Why do some married people think its okay to get fat?

[Autumnleaf]

I'm just curious because I know men and women who got married and got fat. I know some who even got divorced... got thin... then got remarried and got refat. What gives?

Something that always makes me smile when I see it is a healthy looking woman with a guy who looks pregnant. I'm sure the laughter in my eyes gives me away every time I see this.

 

[dallasapple]

Maybe getting divorced was the motivation they needed like "starting over"..then they got married again ..and remembered why they got divorced in the first place and started eating to comfort themselves and to deal with the depression and misery of their 2nd marraige?

I dont know just a guess..

Dallas

 

[ArohaB]

you'd have to ask the fat spouse this question.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I didn't start gaining weight until I'd already been married for 8 years. So it wasn't marriage that did it. Rather it was moving to Alaska and being cooped up for 7 months out of the year. My husband gained weight around the same time and I'm sure it was for the same reason. It's not ok. And I'm working on it. I've lost some weight and a few inches this summer. I'm just hoping it won't come back this winter. It, unfortunately, does and will usually bring along a few friends too.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Things happen, stress happens, pregnancy happens, physical changes happen, hormone changes happen. They could be fighting fat for hours a day and still not be able to get it off, like me, I struggle to keep within the size 14-18 range. Never been smaller than a 12 since I hit puberty.

 

[Conservativation]

Divorce causes weight loss, so im not sure that the cycle of gain loss gain with MDR is meaningful. I lost lots of weight when we were separated, didnt have really much extra, but ended up in best shape because once I got past the misery I didnt let it come back....sadly, its creepin now, maybe 5 to 10 extra is back on.....for me all I can say is busy-ness and stress of 4 kids at wide age range...thats a reason not an excuse, but I have become slothlike

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

What's objectionable is when one spouse (usually the husband, according to stereotype) complains that the other is letting herself go, but when you look at him, he's no prize either. I saw a letter to an advice columnist from a man who had been married some thirty years, discovered that his wife didn't quite fit into her wedding dress anymore, and complained, "I want my young, slim wife back." The columnist promptly reminded him that he has changed over those thirty years too. Does he still look the same as he did on their wedding day? Obviously not. Why is his combover, ear hair, and gargantuan beer belly acceptable, while if she gains a dress size, she's committing a grievous sin?

Fortunately, hubby thinks I'm beautiful the way I am.

 

[Niffer]

My hubby's a bigger guy, at around 240lbs he looks it too. Now it's stretched over a lot of muscle mind you, but he would consider himself "fat."
He's always been a big guy, and personally I LOVE the way he looks - he's trying to lose weight because he knows its healthier - but if health weren't an issue, I'd tell him not to change.
I find his body extremely attractive, so yes one spouse may be "fat" - but I think you're assuming a lot when you automatically classify that as "bad/unattractive" thing.
He's my cuddly bear.

- Niff

 

[dallasapple]

The only thing Niffer..there does seem to be a double standard..not many men lets say are running around saying that their wifes xtra 40 or so lbs since marraige makes her his cuddly wuddly mama bear..

In other words its not just AL that is mentioning it as a bad/unattracive thing..the only thing is he said men and women..and I do think..well its obvious its more men that have issues with the wife gaining weight..regardless if hes put on 100lbs himself..

Dallas

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

As it so happens, I was just discussing beauty standards and how they change at another site. I posted a picture of my favorite example of a woman who does not conform to mannequin standards, but in her day was considered a beauty queen and a world renowned celebrity.

I am referring to Lillian Russell.

And she weighed over 200 pounds. Nowadays, if a woman weighs much more than 100, Hollywood is going to call her fat.

It is somehow more OK for a man to be chubby than for a woman, but I'm afraid if I went into detail about that, we'd be off on a flamewar. Is there any chance we can discuss that sensitive topic without ending up in a fight?

