I'm on vacation in Spain! 
I've had a long, but wonderful day. I went with my sister. She and I both need to rest up for a while, and get away from Sweden.
I have been struggling so much lately with confusion and condemnation, fear and just about everything, as per usual. I have been feeling very close to God, like I am really moving forward with Him, but everything is a struggle with me always. So even though God is taking care of me, my heart isn't always listening.
But I was blessed on the plane ride, spent lots of time in prayer, and working things out, and everything went smoothly. Then when we arrived, it was about to start raining. Last week, when we checked the weather, it was supposed to rain all week long, but I have been praying about it.
Then we took the bus transfer to get to the hotel, and it really started raining. A storm. The bus took two and a half hour to get to the hotel, but I didn't mind. I was really happy, because I love heavy rain. But I also got really scared that our vacation would be ruined. And I prayed: "God! Please, let my sister see Your Glory! Please, stop the rain!" The rain didn't stop. Instead Jesus told me to just trust in Him and I had a wonderful moment where I just felt this intense closeness to Him. But then I kept worrying.
Then we got off the bus. And it was pouring! I started praying, and I tried to rebuke the weather, but the rain didn't stop, but it did ease up a little. But I got soaked. It was a walk of maybe 10 minutes to the hotel, and on my way I managed to have a breakdown. "God! Have I lost my salvation? Do you hate me? Why are you punishing me? Why are you ruining my vacation?"
Yeah.
That's my heart talking. It really needs to let God in a lot more. I ended up realizing that I needed the rain to stop, because I need to see Him acting in my life to feel safe, because I don't after the year I had. At all. I'm still so bruised and broken.
And I'm obviously spoiled. I have gotten used to God moving in huge ways, I have relied on it. But I can't always have my way...
And I prayed in desperation: "Please, for my sister! I don't want her vacation ruined. It's so she can heal." (She is struggling so much, because a friend of the family died last year) "And I really want her to feel blessed, so she can be saved!"
And I was having this nagging feeling coming from the Holy Spirit, something like: "how could she see My Glory unless you speak? She needs to know I'm doing it!" But I didn't listen. What if it didn't work? Then she would never be saved, and I would look like a liar, and like God doesn't exist.
We came to the hotel, and got settled in. Then we decided to go to the supermarket. And the rain hadn't stopped. Suddenly my sister said "maybe it's time to pray?" (She has seen the Lord stop the rain before after I pray) I said I would and went to the balcony, and prayed. I got nothing, but that same nagging feeling and rain that blew in my face... Then my sister came out, and I told her maybe God didn't want to. But then I said: "Maybe if I command the wind?" and she said to try it. I said loudly: "Winds! Stop in Jesus' name! Rain! Stop in Jesus' name!"
And it stopped. Praise God! He just wanted me to be bold, and stop being silent and shy and fearful. He really knows how to push me out of my comfort zone. And it was amazing! Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him!!!
On our way to the supermarket my sister started pointing to the sky where the clouds were breaking up, and the sky was blue. She seemed really happy. And we had a wonderful time, and we got to talk about God and the way He blesses and protects. She said that we had been lucky all day long, and I said why? And she reminded me of when during the bus ride a little tree had blown in front of the bus and we had been lucky enough not to get hit by it. I had barely noticed, because I was too busy worrying. But then I got to explain to her how God blesses us and protects us, and we had a wonderful conversation. And she randomly said that she had felt that the rain on the way to the hotel maybe was a trial from God to see how much we could take. Maybe. For me it was a lesson on trust, and obviously God is working in her life. He is awesome! The way He completely uses a situation like this to both teach and bless, and get me to a point where I start giving Him my deeper issues. I love to see His power and Glory like this!
I can't wait to see what He has got in store for the rest of the trip.
And I have to work on trusting God a whole lot more. Faith He has given me, but my heart needs to surrender to Him. I need to learn how to stay in His arms and stop being afraid, because God has a much bigger plan than the instant blessings I pray for. And I need a much bigger dose of His love in my life, but I have found out that my heart won't let Him in, because I'm scared of it, don't know why yet. Probably because of all the condemnation I have had thrown at me, and all the doubts and fears that has come of it. It's something that has given me deep trust issues, but God is definitely helping me overcome them.
