Im healing, and getting tougher..
I was at my church today, I have a key! its a tiny church! I feel very guilty being there because I do not like the minister and his sermons are ineffective, yet, I get to play drums for free! No heat, but a building, and I get to play the piano and sing... If the minister liked me I would like him, I have nothing against him! He wont be honest with me! if he thinks I should pay money for the use of the building, why doesn't he tell me! or tell me to find my own building to play in! I wont leave until Im kicked out! and he's not kicking me out, yet he has mass passive aggression for me being in his church!
No one will tell me to leave! I asked the minister if any problems exist between me and him, he said no! I said OK. I was off to play the piano!
Since he pays the rent for the building he acts like Im using him! I do play the drums every sunday and come to some of the bible studies. However, there is this hate like: " get out of my church, or our church, your not wanted here!" Its this white middle class double standard slop! However, he's never asked me to leave! He acts like I owe him everything, and he is innocent. He is a typical narcissist!with no conscious. He acts like everyone is suppose to answer to him, its ridiculous.
However, I would love to leave. I pray about it all the time! I do not get an answer yet from God to leave, and I do not know why!
I do not have another place to practice music and Im on a very low fixed income! This is one reason they do not want me at there church! They want middle class money! They want to look good, like churches in the late 60's and early 70's.
Im not sure what to do! TRust God.. I believe God is allowing me to continue to heal and I need this place and my participation to heal.
Im attempting to come back to the real world and its grueling hard work. Lots of inner and outer conflict.
One big problem: Im not sure how to handle conflict yet! I have not been awake to handle anything, nor strong enough! However, Im quickly learning how to leave the situation!
OK
I was at my church today, I have a key! its a tiny church! I feel very guilty being there because I do not like the minister and his sermons are ineffective, yet, I get to play drums for free! No heat, but a building, and I get to play the piano and sing... If the minister liked me I would like him, I have nothing against him! He wont be honest with me! if he thinks I should pay money for the use of the building, why doesn't he tell me! or tell me to find my own building to play in! I wont leave until Im kicked out! and he's not kicking me out, yet he has mass passive aggression for me being in his church!
No one will tell me to leave! I asked the minister if any problems exist between me and him, he said no! I said OK. I was off to play the piano!
Since he pays the rent for the building he acts like Im using him! I do play the drums every sunday and come to some of the bible studies. However, there is this hate like: " get out of my church, or our church, your not wanted here!" Its this white middle class double standard slop! However, he's never asked me to leave! He acts like I owe him everything, and he is innocent. He is a typical narcissist!with no conscious. He acts like everyone is suppose to answer to him, its ridiculous.
However, I would love to leave. I pray about it all the time! I do not get an answer yet from God to leave, and I do not know why!
I do not have another place to practice music and Im on a very low fixed income! This is one reason they do not want me at there church! They want middle class money! They want to look good, like churches in the late 60's and early 70's.
Im not sure what to do! TRust God.. I believe God is allowing me to continue to heal and I need this place and my participation to heal.
Im attempting to come back to the real world and its grueling hard work. Lots of inner and outer conflict.
One big problem: Im not sure how to handle conflict yet! I have not been awake to handle anything, nor strong enough! However, Im quickly learning how to leave the situation!
OK