 

[JaneFW]

The only thing Niffer..there does seem to be a double standard..not many men lets say are running around saying that their wifes xtra 40 or so lbs since marraige makes her his cuddly wuddly mama bear..

In other words its not just AL that is mentioning it as a bad/unattracive thing..the only thing is he said men and women..and I do think..well its obvious its more men that have issues with the wife gaining weight..regardless if hes put on 100lbs himself..

Dallas

There have been threads here and dotted around the place which have referenced women/wives getting fat after marriage as though only women get fat, and yet I watch The Biggest Loser and I look at those guys, and they for sure are just as obese - most of the men are bigger than the women in fact - as any woman, so that kind of puzzles me. I think there is an especial distaste that many men hold for an overweight woman, like she has let them down by gaining weight. Ha. Did you see all the comments about the Lane Bryant plus-size lingerie ad? That woman is beautiful, I mean, just her face is beautiful, but her body is fabulous. I would give my eye teeth to have a figure like that. Yet many of the comments were extremely negative, and many comments were saying that this ad was MORE sexual than Victoria's Secret, and I think that's because this woman has real boobs, and doesn't need a push-up bra to make them look big, and that kind of sexuality/sensuality is a bit threatening. Maybe?? Just guessing here. Maybe plus size women aren't supposed to be sexual, only skinny women are? IMO, that model (no idea of her name) beats Kate Moss out any day - well, she could probably physically beat her too, just by sitting on her. Ha ha.

 

[dallasapple]

Divorce causes weight loss, so im not sure that the cycle of gain loss gain with MDR is meaningful. I lost lots of weight when we were separated, didnt have really much extra, but ended up in best shape because once I got past the misery I didnt let it come back....sadly, its creepin now, maybe 5 to 10 extra is back on.....for me all I can say is busy-ness and stress of 4 kids at wide age range...thats a reason not an excuse, but I have become slothlike

I agree with this..many people go into starvation mode not intentionally when they are under tremendous stress..Im one of those .that under stress I lose my appetite..Im more likely to over indulge or eat even normally when Im content peaceful and happy..or sometimes I have cravings from hormones that make me want to eat too much of a certain thing like salt or sugar..

My friends mother back when I was young..I remember her mother and father were going through a seperation and it looked like they were heading for divorce..(they reconciled but still)..anyway I remember her saying she had lost 25 lbs in a few months.. ..that she could barely get down a few spoonfuls of soup at a sitting..

IOW it wasnt a "plot" a sudden desire to be "fit" and slim because well..she would be single and for her benefit to snag another man she wanted to look her best..then once married..deliberately began to indulge in gluttony once she bagged the poor guy...

I DO however think if someone is in a miserable marriage..that they are freed of..they can have a "renewal" attitude and go on a "health kick' after the divorce ..simply desiring to take better care of themself because they are starting over ..turning over a new leaf..

Also this whole slim..get married..get fat..get a divorce..get slim again..get remarried get fat again...

Is NOT taking into account all the couples who are slim before marriage and remain within a reasonable weight the entire marriage..OR people who marry overweight ..and during the marriage one or both loses the weight..OR a couple that gains weight after marraige and loses it together .

Dallas

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I gained weight in my first marriage. It was a combination of things... Working odd hours, a medication that suppressed my appetite, eating out a lot, and it really just snuck on at first. Then, when I realized I'd gained the weight and didn't look or feel like I wanted to, I just gave up and figured I'd never lose it, would always be overweight, and just stopped caring at all about what I ate. In all, I gained 78 pounds. Then as the marriage started to fall apart and we were both becoming increasingly unhappy and depressed, I decided to lose the weight and I really worked at it. The reason was quite simple... At the time, there were numerous things that made me feel depressed, my self image and weight was one of them, so was the failing marriage. But losing the weight was the only thing I could control.

In 6 months I'd lost the weight, was the thinnest I'd ever been as an adult. The marriage still ended, but I didn't lose the weight for those reasons.

