I made a series of three blog posts back in August before I left this website suddenly. I wanted to make one last post because I only feel like it was a big part of my life for so long that before I come publicly out, I want to be out completely. Some of you already know, but I am a transgender person. I know am active on the LGBT Christian community on Reddit, and run a Discord server where dozens of us have awesome fellowship, as well am a friend and minister to my non-Christian transgender friends. I have been on hormones for them since November, and here has been my story...
November 8 – Today is the day of my hormone consultation, and I find myself super anxious and excited to begin. My parents think that I am going to work and all will be a normal day, they are not ready to know that I am starting hormones. I cannot believe this moment is here! I always knew this day would eventually come, and it seems a bit surreal.
I hope I get my prescription today; the dysphoria has been so bad in these recent months that I just want some relief. I know that it is a long, multi-year process, but I am so close to just having this mental torture over and done with.
November 9 – My hormone consult went super great, and now it is just a matter of waiting for the pharmacy to get and fill my prescription! I hope my bloodwork comes in and there’s nothing to stop me. My doctor was super friendly, helpful, and supportive of the whole thing. In fact, the whole office was. When I was waiting in the waiting room they used “Macie”, and it took me a second before my brain went “Oh right, that’s me!” I was in there a long time, and she did a great job at explaining how the whole process works, what it really means by risks is that I am just switching from the male at risk thing to the female. The lab work however, seemed like she was testing everything under the sun, seriously, I think I did like 5 tubes and a urine sample, I hope it’s not that every time cause that was super intense.
November 12 – I started hormones today! I cannot believe this moment is finally here! I got the notification on my phone from CVS that two prescriptions had been filled, checked to see “Spironolactone” and “Estradiol”, and I immediately went to go pick them up. I had never been this excited to get a prescription for anything in my life. The pills have not just been four days coming, but decades coming. It is so surreal and unbelievable. I took pictures and shared them with my trans and supportive friends who were all so happy for me! Today is a day of happiness.
I took them in my car, in the parking lot of a JCPenney. Yes, that’s right; my journey into physical womanhood began in a JCPenney parking lot, no shame. The Spiro was minty, and the estradiol was this chalky and subtly sweet pill that dissolved underneath my tongue, kind of like a Sweetart that did not get very much flavor. I smiled through the whole thing, even afterwards when I held the door open and a man said to me “Thank you sir” I did not care, just smiled and thought to myself “OH the irony, but not anymore.
November 15 – I feel, off. I do not really know how to explain it. It’s a very strange feeling; it’s something I’ve never felt before. It doesn’t necessarily feel bad, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good either. It’s just, nothing, but also not like a depressive numbness that I’ve felt when depressed. Is this what normalcy is? Am I finally feeling normalcy?
November 16 – I think what I feel is finally just…normal, healthy mind. My depression is gone, my anxiety is gone, and my mind just seems clear for the first time in my life. I think that I had just gotten so used to this mental fog that had always been there. I realized that after feeling happiness for the first time ever in my life. Dysphoria is out and euphoria is officially in. I wonder how much of it is simply placebo and how much of it is actually having the right hormones go through my mind.
The other awesome thing that's happened is that my sexual desires seem to have been nuked. I have no desire to watch or consume inappropriate content anymore. I feel like I am in control of my sexuality for the first time ever, testosterone really was poisoning my mind.
December 12 – Today is one month! I have had no dysphoric episodes since starting, and my mental health is black and white, I already know. This has been the best month of my life. I’ve also noticed that these weird little temper are gone as well, I have had none in a month. I have nothing left to say but just I cannot believe that I waited this long.
December 21 – I felt awkward and out of place in a men’s restroom for the first time today. This dude kind of stared at me for a moment until he saw my goatee in the front. Changes are definitely happening.
December 22 – I had my first HRT checkup today, and I have a medically confirmed breast bud! I thought I first noticed it about a week ago, but it’s there on my right side. The appointment was actually rather painful with her having to prod all around up there.
January 12 – Two months on HRT and still no dysphoria! I have also moved and found a new job so life has been crazy! On the other hand, my roommate and I had a great conversation about it, and I told my best friend. I was amazed and how he and his wife were supportive. I kind of figured they would be, but it was nice to get that over with. I felt very touched that he actually wanted me to hear him say “I forgive you” for how he responded to me coming out to him back in high school. I understand why, but it was a nice moment.
I have also an awesome and supportive church, and a great network of fellow transgender people that I hope to get to know more as time goes on.
February 3 – My friends, sister, and brother-in-law all know. I had to go with Plan C with my sister and brother-in-law, but the important thing is that they now know. I wish that I was able to talk to them about it a bit more about it. Next week I have a big moment coming up, and I am slowly psyching myself up for it.
