- Feb 27, 2007
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Okay, here's my deal here, and I'm pretty scared to post this because I'm supposed to be a "Christian". But the thing is, I don't know if I am a Christian. I feel...well lately anyway that God hates me. There, I've said it. I know to some, that will sound insane, but it's how I really feel. I feel like my life is this great, big, cosmic joke. Like I was created without a purpose, that God spared my life from being aborted (like my sister was about a year and half before I was born), but just plopped me on the earth and said, "You're on your own now." I've been feeling that lately. Like I was created without any talent, skills, intelligence. I feel stupid, and hopeless, and purposeless. I've prayed and prayed that God would tell me what my purpose is, why I'm here, why I was spared when my sister died, but...nothing. I've gotten nothing but silence on the matter. I don't understand why God would hate me so much as to not answer my prayers. I guess I've kinda been angry too. I pray, and pray, but nothing changes. It's like God's not there. Well not for me anyway. I've been through a lot in the last few years, so I have no idea if that's part of my problem or not. I know I'm not totally blameless (if at all). I have committed sins. But the thing is, I don't care. I don't feel remorse or bad for anything I've done. I've only ever asked forgiveness because it was what I knew I should do, not because I was being eaten away with guilt. I don't understand why I don't feel bad for my sin. I would sin, ask forgiveness, then go along my merry way. I know that's not normal. I should feel bad, but I don't. Which makes me wonder, if a) I'm really a Christian and b) if I haven't sinned so much that God has washed his hands of me. But to be honest, I don't feel much of anything. Not love for those around me, not love for God, not remorse for sin, nothing. I don't understand why. I know that there has to be something wrong with me, but..I don't know how to fix it.
I'm pretty sure that God has turned his back on me. I mean, I feel so hollow, and when I pray it's like no one is there. I dont even know what true repentance is. Or how to feel it. Can a person sin so much that God no longer saves this person from hell? If so, it would have been better that I died like my sister, instead of God keeping me a secret for seven months. The way my mom found out was she was in a car accident and in the course of examining her, the doctor discovered she was pregnant. I've suspected for a long time that if my parents had have known about me sooner I would have been aborted, but it wasnt until last year, that I had that confirmed. But what I don't understand is, why save a life only to do nothing with it? I'm not particularly good at anything, I'm not all that talented, or smart. I'm pretty though, I guess that's one plus. I just feel that no matter what, I'm going to hell, that God stopped caring about me, and that I'm better off dead. I just dont get it why I would get to live if this was going to be my life. Nothing makes sense to me, especially a story my mom told me once. I dont remember this because I was only a year old, but she said that she was leaving church one night and some woman came up to her with a message from God about me. She said, "Don't crush her, she's special." Well, how can that be if God's turned his back on me? I want to be repentant, I want to be the good little Christian, to do the right thing, but I'm not. I'm not a good person. I'm angry, and self-pitying, and doubtful, and fearful (of everything). I pray, and pray, and pray but nothing happens. God doesn't speak to me. I really feel that God has abandoned me, given up, or something. I'm not even sure what I want to come of this. I guess subconsciously I want someone to say it's never too late. Because for some reason, the idea that God hates me is very depressing, and I guess I just need to hear that I'm crazy or something for thinking these things.
I'm pretty sure that God has turned his back on me. I mean, I feel so hollow, and when I pray it's like no one is there. I dont even know what true repentance is. Or how to feel it. Can a person sin so much that God no longer saves this person from hell? If so, it would have been better that I died like my sister, instead of God keeping me a secret for seven months. The way my mom found out was she was in a car accident and in the course of examining her, the doctor discovered she was pregnant. I've suspected for a long time that if my parents had have known about me sooner I would have been aborted, but it wasnt until last year, that I had that confirmed. But what I don't understand is, why save a life only to do nothing with it? I'm not particularly good at anything, I'm not all that talented, or smart. I'm pretty though, I guess that's one plus. I just feel that no matter what, I'm going to hell, that God stopped caring about me, and that I'm better off dead. I just dont get it why I would get to live if this was going to be my life. Nothing makes sense to me, especially a story my mom told me once. I dont remember this because I was only a year old, but she said that she was leaving church one night and some woman came up to her with a message from God about me. She said, "Don't crush her, she's special." Well, how can that be if God's turned his back on me? I want to be repentant, I want to be the good little Christian, to do the right thing, but I'm not. I'm not a good person. I'm angry, and self-pitying, and doubtful, and fearful (of everything). I pray, and pray, and pray but nothing happens. God doesn't speak to me. I really feel that God has abandoned me, given up, or something. I'm not even sure what I want to come of this. I guess subconsciously I want someone to say it's never too late. Because for some reason, the idea that God hates me is very depressing, and I guess I just need to hear that I'm crazy or something for thinking these things.
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