Right now, I am feeling really loved.
I've had a long, but wonderful day. I went with my sister. She and I both need to rest up for a while, and get away from Sweden.
I have been struggling so much lately with confusion and condemnation, fear and just about everything, as per usual. I have been feeling very close to God, like I am really moving forward with Him, but everything is a struggle with me always. So even though God is taking care of me, my heart isn't always listening.
But I was blessed on the plane ride, spent lots of time in prayer, and working things out, and everything went smoothly. Then when we arrived, it was about to start raining. Last week, when we checked the weather, it was supposed to rain all week long, but I have been praying about it.
Then we took the bus transfer to get to the hotel, and it really started raining. A storm. The bus took two and a half hour to get to the hotel, but I didn't mind. I was really happy, because I love heavy rain. But I also got really scared that our vacation would be ruined. And I prayed: "God! Please, let my sister see Your Glory! Please, stop the rain!" The rain didn't stop. Instead Jesus told me to just trust in Him and I had a wonderful moment where I just felt this intense closeness to Him. But then I kept worrying.
Then we got off the bus. And it was pouring! I started praying, and I tried to rebuke the weather, but the rain didn't stop, but it did ease up a little. But I got soaked. It was a walk of maybe 10 minutes to the hotel, and on my way I managed to have a breakdown. "God! Have I lost my salvation? Do you hate me? Why are you punishing me? Why are you ruining my vacation?"
Yeah.
That's my heart talking. It really needs to let God in a lot more. I ended up realizing that I needed the rain to stop, because I need to see Him acting in my life to feel safe, because I don't after the year I had. At all. I'm still so bruised and broken.
And I'm obviously spoiled.
I have gotten used to God moving in huge ways, I have relied on it. But I can't always have my way...And I prayed in desperation: "Please, for my sister! I don't want her vacation ruined. It's so she can heal." (She is struggling so much, because a friend of the family died last year) "And I really want her to feel blessed, so she can be saved!"
And I was having this nagging feeling coming from the Holy Spirit, something like: "how could she see My Glory unless you speak? She needs to know I'm doing it!" But I didn't listen. What if it didn't work? Then she would never be saved, and I would look like a liar, and like God doesn't exist.
We came to the hotel, and got settled in. Then we decided to go to the supermarket. And the rain hadn't stopped. Suddenly my sister said "maybe it's time to pray?" (She has seen the Lord stop the rain before after I pray) I said I would and went to the balcony, and prayed. I got nothing, but that same nagging feeling and rain that blew in my face... Then my sister came out, and I told her maybe God didn't want to. But then I said: "Maybe if I command the wind?" and she said to try it. I said loudly: "Winds! Stop in Jesus' name! Rain! Stop in Jesus' name!"
And it stopped.
Praise God! He just wanted me to be bold, and stop being silent and shy and fearful. He really knows how to push me out of my comfort zone. And it was amazing! Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him!!! On our way to the supermarket my sister started pointing to the sky where the clouds were breaking up, and the sky was blue. She seemed really happy. And we had a wonderful time, and we got to talk about God and the way He blesses and protects. She said that we had been lucky all day long, and I said why? And she reminded me of when during the bus ride a little tree had blown in front of the bus and we had been lucky enough not to get hit by it. I had barely noticed, because I was too busy worrying.
But then I got to explain to her how God blesses us and protects us, and we had a wonderful conversation. And she randomly said that she had felt that the rain on the way to the hotel maybe was a trial from God to see how much we could take. Maybe. For me it was a lesson on trust, and obviously God is working in her life. He is awesome! The way He completely uses a situation like this to both teach and bless, and get me to a point where I start giving Him my deeper issues. I love to see His power and Glory like this! I can't wait to see what He has got in store for the rest of the trip.
And I have to work on trusting God a whole lot more. Faith He has given me, but my heart needs to surrender to Him. I need to learn how to stay in His arms and stop being afraid, because God has a much bigger plan than the instant blessings I pray for.
And I need a much bigger dose of His love in my life, but I have found out that my heart won't let Him in, because I'm scared of it, don't know why yet. Probably because of all the condemnation I have had thrown at me, and all the doubts and fears that has come of it. It's something that has given me deep trust issues, but God is definitely helping me overcome them. Right now, I am feeling really loved.
