My husband complains constantly and is very negative

[Godismyhero]

It is sucking the life out of me. I am reaching for God to help me to deal with this but I am just so tired of my husbands constant complaining. We went for counseling with out Pastor yesterday, we are starting a devotional time in the morning, we made a commitment with our Pastor that we would take the time for this every morning. Please pray that this takes hold in his heart.

I told the Pastor I just want his to bring something positive to me sometimes. The second my husband gets out of bed, it is something negative that comes out of his mouth. He doesnt try to choose his thoughts at all, he lives off his emtions. He is miserable. Even the Pastor told him that people get tired of getting dumped on all the time, I need encaurgement too. First thing out of his mouth today was "I hate getting up this early". Then he said well lets get this devotional started I dont have alot of time. His heart wasnt into it at all, he wanted to be negative. I am praying that it will help him, sure cant hurt, I know it is going to help me. He told the Pastor that he doesnt have anyone else to talk to, so I get it all, Pastor said well that is what the devil wants you to believe, you have God to talk to, allways! ANd then he talked with him about his anger, major issue in his life, it has given the devil a foothold into him his whole life. This is our second marriage together, we got remarried last year after separating and divorcing. He is a recovering addict, he went back on drugs, meth to be exact, we lost everything, our home cars, everything and he chose drugs over us, and left , I was pregnant. I have forgiven him, and our family through God has been restored, so i dont understand why he doesnt have an attitude of graditude!!!!! He went from losing his whole family to getting it back, and he still isnt happy. I am frustrated. I know he has alot of stuff to work on, he was so damaged as a child, alot of issues, but he doesnt deal with them. I thought he did when we got back together. I feel decieved, he pretended to be so on fire for God and told me what I wanted to get me to come back, hmmmmmm addicts are very maniputative, but now that i am hear and back I feel like he is the same only sober. Still has the anger issues and so negative. I pray that he doesnt relapse, his negative attitide isnt good for that, in the past that was his way of coping.

I wasnt planning on venting all this, I guess I needed to. To be honest I really wish I would have waited to get remarried, but I did. SO I am really trying to do what God wants of me to in this situation. It is just so draining to be around someone that is never happy and always negative. I have been really pressing in for God to help me, I have come a long way at staying happy regardless of my circumstance. But it is exhausting at times. And my husband expects me to be his everything, if he isnt happy, he depends on me for all his happiness, I cant be his everything, I am only one person. I cant give him what he needs to get from God, only God can do that.

ANy respnses will be greatly appreciated!

Thank you
God Bless
Sunny

 

[Digit]

Hey Godismyhero,

This is a tough one. My mother faces a similar issue with her husband, yet he has multiple sclerosis and it has affected his mind, so there is a definite reason to his actions and words. In your case I am not sure why he acts like that. I wouldn't force the devotionals and such, but find a time that is equally suitable to you and him. Sometimes my wife and I don't do them, yet when we are both willing we get so much more out of it. DO make sure he is aware that it is something that means a lot to you. Maybe try and surprise him in bed with breakfast one morning, saying that you know he dislikes getting up early, so you thought this would be a nice change. Of course not doing it everyday, but just on occasion every few months may take the edge off for him.

Does he have interests that he enjoys? Do you share any of those? Maybe make it a habit to go out on a 'date' night every couple of weeks. Pick a new restaurant each time and just kick back for the evening.

I'm sorry to hear of the pressure you feel in having to be his happiness and yours too. That must be terribly difficult. Does he have any pets? Often a relationship with a pet can help bring a smile to a person. I know when I lived at home with my parents and came home feeling moody, and my dog ran up to me wagging his tail, it was just like all the burdens fell away sometimes.

Just a thought or two.
God bless!
Digit

 

[Godismyhero]

Hey Godismyhero,

This is a tough one. My mother faces a similar issue with her husband, yet he has multiple sclerosis and it has affected his mind, so there is a definite reason to his actions and words. In your case I am not sure why he acts like that. I wouldn't force the devotionals and such, but find a time that is equally suitable to you and him. Sometimes my wife and I don't do them, yet when we are both willing we get so much more out of it. DO make sure he is aware that it is something that means a lot to you. Maybe try and surprise him in bed with breakfast one morning, saying that you know he dislikes getting up early, so you thought this would be a nice change. Of course not doing it everyday, but just on occasion every few months may take the edge off for him.

Does he have interests that he enjoys? Do you share any of those? Maybe make it a habit to go out on a 'date' night every couple of weeks. Pick a new restaurant each time and just kick back for the evening.

