The Universe In A Box

I wrote this about 12 or so years ago.

Constantly wondering if what you are doing is right, yet you have nobody to express this to. Your thoughts and ideas come and go as they tug at your being. An attempt to influence your actions. Some feel good, others not so good. Yet you fight. Because you don't know if what you are doing is sin.

Constantly asking God for forgiveness, yet hearing nothing but the echoes of your own thoughts as they intercept the questions that were directed to Him and formulate their own answers back to you. And only you can understand them because words offer no meaning to anything that would listen. And you become meaningless.

Always creating conclusions to satisfy your confusion as your questions grow deeper and more complex. The universe seems to feed off your curiosity and with every new insight, the darkness, the coldness, they intensify. The universe expands because you want to know and it does not want you to know so it runs from you. And you ask God to slow it down.

Always accelerating and you want to slow down, but there's nothing to stop you. No friction. No resistance. No acknowledgement. No interaction. Empty space expanding forever and your questions, they feed it and make it grow. You have no anchor. You have no brakes. It doesn't slow down. There's no sign of safety.

When you turn to mathematics and you turn to physics and you turn to learning and you learn nothing. Because data flows through you and expands your world and creates more questions and makes everything move faster. And you want to rest. And you want to have peace. And the demons they taunt you. Because there is no peace.

When you turn to God and you hear your own echoes. And you turn to the demons and you feel your own torment. And the words that you feel, their source is your mind. But the pain that you feel, it watches and waits. So give in to desire and ask it the questions. The answers, they come and flood your mind. They acknowledge your existence. The interact with your thoughts. They resist your fight, and put friction to your questions.

So now there is substance, something that's real. And meaning returns to sooth your suffering. Abstract ideas take form in this new world. Understanding gains velocity and attempts to reach the ever increasing rate of universal expansion. But it is just too slow, and you speed up. And you cry out for help, but they just throw you more questions. So you feed them to the beast, and it swallows them whole. And answers, they belch. But the darkness expands.

So now you're alone, and you turn to the God. But you sin and you suffer as anxiety seals your doom. And you feed Him the questions, wishing to hear even the static of evidence. The echo of existence. A reflection of assurance, that everything will be okay. And learning takes hold, fueled by demons. And silence, it beckons. Just give in. The answers are there, the source is your mind. Internal... Only... As external expands.

When will it end. Will you see rest? Information overload, the weapon used against you. The pain that you feel is the pain of not knowing. Because the more that you learn, the more you don't know. And you want to go back, to take the blue pill. And you want to believe, not know what you know. But the demons they laugh, and say it's too late. And the questions you asked, they have sealed your fate.

When can I leave and rise up from this place? My wings have been clipped. My eyes have been shut. I've created my world and answered the questions. I've raised this demon and nourished it well. And when I have come to understand the workings of the universe, I realized that this universe is contained in a box that's contained in my mind under my desires guarded by torture. This is my hell, from which no one acknowledge. And the demons they smile because I can never get out.

erealmz jadedheart ~ 2005
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