probably won't change. He needs anger management either from a group, a private counselor or inner acknowledgement, but either way, only he can change this. The best you can do is help him to see his problem.

Another thought to consider - can you record him so he can see/hear himself later when he is calm? He might find it shocking how horrible he really sounds.

 

[Everlasting33]

Jane,

I am truly sorry about your situation and I can empathise. I grew up in a home with my mother screaming at me in public and in the home. It was an awful way to live.

While its very natural and understandable to seek advice from others on here, I believe YOU know what you want to do. The ability to know your husband better than anyone and yourself gives you this advantage. I think its easier to have others chime in and give you a push in some direction. Fear and apprehension has a pull and encourages us to rely on the opinion of others.

I just felt led to to write this. It sometimes can be more confusing and overwhelming to hear all these responses and not know what YOU want to do. Listen to yourself and you will know what is best.

 

[hijklmnop]

Honestly, imo, if you're not willing to do a trial separation this is a tough one. I'm not saying that's a WRONG decision, it just is what it is, your options are limited, and his anger problem has apparently been going on unchecked for a very long time which is going to make it hard to stop. I personally think that screaming at you, calling you names and cursing at you in any context, including in public and in front of the kids, is abuse...verbal and emotional, anyways. I hope I don't offend you by saying that. I honestly think that behaviour needs to be met with some tangible consequences. If you're not willing to go through a separation, would you be willing to separate for a short period of time whenever he expresses his anger abusively/inappropriately? As in, if he starts yelling/cursing at you with the kids present, that you immediately take the kids and walk out/drive away? And if it's just you, that you walk out/drive away? You can decide to make yourself unequivocally unwilling to take it, even for one more minute. You can then stay away until he's sure he's calmed down, and you feel comfortable going back, whether that be 30 minutes or 24 hours or longer. IMO, making it clear that you are so upset and hurt by his words and actions that you have to escape to protect yourself and the children from the ramifications of his anger would send a pretty clear message. I suspect if you have to do that quite often a trial separation won't seem so distasteful....but the point is protecting yourself and the children and letting him know how serious of a problem it is. It leaves him to deal with his anger as HIS problem, not allowing him to make it your and the kids' problem anymore, and it might make him think of how he might drive you guys out the door in the big picture if he doesn't commit to working on it and changing.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Jane,

Whatever you decide to do, you have to set some boundaries and be prepared to follow through the next time it happens. I would communicate that to him, too.

My prayers are with you...

 

[blessedmomof5]

Jane , you have gotten so much advice here, that i was unsure if i should share mine or if you actually wanted to read more! But i Pray you do!
My husband is total opposite in the respect he is the walking dead! So i had been asking for him to see a neuropsychologist forever until i was dead myself , in a sense ! So i had to give him the ultimatimum! I said u have till weds to go to the dr and get a referral to an NP if you do not get to the dr by weds i will drive to ur job and bring you a suitcase and you will not be allowed home! U have done enough damage! His response was you cant make me leave!!! Well i had had it! I said oh try me , i will call the police and say you hit me! He said i never hit u, i know that but they dont ! i said do NOT make me do it! I mean what i say! Try me!
All those empty threats all those yrs were just that empty!!! Now they weren't ! And he knew it! Why did i have to leave? I had the kids? He had the problem? He should go? So came tues i said DO u have an appt with the dr for the referral tomoorrow? He did! That was 8 wks ago he has yet to make an appt!!! But that my problem! But there is another option for you for him to get help?

 

[Created2Write]

Jane, firstly, what McScribe said is true. Prayer is never futile. God hears us even if we don't see the results we asked for. He's not going to force your husband to change, and even if he never changes, I do believe that prayer always helps. Even if we're the one it helps. I know that's not very comforting, but at least it helps to know we're not alone, ya know? That someone else sees our pain and knows what we're feeling can offer some solace.

Secondly, I know I have no experience in things like this and I don't pretend to. My opinion means very little, and I've been debating whether or not I should say anything. I don't want to offend or upset you. So, suffice it to say that I agree with dreamer.

I'm praying for you and your family.

 

[sdmsanjose]

BY Jane
If you're a man - what would persuade you that it was time to reconsider the way that you vent your temper?

The way you described your husband it makes me think that you have to fight fire with fire. If crying, loving him, and prayer does not work then maybe something drastic could be considered.

One drastic method would be to, as SOON as he starts the yelling to turn and walk away and maybe put your hand out as if to say, talk to my hand as you walk away. You could also give him another hand/finger sign that would show him what it is like to be disrespected.