I'm sorry to hear of the pressure you feel in having to be his happiness and yours too. That must be terribly difficult. Does he have any pets? Often a relationship with a pet can help bring a smile to a person. I know when I lived at home with my parents and came home feeling moody, and my dog ran up to me wagging his tail, it was just like all the burdens fell away sometimes.

Just a thought or two.
God bless!
Digit

It is funny but not funny that you should mention about pets! We have a dog, she is a wonderful dog and has always slept in our bed and lately he has been so mean to her, tasha likes to get under the covers and she will come in and try and get under the covers and it will wake my husband up, and he will automatically wake up angry and say you stupid dog your not sleeping on my side and shove her, he shoved her the other night and she landed on my face, so needless to say, he is even in jerk in his sleep! I have decided to have the dog sleep in my sons room from now on, which is sad cause I really have always loved having the dog with me, I am very attached to her but at the same time, if it is causing a problem them it is just better to eliminate the whole situation. It happens every night now.

As far as breakfast, my husband doesnt eat breakfast, I know what your saying though, do something thoughtful to make him feel good and validate his feelings. It really is a tough call, cause sometimes I end up re-enforcing him being mean and not nice to any of us cause he gets a payoff, does that make sense?

A huge problem for me right now, and I hate to admit it but right now I dont like him at all. He is mean, angry and negative and just takes takes takes, the only thing that does make him happy is being intimate. To be blunt, we can be intimante monday, twice tues and if i dont want to on wednesday, he is upset and acts like there is something wrong with me, he feels completely rejected. It is always about him. He always has himself on his mind and there is no place for my happiness. I am trying to think about the things I do like about him, to be positive, I really need Gods help with this cause I am having a hard time with it!

I dont want the negative to rub off on me, I am in the word, praying, reading, watching shows like Joyce Meyer to uplift myself. Last night he got mad at me because I wanted to read my joyce meyer book instead of watching a movie that had nothing uplifting in it, it was a war movie with violence. Now someone with anger issues, that really isnt a wise choice. It is frustrating when someone is so unhappy inside and complains about it but doesnt nothing to change it.

As far as the devotional, the Pastor asked James to commit to this and morning is the only time it will work, where the kids are asleep and we ahve a moment alone. The Pastor said, you know I am very blunt and if you cant commint 5-10 minutes to God and for your marriage then I cant help you. He is right about that. If we dont start putting God into the marriage, nothing will change, realistically, if we dont do the devotional in the morning, it will never happen. My husband works in the hot sun all day, and when he gets home I am cooking dinner, giving kids baths, which I never get any help for, my husband is just to physically tired to be able to help. At least doing the devotional he is getting something positive going in, it sure cant makes things worse!! I am praying it will help him to soften both our hearts.

We do need to start a date night, I think that is a very good idea because all he does is work and there is just no fun/down time for him or myself. I think that is a good idea, and our Pastor mentioned that as well. We will definately give that a try and see how that goes.

Thank you so much for your response, it is good to talk about this. Keep us in your prayers.

 

[deliciousBass]

You know, it's kinda funny... well not really. I glanced at the title of your thread, hadn't even clicked on it yet and I figured that your husband is an addict of some sort and/or depressed.

Everybody's different, but when it comes to certain things, it seems that many people follow the same cycle. It DOES sound like your husband was manipulative in "winning" you back. He may have done the right things, but he did them for selfish reasons. I really hate to say it, but by taking him back and not giving it more time, for whatever reason, you two didn't heal from the damage that was previously caused. It also sounds like your husband views himself as a failure. He is probably looking at the future and what it has in store for him and he might not be too happy about it. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he will find happiness in material possessions and selfish desires and when those fade away it's back to being depressed. After all, he does have addictive tendencies. Is his job a major source of his discontent?

Just like at some point your husband had an intervention for his drug abuse and expressed a desire to turn his life around, there needs to be an intervention for what I see as depression. HE needs to want to be happy and adjust his life accordingly. I believe it is your job to be supportive and give him little pushes (or maybe shoves) along the way. If he chooses to seek help, be there for him and I'm sure you will. I admire you for not giving up.

I hope he discovers that what really matters is God and family. I think once he does that he will find not just happiness, but joy as well.

I think a date night is a good idea .

 

[Godismyhero]

You know, it's kinda funny... well not really. I glanced at the title of your thread, hadn't even clicked on it yet and I figured that your husband is an addict of some sort and/or depressed.

