This one is probably the most emotional one I will write.
My whole life, I have been taught without words that I am not worth anything. That I am an object to be used by men. When I was 6, the neighbor's teenage son touched me and made me touch him. When I was 12, a visiting missionary started spending his summers groping me. When I was 16, two of my guy friends did nothing but lie about who they were and what they wanted. When I was 18, my boyfriend used every manipulation he could think of to try to get me to have sex with him. When I broke up with him, he resorted to threats. When I was 20, I really really liked a guy and he said he was going to talk to my dad about dating me.... then said he was in love with another girl and cut me out of his life. He and she both said a lot of hurtful things to me during that time, and some of my other friends walked away from me because he and I weren't speaking. His leaving was the last straw for me. I broke. I completely broke. I prayed for a while but wallowed in self pity instead. I started hurting myself to make myself feel better emotionally. I pushed everyone away while wanting someone to pull me close. It was a terrible, dark time.
One night, my hall had a retreat at my RA's church. We separated into pairs for prayer time, and my roommate and I sat together and talked. She confided in me about some of her insecurities about being a new Christian and God brought to mind 1 Samuel 16:7b "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." She had never heard of that, so I explained about when Samuel was sent to anoint one of Jesse's sons as king. David's brothers were all handsome and strong and regal, but God wanted the lowly shepherd boy. God wanted a heart that sought after Him, and that is what He asks of us. Just before this conversation, a friend had just texted me telling me that he was deleting my number and wanted nothing more to do with me because he was a mutual friend with me and the guy I had liked so much. Telling my roommate about how God looks at us brought me to tears. I remembered that the only acceptance, the only relationship that matters is the one between me and God. I started investigating further. I wanted to know more about His promises. I searched out the passage that said that God knitted us in our mother's womb and found Psalm 139. I encourage you to read that chapter and look at everything in there. Oh, if you could see it in my Bible. It is highlighted and underlined and starred and there are notes in the margins. It is definitely my favorite passage. There is so much to learn! Verses 1-3 tell us that He knows every detail of our lives, every habit. He knows us intimately. Verse 4 tells us that He hears our cries before we can even vocalize them. Verses 5-6 say that He protects us in ways that we can't even see. Verses 7-12 say that no matter what happens, where we go, God will never leave us. Verses 13-16 tell us that God personally created each of us. Verse 16 says that God knows and planned each and every one of our days, from birth til death. Verses 17-18 say that God thinks about each and every one of us. The whole passage leaves room for no response other than the prayer in verses 23-24: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." If that passage does not make you feel loved by God, I don't know what will. Oh, how He loves us! I read it and was moved to tears. I repented of my self pity and begged God to give me the strength to find my value in Him rather than in the way others see me, and I still refer back to that lesson in my interactions with other people.
My whole life, I have been taught without words that I am not worth anything. That I am an object to be used by men. When I was 6, the neighbor's teenage son touched me and made me touch him. When I was 12, a visiting missionary started spending his summers groping me. When I was 16, two of my guy friends did nothing but lie about who they were and what they wanted. When I was 18, my boyfriend used every manipulation he could think of to try to get me to have sex with him. When I broke up with him, he resorted to threats. When I was 20, I really really liked a guy and he said he was going to talk to my dad about dating me.... then said he was in love with another girl and cut me out of his life. He and she both said a lot of hurtful things to me during that time, and some of my other friends walked away from me because he and I weren't speaking. His leaving was the last straw for me. I broke. I completely broke. I prayed for a while but wallowed in self pity instead. I started hurting myself to make myself feel better emotionally. I pushed everyone away while wanting someone to pull me close. It was a terrible, dark time.
One night, my hall had a retreat at my RA's church. We separated into pairs for prayer time, and my roommate and I sat together and talked. She confided in me about some of her insecurities about being a new Christian and God brought to mind 1 Samuel 16:7b "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." She had never heard of that, so I explained about when Samuel was sent to anoint one of Jesse's sons as king. David's brothers were all handsome and strong and regal, but God wanted the lowly shepherd boy. God wanted a heart that sought after Him, and that is what He asks of us. Just before this conversation, a friend had just texted me telling me that he was deleting my number and wanted nothing more to do with me because he was a mutual friend with me and the guy I had liked so much. Telling my roommate about how God looks at us brought me to tears. I remembered that the only acceptance, the only relationship that matters is the one between me and God. I started investigating further. I wanted to know more about His promises. I searched out the passage that said that God knitted us in our mother's womb and found Psalm 139. I encourage you to read that chapter and look at everything in there. Oh, if you could see it in my Bible. It is highlighted and underlined and starred and there are notes in the margins. It is definitely my favorite passage. There is so much to learn! Verses 1-3 tell us that He knows every detail of our lives, every habit. He knows us intimately. Verse 4 tells us that He hears our cries before we can even vocalize them. Verses 5-6 say that He protects us in ways that we can't even see. Verses 7-12 say that no matter what happens, where we go, God will never leave us. Verses 13-16 tell us that God personally created each of us. Verse 16 says that God knows and planned each and every one of our days, from birth til death. Verses 17-18 say that God thinks about each and every one of us. The whole passage leaves room for no response other than the prayer in verses 23-24: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." If that passage does not make you feel loved by God, I don't know what will. Oh, how He loves us! I read it and was moved to tears. I repented of my self pity and begged God to give me the strength to find my value in Him rather than in the way others see me, and I still refer back to that lesson in my interactions with other people.
