So I'm about 6 years into my walk with Christ. This whole time God has been ministering to my heart and increasing my knowledge and understanding. I grew very quickly my first 2 years, but there's just always been something there holding me back from full surrender to God. Maybe I was too young then, I was 23/24. I don't know. I'm getting to a point now where I want to be mature but I'm not. I want to be passionate about the Gospel like Paul was... truly the riches and wisdom in Christ is like nothing this world has.
Someone told me to "prophesy" to myself constantly throughout the day and I've been talking to myself as if God were speaking, saying "you're doing fine, just keep fasting and pressing on. It's ok if you're not fully surrendered yet, its a process. You're doing great. Just relax, everything is OK."
I get so stressed out because I WANT to fully surrender to Godbut it's like there's something in me that is preventing me from surrendering to and actually trusting God fully, and I can't figure out exactly what it is. I feel like God is comforting me, telling me not to worry and that it's just a process. I have a lot of trauma from my past that I'm trying to work through and lots of "frozen" emotions that still need to be unthawed, like mourning over my abusive father, something I don't think I've ever actually done.
And I repeat that stuff all day to myself. I'm not sure if it's actually God speaking through me or not but it seems to help. I'm working on being more positive, joyful, and a speaker of life because I've had this strange addiction to drama and being negative ever since I was a kid. I need to be thinking and saying these positive things.
Anyway, I just felt like ranting. Sorry if it's really random. God bless.
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