Everybody's different, but when it comes to certain things, it seems that many people follow the same cycle. It DOES sound like your husband was manipulative in "winning" you back. He may have done the right things, but he did them for selfish reasons. I really hate to say it, but by taking him back and not giving it more time, for whatever reason, you two didn't heal from the damage that was previously caused. It also sounds like your husband views himself as a failure. He is probably looking at the future and what it has in store for him and he might not be too happy about it. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he will find happiness in material possessions and selfish desires and when those fade away it's back to being depressed. After all, he does have addictive tendencies. Is his job a major source of his discontent?

Just like at some point your husband had an intervention for his drug abuse and expressed a desire to turn his life around, there needs to be an intervention for what I see as depression. HE needs to want to be happy and adjust his life accordingly. I believe it is your job to be supportive and give him little pushes (or maybe shoves) along the way. If he chooses to seek help, be there for him and I'm sure you will. I admire you for not giving up.

I hope he discovers that what really matters is God and family. I think once he does that he will find not just happiness, but joy as well.

I think a date night is a good idea .

Thanks you for your reply. Your so right, he does feel like a failure, he has felt like that since he was a little boy. His brother was treated much better than he was. Not only that but his older brother abused his in EVERY way possible, his brother is 5 years older than him. He HATED his brother for a very long time. He was the one that was picked on by his dad, singled out and picked on when his dad was still drinking, his dad now is a dry drunk as they call it, he still acts like an alcoholic just doesnt drink. My husband starting usind drugs when he was 9 years old, to block the pain on sexual abuse. He therefore is very very immature because he didnt grow emotionally for a long time. When i met him he had been clean for a couple years, he had been out of a 9 month stay in rehab for over a year. I didnt ever know that side to him, I didnt meet him until he was clean. He doesnt have a close relationship with his family, there is alot of hurt there as far as the brother always treated so much different. my husband has always felt rejected. So here comes me........ and had no idea what I was getting into, I didnt know how damaged he was, and I dont say that to sound uncompassionate but had I know all this I really would have had alot of second thoughts. I had 4 children still living at home. Thats a whole other story. He also has issues with lust and sexual addictions, it is very difficult to be his wife, I said I do to way more than I thought. but the second time around, I knew and still let him convince me that he had changed, I just am one of those people that want to believe the best in people. And we had 3 children together , I really felt God wanted to restore our family. But I cant be the only one willing to try. It doesnt work that way.

I agree totally that he is depressed. The drug he used, Meth depletes the dopamines in the brain, it wouldnt surprise me at all if he needed something to balance our his brain chemicals. He refuses to take anything like that, I have talked to him and told him I thought he was clinically depressed.

You hit it right on when you said is it his job causing him so much discontent. It is, he hates his job, he is overworked and treated badly at times. Our Pastor told him yesterday that his problem isnt his job, isnt how tired he is but is in his heart. If his heart was right then he wouldnt have so much anger over things at work and would have more peace. That I agree with. My husband deals with everythign with anger, he has since he was a kid, it helped him when his brother abused him to protect him but now it hurts him in every way. BUt he doesnt want to the the footwork.....sort of speak to help this situation. Pastor asked him how he thought his marriage was going and he said good!!! HE is so out of touch. I was discouraged cause if he thinks everything is fine then nothing will change. SOOOOO I am praying for God to do something in this situation.



IF he could get it, that God and family , seeking peace is the only way to true happiness then my prayers will be answered and we could be a happy family. He is really his own worst enemy, he self destructs, also an addict behaviour.



SOrry I didnt mean to go on so long!!!!

Thanks again for your reply!

 

[Gardener101]

Could it be a mid life crisis?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=475409&in_page_id=1770

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=475606&in_page_id=1770

 

[infaile]

You know, it's kinda funny... well not really. I glanced at the title of your thread, hadn't even clicked on it yet and I figured that your husband is an addict of some sort and/or depressed.

Everybody's different, but when it comes to certain things, it seems that many people follow the same cycle. It DOES sound like your husband was manipulative in "winning" you back. He may have done the right things, but he did them for selfish reasons. I really hate to say it, but by taking him back and not giving it more time, for whatever reason, you two didn't heal from the damage that was previously caused. It also sounds like your husband views himself as a failure. He is probably looking at the future and what it has in store for him and he might not be too happy about it. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he will find happiness in material possessions and selfish desires and when those fade away it's back to being depressed. After all, he does have addictive tendencies. Is his job a major source of his discontent?

Just like at some point your husband had an intervention for his drug abuse and expressed a desire to turn his life around, there needs to be an intervention for what I see as depression. HE needs to want to be happy and adjust his life accordingly. I believe it is your job to be supportive and give him little pushes (or maybe shoves) along the way. If he chooses to seek help, be there for him and I'm sure you will. I admire you for not giving up.

