Stress and aging
When I was young, even up to my middle sixties, stress seemed to focus me, and allow me to do what I needed to do without fuss, though it did cost me a lot of energy to swim in stressful situations. Many of the situations were interior, but there were also demanding times from the external world as well. We all see this aspect of reality within ourselves I am sure, and many experiences this deeper than others.
It probably has to do with my aging body, as well as with my brain/mind connection. I think that is why I am so much more in touch with anxiety. When younger I had no idea that I could even get really anxious, since I always seemed to move towards what was not pleasant, and needed assertiveness. Now stress can scatter me, and bring on a deep disquiet that I can feel in my chest area. It has the feeling of a rolled-up ball of barbwire. I forces me to slow down, and it has helped me in my prayer life. I have learned that much of my inner anger flows from this apprehension. It is a fear that things will fall apart. Rooted in my past experiences when very young. I am thankful for this, for perhaps we all need a goad in our lives to push us forward. Sloth is something that can numb me, but when in the midst of that I feel more dead than alive.
While anxiety is for me the most unpleasant of inner experiences, I am still thankful that I am more in touch with it. Yet, I know that all that I know about myself is just the tip of a very large iceberg. So as I age I am more at peace with not knowing or understanding, but just try to get through the day without causing damage to others. I do not always succeed, but grace lifts me up and I continue.
I can see grace at work as I age. It leads me deeper into truth, some of these truths are not pleasant at all. Our inner worlds can be beautiful, but also harsh, and even at times have a nightmarish quality to them. There is a reason I believe that people love the horror genre in movies, as well as novels. It gives us a safe place to observe what we have within us.
When on a path that seeks God, He will bring truth to us. It can be a painful time, but also one that is very fruitful. We seem to grow when we struggle, and yes suffer. I wish it was different, but we have to work within the system given to us.
For me ‘Trust’ is the key. When I feel shaky within, as I get older, I find that it is being in the presence of God that brings peace, and even integration. Again, I do not know how it works, but Trust again is the switch that allows this to happen. Trust in God, can be one of the freest actions we can make. It comes from deep within, far below the agitation, and pain that is often our lot.
Drugs and addictions of all sorts only slow this process down, but eventually, it must all be faced. Prayer and a loving relationship with God can allow us to do that. Psalm 91, as well as Psalms 23, and 139 can be helpful in times of inner turmoil. A slow prayer reading of these prayers can focus us and deepen our rootedness in Christ Jesus.
Our humanity is not to be feared. Allowing ourselves to sink would be a very serious and at times fatal mistake. Our lives are serious business. Our culture wants us to ignore that, and just have a good time and be entertained. Being jaded can be its own hell. Facing our inner struggles, chaos, and pain, leads to inner joy and peace, though I trek through the desert can be a long one. No matter what we choose, the trek may be very long indeed.-Br.MD
