I am in pain and despair to the core of my soul. I long for heaven and death so much. I wish Jesus would come back soon so I can go to heaven and not suffer anymore. I hate this life.
I see nothing but a long string of suffering years set before me and I don't want to live them. I don't want to do any of this anymore. Yet God picks me up by the scruff of the neck and shoves me forward as if to say "I know you don't like it and it will bring you much suffering but you have no choice in the matter. You have no choice but to suffer. You have no say in this. This is your lot. This is your bed that you made so you get to lie in it. You must go forward even if it drives you insane."
I don't have a choice. God is sovereign and leaves me to my misery only offering words words and words. Words no longer comfort me. Promises that never come to fruition do not keep me going. The counsel and compassion of friends no longer sustains me. Even love no longer brings me joy. Love cannot stop pain. Love cannot mend a broken spirit. It is not a medicine or a balm for my soul.
All I know is anguish. All I know is sorrow. There is no comfort. There is no joy.
I am upset with God. Angry, saddened, let down. I pray saying, "God please help me and ease my torment or let me die! Don't afflict me anymore! Don't sit back and allow me to be hurt more and suffer more. If You will not grant me the one thing on this earth that I desire above all else: to be cured of my physical afflictions, then grant me Your mercy as one would a dying animal and end my life!
What was so special about David that You delivered him from all his problems? Was not David a mere human like me? What was so special about Job that You gave him his health and life back? Was Job not a mere human like me? Was was so special about all those people in the past who You restored and delivered? Were they not all sinful humans like myself?
Is there something so horribly wrong with me that You refuse to grant me my only desire at that is no evil desire? I do not pray to win the lottery. I do not pray to become rich and famous. I do not pray to be successful in every single thing I do. I only pray for healing for myself and others. Are those not righteous prayers?
Your Son asked a man, 'What do you want me to do for you?' And the man responded that He wanted to be healed. And You healed him. But when I ask for the same, not so that I can return to my sinful ways, but to be better able to live a life that helps and serves others, You shut Your door in my face.
I have spent my entire life hating myself. I am never good enough. I am never well enough. And instead of loving me and reassuring me that I am precious to You, You allow me to be afflicted worse than I already was time and time again.
You have done me wrong. But to express that is apparently wrong. I am always wrong and You are always right. I am always doing wrong and You are always chastising me. No matter what I do it is never enough for You or anyone else. You do not love me for who I am. You do not love me for my personality, my hopes and dreams. You do not love me for my looks. You do not love me for my likes and dislikes. You do not love me for what I am good at or anything that I can do. You do not love me as a person. I am just one of many humans on this earth. I am just another unimportant soul that needs to be saved. I do not matter that much to you.
Yet I am commanded to love You, to trust You. I would not trust my earthly father with anything given his track record in my life. How can I trust You, my heavenly Father, given that your track record in my life has been lacking as well?
If there was something in my that was wrong I asked you to correct it. Silence. I asked You to bring about a good change for me. Silence. Silence and rejection and affliction are Your gifts to me.
Look at me and all the people around me who have been crying out and begging for your mercy and help. Look at the millions of us down here who despair of life and beg for death. Look at us! How long will you continue to ignore us? How long will you continue to offer nothing but empty promises and words words words?
You are all we have, do You not understand? You are it. We humans have nothing else. You are the only one who can help us and You stand by and do nothing when the affliction comes and do nothing to heal the pain and mess it causes. We have one life on this earth given by You. Do you not understand that it is just as important as the life after?
I am tired of being unimportant to You. I am tired of being afflicted and neglected.
I am tired and done. I am so done.
But I know You'll keep shoving me along uncaring of how much pain I'm in so long as I continue to have 'faith' in you regardless of the fact that my faith has availed me nothing as it has availed many people nothing."
I am worn out with praying for something that will never come. God does not think me important enough to help in the here and now.
I see nothing but a long string of suffering years set before me and I don't want to live them. I don't want to do any of this anymore. Yet God picks me up by the scruff of the neck and shoves me forward as if to say "I know you don't like it and it will bring you much suffering but you have no choice in the matter. You have no choice but to suffer. You have no say in this. This is your lot. This is your bed that you made so you get to lie in it. You must go forward even if it drives you insane."
I don't have a choice. God is sovereign and leaves me to my misery only offering words words and words. Words no longer comfort me. Promises that never come to fruition do not keep me going. The counsel and compassion of friends no longer sustains me. Even love no longer brings me joy. Love cannot stop pain. Love cannot mend a broken spirit. It is not a medicine or a balm for my soul.
All I know is anguish. All I know is sorrow. There is no comfort. There is no joy.
I am upset with God. Angry, saddened, let down. I pray saying, "God please help me and ease my torment or let me die! Don't afflict me anymore! Don't sit back and allow me to be hurt more and suffer more. If You will not grant me the one thing on this earth that I desire above all else: to be cured of my physical afflictions, then grant me Your mercy as one would a dying animal and end my life!
What was so special about David that You delivered him from all his problems? Was not David a mere human like me? What was so special about Job that You gave him his health and life back? Was Job not a mere human like me? Was was so special about all those people in the past who You restored and delivered? Were they not all sinful humans like myself?
Is there something so horribly wrong with me that You refuse to grant me my only desire at that is no evil desire? I do not pray to win the lottery. I do not pray to become rich and famous. I do not pray to be successful in every single thing I do. I only pray for healing for myself and others. Are those not righteous prayers?
Your Son asked a man, 'What do you want me to do for you?' And the man responded that He wanted to be healed. And You healed him. But when I ask for the same, not so that I can return to my sinful ways, but to be better able to live a life that helps and serves others, You shut Your door in my face.
I have spent my entire life hating myself. I am never good enough. I am never well enough. And instead of loving me and reassuring me that I am precious to You, You allow me to be afflicted worse than I already was time and time again.
You have done me wrong. But to express that is apparently wrong. I am always wrong and You are always right. I am always doing wrong and You are always chastising me. No matter what I do it is never enough for You or anyone else. You do not love me for who I am. You do not love me for my personality, my hopes and dreams. You do not love me for my looks. You do not love me for my likes and dislikes. You do not love me for what I am good at or anything that I can do. You do not love me as a person. I am just one of many humans on this earth. I am just another unimportant soul that needs to be saved. I do not matter that much to you.
Yet I am commanded to love You, to trust You. I would not trust my earthly father with anything given his track record in my life. How can I trust You, my heavenly Father, given that your track record in my life has been lacking as well?
If there was something in my that was wrong I asked you to correct it. Silence. I asked You to bring about a good change for me. Silence. Silence and rejection and affliction are Your gifts to me.
Look at me and all the people around me who have been crying out and begging for your mercy and help. Look at the millions of us down here who despair of life and beg for death. Look at us! How long will you continue to ignore us? How long will you continue to offer nothing but empty promises and words words words?
You are all we have, do You not understand? You are it. We humans have nothing else. You are the only one who can help us and You stand by and do nothing when the affliction comes and do nothing to heal the pain and mess it causes. We have one life on this earth given by You. Do you not understand that it is just as important as the life after?
I am tired of being unimportant to You. I am tired of being afflicted and neglected.
I am tired and done. I am so done.
But I know You'll keep shoving me along uncaring of how much pain I'm in so long as I continue to have 'faith' in you regardless of the fact that my faith has availed me nothing as it has availed many people nothing."
I am worn out with praying for something that will never come. God does not think me important enough to help in the here and now.
