I’ve been kind of all over the place recently. I have felt off and on sick the past few days, and some peace but also stress. Sunday I went up to an altar call and was so nervous I looked down and felt like crying and also nauseous (if I remember right) and tired later. I waited a while too, just feeling like my face was feverish with nerves and fear and shame. It felt like I waited too long, like pharaoh’s baker who waited until the cupbearer got a favorable interpretation before speaking his dream.
I also got invited to a bible study, and since the two clubs I knew had been registered merged together recently, I wondered who was left. It was an LDS club, my heart wanted to leave as soon as I heard the club, and I sat in the car wanting to go home but thinking how things in my day could have fallen together for this opportunity and I got uncomfortable and chose to walk out and not go back. It is hanging over me, the guilt and stress of what I have done and thinking of Judgement day (also the unpardonable sin bothered me again recently).
My grades are going down, I’m sleeping less and yet laying around a lot and late almost everywhere. I eat inconsistently, the verse, “The one who doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith.” (And, “Whatever is not from faith is sin.”) makes me sometimes have struggles about being hungry and my eyesight getting poorer and my mental focus/judgement getting derailed. Sometimes I worry about something I read about serving your stomachs, I don’t want to live to eat but I physically have to eat to live as well. I worry about prayers being compulsive or part of an obsession rather than genuine just because my earthly nature just wants to eat. Also a verse about looking not at what is seen and temporary but unseen and eternal kind of makes me feel unbelieving, wondering how/what unseen things to look at. And the wanting to put on lavender or find calming things but these obsessive thoughts nagging me about those being something like faithless solutions. I need prayers and guidance.
I also got invited to a bible study, and since the two clubs I knew had been registered merged together recently, I wondered who was left. It was an LDS club, my heart wanted to leave as soon as I heard the club, and I sat in the car wanting to go home but thinking how things in my day could have fallen together for this opportunity and I got uncomfortable and chose to walk out and not go back. It is hanging over me, the guilt and stress of what I have done and thinking of Judgement day (also the unpardonable sin bothered me again recently).
My grades are going down, I’m sleeping less and yet laying around a lot and late almost everywhere. I eat inconsistently, the verse, “The one who doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith.” (And, “Whatever is not from faith is sin.”) makes me sometimes have struggles about being hungry and my eyesight getting poorer and my mental focus/judgement getting derailed. Sometimes I worry about something I read about serving your stomachs, I don’t want to live to eat but I physically have to eat to live as well. I worry about prayers being compulsive or part of an obsession rather than genuine just because my earthly nature just wants to eat. Also a verse about looking not at what is seen and temporary but unseen and eternal kind of makes me feel unbelieving, wondering how/what unseen things to look at. And the wanting to put on lavender or find calming things but these obsessive thoughts nagging me about those being something like faithless solutions. I need prayers and guidance.