February 11 – Last night went amazing! It felt so surreal, and the moment had been a long time coming, but my friends saw and hung out with me, the real me, for the first time ever in my life. I also met people I don’t know in girl and it went so much better than I thought. Honestly, alcohol likely had a factor in that. I cannot believe I did that, but I am so glad that I did that. I am still not sure that it was a dream or not, but there are pictures so it did happen!
February 20 – Month 3 of hormones has gone a bit different than the first time, I have had bouts of dysphoria here and then. The three month low that I have heard talked about is in fact real. It is still different this time; it’s less about where I am, but more about where I am not yet. It seems to be an important distinction. I don’t feel like my breasts are missing, but that they’re not yet fully developed. I still would not go back, I would never go back. The difference is still such clearly black and white that hormones are as necessary as my stomach medication. I need my hormones I’ve realized.
I have also realized that I do not wear my boy clothes anymore except to work, I just come home and put on my girl clothes like it’s a habit. It seems to have just kind happened that my default clothing is now female. I am not always in full femme, but I am always wearing at least a women’s top or bottom with a more androgynous top. It just kind of, happened without me even being aware of it really, and it’s exciting! I have also realized that I am much more confident going out in public wearing women’s clothing because I see them now as my clothing and see myself as a woman now. The first time I went to my transgroup in femme, my head was down and I kept to myself; this week I walked to my car head up. I keep repeating a saying a coworker has on her desk “Chin up princess, or the crown slips!”, which has now become my confidence mantra.
February 23 – I called my second job today to start that process, which is very weird to think about. I have realized due to just being treated like another one of the cis guys despite literally everyone else I am involved with knowing that I am transgender. This had been slowly annoying me for about the first month that I worked for, it was then after this past Saturday night that I realized something needed to change. A male coworker of mine decided to scare me in the bathroom, even grabbing me from behind, and I think that if a cis male, nothing really would have bothered me about it, just maybe a slight annoyance. However, now as someone out, it did nothing but scare me and make me super uncomfortable, throwing me off for the rest of the night all I could think about.
March 1 – It has finally set in fully that I have friends and acquaintances offline now that only know me as a transwoman named Macie. Even if they have not necessarily seen me present in femme, they know me as Macie and just know I am trans just like they know what I do for a living. That is really cool and affirming to think about it. They don’t know (boy name) at all, don’t know closeted me, they just know me, even if it still only coming into being. It is amazing.
In 12 days, I am coming out publicly. It’s scary, but I am looking forward to finally being completely out. My parents still are in denial, but I am sending an email that basically says “I know you are not okay with this, but this is happening and I just want you to stay in the loop”. Honestly, my friend Katherine was a major inspiration for coming out now. She is trans friend of mine I met our freshman year of college and was casual friends with throughout.
- Macie
November 8 – Today is the day of my hormone consultation, and I find myself super anxious and excited to begin. My parents think that I am going to work and all will be a normal day, they are not ready to know that I am starting hormones. I cannot believe this moment is here! I always knew this day would eventually come, and it seems a bit surreal.
I hope I get my prescription today; the dysphoria has been so bad in these recent months that I just want some relief. I know that it is a long, multi-year process, but I am so close to just having this mental torture over and done with.
November 9 – My hormone consult went super great, and now it is just a matter of waiting for the pharmacy to get and fill my prescription! I hope my bloodwork comes in and there’s nothing to stop me. My doctor was super friendly, helpful, and supportive of the whole thing. In fact, the whole office was. When I was waiting in the waiting room they used “Macie”, and it took me a second before my brain went “Oh right, that’s me!” I was in there a long time, and she did a great job at explaining how the whole process works, what it really means by risks is that I am just switching from the male at risk thing to the female. The lab work however, seemed like she was testing everything under the sun, seriously, I think I did like 5 tubes and a urine sample, I hope it’s not that every time cause that was super intense.
November 12 – I started hormones today! I cannot believe this moment is finally here! I got the notification on my phone from CVS that two prescriptions had been filled, checked to see “Spironolactone” and “Estradiol”, and I immediately went to go pick them up. I had never been this excited to get a prescription for anything in my life. The pills have not just been four days coming, but decades coming. It is so surreal and unbelievable. I took pictures and shared them with my trans and supportive friends who were all so happy for me! Today is a day of happiness.
I took them in my car, in the parking lot of a JCPenney. Yes, that’s right; my journey into physical womanhood began in a JCPenney parking lot, no shame. The Spiro was minty, and the estradiol was this chalky and subtly sweet pill that dissolved underneath my tongue, kind of like a Sweetart that did not get very much flavor. I smiled through the whole thing, even afterwards when I held the door open and a man said to me “Thank you sir” I did not care, just smiled and thought to myself “OH the irony, but not anymore.
November 15 – I feel, off. I do not really know how to explain it. It’s a very strange feeling; it’s something I’ve never felt before. It doesn’t necessarily feel bad, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good either. It’s just, nothing, but also not like a depressive numbness that I’ve felt when depressed. Is this what normalcy is? Am I finally feeling normalcy?
