Doing things as I'm supposed to as commanded by God doesn't make me feel like God is happy with me or like I'm being sanctified. It just makes me feel like fool every time I fail and makes me feel like I have my nose to the grindstone.
But when I stop focusing on that stuff and focus on doing things that bring me some amount of pleasure or joy I start to feel better and better and more able to carry on each day as opposed to wishing for death each day.
I don't think that's how this is supposed to work. It's supposed to be the opposite.
Either I'm just immensely messed up in the head or this is God's way of telling me that I'm probably not saved and never will be because I can't seem to stay faithful like other Christians, can't get properly on the path to sanctification, and can't seem to stop wondering and doubting.
And no amount of "just bask in the love of Jesus" does anything good for me. I can't just be like, "God loves me despite my horrible life and existence" and feel joyfully happy, thankful, and blessed like other Christians.
So where does that leave me? Knowing that I'm possibly going to hell at the end of everything makes me feel defeated.
But when I stop focusing on that stuff and focus on doing things that bring me some amount of pleasure or joy I start to feel better and better and more able to carry on each day as opposed to wishing for death each day.
I don't think that's how this is supposed to work. It's supposed to be the opposite.
Either I'm just immensely messed up in the head or this is God's way of telling me that I'm probably not saved and never will be because I can't seem to stay faithful like other Christians, can't get properly on the path to sanctification, and can't seem to stop wondering and doubting.
And no amount of "just bask in the love of Jesus" does anything good for me. I can't just be like, "God loves me despite my horrible life and existence" and feel joyfully happy, thankful, and blessed like other Christians.
So where does that leave me? Knowing that I'm possibly going to hell at the end of everything makes me feel defeated.
