I have been troubled by a few things the last few days. I have tried to not have high expectations as a christian. I figure there is a learning curve for one thing. For another, at the heart it's a relationship between me and God, and relationships take time to grow.
I have been obsessed with Christianity for several years, and it had been a growing obsession. One of the things that delayed any decision on my part was the question whether faith was a decision or a state of being.
I finally went with decision. So I made a decision, and I have not regretted it. I still don't. I believe. A little bit. That's enough. This whole thing is not a questioning of my salvation.
This is a concern over my spiritual growth or lack thereof. I have been a christian almost a month now, and I would expect more improvement than I am seeing.
Trouble one: Lack of desire for sharing the gospel.
My understanding is that this should be the desire and goal of every christian. I have very little desire for this. I see this as a problem.
I am by nature a very practical, very mild-mannered person. I don't get excited very easily, I don't get angry very easily...the range of my emotions is definitely not an extreme one. I am very jealous of my personal space. I am overly polite to most - even friends and family - treating them exactly as I would wish to be treated. This means I don't go visiting very often - and NEVER without prior notice. It means when I go I won't make myself at home - even if its my own mother's home I ask if I can use her restroom. I will ask one time if help is needed in the kitchen. If it is declined, I do not ask again. I HATE people in my kitchen.
So when I read about some christians going door to door I may admire and respect them, but mentally I recoil in horror at the idea of imitating them. I would feel awful showing up at someone's door unannounced. I would be much more open to internet evangelism, I feel more comfortable there.
I have seen a bit of hope though! Awhile back I had a conversation with a drunk former seminary student (see drunken priests blog post for more info) and at one point I felt really bad for him, and wished I had the ability and confidence to help him find his way back to God. So I hope that this problem will resolve itself with time and improvement with my other troubling issues.
Trouble two: Prayer
I like praying. Don't get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy it. Even if I don't "enjoy" a particular prayer session I find it...I dunno how to word this...useful I guess? It makes an impact.
But I read about some people sensing the presence of God. "Feeling the spirit". That sort of thing. I haven't really that I can tell. I suspect the closest I got was one time I had a good snot-dribbling cry. But other than that....I haven't really FELT anything.
I suspect this is my fault. I came into this with all sorts of ideas of praying at least an hour a day. What a joke I have made of that. Some days no praying at all gets done - and I hate to admit it is more days that don't get praying than days that do.
So I have deliberated on this for awhile, and I think I know my issue. Well, issues.
First off - my phone and kindle. They go to bed with me and wake up with me. First thing I do when I wake up is grab one of them. Check twitter, email, games, this forum, facebook, anything really. I can spend hours playing after I go to bed, and before I get up. So from now on - phone and kindle do not sit at my bedside anymore. That's gonna hurt.
Secondly - as far as night time prayer, I have a tendency to stay up till I am absolutely exhausted playing games on the computer, visiting with my roomate, playing on here, whatever. So by the time I work my way to the bedroom I just wanna fall into bed, play games on my kindle that don't require thought, and then sleep. I am going to start going to my bedroom as soon as I get home, have my prayer time and bible time, and THEN do what I want to do.
Trouble 3: I haven't told anyone.
I am a very introspective person. I don't share myself with other people except here online. I do it here because it's easier. People can read or not as they please. And it is easier to formulate my opinions and what I want to say in writing. The people closest to me know if something is REALLY bothering me I need to write it out in a letter and give it to them to read, because if I try to talk about something very important to me I lose track of words. In short, I have social anxiety.
But even so, I was surprised to realize I hadn't told ANYONE I am not a christian. So I have decided to tell one person a week. Until I run out of people, which won't take long lol. I don't have many friends at all - I tend to stay close to the house except for work. Perhaps that sounds sad, but it's not to me. I am perfectly content here with my books and internet.
