I just woke up foul today. I don't know what happened really. I had a dream about buying an attack on titan survey corps uniform, and occasionally I'll dream I have something I don't really, and just be a little disappointed when I realise it's not real. But then I didn't want to read the bible. I had to go to the gym, and I just felt so angry and bitter and self-pitying and destructive. I said some things I now realise how petty but also destructive they were. I was listening to hard rock/heavy metal (I know some people think it's bad but I don't think it's worse than any other type of plain music). Some lyrics were: Switchblade at the edge of your wrist, hanging witness. 'Cause agony brings no reward, for one more hit and one last score. Don't be a causality, cut the cord! This reminds me of; Switchblade hanging witness - what I have thought and done show the depression I have had and how deep it was. Agony brings no reward for one last hit - Doesn't matter how angry or upset I am, vengeance will not bring anything good. Don't be a causality of these things but cut the cord to them.
All the verses about whoever abides in love abides in God, and God in him, and whoever says he loves God but does not love a brother is a liar and has not the truth, and the fruits of the Spirit against the things that will not enter the Kingdom I really feel condemned and hell-bound. I feel like I'm just rotten to my heart and from an evil heart bringing up hate and evil. I keep having thoughts cursing and judging and condemning people and insulting and blaspheming God. I have to wonder if I am saved, bad fruit comes from bad trees right? So if I produce too much bad fruit I have to wonder if I'm a bad tree. And the axe is at the roots.... Also the parts about the falling away.... I fear my condemnation but what if my fear doesn't lead to true repentance? I'm scared.
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