November 16 – I think what I feel is finally just…normal, healthy mind. My depression is gone, my anxiety is gone, and my mind just seems clear for the first time in my life. I think that I had just gotten so used to this mental fog that had always been there. I realized that after feeling happiness for the first time ever in my life. Dysphoria is out and euphoria is officially in. I wonder how much of it is simply placebo and how much of it is actually having the right hormones go through my mind.
The other awesome thing that's happened is that my sexual desires seem to have been nuked. I have no desire to watch or consume inappropriate content anymore. I feel like I am in control of my sexuality for the first time ever, testosterone really was poisoning my mind.
December 12 – Today is one month! I have had no dysphoric episodes since starting, and my mental health is black and white, I already know. This has been the best month of my life. I’ve also noticed that these weird little temper are gone as well, I have had none in a month. I have nothing left to say but just I cannot believe that I waited this long.
December 21 – I felt awkward and out of place in a men’s restroom for the first time today. This dude kind of stared at me for a moment until he saw my goatee in the front. Changes are definitely happening.
December 22 – I had my first HRT checkup today, and I have a medically confirmed breast bud! I thought I first noticed it about a week ago, but it’s there on my right side. The appointment was actually rather painful with her having to prod all around up there.
January 12 – Two months on HRT and still no dysphoria! I have also moved and found a new job so life has been crazy! On the other hand, my roommate and I had a great conversation about it, and I told my best friend. I was amazed and how he and his wife were supportive. I kind of figured they would be, but it was nice to get that over with. I felt very touched that he actually wanted me to hear him say “I forgive you” for how he responded to me coming out to him back in high school. I understand why, but it was a nice moment.
I have also an awesome and supportive church, and a great network of fellow transgender people that I hope to get to know more as time goes on.
February 3 – My friends, sister, and brother-in-law all know. I had to go with Plan C with my sister and brother-in-law, but the important thing is that they now know. I wish that I was able to talk to them about it a bit more about it. Next week I have a big moment coming up, and I am slowly psyching myself up for it.
February 11 – Last night went amazing! It felt so surreal, and the moment had been a long time coming, but my friends saw and hung out with me, the real me, for the first time ever in my life. I also met people I don’t know in girl and it went so much better than I thought. Honestly, alcohol likely had a factor in that. I cannot believe I did that, but I am so glad that I did that. I am still not sure that it was a dream or not, but there are pictures so it did happen!
February 20 – Month 3 of hormones has gone a bit different than the first time, I have had bouts of dysphoria here and then. The three month low that I have heard talked about is in fact real. It is still different this time; it’s less about where I am, but more about where I am not yet. It seems to be an important distinction. I don’t feel like my breasts are missing, but that they’re not yet fully developed. I still would not go back, I would never go back. The difference is still such clearly black and white that hormones are as necessary as my stomach medication. I need my hormones I’ve realized.
I have also realized that I do not wear my boy clothes anymore except to work, I just come home and put on my girl clothes like it’s a habit. It seems to have just kind happened that my default clothing is now female. I am not always in full femme, but I am always wearing at least a women’s top or bottom with a more androgynous top. It just kind of, happened without me even being aware of it really, and it’s exciting! I have also realized that I am much more confident going out in public wearing women’s clothing because I see them now as my clothing and see myself as a woman now. The first time I went to my transgroup in femme, my head was down and I kept to myself; this week I walked to my car head up. I keep repeating a saying a coworker has on her desk “Chin up princess, or the crown slips!”, which has now become my confidence mantra.
February 23 – I called my second job today to start that process, which is very weird to think about. I have realized due to just being treated like another one of the cis guys despite literally everyone else I am involved with knowing that I am transgender. This had been slowly annoying me for about the first month that I worked for, it was then after this past Saturday night that I realized something needed to change. A male coworker of mine decided to scare me in the bathroom, even grabbing me from behind, and I think that if a cis male, nothing really would have bothered me about it, just maybe a slight annoyance. However, now as someone out, it did nothing but scare me and make me super uncomfortable, throwing me off for the rest of the night all I could think about.
March 1 – It has finally set in fully that I have friends and acquaintances offline now that only know me as a transwoman named Macie. Even if they have not necessarily seen me present in femme, they know me as Macie and just know I am trans just like they know what I do for a living. That is really cool and affirming to think about it. They don’t know (boy name) at all, don’t know closeted me, they just know me, even if it still only coming into being. It is amazing.
In 12 days, I am coming out publicly. It’s scary, but I am looking forward to finally being completely out. My parents still are in denial, but I am sending an email that basically says “I know you are not okay with this, but this is happening and I just want you to stay in the loop”. Honestly, my friend Katherine was a major inspiration for coming out now. She is trans friend of mine I met our freshman year of college and was casual friends with throughout.
- Macie