Trouble 4: Church
I won't lie - I don't want to go. Social anxiety and all that. I dread going, to be perfectly honest. I expect a lot of fake smiles and hand shaking and questions. Dreaded, dreaded questions.
I also dread choosing one. Sometimes I want a smaller church so it will force me to bond more with the members. Sometimes I want a larger church because there will be more opportunities to get involved with things. Plus, they may have a library which is a VERY tempting proposition to me! Sometimes I want to spend a few more weeks choosing a denomination. Then someone recommended nondenominational and I think that may be the way to go. I go back and forth...back and forth.
I wish I could say I will go to a church this Sunday after work (I work the overnight shift this weekend, get off at 6am), but I dunno if I will. This is the most difficult for me to fix, because I dread it so. But I instinctively feel it is essential I go.
Trouble 5: Tithing
I should tithe. 10%, if I remember correctly. But I am poor. I work in a call center, support my bestie who doesn't work, two animals, and try to shovel my mom some money once in awhile when I can swing it. I have bills - a lot of them. Does tithing mean it goes to the church, or goes to support the poor? If so, does my mom count? Do I have to do 10% of everything, or do I do 10% of my spending money after bills, or should I just do as much as I can? I need to read a book on this, but where do I find the time? So many other important things I need to read about first.
Trouble 6: Sin
When I first got saved, I was able to put away a good many of my major former sins. By major sins I mean specific actions that are completely and totally contrary to God. There were a few others I had more trouble - most of them nasty habits I had gotten into that I needed to break - and since then I have made progress. Not 100% there, but I am happy with my progress.
One "biggie" remains. One I have a LOT of trouble leaving behind me. Is it normal to KNOW it is wrong, to KNOW you shouldn't do it...but still do it? I make no excuses - I know it's wrong, and afterwards I always feel awful that I did it again. I do it less...I will say that. And I enjoy it less. But I still do it. I still enjoy it. I hate it now too. It's this awful mess - I am sitting here crying writing about it - much to my embarrassment. Even though no one sees me. I hope it gets better with improvements in prayer...but what if it doesn't? What if God finally gets sick of me failing and walks away?
I have been obsessed with Christianity for several years, and it had been a growing obsession. One of the things that delayed any decision on my part was the question whether faith was a decision or a state of being.
I finally went with decision. So I made a decision, and I have not regretted it. I still don't. I believe. A little bit. That's enough. This whole thing is not a questioning of my salvation.
This is a concern over my spiritual growth or lack thereof. I have been a christian almost a month now, and I would expect more improvement than I am seeing.
Trouble one: Lack of desire for sharing the gospel.
My understanding is that this should be the desire and goal of every christian. I have very little desire for this. I see this as a problem.
I am by nature a very practical, very mild-mannered person. I don't get excited very easily, I don't get angry very easily...the range of my emotions is definitely not an extreme one. I am very jealous of my personal space. I am overly polite to most - even friends and family - treating them exactly as I would wish to be treated. This means I don't go visiting very often - and NEVER without prior notice. It means when I go I won't make myself at home - even if its my own mother's home I ask if I can use her restroom. I will ask one time if help is needed in the kitchen. If it is declined, I do not ask again. I HATE people in my kitchen.
So when I read about some christians going door to door I may admire and respect them, but mentally I recoil in horror at the idea of imitating them. I would feel awful showing up at someone's door unannounced. I would be much more open to internet evangelism, I feel more comfortable there.
I have seen a bit of hope though! Awhile back I had a conversation with a drunk former seminary student (see drunken priests blog post for more info) and at one point I felt really bad for him, and wished I had the ability and confidence to help him find his way back to God. So I hope that this problem will resolve itself with time and improvement with my other troubling issues.
Trouble two: Prayer
I like praying. Don't get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy it. Even if I don't "enjoy" a particular prayer session I find it...I dunno how to word this...useful I guess? It makes an impact.
