Well I'm coming out of my shell (of my brain & projects). All this was partially because it was what it was, and I had a ton of stuff to do (complications) that took a lot of detail & concentration. A small part was a bit of an escape from more disappointment & discouragement. Part of that part just to break my thoughts & feelings(escapism) and part way proving I can actually do something (and have good fruit).
Yea, I guess I can run hot & cold or rather go cold turkey for quite some time. That is kind of HPD like, on the other hand when I do, I get into other interests & goals (more ASPD like) and become cold that way. If I'm caught up in that, I forget (or put out of my mind) that I'm at all interested in any relationships.
So I was observing myself, like what a cold geek I can be. Like I should care/be interested, but I don't.
So there I am thinking I don't care & I have to shake myself out of it and back to reality.
Ha and that very state made me more open & willing to take a chance (out of the feeling/position of it didn't really matter to me one way or the other- in this state). That at that moment, it wasn't so important to me, so I wasn't thinking I was risking anything. I wasn't already feeling anything, too I wasn't feeling I had anything to lose or any feelings on the line. Not feeling vulnerable at all. Hey so why not?
So I was thinking and feeling very free, like I'll just go ahead and do the right thing, and apologize. Maybe it would help them (if they remember and or have anything tied to that), if anything it was just the right thing to do.
Of course I was considering before, what if they tell me off and say something mean ( even worse than not remembering, in this case that would have been better). If they tell me off, ok I deserved it, they should be able to get that off their chest and let go (if they were holding anything).
So at the worst I was bracing myself for them to tell me off, at best I was hoping they would at least remember me (and not just the bad stuff).
I didn't want to come off like I was trying to "reconnect", but that I just wanted to apologize. That was the truth, I wasn't going to bother to think about anything else.
So I was really suprised and taken back by the response. I'm not going to get carried away and do and HPD thang and let the mind & emotions go forward before anything else. I'm, just trying to take it for what it was. They were friendly (as before) and said something really kind. That hit me so hard. That's the cold & hot, I don't know if I'm more vulnerable since coming out of a dry season, or what. It's not that I'm hoping for anything.... I guess it's just like what they Bible says about a hungry soul. I don't know if it's even so much that... but like living in a black and white world and then a ray of color comes in - how much is one going to notice that then. Not that I've been surrounded by so much negativity & abuse or something (like in days past) but ok dry, not too much encouraging, and if even so not thinking someone might say or do that something because they actually like you- for you. I mean kids don't get the option of getting to choose who they want for parents, they have to love what they got, and they love you because you take care of them- not because they like you as a person....
So hearing something that sounds nice, for real...is very touching.
Then of course there is a downside (isn't there usually). Then I think well that was even longer ago, and though we were close we still weren't as emotionally connected as me and this other person. And this person here (who I was in part pretty bad to) is able to share and remember/reminice and say something decent- and this other person that I thought was so close to me and cared... can't/didn't etc (and I didn't even do anything that bad to them). That just doesn't seem fair.
So if I can remember a say a couple hundred memory's of person A, and it follows time with B was longer & deeper so there fore it is true that would be multiplied into the thousands (whichever the actual number to start with, in anycase it is multiplied).
Like how could they not remember?
So either they are/were a cold person (not that I believe that), they have some kind of memory disorder. Or, they are just plain cruel.
...So back to the other ( I shouldn't let myself spoil this upbeat moment). Who knows if this is going to go anywhere. I should just enjoy that it was good for what it was, for the moment.
Then God blessed me to lift the cloud from my eyes so that I could remember again (with feeling though), like wait a minute it's true, no matter where things are at now- I have a had a bunch of good moments with various people, thoughout the years- no matter what things are like now. No matter if it was like money, here today and gone tommorrow. The moments did exist, they were real- at the time. I think I got the most out of them (knowing what I know then)- ha got my money's worth so to speak (ha as always).
Loved, I don't know, cared about yea I guess. I did my bit ( with God involved too) and it worked many a time. It was nice to be able to look at the pictures again and remember- the right way.
I dedicate this to someone always special, no matter what (Perfect song for them & us, lyrics are very fitting. I'm hoping in hope this is the real reason, for this rejection):
Tried to find the video it makes the story even clearer, but it's nowhere to be found.
