God, what are you doing? Freaking me out even more!!!
Okay, so God has been helping me overcome my nervousness and fears a lot lately. Here's the thing, He showed me so much of His power and His greatness last year, it really made me flee. I couldn't understand it.
I came from having absolutely nothing. No love, no friends, no job, no will to live, no purpose, no anything. I was seeking supernatural experiences my whole life, and I had a lot of them. But of course, that caused me to completely lose my mind, my conscience, any sense of morality. Because I was controlled by evil.
Then Jesus came into my life, and He changed everything. I felt loved for the first time in my life, and that was overwhelming enough. Then He gave me a deep faith almost immediately, and I saw great miracles. He changed me and taught me from His Word. I love Him so much, and I am so grateful for everything.
Then I got an intense fear of not having done anything for Him before I die, and I prayed in tears "Just let me do one single thing, just anything at all!"
Then last year happened. And all I could see was disaster and chaos, pain and trials. And God. He was so deeply involved in everything. He gave me work during my struggles, to keep me going. People to help. Words to give them, to encourage them, to correct them, to bring them closer to Christ. He gave me visions and dreams, and He prophecied through me to them. I was taught how to cast out evil spirits, and for real, so they won't come back, by breaking strongholds and healing soul wounds, defeating lies with truth. And I got to watch two people coming out of darkness and beginning to really know Jesus Christ, the real one. I got to witness and preach to unbelievers, and that was wonderful.
And God says not to worry about all the sin and mistakes from last year, that will all be burnt like Satan. All that will be left in me is God, His Word, His Righteousness, His Love and His Holy Spirit.
So I started to get a little comfortable, then suddenly He started teaching me about the Holy Spirit, and who He is. That He is the Spirit that was hovering over the waters during creation, that He is what did all the miracles in the Old Testament, that He is who raised Jesus from the dead. It freaked me out completely, and after having been controlled by evil my whole life, I got really scared. I didn't want that in me! It's too much!
But God isn't like that. He broke through to me, by showing me yet again how much He loves me and wants to heal me, give me self-control and not to control me. And He pulled away from me long enough to get me to see that there is absolutely no goodness without Him, and that everything in me that I love and have cherished since I was saved, come from Him. I stopped being afraid of Him. I really love Him so much, and I hate when I offend Him. I'm just very damaged from my past.
Yesterday, He really got through to me. I felt completely comfortable again.
I've accepted that maybe He isn't going to let me just "do one single thing for Him". That was coming from a place of condemnation, when I was still in darkness.
He is going to use me for a lot, because that's why He created me, and that's why He has taught me so much. And the Holy Spirit will give me the power to do so.
So last night I was hanging out with my ex boyfriend from many years ago. We dated for about five years, before I got saved, and our relationship really hurt him, because of my issues and my demons. It was horrible. He was left a mess. But we stayed friends, and I have decided to do everything I can to help God open his eyes, and God is doing very much. I get to tell him about Jesus and the Gospel, and God has been showing Himself in quite obvious ways. But he used to be a stone cold atheist, almost as arrogant as Richard Dawkins.
(We're just friends, do don't worry, we aren't even attracted to each other any longer. I won't live in sin, and I see the dangers.)
So he was asking me whether he should get surgery for his eyes, so he wouldn't have to have glasses. And I said "why not just ask God to heal them?" And I got mocked, because I wear glasses myself, and why has God not healed my eyes? Well, I haven't asked Him for it. Then I prayed, and I felt the Spirit reminding me of how Jesus restored the sight to the blind. And in literal ways. And God telling me this is the kind of thing that I'm going to do for Him in the future. My faith could handle this, I've been physically healed in the past. But to do this for others... Freaking out!
I once prayed for a dead plant in his home, and God gave it new life. That was amazing, but this???
I'm not sure I can handle this. I have such social fears, I used to have an issue even praying out loud thinking Holy Angels could hear me... God fixed that, but that's a story for another day. That's how severe my struggles are about doing anything at all in front of other people.
I've seen God do a lot just by mentioning His name to unbelievers. It has been amazing. But to actually be the one performing the miracles. STRUGGLE!!!