But I read about some people sensing the presence of God. "Feeling the spirit". That sort of thing. I haven't really that I can tell. I suspect the closest I got was one time I had a good snot-dribbling cry. But other than that....I haven't really FELT anything.
I suspect this is my fault. I came into this with all sorts of ideas of praying at least an hour a day. What a joke I have made of that. Some days no praying at all gets done - and I hate to admit it is more days that don't get praying than days that do.
So I have deliberated on this for awhile, and I think I know my issue. Well, issues.
First off - my phone and kindle. They go to bed with me and wake up with me. First thing I do when I wake up is grab one of them. Check twitter, email, games, this forum, facebook, anything really. I can spend hours playing after I go to bed, and before I get up. So from now on - phone and kindle do not sit at my bedside anymore. That's gonna hurt.
Secondly - as far as night time prayer, I have a tendency to stay up till I am absolutely exhausted playing games on the computer, visiting with my roomate, playing on here, whatever. So by the time I work my way to the bedroom I just wanna fall into bed, play games on my kindle that don't require thought, and then sleep. I am going to start going to my bedroom as soon as I get home, have my prayer time and bible time, and THEN do what I want to do.
Trouble 3: I haven't told anyone.
I am a very introspective person. I don't share myself with other people except here online. I do it here because it's easier. People can read or not as they please. And it is easier to formulate my opinions and what I want to say in writing. The people closest to me know if something is REALLY bothering me I need to write it out in a letter and give it to them to read, because if I try to talk about something very important to me I lose track of words. In short, I have social anxiety.
But even so, I was surprised to realize I hadn't told ANYONE I am not a christian. So I have decided to tell one person a week. Until I run out of people, which won't take long lol. I don't have many friends at all - I tend to stay close to the house except for work. Perhaps that sounds sad, but it's not to me. I am perfectly content here with my books and internet.
Trouble 4: Church
I won't lie - I don't want to go. Social anxiety and all that. I dread going, to be perfectly honest. I expect a lot of fake smiles and hand shaking and questions. Dreaded, dreaded questions.
I also dread choosing one. Sometimes I want a smaller church so it will force me to bond more with the members. Sometimes I want a larger church because there will be more opportunities to get involved with things. Plus, they may have a library which is a VERY tempting proposition to me! Sometimes I want to spend a few more weeks choosing a denomination. Then someone recommended nondenominational and I think that may be the way to go. I go back and forth...back and forth.
I wish I could say I will go to a church this Sunday after work (I work the overnight shift this weekend, get off at 6am), but I dunno if I will. This is the most difficult for me to fix, because I dread it so. But I instinctively feel it is essential I go.
Trouble 5: Tithing
I should tithe. 10%, if I remember correctly. But I am poor. I work in a call center, support my bestie who doesn't work, two animals, and try to shovel my mom some money once in awhile when I can swing it. I have bills - a lot of them. Does tithing mean it goes to the church, or goes to support the poor? If so, does my mom count? Do I have to do 10% of everything, or do I do 10% of my spending money after bills, or should I just do as much as I can? I need to read a book on this, but where do I find the time? So many other important things I need to read about first.
Trouble 6: Sin
When I first got saved, I was able to put away a good many of my major former sins. By major sins I mean specific actions that are completely and totally contrary to God. There were a few others I had more trouble - most of them nasty habits I had gotten into that I needed to break - and since then I have made progress. Not 100% there, but I am happy with my progress.
One "biggie" remains. One I have a LOT of trouble leaving behind me. Is it normal to KNOW it is wrong, to KNOW you shouldn't do it...but still do it? I make no excuses - I know it's wrong, and afterwards I always feel awful that I did it again. I do it less...I will say that. And I enjoy it less. But I still do it. I still enjoy it. I hate it now too. It's this awful mess - I am sitting here crying writing about it - much to my embarrassment. Even though no one sees me. I hope it gets better with improvements in prayer...but what if it doesn't? What if God finally gets sick of me failing and walks away?