Not Perfect by Church Of Rhythm - MP3 Music Streams on IMEEM
Yea, I guess I can run hot & cold or rather go cold turkey for quite some time. That is kind of HPD like, on the other hand when I do, I get into other interests & goals (more ASPD like) and become cold that way. If I'm caught up in that, I forget (or put out of my mind) that I'm at all interested in any relationships.
So I was observing myself, like what a cold geek I can be. Like I should care/be interested, but I don't.
So there I am thinking I don't care & I have to shake myself out of it and back to reality.
Ha and that very state made me more open & willing to take a chance (out of the feeling/position of it didn't really matter to me one way or the other- in this state). That at that moment, it wasn't so important to me, so I wasn't thinking I was risking anything. I wasn't already feeling anything, too I wasn't feeling I had anything to lose or any feelings on the line. Not feeling vulnerable at all. Hey so why not?
So I was thinking and feeling very free, like I'll just go ahead and do the right thing, and apologize. Maybe it would help them (if they remember and or have anything tied to that), if anything it was just the right thing to do.
Of course I was considering before, what if they tell me off and say something mean ( even worse than not remembering, in this case that would have been better). If they tell me off, ok I deserved it, they should be able to get that off their chest and let go (if they were holding anything).
So at the worst I was bracing myself for them to tell me off, at best I was hoping they would at least remember me (and not just the bad stuff).
I didn't want to come off like I was trying to "reconnect", but that I just wanted to apologize. That was the truth, I wasn't going to bother to think about anything else.
So I was really suprised and taken back by the response. I'm not going to get carried away and do and HPD thang and let the mind & emotions go forward before anything else. I'm, just trying to take it for what it was. They were friendly (as before) and said something really kind. That hit me so hard. That's the cold & hot, I don't know if I'm more vulnerable since coming out of a dry season, or what. It's not that I'm hoping for anything.... I guess it's just like what they Bible says about a hungry soul. I don't know if it's even so much that... but like living in a black and white world and then a ray of color comes in - how much is one going to notice that then. Not that I've been surrounded by so much negativity & abuse or something (like in days past) but ok dry, not too much encouraging, and if even so not thinking someone might say or do that something because they actually like you- for you. I mean kids don't get the option of getting to choose who they want for parents, they have to love what they got, and they love you because you take care of them- not because they like you as a person....
So hearing something that sounds nice, for real...is very touching.
Then of course there is a downside (isn't there usually). Then I think well that was even longer ago, and though we were close we still weren't as emotionally connected as me and this other person. And this person here (who I was in part pretty bad to) is able to share and remember/reminice and say something decent- and this other person that I thought was so close to me and cared... can't/didn't etc (and I didn't even do anything that bad to them). That just doesn't seem fair.
So if I can remember a say a couple hundred memory's of person A, and it follows time with B was longer & deeper so there fore it is true that would be multiplied into the thousands (whichever the actual number to start with, in anycase it is multiplied).
Like how could they not remember?
So either they are/were a cold person (not that I believe that), they have some kind of memory disorder. Or, they are just plain cruel.
...So back to the other ( I shouldn't let myself spoil this upbeat moment). Who knows if this is going to go anywhere. I should just enjoy that it was good for what it was, for the moment.
Then God blessed me to lift the cloud from my eyes so that I could remember again (with feeling though), like wait a minute it's true, no matter where things are at now- I have a had a bunch of good moments with various people, thoughout the years- no matter what things are like now. No matter if it was like money, here today and gone tommorrow. The moments did exist, they were real- at the time. I think I got the most out of them (knowing what I know then)- ha got my money's worth so to speak (ha as always).
Loved, I don't know, cared about yea I guess. I did my bit ( with God involved too) and it worked many a time. It was nice to be able to look at the pictures again and remember- the right way.
I dedicate this to someone always special, no matter what (Perfect song for them & us, lyrics are very fitting. I'm hoping in hope this is the real reason, for this rejection):
Tried to find the video it makes the story even clearer, but it's nowhere to be found.
Not Perfect by Church Of Rhythm - MP3 Music Streams on IMEEM