That was a couple years ago and I've kept the weight off, even after the baby (though after he was born, I did have 30 pounds to lose, which I did by the time he was a month old). I'm about 10 pounds over what I was at my thinnest as I adjust to a new work cycle (and, as a result, a new wake/sleep cycle), but losing it won't be a problem and I'm working on it now.

 

[Starlightsobright]

My husband and I have decided that we want to be closer to the weight we were when we married and have several months to get there. I think weight can creep on slowly especially if you have a job where you are always at a desk and nit making a conscious effort to exercise

 

[JaneFW]

My husband and I have decided that we want to be closer to the weight we were when we married and have several months to get there. I think weight can creep on slowly especially if you have a job where you are always at a desk and nit making a conscious effort to exercise

Yes, we are a largely (no pun intended) a stationary society, chained to desks and computers during the day, and slumped in Lazee-boys at night. All of the equipment that we have to make our lives easier - from dishwashers and remote controls to vacuum cleaners and desktop printers - make it easier and easier not to move much at all. If I wanted to, I could sit for 9 hours without moving at work. My computer is in front of me, my printer is behind me, I have a fridge under my desk with water and food. There's actually no need for me to ever move, and I have had to make the effort to think differently, and to get up once an hour and go and do something physical, whether it's walking down to someone's office to meet them instead of sending an email, or going to the break room to make coffee and chat to people. I started out at this job by gaining 5lbs, and at middle age, you don't want to start gaining weight, because it's far more difficult to lose, especially post-menopause. I've lost that 5lbs, but, like I said, I had to think differently.

Walking around at work isn't real exercise though. I get my main exercise at 5am, because I'm crazy that way. But anyone can make that choice. It just is a matter of saying that you want to be fit and healthy, and then following the steps to become fit and healthy. (Physical disability notwithstanding.)

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My husband and I have decided that we want to be closer to the weight we were when we married and have several months to get there. I think weight can creep on slowly especially if you have a job where you are always at a desk and nit making a conscious effort to exercise

If my husband and I wanted to weigh the same as we did when we got married, we would have to gain it back.

 

[Created2Write]

I don't think desiring our spouse to be healthy, and then voicing that concern, is a bad thing. Even if the one voicing it is overweight, it doesn't negate the fact that they both need to lose some pounds. My uncle-in-law's wife is incredibly obese. He's not a healthy size either, but she outweighs him by, at least, double his weight. It's not a healthy way to live and, I apologize if this is offensive...but no one should live like that. The Bible says our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and that the things we do to our bodies can defile the temple(fornication, inappropriate content, drunkenness, etc.) Living at an unhealthy size(whether obese or super slim) is wrong. Notice please that I said "unhealthy size". There is no universal "healthy" size. My mom is not skinny right now, but she is at a healthy size for her age and body type. So please don't assume I'm saying everyone needs to be a size three.

I know many people who get offended at the idea of their husband potentially being unhappy with their body. In every case that I have seen it hasn't been because the dissatisfied spouse is a nitpicky jerk who can't stand five extra pounds, but rather it's been that the obese spouse is getting to or has reached the point of being very unhealthy and the other spouse is in fear of their health and safety. If the dissatisfied spouse is overweight as well, then they need to lose weight too, but that doesn't mean the other is off the hook either. Being healthy is something I believe we should all strive for, and not just in body weight. There are other aspects of health besides weight. I'm a small person, but I don't eat as healthily as I should. That's not right either.

Another common assumption is that one can't be healthy until they've reached a certain size. But that's not true. A healthy size for me is not going to be a healthy size for someone else. I'm short and petite. My mom, for instance, even when she was young, was never my size. It's not possible. But, she can reach a state of healthiness that still looks just as good as I do, even though she'll never be my size. And she can hide an extra few pounds better than I can. I gain an extra pound and it shows. Grrr.

