Things are changing in my life, Im changing. And its a bit scary, I admit, but thrilling-exciting at the same time
What are You up to God? I don't know, but its going to be amazing.
Tonight I was cooking and stabbing pain hit me in my stomach and I doubled over. It only lasted a moment but it had me concerned.
I've been having abdominal pain for a few weeks now. It usually comes with some discomfort and it's usually right before I wake up when I start to turn in my sleep. Sometimes it is accompanied by stinging in my feet.
But, I really have not been worried about it. Tonight was the first time it was that bad.
But I sat down to eat and I got almost all the way done with my meal... and suddenly felt so utterly disgusted with myself. How could sit there eating like that? I was eating sirloin ( or whatever it was, something slab of beef at my neighbor gave me) and rice with mushrooms. I would have had green beans too but my son tore those up. Anyhoo...I am not a small girl. I eat more than I should and I know that. In tonight there I was sitting eating a big meal- and it was steak- how many people get to eat that well? So many people have next to nothing to eat. People all over the world are starving. Someone may be reading this right now and thinking that I sound ridiculous. And I realize that whatever food I don't put in my mouth does not somehow magically make it to a starving person. But I sat there... peacefully eating my food and then all of the sudden.... I was just washed with sorrow and felt disgusted with myself. Why is it fair for me to get to have all that I have while other people suffer? While other people lack? Yes by the world standards I am impoverished. As of July 1st of this year I have no income. I exceeded the allowed in amount of time for my benefits. Before July I only had $307 a month. I'm on food stamps. I have Medicaid. By some standards I am severely poor. But let me tell you...I am so fortunate. I am so blessed. I am so favored. People on this Earth die every day of hunger. There are people who have no shelter. None. No clean water. Barely anything to eat or no food at all. And they die.
What am I doing about it?
Nothing.
I sit. I eat my meal of sirloin. I disgust myself. Why should I be deserving of anything that I have if I do nothing with it? Do I really believe that because I help my friend with some groceries every now and again I'm doing something? I did not even have enough on my card to help her with the usual amount today. Why didn't I have it? Because I didn't watch my spending. And because I was supposed to fill out an interim report. But I procrastinated. That paper sat on my table and day after day I saw it and thought I'll get it eventually. But I didn't so my car did not reload for this month. Normally I have plenty of rollover. But since I've been in school I stopped at the nearest convenience store everyday and pick up lunch and snacks for when my kids get out of daycare. It adds up and I did not pay attention.
I prayed for a little while this evening and in doing so came to realize that every sin is selfish.
Gluttony for example, taking and eating more than we need. It's selfish.
Lust is selfish. Because when we lust we care about satisfying the needs of our flesh.
Lying. Who is lying for? Not for other people. ( let's be honest even when you think you're lying to spare someone else's feelings- you're also lying to protect your own image because you don't want to feel bad when you hurt their feelings) lying certainly isn't for God either. Its selfish.
Judgment- often when we judge someone it is because we are comparing them to ourselves. We hold them up to some standard. Some standard that we have no right to make. It's not only selfish but really when you think about it it's prideful as well.
It is all selfish. Every sin only serves to satisfy the desires of our selfish flesh.
I don't know what God wants me to do. I think he was trying to show me... that it is finally time to change. Its time to stop being selfish. Time to stop being gluttonous while others lack. Time to stop being lazy when there's work to be done. And I'm not just talking about work as in a job or cleaning my home or even caring for my kids. That is all very important work. But when I say there's work to be done- I am talking about God's work. It's time for me to stop sitting around living my life just for me. Time for me to start caring about things bigger than myself.
But I can't do it in myself. Apart from Him I am nothing. Whatever is to be done it will be him working through me.
Oh God. Glorious God. Have your way. I'm just a beggar. I know you use broken things- broken children. So here I am God im all yours. ( yes I got that from a song)
Whatever you're doing God it's going to be beautiful. I'm not afraid.
I've added an image to this blog after writing it yesterday. Very early this morning as I started to stir in my sleep a bit, my head kept repeating " I am the way the truth and the life."
It had me curious so I woke up. I was familiar with that verse but could not remember where exactly it was in the Bible and wanted to know the rest of the scripture. So of course I hopped on Google. ( come on can we live without Google? Lol) and found that it was John 14:6. I read all of John 14 this morning and...it really...hit home on some things. But the very next page in my bible with the one that you see in the picture. A devotional titled "faithfully available". The other night I happen to turn to a devotional titled "God's perfect timing"
Its like " Christina do you need an anvil to fall on your head? I'm trying to tell you something."