An even more drastic method would be to start screaming back at him as loud as you can and say something like, “You are not all bothered by the size of your private parts again are you?

I know that my suggestions are not very Christian sounding and I would only consider this if nothing else works. He is disrespecting you and sometimes we men need to get hit right back in our own face before we stop the bullying.

Have you ever seen that TV show Bully Beat Down? They take a real professional fighter and put him into the ring with the bully and in the end the bully is meek and apologizes. Some men only respond to a type of combat that hurts.

I realize that my suggestion would probably put your husband in a very bad mood and he may get real mad at you but do you have a lot to loose? Only you can answer that.

That is what would get to me if I was a bully with my wife. But I have to admit that I just do not have a clue as to what your husbands is all about. He uses vulgarities and screams at you in public and in front of your children. His unsolicited concern about the size of his private parts and his refusal to have sex with you puts him in a category that baffles me to no end.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I've not often seen this work to be honest. However if she can cry on cue I'm not against giving it a try.

It doesn't always work. If the woman over does it all the time and the guy knows she is being manipulative it won't work. If the guy is just plain mean and doesn't care then it won't work. In either of these cases its probably best if the relationship seeks professional help.

If he's basically a nice guy who flys off the handle sometimes crying will stop him cold.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

Have you ever talked with him
About it? What does he say causes it? Does he tell you why he thinks it's ok for him to treat you this way?

How do we deal with the hard stuff? Write it all out. It may seem like its useless at the time, but you don't stop reading a letter or email half way through coz you don't like what it says, curiosity will get the better of you and you've just got to read it all. So weather its paper or email, we write it all out, before handing it or sending we agree on a time to talk this out, so the other person or both of us have it read by then. We find it much easier to deal with the real messy stuff then because we know where the other person is at. Sometimes emotions run high when your telling someone
How you feel about them and reading it when the writer isn't around means you've nobody to lash out on. If gives you time to process these things before "the talk".

-you can't be around when your letter is being read.
-if you feel it'll get heated, arrange to meet in HIS fav coffee shop/restaurant. He's less likely to lash out somewhere where he enjoys going (hopefully) for the fear he won't be able to return.
-leave a 2hour slot between the reading and discussion. It allows a cooling off period and time to process the letter.

It may or may not work, but i guess at this point it's worth a try. I agree with whoever said cry-but only if that's how you feel, not to try to guilt him, but to let him see exactly what how he treats you does to you. If he sees your raw emotion when it's not in the heat of the moment maybe that'll wake him
Up a bit?

I really can't offer anything more than that. I will be praying though.

 

[moonkitty]

Cry. When yells at you like that in front of other people you have to feel it and cry. Let him know he hurt you and he will stop it. The problem with women choosing to look strong is that they trade away the best power they have which is to touch a man's heart.

A man who humiliates his wife in public doesn't have a heart. And crying in public will most likely either escalate the situation and give him more reasons to yell at her. Or be exactly what he wanted and just confirm the behavior so that he will do it more often.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

A man who humiliates his wife in public doesn't have a heart. And crying in public will most likely either escalate the situation and give him more reasons to yell at her. Or be exactly what he wanted and just confirm the behavior so that he will do it more often.

I don't think it's fair to say the man hasn't got a heart. Is possible to have anger issues and still love. That's like saying someone
With depression can't love, if it's a mental health or emotional problem that can be helped then why can't he have a heart? I doubt he sets out daily to hurt his wife, that's not making excuses or saying it's acceptable or tolerable.

But you can't judge his capacity to love on how he reacts to situations.

 

[visionary]

Right in the middle of his vocal mess... shrug your shoulders and shake your head in disappointment. ...and say quietly "volume doesn't make what you say right"

 

[moonkitty]

I don't think it's fair to say the man hasn't got a heart. Is possible to have anger issues and still love. That's like saying someone
With depression can't love, if it's a mental health or emotional problem that can be helped then why can't he have a heart? I doubt he sets out daily to hurt his wife, that's not making excuses or saying it's acceptable or tolerable.

But you can't judge his capacity to love on how he reacts to situations.

You don't know this guy either, so I don't see how you are more right than me.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

No, but I'm not judging the man.

 

[FaithPrevails]

A man who humiliates his wife in public doesn't have a heart. And crying in public will most likely either escalate the situation and give him more reasons to yell at her. Or be exactly what he wanted and just confirm the behavior so that he will do it more often.

I would agree with this, but clarify that he doesn't have a heart for how his treatment of his wife affects her.

Men who behave this way often are very caring towards others.