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Wrong Side Of The Bed

  1. I just woke up foul today. I don't know what happened really. I had a dream about buying an attack on titan survey corps uniform, and occasionally I'll dream I have something I don't really, and just be a little disappointed when I realise it's not real. But then I didn't want to read the bible. I had to go to the gym, and I just felt so angry and bitter and self-pitying and destructive. I said some things I now realise how petty but also destructive they were. I was listening to hard rock/heavy metal (I know some people think it's bad but I don't think it's worse than any other type of plain music). Some lyrics were: Switchblade at the edge of your wrist, hanging witness. 'Cause agony brings no reward, for one more hit and one last score. Don't be a causality, cut the cord! This reminds me of; Switchblade hanging witness - what I have thought and done show the depression I have had and how deep it was. Agony brings no reward for one last hit - Doesn't matter how angry or upset I am, vengeance will not bring anything good. Don't be a causality of these things but cut the cord to them.

    All the verses about whoever abides in love abides in God, and God in him, and whoever says he loves God but does not love a brother is a liar and has not the truth, and the fruits of the Spirit against the things that will not enter the Kingdom I really feel condemned and hell-bound. I feel like I'm just rotten to my heart and from an evil heart bringing up hate and evil. I keep having thoughts cursing and judging and condemning people and insulting and blaspheming God. I have to wonder if I am saved, bad fruit comes from bad trees right? So if I produce too much bad fruit I have to wonder if I'm a bad tree. And the axe is at the roots.... Also the parts about the falling away.... I fear my condemnation but what if my fear doesn't lead to true repentance? I'm scared.

    About Author

    DeerGlow
    18-year-old baptist from Texas. I grew up in the church but strayed from the faith when I was around sixteen. I have a fear of committing apostasy, the unpardonable sin, and not being saved. I have undiagnosed mental issues, but live with them. I like to learn languages and have recently gotten into drawing and painting again. I am in a CF study group that is going through a whole-bible-in-a-year plan, which helps motivate me to read the Bible even on days I do not feel like it.

Comments

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  1. Aleksandros
    I struggled with anger and stuff myself today. Was very odd and unusual for me.. very disturbing; it showed me I need to get things right. Take it easy and bring it to God, this is a lowness of sanctifying grace, not lack of justification - it may simply also be caused by unconfessed sin.

    Btw, I would suggest that those lyrics disqualify that song from being listenenable to for Christians.

    One thing though, it's not a good idea to listen to metal/heavy rock when struggling with a mood colored by anger or frustration at all - or even susceptible to it! The problem is less with the music and more with the style, rhythms, and overall spirit of it. That's metal/hard rock for you - it's even in the name.

    One last tip is that it's best to pray about something like that, just to check with God, or it may needlessly interfere with your relationship with Him, or cause spiritual issues such as lack of grace. Never decide on these things, which are more or less longterm decisions, without checking with God. :)
    1. DeerGlow
      Lack of grace? :| I'll have think about this.
      Aleksandros likes this.
    2. Aleksandros
      Unconfessed known sin or doing things that displease God actively, hinders the work of the Spirit, and makes you get quite fleshly in your behavior. :)
  2. Bluerose31
    DeerGlow, I am praying for you. God loves you even though you are struggling right now. He wants you to feel peace and to feel content. Continue to pray to God as you already do and He will help you through this time of struggle.
    1. View previous replies...
    2. Bluerose31
      You are saved. God would never abandon you.
    3. DeerGlow
      Thank you for the encouragement.
    4. Bluerose31
      Your welcome DeerGlow