I hope he discovers that what really matters is God and family. I think once he does that he will find not just happiness, but joy as well.

I think a date night is a good idea .

I agree, and would like to add that from the perspective of a depressed person, the hardest obstacle to overcome is actually WANTING to feel better. We as humans have this amazing capacity for self-pity that probably nothing else in this entire world can match; when we feel bad enough, we want to make sure everyone knows it, and we don't want help to feel better, because moping and depression is so much easier.

Keep praying for your husband; only God can work a change in him to make him want to fix this.

 

[Godismyhero]

I agree, and would like to add that from the perspective of a depressed person, the hardest obstacle to overcome is actually WANTING to feel better. We as humans have this amazing capacity for self-pity that probably nothing else in this entire world can match; when we feel bad enough, we want to make sure everyone knows it, and we don't want help to feel better, because moping and depression is so much easier.

Keep praying for your husband; only God can work a change in him to make him want to fix this.

Thank you so much for writing, the support has been really good, it has been great to have this forum to share this and talk to other Christians.

 

[deliciousBass]

I agree, and would like to add that from the perspective of a depressed person, the hardest obstacle to overcome is actually WANTING to feel better. We as humans have this amazing capacity for self-pity that probably nothing else in this entire world can match; when we feel bad enough, we want to make sure everyone knows it, and we don't want help to feel better, because moping and depression is so much easier.

Keep praying for your husband; only God can work a change in him to make him want to fix this.

That is a really, really, really good point. I was depressed for umm.. over three years I'd say and I agree that the biggest obstacles were myself and wanting to feel better. I had to sweep my pride aside and get some help and I'm glad I did.

Godismyhero, do you think maybe someone your husband respects could advise him to get some help for his depression? It really is in his best interest. Do you know if he associates some kind of stigma with seeking help? I know I did. I thought of it as a sign of weakness, etc. and that it wouldn't help.

 

[Godismyhero]

That is a really, really, really good point. I was depressed for umm.. over three years I'd say and I agree that the biggest obstacles were myself and wanting to feel better. I had to sweep my pride aside and get some help and I'm glad I did.

Godismyhero, do you think maybe someone your husband respects could advise him to get some help for his depression? It really is in his best interest. Do you know if he associates some kind of stigma with seeking help? I know I did. I thought of it as a sign of weakness, etc. and that it wouldn't help.

Yes I am sure that his pride is in the way. First he wont admit he is depressed. He has an excuse for how he feels, or he will get angry if I try and address it. Or say that nothing is the matter. He woke up today completely negative, he is working out of town and wont be home tonight and I ammmm so glad, isnt that terrible! I am happier when he is gone cause he so miserable to be around. Right now I am completely frustrated. We did do our devotional, his heart isnt in it at all, he said, well I have to pack so lets get this done. I am tempted to call the Pastor today, I am going to pray about it. He might get defensive and angry if I do so I just dont know.

 

[infaile]

Yes I am sure that his pride is in the way. First he wont admit he is depressed. He has an excuse for how he feels, or he will get angry if I try and address it. Or say that nothing is the matter. He woke up today completely negative, he is working out of town and wont be home tonight and I ammmm so glad, isnt that terrible! I am happier when he is gone cause he so miserable to be around. Right now I am completely frustrated. We did do our devotional, his heart isnt in it at all, he said, well I have to pack so lets get this done. I am tempted to call the Pastor today, I am going to pray about it. He might get defensive and angry if I do so I just dont know.

Oddly enough, for me, admitting depression was the easy part. Actually wanting to fix that, though? Haha. I'm still working on that, but, one step at a time. And in the meantime, the patience and encouragement of my husband has meant so much to me. Try to keep your cool. I know how frustrating it is to live with a depressed loved one, and also how frustrated it is to BE depressed. As much as we might wallow in our self-pity and so on, we do want help. I desperately needed it, and have been taking steps to get myself out of this rut. But it's taken MONTHS. In depression, nothing happens quickly. It's a struggle the whole way, and each and every positive step that is taken HAS to be taken by the depressed person, and they have to want to do it - all you can do is remain on the sidelines and encourage them. Try, please try to remain patient.

Don't let your husband's anger stop you from reaching out to God. Remember that He is your Saviour and Comforter; don't be afraid to lean on Him in your time of need. Ask Him for strength and courage, love and long-suffering. Ask Him to help you bear up under the strain and the stress.

Pray often, and with a thankful heart for all that He has already done for you, and believe that He has a plan for your life and your husband's life.