What are You up to God? I don't know, but its going to be amazing.
Tonight I was cooking and stabbing pain hit me in my stomach and I doubled over. It only lasted a moment but it had me concerned.
I've been having abdominal pain for a few weeks now. It usually comes with some discomfort and it's usually right before I wake up when I start to turn in my sleep. Sometimes it is accompanied by stinging in my feet.
But, I really have not been worried about it. Tonight was the first time it was that bad.
But I sat down to eat and I got almost all the way done with my meal... and suddenly felt so utterly disgusted with myself. How could sit there eating like that? I was eating sirloin ( or whatever it was, something slab of beef at my neighbor gave me) and rice with mushrooms. I would have had green beans too but my son tore those up. Anyhoo...I am not a small girl. I eat more than I should and I know that. In tonight there I was sitting eating a big meal- and it was steak- how many people get to eat that well? So many people have next to nothing to eat. People all over the world are starving. Someone may be reading this right now and thinking that I sound ridiculous. And I realize that whatever food I don't put in my mouth does not somehow magically make it to a starving person. But I sat there... peacefully eating my food and then all of the sudden.... I was just washed with sorrow and felt disgusted with myself. Why is it fair for me to get to have all that I have while other people suffer? While other people lack? Yes by the world standards I am impoverished. As of July 1st of this year I have no income. I exceeded the allowed in amount of time for my benefits. Before July I only had $307 a month. I'm on food stamps. I have Medicaid. By some standards I am severely poor. But let me tell you...I am so fortunate. I am so blessed. I am so favored. People on this Earth die every day of hunger. There are people who have no shelter. None. No clean water. Barely anything to eat or no food at all. And they die.
What am I doing about it?
Nothing.
I sit. I eat my meal of sirloin. I disgust myself. Why should I be deserving of anything that I have if I do nothing with it? Do I really believe that because I help my friend with some groceries every now and again I'm doing something? I did not even have enough on my card to help her with the usual amount today. Why didn't I have it? Because I didn't watch my spending. And because I was supposed to fill out an interim report. But I procrastinated. That paper sat on my table and day after day I saw it and thought I'll get it eventually. But I didn't so my car did not reload for this month. Normally I have plenty of rollover. But since I've been in school I stopped at the nearest convenience store everyday and pick up lunch and snacks for when my kids get out of daycare. It adds up and I did not pay attention.
I prayed for a little while this evening and in doing so came to realize that every sin is selfish.
Gluttony for example, taking and eating more than we need. It's selfish.
Lust is selfish. Because when we lust we care about satisfying the needs of our flesh.
Lying. Who is lying for? Not for other people. ( let's be honest even when you think you're lying to spare someone else's feelings- you're also lying to protect your own image because you don't want to feel bad when you hurt their feelings) lying certainly isn't for God either. Its selfish.
Judgment- often when we judge someone it is because we are comparing them to ourselves. We hold them up to some standard. Some standard that we have no right to make. It's not only selfish but really when you think about it it's prideful as well.
It is all selfish. Every sin only serves to satisfy the desires of our selfish flesh.
I don't know what God wants me to do. I think he was trying to show me... that it is finally time to change. Its time to stop being selfish. Time to stop being gluttonous while others lack. Time to stop being lazy when there's work to be done. And I'm not just talking about work as in a job or cleaning my home or even caring for my kids. That is all very important work. But when I say there's work to be done- I am talking about God's work. It's time for me to stop sitting around living my life just for me. Time for me to start caring about things bigger than myself.
But I can't do it in myself. Apart from Him I am nothing. Whatever is to be done it will be him working through me.
Oh God. Glorious God. Have your way. I'm just a beggar. I know you use broken things- broken children. So here I am God im all yours. ( yes I got that from a song)
Whatever you're doing God it's going to be beautiful. I'm not afraid.
I've added an image to this blog after writing it yesterday. Very early this morning as I started to stir in my sleep a bit, my head kept repeating " I am the way the truth and the life."
It had me curious so I woke up. I was familiar with that verse but could not remember where exactly it was in the Bible and wanted to know the rest of the scripture. So of course I hopped on Google. ( come on can we live without Google? Lol) and found that it was John 14:6. I read all of John 14 this morning and...it really...hit home on some things. But the very next page in my bible with the one that you see in the picture. A devotional titled "faithfully available". The other night I happen to turn to a devotional titled "God's perfect timing"
Its like " Christina do you need an anvil to fall on your head? I'm trying to tell you something."