DH has told me that he will never let me get to the point of being as obese and his aunt. And yes, part of it is because he loves my body and doesn't want to see it ruined. I'm not offended by his statement. In fact, I'm glad he feels that way. Would he still love me if I were obese? Yes he would. Would he be wrong in wanting me to get healthy? No he would not.

 

[SharonL]

It is such a shame that weight is the measure by which we decide if a person is successful or not. People's genes do enter into it - Our whole family is heavy back many generations, we are decent hard working people. I have friends whose whole family is thin generations back, they all sleep around, drink, married several times and when they get together it is not a pretty picture, but guess who has more respect? Right - the skinny crowd.

Such a shame that people who have mental problems, depressed or any other abnormal problem receive sympathy and help - but an overweight person gets nothing but criticism.

In my case try having 2 step children, 2 of my own - a mother-in-law and a mother making every minute of the day miserable, a husband never home, working late or just out with the guys - frustration sets in - cooking was my comfort - but I was always judged on my weight - no matter that I provided a loving home, always doing things with my kids, always had a good job and owned 6 companies of my own - but I didn't look successful and was judged accordingly. Not making excuises, just saying there is a double standard - A dumb stupid good looking gal receives much more respect than an overweight successful good mother, Christian, wife and person. Just saying.....

 

[dallasapple]

There have been threads here and dotted around the place which have referenced women/wives getting fat after marriage as though only women get fat, and yet I watch The Biggest Loser and I look at those guys, and they for sure are just as obese - most of the men are bigger than the women in fact - as any woman, so that kind of puzzles me. I think there is an especial distaste that many men hold for an overweight woman, like she has let them down by gaining weight. Ha. Did you see all the comments about the Lane Bryant plus-size lingerie ad? That woman is beautiful, I mean, just her face is beautiful, but her body is fabulous. I would give my eye teeth to have a figure like that. Yet many of the comments were extremely negative, and many comments were saying that this ad was MORE sexual than Victoria's Secret, and I think that's because this woman has real boobs, and doesn't need a push-up bra to make them look big, and that kind of sexuality/sensuality is a bit threatening. Maybe?? Just guessing here. Maybe plus size women aren't supposed to be sexual, only skinny women are? IMO, that model (no idea of her name) beats Kate Moss out any day - well, she could probably physically beat her too, just by sitting on her. Ha ha.

I didnt see the model..but I wouldnt assume just because she was big and beautiful..she beat Kate Moss who isnt big but still beautiful.Maybe she does..like I said I havent seen the pictures..As far as breast...sounds like the woman just happend to have larger breast..because my sister who is very big..was also completely flat chested..so much so that she had breast augmentation to try and be more proportioned.As well as I have another sister..who is 5'5 and about 120lbs..who doesnt have abnormally large breast..but trust me she doesnt need anything added up there..she is perfectly proportioned.

I guess..(I dont mean you ..you just tapped into an issue I have)..I dont like the idea..of pitting large sized voluptous women..against thin (healthy not anorexia thin) voluptous women against each other..and measuring a womans sexual allure by her breast size either..

To be real honest I sometimes feel defensive..when in defense of big women or being overweight..people feel the need to tear down petite women or women who arent overweight.Im the first person to stand up and say ..we shouldnt judge someone by thier level of fattness or lack there of.But to be honest..sometimes I think being a small person ..at 105 /110/maybe 115'bs for most of my adult life..then I hear a woman defending herself against some of the cruel remarks some jerk makes about women beign overweight..saying things like "well SORRY I choose to spend my time with my children..and I have a very busy life..and I have been through pregnancy and childbirth..Sorry I havent spent my life dieting and working out ..instead I have been playing with my children and paying bills..

And there I am ..sitting there ..thinking..Oh is that what I did?Ignore my children?Never lift a finger to work or play with my kids..never worked .. ..just focussed on myself..dieting and excersizing while I neglected my family for the past 20+ years?

