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Tired Of Running

  1. Well, good morning CF. Or good-whatever time of day your in. :) Here in my neck of the woods it is 6:19am, and my adorable baby girl is snoring as she lays on my chest.
    I wanted to talk about....the fruits, I guess you could say, of being a Christian. Or at least what it means to me.
    To me, being Christian means having a heart for God. It means living by His precepts (not just knowing or memorizing them, but applying them). Loving His people (see my blog, two sides to every coin *wink wink*). Attending church. Studying His word. And having an intimate relationship with Him.
    In my opinion, all these things are part of loving God, what it means to be Christian. And in my opinion, spiritual maturity requires all of these.
    You can know the Bible like the back of your hand but, if you don't apply what it says, then what does it mean? You can attend church every Sunday but right after service speak ill with your tongue about everyone you were just smiling at. We are nothing without love. Bankrupt. In this scenario, we are also hypocrites. To love God is to love others. (Really, read the blog I mentioned earlier).
    Understand, I am not speaking in judgment. I am speaking in truth. And i am far from perfect, the purpose of this post is by no means to insinuate that I am.
    Quite the opposite.
    See, I myself am lacking some of the key elements, as I describe, to being Christian. I love God. I love people. My heart is full of compassion. I attend church, and I care very deeply about Honoring God's word and living a life that is pleasing to Him.
    But I don't pray like I used to or like I should. I am not in His word, reliant on it, breathing it, like I should. Yes, with two kids and being a student, Im busy. But what is the point if I don't make time for God?
    I can listen to (and sing along with, albeit poorly) Christian music all I want. I can be a loving, encouraging, forgiving person (and I will always do my best to be this way), but without that deep, personal relationship with God, what does it mean?
    If Im not in His word, if Im not praying to Him (I do pray, just not much and usually for others, avoiding praying for myself), praising Him...taking Time Out for Him-what does the rest even mean?
    I've been running from God. No not running in the sense that I have stopped believing. Running as in I have been running away from intimacy with Him. Why? Because it frightens me. It shouldn't, but if I am honest that is the answer. No one knows me like God. Not even myself. In my life...in my relationships, I have yet to experience true intimacy. (In not even sure it exists, well, at least not on the same level as it can with God). There is no closeness in my family. (Except between myself and my children of course). Intimacy is just not something I am used to. And go with God I should run towards it I have been running away.
    I'm not in His word like I should be. Sounds really silly but I am a little afraid that the more I study the less I will understand. I worry that I if I get confused, I will question, and possibly reject God's word. This is my biggest fear to fall from God. Yes I know the circle of logic does not make sense. Hi void intimacy with Him, while being afraid if losing that relationship or faith all together. I guess you could say I am so afraid to fail that I am afraid to try. I Know Myself and I know that it takes learning things the hard way for me. I just hope that this time that is not the case.
    RoseforChrist and MintyCupcake like this.

Comments

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  1. Greg Merrill
    My objective in my last reply is just to say don't be afraid to get into the Bible. Don't avoid the questions that may come up, learn the answers to them. Don't avoid God's main source of communication with us (the Bible), take it for what it is. Don't try to make it or God what you want, deal with them in how they truly are. We are to conform to God, Romans 8:29, not the other way around.
      Beautyinsteadofashes likes this.
  2. Greg Merrill
    There was a man in the USAF that was similar to you, afraid to read the Bible because of how it made him feel; yet he would rent the base theater to show a Christian movie. Outwardly he appeared to be a strong Christian, yet inwardly he created an image of what He wanted God to be like (idolatry). In 1975 I was naive, and thought when we were witnessing together he was a very tender, loving man. We later were lying on the floor discussing the Bible when, like John, he laid his head on my shoulder. "Strange" I thought, but maybe just endearing. Later I confessed he was gay.