Okay, so God has been helping me overcome my nervousness and fears a lot lately. Here's the thing, He showed me so much of His power and His greatness last year, it really made me flee. I couldn't understand it.
I came from having absolutely nothing. No love, no friends, no job, no will to live, no purpose, no anything. I was seeking supernatural experiences my whole life, and I had a lot of them. But of course, that caused me to completely lose my mind, my conscience, any sense of morality. Because I was controlled by evil.
Then Jesus came into my life, and He changed everything. I felt loved for the first time in my life, and that was overwhelming enough. Then He gave me a deep faith almost immediately, and I saw great miracles. He changed me and taught me from His Word. I love Him so much, and I am so grateful for everything.
Then I got an intense fear of not having done anything for Him before I die, and I prayed in tears "Just let me do one single thing, just anything at all!"
Then last year happened. And all I could see was disaster and chaos, pain and trials. And God. He was so deeply involved in everything. He gave me work during my struggles, to keep me going. People to help. Words to give them, to encourage them, to correct them, to bring them closer to Christ. He gave me visions and dreams, and He prophecied through me to them. I was taught how to cast out evil spirits, and for real, so they won't come back, by breaking strongholds and healing soul wounds, defeating lies with truth. And I got to watch two people coming out of darkness and beginning to really know Jesus Christ, the real one. I got to witness and preach to unbelievers, and that was wonderful.
And God says not to worry about all the sin and mistakes from last year, that will all be burnt like Satan. All that will be left in me is God, His Word, His Righteousness, His Love and His Holy Spirit.
So I started to get a little comfortable, then suddenly He started teaching me about the Holy Spirit, and who He is. That He is the Spirit that was hovering over the waters during creation, that He is what did all the miracles in the Old Testament, that He is who raised Jesus from the dead. It freaked me out completely, and after having been controlled by evil my whole life, I got really scared. I didn't want that in me! It's too much!
But God isn't like that. He broke through to me, by showing me yet again how much He loves me and wants to heal me, give me self-control and not to control me. And He pulled away from me long enough to get me to see that there is absolutely no goodness without Him, and that everything in me that I love and have cherished since I was saved, come from Him. I stopped being afraid of Him. I really love Him so much, and I hate when I offend Him. I'm just very damaged from my past.
Yesterday, He really got through to me. I felt completely comfortable again.
I've accepted that maybe He isn't going to let me just "do one single thing for Him". That was coming from a place of condemnation, when I was still in darkness.
He is going to use me for a lot, because that's why He created me, and that's why He has taught me so much. And the Holy Spirit will give me the power to do so.
So last night I was hanging out with my ex boyfriend from many years ago. We dated for about five years, before I got saved, and our relationship really hurt him, because of my issues and my demons. It was horrible. He was left a mess. But we stayed friends, and I have decided to do everything I can to help God open his eyes, and God is doing very much. I get to tell him about Jesus and the Gospel, and God has been showing Himself in quite obvious ways. But he used to be a stone cold atheist, almost as arrogant as Richard Dawkins.
(We're just friends, do don't worry, we aren't even attracted to each other any longer. I won't live in sin, and I see the dangers.)
So he was asking me whether he should get surgery for his eyes, so he wouldn't have to have glasses. And I said "why not just ask God to heal them?" And I got mocked, because I wear glasses myself, and why has God not healed my eyes? Well, I haven't asked Him for it. Then I prayed, and I felt the Spirit reminding me of how Jesus restored the sight to the blind. And in literal ways. And God telling me this is the kind of thing that I'm going to do for Him in the future. My faith could handle this, I've been physically healed in the past. But to do this for others... Freaking out!
I once prayed for a dead plant in his home, and God gave it new life. That was amazing, but this???
I'm not sure I can handle this. I have such social fears, I used to have an issue even praying out loud thinking Holy Angels could hear me... God fixed that, but that's a story for another day. That's how severe my struggles are about doing anything at all in front of other people.
I've seen God do a lot just by mentioning His name to unbelievers. It has been amazing. But to actually be the one performing the miracles. STRUGGLE!!!
