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Guest
Hi,
I've been losing my faith over these past several months. Last night, I wrote this because I feel the need to tell someone, and not hold it all in, and so I'm posting it on here this morning:
In my attempt to be honest to myself and my own experiences with God, Ive come to doubt my faith more than I ever have before.
When people around me so certainly heard God tell them things or move in their lives, and those things seemed all too often aligned with their own views and opinions - I committed myself to only saying things that I was sure was from God. I didnt want to confuse my own thoughts with those of God. While Id never felt something before that felt undeniably like a divine message, I kept faith that I might hear something. But I never did.
When I read in the Bible where it said to have a reason for believing, I took that as finding a rational proof. I kept looking, and thought I found something, only to find the flaws in it. Ive since kept looking, but whenever I find an answer, it only opens up more questions. In the process of looking for rational reasons to convince others, Ive come to the point where Ive failed to convince myself.
When I was told that during prayer we should not just say things to God, but spend time listening as well, I listened. I cleared my mind and listened for a message. But apart from the non-sensible mental static in my mind, I heard nothing that I could honestly say I thought was from God.
Ive seen those who said they were led by God ignore the suffering of the least in society and drive some of them over the edge. Yes, I know were all fallen people, and Christians dont have it right, but why do so many Christians get things so spectacularly wrong?
I have so many questions, and so many doubts. At first, I ignored them; my faith was enough, and I had faith there would be answers. But theres only so many unanswered questions you can have about something before you begin to question the entire thing itself.
I know what many Christians will tell me, and what many of you may feel compelled to tell me: unbelief offers no hope. That a world without believing in a God who cares about the world and works to do good in it is not something theyd want to believe in. I feel the same way. Im terrified of the idea that after you die nothing happens. But Im at the uncomfortable point of adhering to a belief system that offers more questions than answers for me and that Im hanging on to for fear of missing heaven or going to hell. I dont feel like Im being honest with myself and what actually seems to be the case in the world.
Its not like I havent tried. Ive been through a lot with my faith. Years of torment from religious OCD over false concepts of Christianity and then getting over that, just to deal with another faith-related crisis. Its been exhausting. These past couples years though Ive finally had the clarity and sanity of mind to really understand Christianity and be able to try out being a Christian. And Ive tried so hard, and I keep asking myself, how did I end up where Im at? Id like nothing more than to be a devout believer, but I cant force myself to fully devote myself to something I have serious doubts about.
I havent personally had any bad experiences with Christians. Im not trying to abandon Christianity to justify some sin or to switch to moral relativism. Im a strong believer in objective morality. I dont think Im losing my faith for many of the reasons other people my age do. I havent slowly drifted away due to disinterest, or the lack of any churches with free coffee and candles everywhere - Id go to any church if they could give satisfying answers to my questions. I feel like Ive fought for every square inch of my faith, but have still managed to somehow lose.
Im not sure exactly what Im trying to accomplish with this post. Every other time Ive had a faith crisis, Ive written out a list of solid points or questions and looked for answers from other Christians, but haven't always gotten satisfying answers. I think this time, Im just tired of looking and in a way, Ive stopped looking for answers, but Im also tired of holding this all in. I dont expect to get any answers that will make me feel any less confused or conflicted. I think I just needed to tell someone how Ive been feeling and thinking.
Thanks for reading this,
Adam
I've been losing my faith over these past several months. Last night, I wrote this because I feel the need to tell someone, and not hold it all in, and so I'm posting it on here this morning:
In my attempt to be honest to myself and my own experiences with God, Ive come to doubt my faith more than I ever have before.
When people around me so certainly heard God tell them things or move in their lives, and those things seemed all too often aligned with their own views and opinions - I committed myself to only saying things that I was sure was from God. I didnt want to confuse my own thoughts with those of God. While Id never felt something before that felt undeniably like a divine message, I kept faith that I might hear something. But I never did.
When I read in the Bible where it said to have a reason for believing, I took that as finding a rational proof. I kept looking, and thought I found something, only to find the flaws in it. Ive since kept looking, but whenever I find an answer, it only opens up more questions. In the process of looking for rational reasons to convince others, Ive come to the point where Ive failed to convince myself.
When I was told that during prayer we should not just say things to God, but spend time listening as well, I listened. I cleared my mind and listened for a message. But apart from the non-sensible mental static in my mind, I heard nothing that I could honestly say I thought was from God.
Ive seen those who said they were led by God ignore the suffering of the least in society and drive some of them over the edge. Yes, I know were all fallen people, and Christians dont have it right, but why do so many Christians get things so spectacularly wrong?
I have so many questions, and so many doubts. At first, I ignored them; my faith was enough, and I had faith there would be answers. But theres only so many unanswered questions you can have about something before you begin to question the entire thing itself.
I know what many Christians will tell me, and what many of you may feel compelled to tell me: unbelief offers no hope. That a world without believing in a God who cares about the world and works to do good in it is not something theyd want to believe in. I feel the same way. Im terrified of the idea that after you die nothing happens. But Im at the uncomfortable point of adhering to a belief system that offers more questions than answers for me and that Im hanging on to for fear of missing heaven or going to hell. I dont feel like Im being honest with myself and what actually seems to be the case in the world.
Its not like I havent tried. Ive been through a lot with my faith. Years of torment from religious OCD over false concepts of Christianity and then getting over that, just to deal with another faith-related crisis. Its been exhausting. These past couples years though Ive finally had the clarity and sanity of mind to really understand Christianity and be able to try out being a Christian. And Ive tried so hard, and I keep asking myself, how did I end up where Im at? Id like nothing more than to be a devout believer, but I cant force myself to fully devote myself to something I have serious doubts about.
I havent personally had any bad experiences with Christians. Im not trying to abandon Christianity to justify some sin or to switch to moral relativism. Im a strong believer in objective morality. I dont think Im losing my faith for many of the reasons other people my age do. I havent slowly drifted away due to disinterest, or the lack of any churches with free coffee and candles everywhere - Id go to any church if they could give satisfying answers to my questions. I feel like Ive fought for every square inch of my faith, but have still managed to somehow lose.
Im not sure exactly what Im trying to accomplish with this post. Every other time Ive had a faith crisis, Ive written out a list of solid points or questions and looked for answers from other Christians, but haven't always gotten satisfying answers. I think this time, Im just tired of looking and in a way, Ive stopped looking for answers, but Im also tired of holding this all in. I dont expect to get any answers that will make me feel any less confused or conflicted. I think I just needed to tell someone how Ive been feeling and thinking.
Thanks for reading this,
Adam