And the whole breast size thing?I am 5'1'' tall..In order to have DD or DDD breast I would have to be morbidly obese..Instead my breast size(cup size) is proprtioned ....I dont think I am any less woman than a woman who is 175 lbs..at 5"8 with DD breast..she is just simply a bigger person than me.I would look ridiculous with her breast on my body..I know very petite women..well one personally..who at 4' 11" had DD breast..she had a REDUCTION..it was considered medically necessary because she already in her 20's was getting bad back aches..and even migrains.the bras were leaving dents on her shoulders and over time they said the weight could cause nerve damage from the straps..not to mention it was very difficult I think almost impossible for her to find a dress that fit her petite frame but with enough room on the top..she always had to wear a skirt and a blouse seperate..

Anyway Im rambling..but just saying I notice sometimes the hostility some women(not you Jane) will have towards thin women in general..when defending gaining weight...or beign overweight..including insinuating that they are better parents or they work harder ..and simply arent so selsfish as to eat right and excersize...As well as pregnancy..Like my kids were grown in a pumpkin patch or delivered by a stork..

I remember one time I was at a club type place ..and I was in the bathroom and a conversation struck up with some of the other girls and in it I mentioned i have 3 kids...and they were like GASP..you have 3???Oh my lord look how thin you are!!!I was thinking what the heck does that have to do with having 3 kids?

Dallas

 

[Conservativation]

I don't think desiring our spouse to be healthy, and then voicing that concern, is a bad thing. Even if the one voicing it is overweight, it doesn't negate the fact that they both need to lose some pounds. My uncle-in-law's wife is incredibly obese. He's not a healthy size either, but she outweighs him by, at least, double his weight. It's not a healthy way to live and, I apologize if this is offensive...but no one should live like that. The Bible says our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and that the things we do to our bodies can defile the temple(fornication, inappropriate content, drunkenness, etc.) Living at an unhealthy size(whether obese or super slim) is wrong. Notice please that I said "unhealthy size". There is no universal "healthy" size. My mom is not skinny right now, but she is at a healthy size for her age and body type. So please don't assume I'm saying everyone needs to be a size three.

I know many people who get offended at the idea of their husband potentially being unhappy with their body. In every case that I have seen it hasn't been because the dissatisfied spouse is a nitpicky jerk who can't stand five extra pounds, but rather it's been that the obese spouse is getting to or has reached the point of being very unhealthy and the other spouse is in fear of their health and safety. If the dissatisfied spouse is overweight as well, then they need to lose weight too, but that doesn't mean the other is off the hook either. Being healthy is something I believe we should all strive for, and not just in body weight. There are other aspects of health besides weight. I'm a small person, but I don't eat as healthily as I should. That's not right either.

Another common assumption is that one can't be healthy until they've reached a certain size. But that's not true. A healthy size for me is not going to be a healthy size for someone else. I'm short and petite. My mom, for instance, even when she was young, was never my size. It's not possible. But, she can reach a state of healthiness that still looks just as good as I do, even though she'll never be my size. And she can hide an extra few pounds better than I can. I gain an extra pound and it shows. Grrr.

DH has told me that he will never let me get to the point of being as obese and his aunt. And yes, part of it is because he loves my body and doesn't want to see it ruined. I'm not offended by his statement. In fact, I'm glad he feels that way. Would he still love me if I were obese? Yes he would. Would he be wrong in wanting me to get healthy? No he would not.

Now youve gone and done it.....youve stated the truth and it will not sit well with others. It seems hat being overweight is like a push button topic where you get back

1. you are shallow
2. Skinny is unhealthy too
3. We gain weight as we age, no one will stay hard bodied forever
4. not only men/women get fat
5. you go right ahead and leave your spouse for their weight but the Bible tells us that its the inner man we should care about
6. If I know a man is attracted to me for my looks I will reject him immediately


and so forth

Meanwhile, none of that is ever relevant, but like I said....its push button