I feel like an outsider :(

[mum24]

I'm beginning to give up trying to feel like I belong. I went to a church meeting tonight and even though everything was good, I feel like an outsider. I feel like in every area in my life I've lost respect because I am seen as the girl with problems. I feel like a huge loser. And I feel really down about it. I don't belong any more. Depression has stolen my life. Well I guess my behaviour has been the problem but people don't understand and I feel humiliated. I feel insignificant unlovable and invisible now. It hurts so much.

 

[ProtectionofMotherofGod]

Praying for you, Mum. Please know that all of us feel like invisible losers sometimes.

That was a positive act to go to a meeting and be with others. I hope that tomorrow you will find another activity to get out and be with others. I have found that volunteering at the Blind Association lifts my spirits, so I hope you can find something or some place meaningful to volunteer and help.

 

[mum24]

Thank you.

Its like I'm losing my mind. I can't breathe tonight. I just feel so yucky. On my way to church in my car I had to scream at the top of my lungs to let out the long standing frustration thats been building. Then just sitting there with all these normal people talking about normal things I realized that I just don't care about much any more.... my passion has fizzled and I'm fried emotionally. And I feel completely HUMILIATED and I want to run away to a new place where no one knows me, except I know it wouldn't work because I can't run away from me. Sigh. I'm having such a horrible night.

 

[Criada]

You know, there were probably a lot of other 'normal people' feeling the same way... or similarly. It's sad, but so many of us feel we have to wear a mask with other Christians and pretend everything is fine, when we are falling apart inside.
You did well to get to the meeting, that's a big step

And, God uses our weakness, sweetie. He says that his strength is shown in our weakness. Yes, you have problems... we all do, that's why you need Jesus. And the fact that you are holding on to him and keeping going is a wonderful testimony! And that deserves more respect than having a 'perfect' life.
Sometimes God does humble us, so he can work... but that is a good thing.

I know it is very hard at the moment, sweetie, but you will come out of this with more strength and compassion than before, and you will be able to help others who struggle. Hold on, sweetie.

 

[rachel22]

praying for you those feelings about being "unlovable" and "insignificant" and all that.....they might feel real but they are not. u are not a "loser" you are as much of a person as anybody else is. i've got to get going but....praying for you

 

[sunmicroman]

I totally relate to what you are feeling and going through. I have been part of a church where I never really felt like I had a real friend and always felt like kind of an outsider. In fact, I have felt that more times than not.

I wish too I could just be "normal" again and have the only worries in my life be the "normal" everyday ones that everyone has. But as Criada said, God sometimes humbles to teach and I truly believe with all my heart that is what He is doing to me now and He could be doing that to you. But the fire refines, and He only does this to the children of His He feels will be shaped and molded by it. He wouldn't waste His time on someone this would not change for His glory. So know that He cares for you so much that He is bringing you through this time of trial in order to bring you out stronger on the other side. And during the trial He is holding you and carrying you even when you don't feel it or realize it.

 

[Winter]

Thank you.

Its like I'm losing my mind. I can't breathe tonight. I just feel so yucky. On my way to church in my car I had to scream at the top of my lungs to let out the long standing frustration thats been building. Then just sitting there with all these normal people talking about normal things I realized that I just don't care about much any more.... my passion has fizzled and I'm fried emotionally. And I feel completely HUMILIATED and I want to run away to a new place where no one knows me, except I know it wouldn't work because I can't run away from me. Sigh. I'm having such a horrible night.

That is what is so difficult about depression. We don't feel normal. We are not ourselves. Because we are not well. And yet we still find ourselves in positions where we are trying to do normal things around normal people. Its kind of like having a physical wound. We have an injury, like a broken ankle for example. Can we possibly go for a walk with a broken ankle? How can we do such a normal physical activity with a wound? Same thing with depression. We are wounded inside. Depression is a huge, gaping, emotional and mental wound. To try and do normal things can sometimes be debilitating and impossible. However we can't avoid them entirely sometimes. So the best we can do is to not "push it." And that is my advice to you - don't push it. Allow yourself to do what you can do, and when you can do it. Once you start to heal, then you can allow yourself to include more of the normal activities. But take baby steps.

Remember, do what you can do, when you can do it. Take it one day at a time. Hang in there.